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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He hit me but said I deserved it

139 replies

alco · 31/10/2023 10:05

Firstly I am an alcoholic. I have been mostly sober for 4 years. I had nearly 6 months this time but I slipped yesterday. I was never a violent drunk, I have seen found out I have a MH issue which I was using alcohol to cover.

DH was really really annoyed about it and hit me. I told him never raise a hand to me again but he said I needed it. He also got into a huge 'anger' himself and went to leave with our son but then handed me our son and stormed off

Did I need to be hit?

OP posts:

DailyMailHater · 31/10/2023 10:08

No - but I do think you maybe both need to be apart and work on your issues (your alcohol and get support for your mental health and him his anger) - currently it doesn’t sound a good environment for either of you and especially not your son.

DisquietintheRanks · 31/10/2023 10:10

Of course not. If hitting people stopped them drinking then they'd offer it as therapy, not criminalise it.

He assaulted you. Please call the police.

Catscatscatscatscatscats · 31/10/2023 10:10

Of course not...there is never any justification for hitting. Never.

Wheredidyougonow · 31/10/2023 10:11

No one deserves to be hit but dealing with an alcoholic has a huge impact on every single family member. I think you both need to separate and you work on your issues.

Sp1ke3 · 31/10/2023 10:11

No. You never need or deserve to be hit. Hitting you is a crime. You can report him to the police. Please call them or Women’s Aid or another support service. Do not let this man back into your life. Do not let him near your child.

Your life will be infinitely better without a violent abuser in it. There is never any excuse for violence.

Being an alcoholic is not a choice. You need love and support. You are worth infinitely more than a violent man.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 31/10/2023 10:12

Your poll options are unclear.

You didn’t deserve to be hit. No one does.

‘Hitting’ is also called assault. He assaulted you. Call the police. Now.

Original poster

alco · 31/10/2023 10:12

@DailyMailHater tbh I think I have gotten all the help I can with alcoholism. I know wht I am. He isn't normally angry

OP posts:

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 31/10/2023 10:13

Of course not. The only acceptable amount of hitting in a marriage is none.
I think he may have reached his limit of tolerance as a partner of an alcoholic though. But the way to deal with that is to leave, not violence.
You can’t look after your son when you’re drinking.

Original poster

alco · 31/10/2023 10:13

@DisquietintheRanks if hitting me stopped me ever wanting another drink I would sign up for it every day!

OP posts:

AgnesX · 31/10/2023 10:14

Wheredidyougonow · 31/10/2023 10:11

No one deserves to be hit but dealing with an alcoholic has a huge impact on every single family member. I think you both need to separate and you work on your issues.

There is no "but". There's no excuse.
I agree that the OP and her partner should separate.

Dustpantsandbush · 31/10/2023 10:14

Domestic violence and alcohol abuse is a recipe for disaster for your child. You need to break up and get support for your drinking before you lose your child.

Passerillage · 31/10/2023 10:15

No. You never “need” to be hit. He was in the wrong.

Somehow your post reads like you were violent when drunk yesterday though? And are you receiving treatment for the MH issues you describe?

GilberMarkham · 31/10/2023 10:15

No, hitting is never ok.

You never "have to" hit anyone.

Comedycook · 31/10/2023 10:16

He shouldn't have hit you...that's obvious.

However, my father was an alcoholic and quite frankly, living with an alcoholic is utter hell on earth and can drive you to the absolute edge of your own sanity.

Cowlover89 · 31/10/2023 10:16

No. You been to call the police

GilberMarkham · 31/10/2023 10:17

but he said I needed it

Noone needs to be hit FFS.

Especially not an alcoholic with a MH issue.

How does hitting them help or achieve anything??

It's a BS cover for not being able to control his own violence/aggression.

WhateverMate · 31/10/2023 10:18

Did I need to be hit?

See you know the answer is no and you know everyone on MN will tell you this.

Are you focusing on this question because it's helping to distract from working out what you need to do now?

I'm sorry you're in this position OP

Original poster

alco · 31/10/2023 10:18

@Passerillage no I wasn't violent. I'm not a violent drinker. I was getting help but the GPs psychiatrist retired and there's no replacement yet I have BPD.

He is not normally violent either. He was upset with me.

I haven't had a slip in 6 months. I know alcohol is toxic for me. I have been under a lot of stress/ anxiety/ pressure the last few weeks

OP posts:

Comedycook · 31/10/2023 10:19

But regardless he shouldn't have done it. The whole thing sounds totally toxic. Your poor child. You should report him to the police.

you also need more help. You sound really rather passive in terms of your alcoholism.

rwalker · 31/10/2023 10:19

Did you deserve to be hit no
can I see why it happened yes

sounds like he’s snapped out of frustration
living with and supporting an alcoholic is a job that not everyone can deal with
it destroys there life as well as there’s
tbh you need to go your separate ways

Original poster

alco · 31/10/2023 10:20

Comedycook · 31/10/2023 10:16

He shouldn't have hit you...that's obvious.

However, my father was an alcoholic and quite frankly, living with an alcoholic is utter hell on earth and can drive you to the absolute edge of your own sanity.

Ya, that's why I sort of wonder if I should just be grateful that he even stays with me. I grew up in an alcoholic house, it was terrifying. I have sought help though so my son does not grow up in the same.

OP posts:

GilberMarkham · 31/10/2023 10:20

Somehow your post reads like you were violent when drunk yesterday though

I don't read it that way.

I read it like the op is saying she's never been violent herself, so it's not a two way thing. He's introduced the violence.

Comedycook · 31/10/2023 10:20

How long have you been together? Has he ever been violent before?

Pinkpantherstrikes · 31/10/2023 10:21

As @Comedycook says.
you both sound like you’re at breaking point. This is a very bad environment for your child and if you don’t act today and reach out for help, you will damage your child forever.
Your child is the priority here, and if that means someone else taking care of them, then that’s what you need to be arranging.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 10:22

You didn’t deserve to be hit.
Your partner and child don’t deserve to live with an alcoholic.

The best thing for all involved is for your to separate and work on your issues independently.

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