To ask ds to leave home after this?

[wrappedalready]

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment.
I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room.
He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears.
I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1.
The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums.
I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

Time for him to find a place of his own to live, before he teaches the one brother to treat the little one as badly as he does.

Speaking as someone who was bullied by their older brother because we had different dads and a 6 year age gap i can truly say it effected me my whole life and made me feel like an insignificant outsider never good enough and eager to please even the worse of humans just to be liked, please nip this in the bud for that little boys self esteem asap, such a terrible situation to be put in as a mother i feel for you xx

Three children always means someone's left out. Three anyone usually mean someone is left out.
My 2 kids are similar in age and don't particularly get on a lot of time - mostly only when they're both cross at me and gang up together to moan about how awful I am. It's normal. As much as I would love them to like each other, they didn't choose each other and a lot of the time, toleration is the best I can hope for. What I do insist upon is that if they have nothing nice to say to each other that they say nothing. You can't force your eldest to like his little brother, maybe he never will, not everyone likes everyone else and there may be something about the 8 year old he likes more. You can ask him to try and treat them fairly but at the end of the day he's an adult and is building his own relationship with his siblings.

If he were an uncle with a favourite nephew out of the two, what would you say?

I he was a child I'd understand it but he's an adult. What adult can't make themselves be kind to a young child of 6? It would break my heart if that was my 6 yr old boy feeling rejected when all he wants is his big brothers love and attention 😭

So it's ok for ADULTS to treat small children badly, yes?

Exactly the fucking same presumably?! An uncle treating a nephew badly is even worse imo.

An adult ‘building his own relationships’ who insisted on treating his own 6 year old brother like shit can do it outside of the family home. Seriously, what the fuck are people on that they’d allow their small child to be treated badly by a close family member and not do a single thing about it? You’re the only advocate of your child. Don’t let them down.

I understand your situation as I have near enough the same my ds1 is 24 boy ds2 9 boy and my ds3 is 6 boy.

My 24 year old won't allow the 6 year old in his room as he touches things and won't just sit and play video games and relax, fair enough I spend time with my 6 year old when they play video games.

I have however had a very honest conversation with my 24 year old and explained that he needs to find an activity to do with my 6 year old also, which he has done, I did get a little bit of push back from my 24 year old but simply put my house my rules and that if he wasn't happy he could leave.

He now spends 2 night a week playing video games with my 9 year old and 2 nights playing with 6 year old in the living room only for a couple of hours not all night, which ever 1 he is sending time with I spend time with the other 1 so every one gets some 1 on 1 time and no one feels left out.

I would not allow bullying of any form, if you live under my roof then you follow the rules regardless of age.

Door is always open if he is unhappy.

What is the matter with you?? You are allowing your little boy to be bullied in his own home - and by an adult to boot. Stop it. Now.

I sometimes wonder whether, when you hear the accounts of men who move into a girlfriend's home or marry someone with children and then go on to abuse and do horrible things to one child in particular, if there's any clues to their future behaviour in their younger life.

@wrappedalready What did you decide to do in the end?

I think it's ridiculous to expect a 23 year old to get along with a 6 year old. I'm 15 years older than my sister and she was very annoying. I've not read anything so far that constitutes as bullying. The people commenting saying its cruel are very over the top. I cant imagine ever kicking a child out because they dont hang out with a 6 year old. The fact he gets along with the 8 year old is great and you should be grateful for that, after all it's not his fault theres such an age gap. And hopefully hell get along with the other one when hes older, or he'll have moved out by then.

And so was I and it hasnt affected me at all.

There's a massive developmental gap between the ages of 6&8. 6 year olds don't sit still and play computer games nicely, they mess with things they aren't meant to etc, by 8 they can sit still and only need with what they're allowed to.
You say your 6 year old doesn't have an annoying personality - that's because he's your 6 year old, as much as I love kids I've not met many 4,5,6 year olds that aren't annoying at least some of the time. Especially in the evenings when they're getting tired.
Your son has every right to decide who he allows in his personal space after he's been at work all day, it's up to you as a parent to teach your 6 year old that he can't have or do everything your 8 year olds does. What happens when your 8 year old is invited to a friends birthday party do you take the 6 year old as well even though he's not invited?
It's most likely your older son will start doing things with your 6 year old as soon as he stops tantruming at the word no. If he throws a tantrum at not being allowed in a room I can imagine he does the same when out and someone says no to something.

@bibop the OP has said "he's not annoying he's just being 6" which probably means not respecting the belongings of his brother. Which would be annoying.

I can't believe anyone is defending the older son's actions. As PPs have said this treatment will most likely affect the youngest boy for life. In OPs position I would be having serious words

Ask him to move out and proactively help him move out.

Invite him back for Sunday roasts and to stay for the afternoon where your oldest son can join in the lego or other games in the new play room if he is invited in. (His old bedroom.)

Shocking me the amount of people who think this situation is ok! If the oldest brother was a child, then I’d see the point that you can’t force him to spend time with someone he doesn’t like. However, this is an ADULT bullying a CHILD! I’d tell him that he either treats them the same or gets out. It’s this child’s home, he shouldn’t be made to feel unwanted by any adult in his own home, that could do serious psychological damage and also ruin his relationship with the middle child. I’d stop the oldest by limiting what the kids are allowed to do with him. Stop them both going into his room and don’t let him take one out to spoil them, if he wants to take one and not the other you take both the younger two to do something instead and leave this miserable excuse for a man child on his own. Disgusting that any adult could be that mean to child, let alone their own brother.

A 23 year old man is sidelining and excluding a 6 year old child, to the point of tears and distrees and some posters think this is ok? This man knows what he’s doing, he’s bullying a 6 year old.

I’d make a rule that any games belonging to the younger boys are played with in a communal area and the six year old gets as equal time as the eight year old does.
I wouldn’t allow the 8y old to stay in the room if the little one has the door shut in his face. Yes, you’ll have two upset kids but this down to bully boys antics.
If he takes one out for a treat then he takes them both or none at all.

@Nanny0gg its okay not to like people after all you can’t choose your siblings. It’s also okay to refuse people into your personal space. The parent should be parenting the child not expecting the eldest child to entertain them. If my eldest didn’t want my youngest in her room that’s fine, I’d explain to the youngest that the room was the eldests personal space and then I’d do something with the youngest instead. If anything the only bullying going on is the parent saying if you don’t do what I tell you to do you won’t have a home. Maybe if the parent treated all the children the same it would create a model behaviour of treating everyone fairly. It’s clear that the OP has a preference. The eldest is just copying by example.

Repeatedly indulging in conduct which you know will cause a small child to feel ostracised and upset is torment.

This is what I was thinking. Keep both out. Unless younger one is doing something else. Unnecessary aggravation but I wouldnt kick my son out over it, thats harsh. However eldest should listen to why youre taking that action.

How can it not be intentionally unkind to take repeated action which ostracises a small child and which he knows is going to leave him distressed? If the 6 year old can't play the games that the two older ones are playing, then they can play something else and wait till he's out of the house to play their computer games. Or the oldest could leave the two youngest to play together.

You have to set clear boundaries. If DS2 is allowed in, so is DS3 (unless you can distract him with something else first, which may be worth a try) . If not and DS3 crying outside, neither of them go in. If he wants to buy DS2 something, he has to buy DS3 something. Give him very clear rules and the consequences if he doesn’t. It’s important to protect the 6 year old, he is still very young and it’s a key developmental time. Yes he has to learn disappointment in an age appropriate way, but shutting him out and letting him cry outside, is abuse clear and simple.

A 23 year old man behaving that way towards a 6 year old. Time for oldest to move out as it’s unfair on youngest being emotionally bullied by a grown man. Has oldest said what his issue is with the 6 year old?

Well, that's one way to demonstrate you don't know children. If your child shows distress at repeatedly being excluded by, say, his peers at school, do you really just treat it as a tantrum? The birthday party analogy is totally irrelevant.

The oldest son has a right to decide who comes into his room only to the extent he doesn't use it as a means of bullying the one who is never allowed in. He could treat his siblings perfectly fairly by allowing neither in. If he really can't act fairly towards both his brothers even after requests from his mother, then it may be that it is time for him to move out.