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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 21:23

DZbornak · 31/10/2023 21:16

Convinced this is the guy who made a name out of singing the theme song in The Snowman, even though he didn't actually sing the song that was in the film.

He's married with kids so I hope not.......

tpxqi · 31/10/2023 21:24

So OP is a coke head accuse of rape. And somehow she is getting all the sympathy. You would hope that characters like this are not in school teaching your kids.

jlpth · 31/10/2023 21:26

tpxqi · 31/10/2023 21:24

So OP is a coke head accuse of rape. And somehow she is getting all the sympathy. You would hope that characters like this are not in school teaching your kids.

She states she didn't sexually assault this man.
She clearly didn't rape him as she has no penis.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 21:27

tpxqi · 31/10/2023 21:24

So OP is a coke head accuse of rape. And somehow she is getting all the sympathy. You would hope that characters like this are not in school teaching your kids.

Ha! What a grotesque twisting of the truth. Did you learn to read? Perhaps take a look at your comprehension skills, op works for CS not teaching 😎

jlpth · 31/10/2023 21:27

tpxqi · 31/10/2023 21:24

So OP is a coke head accuse of rape. And somehow she is getting all the sympathy. You would hope that characters like this are not in school teaching your kids.

She's basically someone who's been extorted/blackmailed for money

ThePoshUns · 31/10/2023 21:33

LakeTiticaca · 31/10/2023 21:17

What is LADO?

They are the designated officer for the local authority that oversee safeguarding concerns where there is a professional involved.
Doesn't have to be criminal, can be lifestyle, lack of judgement and associations can all be safeguarding concerns.

Lilacanemone · 31/10/2023 21:33

Cosycover · 31/10/2023 20:20

Lol. What world you living in?

I know doctors who take coke. Nursery and primary teachers too.

Show quote history

How does that make or acceptable? Just because there are a pile of creeps that do it doesn’t make it alright.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/10/2023 21:46

@Nomnomnom66 I agree, I’ve worked in this area for a decade and have known exactly one colleague who behaved like this. No longer employed, funnily enough.

Passepartoute · 31/10/2023 21:47

Whapples · 31/10/2023 16:47

I mean, women can rape - rape is penetration of the vagina or anus when someone hasn’t consented. That includes objects so a man can be raped by a woman but it would be a lot harder to prosecute. But they can.

Totally not true.

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 21:48

OP, be practical and Think of a “worst case scenario”, could this coming out to the light might impact your job? If the answer is “yes” you may not want to go to the police (as he will most probably retaliate). Just block the guy on everything and move on with your life. If the answer is “no” and something like this will have absolutely no impact whatsoever on your job then I would go to the police and go after this guy. Ultimately he has waaaaay more to loose than you. You have the answer of what’s best for you, not us.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/10/2023 21:48

@Lilacanemone does that make it ok? I’m a teacher and if I thought any of my colleagues were taking coke I’d expect them to either access serious help for their poor judgement or no longer be employed. Areas of the curriculum from KS2 and above cover drug and alcohol use FFS, how can a teacher stand up and tell children how to assess risk and make good decisions if they are making poor ones? The GTC/SSSC has standards linked to our private lives for a reason. As I’m sure does the GMC.

Passepartoute · 31/10/2023 21:50

0MammaBear0 · 31/10/2023 17:22

Welcome to the struggle of many men accused of rapes they didn't commit. Except just because they're men if they get reported to the police they're immediately arrested without need for evidence until proven innocent

Well, women can't be arrested for rape as they can't commit rape, so this is a non-point.

SmugglersHaunt · 31/10/2023 21:50

Women can’t rape in U.K. law so completely ignore him.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 31/10/2023 21:51

The pearl clutches are out in force tonight, anyone would think it's Halloween and posters have all turned up as Hyacinth Bucket 🙄
Good on you op, for contacting the police, ignore the outraged posters who believe you should live in a nice sanitised box and only be pulled out to go to work.
I've actually laughed out loud at some of the ridiculous replies.
It's just the way MN is going now, latch onto something in the op and all pile on, there's a word for that . . . . . bullying.
You're the victim, stand up for yourself

SurelySmartie · 31/10/2023 21:51

He’s not married is he?

SoShallINever · 31/10/2023 21:56

AInightingale · 31/10/2023 17:19

You're not the Northern Irish social worker who was in court last week charged with endangering an aircraft with their drunken antics, are you? Your profession must have some pretty low bars - you remove children from their families for far less, and harass and cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety to many more.

No, this is out of order. I'm not a social worker (I couldn't cope with the stress) but I'm a health professional and work alongside SW every day. They do a really stressful job, in very difficult circumstances. I'm sure there's a few who aren't great, but I certainly haven't met any.

Startyabastard · 31/10/2023 21:57

I can imagine something like this happening to me. What a bloody tosser he is!!
He sounds like a right crazy bastard, and I am not judging you.
You see that the coke has made him paranoid.
I also doubt he'll pursue it because he won't want the coverage.

Justgorgeous · 31/10/2023 21:58

What a joke. Child Services and a cocaine user.

SoShallINever · 31/10/2023 21:58

adviceneeded1990 · 31/10/2023 21:48

@Lilacanemone does that make it ok? I’m a teacher and if I thought any of my colleagues were taking coke I’d expect them to either access serious help for their poor judgement or no longer be employed. Areas of the curriculum from KS2 and above cover drug and alcohol use FFS, how can a teacher stand up and tell children how to assess risk and make good decisions if they are making poor ones? The GTC/SSSC has standards linked to our private lives for a reason. As I’m sure does the GMC.

The GTC was scrapped in 2012.

crankit · 31/10/2023 22:02

Sounds like he was having an episode from the session, no sleep etc!

adviceneeded1990 · 31/10/2023 22:05

@SoShallINever sorry, I’m in Scotland so we still have the GTCS! Not totally up on English regulatory bodies, quick google throws up the TRA though which allows misconduct to be reported. I’m assuming drug taking is still misconduct regardless of the monitoring agency.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/10/2023 22:19

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 31/10/2023 21:51

The pearl clutches are out in force tonight, anyone would think it's Halloween and posters have all turned up as Hyacinth Bucket 🙄
Good on you op, for contacting the police, ignore the outraged posters who believe you should live in a nice sanitised box and only be pulled out to go to work.
I've actually laughed out loud at some of the ridiculous replies.
It's just the way MN is going now, latch onto something in the op and all pile on, there's a word for that . . . . . bullying.
You're the victim, stand up for yourself

Ah the bullying card. Prevalent in many threads on MN where more than a few people have the same opinion. Have you not stopped to think that often when there is a majority opinion about something the OP has done or said it DOESN’T always mean that it’s bullying? It simply means that there are a lot of people with the same opinion.

FWIW I said upthread that I don’t think that OP should be working in children’s services with the lifestyle she has. It doesn’t mean that I think she shouldn’t go to the police and report the blackmailer. She should. The 2 opinions are not mutually exclusive. I also think that if OP wants to carry on that risky life style and poor decision making as an adult, then of course she can. She has free will. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is a risky lifestyle and there are often reasons why someone hasn’t grown out of this by the time they’re mid 30s. OP has already mentioned some emotional problems so it’s worth picking up in this very important aspect of her behaviour, not just the issue at hand with the phone messages.

LadyMingeBagOfFallopianshire · 31/10/2023 22:21

'The Snowman' was accused of Sexual Harassment back in 2017.....

NalafromtheLionKing · 31/10/2023 22:25

A woman cannot rape a man. Block the CF and don’t transfer him a penny.

QueenBitch666 · 31/10/2023 22:28

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 18:25

LADO……

What does this mean?