Page 9 | To ask ds to leave home after this?

wrappedalready · 2023-10-31T13:20:07+00:00

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment. I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room. He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears. I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1. The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums. I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 01/11/2023 18:07

That’s pretty shit, cruel and very unfair.
I would issue and ultimatum, treat the boys fairly or not at all. Make sure you stick to it.

mia778 · 01/11/2023 18:10

Maybe he’s really annoying. Look after your youngest two yourself , I wouldn’t expect my 22 year old to take on my 9 year old as he’s SEN and can be challenging , it’s not his duty of care

Screamingabdabz · 01/11/2023 18:11

I would not be throwing my child out on the street because of a family issue. It’s not nice behaviour and it needs addressing certainly, but the answer isn’t just to put blinkers on and tell him to leave! Why do people think kids don’t need love and guidance just because they’re over 18???

margesimpson40 · 01/11/2023 19:14

23 ... Hes an adult and should respect the feelings of both boys, 6 and 8 isnt such a huge gap and its cruel on the wee dude. Talk to DS1, tell him its unfair and as an adult he should be mature enough to see that . Dont listen to all the bullshit posts calling you out for using him as a babysitter and saying you should entertain the youngest boy, because thats not the point of your post and they are being both provocative and deliberately obtuse and that pisses me off . I wouldnt throw him out over it though until every other possibility is ruled out.

Good luck xx

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/11/2023 19:50

Your oldest son us old enough to be a dad, so should know better!
Sorry, tell him to get out. No negotiation. He has very odd behaviour; I'd go so far as to say he's a prick.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/11/2023 20:04

I have similar ages. My DS is 25, he prefers my youngest DS but would NEVER let DS 2 know this.
He is an adult and understands that feelings can be hurt - esp for a child to feel that sibling loves other brother more, it’s awful. And buying sibling gifts and not the other? Your DS is immature and cruel.

Cariadm · 01/11/2023 20:07

Frankly I don't know why you even feel the need to ask the question?! Sorry but DS1's behaviour is unforgiveable, irrational and actually callous and I would find it quite worrying myself. 🙄
Even if he doesn't 'like' DS3 and is annoyed by him surely his compassion and empathy SHOULD naturally prevent him from treating him the way you have mentioned? 🤔
DS3 is little more than a toddler FFS and just finding himself, there is no way in this world that you could ever explain or justify DS1's actions to him nor should you have to!
DS1 has to go, there is no other recourse, he doesn't deserve to stay in the FAMILY home, END OF?! 😱

Sennelier1 · 01/11/2023 20:37

I think you should ask your 23year old to move out, to find a place of his own. Then your family can regain an equilibrium where two young brothers can enjoy a regular family life.

Vivi0 · 01/11/2023 20:38

This is really going to destroy the relationship between your two younger sons.

When your eldest son does eventually move out and move on, with friends or a partner, which realistically may not be too far away, you are going to be left with two children who should naturally be each others playmates, but whose relationship is fractured. You may never be able to mend it.

I think you need to act quickly here and speak to your elder son. If he doesn’t see the problem or continues with this behaviour, then it is time for him to move out.

He is 23. I have a 22 year old sister who lived with us for a short time. Had she treated either of my children like this, she would have been gone.

It makes no difference that he is their sibling. He is an adult and the age gap between him and them is too great for these kind of dynamics. This is far too damaging to the relationship between your younger sons to be allowed to continue.

GabriellaFaith · 01/11/2023 21:03

Have you had a proper grown up talk with him about his behaviour and it's impact etc? If yes and it's continued, give him a prompt deadline

Olive19741205 · 01/11/2023 21:08

mia778 · 01/11/2023 18:10

Maybe he’s really annoying. Look after your youngest two yourself , I wouldn’t expect my 22 year old to take on my 9 year old as he’s SEN and can be challenging , it’s not his duty of care

So a completely different scenario altogether from the OP then? Do you have another child that could be favoured over your 9 year old?

OhmygodDont · 01/11/2023 22:11

Vivi0 · 01/11/2023 20:38

This is really going to destroy the relationship between your two younger sons.

When your eldest son does eventually move out and move on, with friends or a partner, which realistically may not be too far away, you are going to be left with two children who should naturally be each others playmates, but whose relationship is fractured. You may never be able to mend it.

I think you need to act quickly here and speak to your elder son. If he doesn’t see the problem or continues with this behaviour, then it is time for him to move out.

He is 23. I have a 22 year old sister who lived with us for a short time. Had she treated either of my children like this, she would have been gone.

It makes no difference that he is their sibling. He is an adult and the age gap between him and them is too great for these kind of dynamics. This is far too damaging to the relationship between your younger sons to be allowed to continue.

Edited

I mean you’re wrong a 8 and 6 year old siblings are not actually naturally each others playmates. Siblings don’t always get along and age gaps can and do play a huge part. I could easily see a 8 year old thinking a 6 year old is a baby just like 12 year old not wanting to play with 10 year olds.

Hell year 7’s vs year 6’s not even a years age gap a lot wouldn’t be seen dead together.

some siblings love each other more than the world itself and think each other are the bees knees others tolerate and others hate.

What op needs to do is manage realistic sibling relationships. Don’t make ds2 hate ds3 because “cool” ds1 has to leave or no longer play, but also make sure ds3 isn’t always left out. She also needs to not kill the relationship between ds1 and ds2. What she wants for ds3 won’t be gained by removing the love for ds2 it will just sever that relationship too.

SoShallINever · 01/11/2023 22:27

Good Lord, you don't have 3 DC. You have 2 DC and an adult son. I'd be having a very strongly worded conversation with your 23year old. Either he stops winding up DC3 or he finds his own place.

SoShallINever · 01/11/2023 22:32

Is it also a bit of a red flag that he is holing up with one kid in his room, presumably behind a locked door? and taking him out to buy him gifts? It almost looks like grooming.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 01/11/2023 22:36

Omg get a life

Vivi0 · 01/11/2023 22:46

OhmygodDont · 01/11/2023 22:11

I mean you’re wrong a 8 and 6 year old siblings are not actually naturally each others playmates. Siblings don’t always get along and age gaps can and do play a huge part. I could easily see a 8 year old thinking a 6 year old is a baby just like 12 year old not wanting to play with 10 year olds.

Hell year 7’s vs year 6’s not even a years age gap a lot wouldn’t be seen dead together.

some siblings love each other more than the world itself and think each other are the bees knees others tolerate and others hate.

What op needs to do is manage realistic sibling relationships. Don’t make ds2 hate ds3 because “cool” ds1 has to leave or no longer play, but also make sure ds3 isn’t always left out. She also needs to not kill the relationship between ds1 and ds2. What she wants for ds3 won’t be gained by removing the love for ds2 it will just sever that relationship too.

Show quote history

I mean you’re wrong a 8 and 6 year old siblings are not actually naturally each others playmates. Siblings don’t always get along and age gaps can and do play a huge part.

No, sorry, you’re wrong. The OP states that the younger boys get along great when her adult son is not there.

I could easily see a 8 year old thinking a 6 year old is a baby just like 12 year old not wanting to play with 10 year olds.

Read the OP. This is not the case. The problems only arise when the 6 year old son is excluded by the 23 year old son.

She also needs to not kill the relationship between ds1 and ds2. What she wants for ds3 won’t be gained by removing the love for ds2 it will just sever that relationship too.

The only person who will kill the relationship is DS1 if he cannot treat the younger children of the family the same way that any other adult in the family is expected to.

She will regain a harmonious home environment for the younger sons though, as it already exists when the 23 year old son is not there. She is entitled to protect her children from the damage these situations cause, and if relationships are severed, well that is on the individual who is causing the issue.

pineapplecrushed · 01/11/2023 23:01

kick him out. He's 23.

BackAgainstWall · 01/11/2023 23:21

YADNBU

How awful for your poor 6 year old.

At 23, your older son should know better. He really is a heartless bully. He should love him and protect him!

Disgusting behaviour. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he either stops it completely straight away or he will have to find somewhere else to live.

BackAgainstWall · 01/11/2023 23:26

…I think if you let your 23 year old DS stay, you would be condoning his behaviour.

It’s time he learnt that dire behaviour has dire consequences.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2023 23:52

Itisbetter · 31/10/2023 13:49

They’re not allowed in big brothers room
He may not buy them gifts unless you agree it first.

solved

This I think. And if your eldest doesn’t like it, then he leaves.

saythatagaintome · 02/11/2023 01:38

A 23 yr bullying a 6yr… pathetic. C’mon now Pps saying he’s justified. Wobble your heads! OP, I’d be informing my 23 yr that time is up.

He’s an adult, can work and pay rent elsewhere.

Your 6yr doesn’t have that option. Horrible to be subjected under the same roof with an adult that’s a bully. Ridiculous!

junbean · 02/11/2023 01:52

Sounds like he needs a wake up call. He's young and immature but you have to stand up for your youngest. I would say "If you don't treat your youngest brother with more care you can't stay here" to give him a chance to improve rather than kick him out immediately. Give him room to do better. There's a big age gap between mine as well, and I have to mitigate similarly so I get it.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 02/11/2023 09:53

@wrappedalready You have had lots of good advice/opinions on here, what are you going to do?

Mothermax81 · 04/11/2023 19:08

Sounds like jealousy to me he's 21 time to find his own feet in the world

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 04/11/2023 19:11

Get him out, he’s a cruel twat.