Should I be contacting the police.

[InstantDestiny]

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

or Nurse …. It’s called safeguarding

Safeguarding from what? As long as nobody is impaired on the job, it shouldn't matter. A nurse could drink alcohol the night before work and function fine and that's nothing to safeguard anyone from, but she took coke on the weekend when she didn't have work the next day and suddenly people need safeguarding from the nurse? Don't understand it.

Why did you send him money? This is obviously what he does

I would block him and ignore any further attempts to contact you. If he takes this publicly you could tell your side, so keep copies of everything.

If everyone that worked with children were drug tested there would be a lot of job openings.

@InstantDestiny don’t know what to suggest re the issue, sorry, but I wanted to support you against these deluded posters who think people in certain professions act a particular way in their home life.

The father of my child is in the nhs. He has huge responsibility on a level that it incomparable to most. He is an alcoholic and yes, alcohol ruins more lives than coke. Sadly posters on this thread are rather naive.

"I don’t live like a nun, no, but neither does my private life impact on my career."

"He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services)"

Doesn't seem to be the case, OP.

The op is at least in mid forties with children (adults but what we talking here OP…. Very early twenties?)

OP you sound very very unhappy and lonely. And this is causing you to make some seriously bloody messed up decisions and behave recklessly.

You need to progress that therapy. And fast.

Surely he has more to lose than you? Isn’t he worried you’ll sell your story to recoup the blackmail money?

Do you advocate taking coke and working with children?
This says far more about YOU.

You've rather missed my point.

The one does not excuse the other and victim blaming is a disease in this society.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Bakewell is right, you surround yourself with criminals and you soon become one.

If everyone that worked with children were drug tested there would be a lot of job openings

It’s not just that the OP works with children it’s that she is potentially involved in the removal of children from homes where drug use is a factor in neglect. ( family court proceedings ) She may also be partnering with police in criminal cases around child abuse. If she reports this guy to police for the blackmail and he makes a counter allegation re the drug use / alleged sexual abuse then they will have to investigate. Her professional body will be notified ( because social worker is a notifiable occupation) and it will need to be disclosed to defence solicitors as a factor undermining the prosecution case ( in criminal cases certainly). That could be hours and hours of work down the Swanee and more importantly a prosecution that doesn’t go ahead of a potential abuser because OP made poor decisions in her personal life. Sorry if that interferes with anyone’s sardonic views that “ everyone’s well at it”.
( this is based on the potential that OP is a social worker )

Hmm

I worked on the legal side of children's services and none of my colleagues would have entertained behaviour like this. They were committed professionals.

three weekends in a row full of loads of coke and alcohol and likely next to no sleep and OP doesn’t have youth on her side..,, Mon - Wednesday at work she would have been a zombie with the comedown and hangover

Except its not many men.

False rape claims are a absolutely tiny percentage.

Men however rape with impunity and the vast majority of rapists get away with it.

This.

Do not block him.

Go to the police and report him.

He is absolute violent scum and you need to protect yourself.

Please report him.

No. They can’t. The definition of rape in the UK is non-consensual penetration by a penis. So a woman cannot rape. If she penetrated him by some other means without consent, it would be sexual assault.

Read the post by @Divebar2021 at 8.29am. The OP would be putting her career at risk with very little prospect of a successful prosecution. Unless this man starts hounding her for money, better to block and move on, and try to pui it down to experience, and learn from it.

First of all, it’s impossible for a woman to rape anyone, save by assisting a man to do so. Rape has to be penetration with a penis. I’m assuming he means sexually assaulted him.

Secondly he sounds like the coke has affected him mentally. You’re better off out of there - definitely block and never contact him.

Up to you if you call police - depends if you want the hassle I guess but
they may decide there’s enough evidence he’s blackmailing or harassing you.

No - if it’s with an object it’s called Assault by penetration

Ex police officer. Don't do drugs but have enough knowledge of them to know that a surprising number of recreational drug users manage to hold down responsible jobs and behave otherwise within totally normal social boundaries. They contribute to the awful harms caused by the supply chain nonetheless, which is the strongest argument for legalisation, (except there will always be a black market and people are consistently pretty selfish when it comes to paying more for ethically sourced goods, let alone if you're desperate for a fix and one of the highly addicted, non-recreational users).

Anyway, TLDR, I'm not hysterical about people using drugs despite my previous profession. However, there are certain professions where it is unacceptable for a very good reason. It's not just about contributing to the misery caused by the supply chain (and if OP was a child SW she would be undoubtedly working with young people affected by county lines) but the effect on your own behaviour and judgment. In order to do anything illegal or morally questionable, we all justify ourselves and make excuses for it. This can translate into our responses when working with others who are vulnerable to these same issues. Also, many people go to work with a hangover. Drug hangovers are no different really. There's a point of affectedness beyond which it's unacceptable to attend work because your unfit. As someone working in a profession where other people's well-being relies on you, you have a personal responsibility to know when to stop the night/day before.

If OP is a SW she will be in what is classed as a category 1 notifiable occupation. This means that any convictions, cautions, arrests will be shared with her employer. Her drug use would likely be classed as intelligence rather than logged as a crime (it's not an offence to take drugs per se. The offences are around manufacture, supply and possession and she is no longer in possession so this cannot be proven). Intelligence is different to convictions and cautions. It would be assessed on its own merits. However, who the OP is socialising with (I.e. the male in this scenario and his own involvement with the drug supply chain) and who she works with (e.g. anyone vulnerable to substance abuse or organised crime) could be important factors over whether that information is shared.

I don't know the OP and could be wildly off mark, but my take on this situation is that she's gone on a bender and her companion is seeking to exploit her occupation to extort money from her to continue to fund his own drug use. She is the victim in this scenario and her own drug use is a vulnerability, not something she should be beaten with. The police should take the situation seriously and support her. The other issues about her suitability for position are separate to that, although very important.

Blackmailers can be persistent. Many give up when they are unsuccessful. Some however retaliate with spite. It usually comes down to how easy it is to identify them (in this case easy) and how much they can risk the police being involved in their lives. If this man is well known to police for example, he may not have any intention of reporting OP because it could lead to all sorts of consequences for him if he's involved in drugs.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. You don't deserve it and I hope it resolves. I also hope you re-evaluate your relationship with drugs, which has brought you to this. Drugs necessitate involvement with unsavoury people and make you vulnerable to this kind of situation. It's an unavoidable risk if you continue to use them. It would be worth seeking help.

And yes, in the UK a woman cannot rape. It would be assault by penetration, which carries the same sentence.

@Resilience

I agree with you but he just has to say that the OP gave him the drugs on one occasion and she’s looking at an allegation of supply - it doesn’t have to be true as we know. Then we get into different realms of drugs testing etc all of which becomes incredibly undermining for any active investigations she may be involved in. I would hope that for £200 that she’s lost he just goes away and she can forget about it and move on

he just has to say that the OP gave him the drugs on one occasion and she’s looking at an allegation of supply

I don't think he's saying that (not yet anyway) and she has evidence of him badgering her for money (partly for the drugs he bought?) Plus there would be no evidence of her supplying any drugs, because she didn't.

I agree that if I were OP I'd just keep my head down and hope it goes away though. And clean my act up.

@porridgeisbae a be @Divebar2021 - I agree. In the OPs shoes the greater risk is probably reporting. I think the male is unlikely to report her because it sounds like he's up to his eyeballs in the drug lifestyle and people in that world don't generally want the police asking questions about their lives. However, there's no guarantee.

The point I'd like the OP to be aware of is that if things escalate and she does feel the need to speak to the police, she should not be scared of the police judging her. Blackmailers get away with their crimes because they know their victims have a secret they are desperate to keep. The police know this too. If the secret is of a criminal nature it may also need some follow-up, but the blackmail will still be dealt with and the victim treated as a victim.

For the police to deal with the OP for supply offences they would need a lot more than someone's allegation, which at the moment is itself just intelligence. However, yes it would then be on police systems so potentially shareable.

I didn’t supply anything and that’s not what he has threatened to report me for.