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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He hit me but said I deserved it

139 replies

alco · 31/10/2023 10:05

Firstly I am an alcoholic. I have been mostly sober for 4 years. I had nearly 6 months this time but I slipped yesterday. I was never a violent drunk, I have seen found out I have a MH issue which I was using alcohol to cover.

DH was really really annoyed about it and hit me. I told him never raise a hand to me again but he said I needed it. He also got into a huge 'anger' himself and went to leave with our son but then handed me our son and stormed off

Did I need to be hit?

OP posts:
Diolchynfawr · 31/10/2023 10:23

He shouldn’t have hit you.
The rights and wrongs of the one action aren’t really your main issue though.
You are an alcoholic living with a man who is violent when angry. Alcohol abuse and domestic violence aren’t good for children, I think you need to look at your living situation.

GilberMarkham · 31/10/2023 10:23

alco · 31/10/2023 10:20

Ya, that's why I sort of wonder if I should just be grateful that he even stays with me. I grew up in an alcoholic house, it was terrifying. I have sought help though so my son does not grow up in the same.

Show quote history

You shouldn't be taking violence off someone because you're grateful they stay with you, because you're an alcoholic.

Hrs just made the whole situation a million times worse.

I don't think being hit is going to help your mh issue or alcoholism, quite the opposite.

Original poster
alco · 31/10/2023 10:24

@Comedycook we're together 12 years. He has on occasion, usually when I deserve it. He was also very bad once maybe 8 years ago. I phoned his sister to come get him. He was drunk that time. He doesn't drink now. Hasn't in 3 years

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 31/10/2023 10:25

Nobody is going to say you deserved to be hit.

Today you need to be taking steps to get help with your alcohol dependence.

Your son doesn’t deserve to be in a home with an alcoholic mother and a violent father.

Original poster
alco · 31/10/2023 10:26

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 10:22

You didn’t deserve to be hit.
Your partner and child don’t deserve to live with an alcoholic.

The best thing for all involved is for your to separate and work on your issues independently.

I do everything for DH and DS. I cook ever meal, wash every item of clothing, clean the house, do the shopping, book the GP, arrange everything. I am not a bad mum.

I am sober 99% of the time. I am working on that 1%

OP posts:
Comedycook · 31/10/2023 10:26

alco · 31/10/2023 10:24

@Comedycook we're together 12 years. He has on occasion, usually when I deserve it. He was also very bad once maybe 8 years ago. I phoned his sister to come get him. He was drunk that time. He doesn't drink now. Hasn't in 3 years

So it's not a one off then. The whole situation sounds awful. You both need help now before you totally ruin your child's life. Sorry to sound harsh but this is an not an environment any child should be in.

RoomOfRequirement · 31/10/2023 10:26

He shouldn't have hit you. You did not deserve it.

You should not be drinking. Your family do not deserve it.

Your son deserves a better family than an abusive father and alcoholic mother. Your 'sin' is not better than his. You're both wrong and abusive.

Original poster
alco · 31/10/2023 10:29

@RoomOfRequirement he will always have an alcoholic mother I cannot change that, it's as much a part of me as BPD. My sin is going to be with me even if I never lift another drink in my life

OP posts:
RoomOfRequirement · 31/10/2023 10:32

alco · 31/10/2023 10:29

@RoomOfRequirement he will always have an alcoholic mother I cannot change that, it's as much a part of me as BPD. My sin is going to be with me even if I never lift another drink in my life

Pedantic over the terminology, really?

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2023 10:34

No you didn’t deserve it - you know that really; you need to separate from him

WhateverMate · 31/10/2023 10:34

So what do you think will happen now OP, going forward?

Sp1ke3 · 31/10/2023 10:35

Oh lovely, you haven’t got sin. You’ve got an illness. You need help and support, not violence and blame. Your son needs help and support.

Reach out to someone for help now, this minute. Call the police, the GP, the crisis team, Samaritans, Women’s Aid. Take this opportunity to help yourself and your child.

Original poster
alco · 31/10/2023 10:36

RoomOfRequirement · 31/10/2023 10:32

Pedantic over the terminology, really?

Show quote history

I don't think I am being pedantic, sorry. I am what I am is what I was trying to say

OP posts:
Original poster
alco · 31/10/2023 10:37

@WhateverMate I think I will be blamed and DH will say I made him. I also think I will take it because I don't feel I deserve any better. TBH he is actually a lovely guy I have pushed him too far.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 10:39

alco · 31/10/2023 10:26

I do everything for DH and DS. I cook ever meal, wash every item of clothing, clean the house, do the shopping, book the GP, arrange everything. I am not a bad mum.

I am sober 99% of the time. I am working on that 1%

Show quote history

As you have said yourself in a subsequent reply though OP, an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even if they never take another drink. Living with that does put a strain on the household and those living within it, anyone who lives with an alcoholic will know that even when it’s been 6 months since they last had a drink there is always a level of worry, anxiety and pressure living with that person, you always worry when they may next fall off the wagon. I lived with a functional alcoholic for years, they worked in a high pressure job all day and were widely known for how brilliant they were at the job, they organised our family events, they did our washing, they cooked our meals, they ticked all the boxes of being a good parent, that doesn’t mean they weren’t an alcoholic though, and it didn’t stop us from feeling that worry, tension, anxiety in the household because alcoholism is ALWAYS there, no matter how you outwardly present.

You don’t deserve to be hit, nobody deserves to be hit. Both you and your partner have your own issues to work on and for the sake of the child in the middle the best thing you can do for them is to separate and work independently on these things.

Original poster
alco · 31/10/2023 10:40

@Sp1ke3 thanks, I probably do need more help. I wanted to go back to the MH hospital when I was suicidal after DS was born but DH didn't want me to. Said He'd miss me. I wanted to go back there recently too but he said I don't need too. I am sober far far more than I am drunk. I was sober for 2 years that was my best stint, altho I was pregnant for a good chunk of that.

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 31/10/2023 10:41

No he shouldn't have hit you.

As for the alcoholism. Depends on the extent of it, your behaviour around it and how much you drop the ball as to whether I can understand what has happened or not.

Pinkpantherstrikes · 31/10/2023 10:42

OP please come off this thread and use this time to call the services that can actively help you in real life- GP for an urgent appointment, Womens aid . Please ask for help today for the sake of your child.

Banrion · 31/10/2023 10:45

This is hard to read.
He's not a good person. I know he's under stress living with an alcoholic.
He hit you. He will again.
He told you he missed you so that you wouldn't go get the help you needed!
He doesn't support you.
He sounds very selfish.
You need to listen to everyone else's advice today. They've suggested lots of places you can turn for help. Try them all as you need the help. You're going to have to help yourself and take responsibility for getting yourself better as clearly he isn't going to help you. You're going to have to help yourself. Start now. Phone those numbers for a start and look towards leaving him.

WhateverMate · 31/10/2023 10:45

alco · 31/10/2023 10:37

@WhateverMate I think I will be blamed and DH will say I made him. I also think I will take it because I don't feel I deserve any better. TBH he is actually a lovely guy I have pushed him too far.

So when you said earlier....

I grew up in an alcoholic house, it was terrifying. I have sought help though so my son does not grow up in the same.

That wasn't true?

Your self pity is almost as destructive as your drinking and I know that sounds harsh but it's what's keeping you and your child in a violent relationship right now.

If you think you don't deserve any better that's one thing, but do you really think your child doesn't either?

ElizaMulvil · 31/10/2023 10:45

There's no future for a relationship where your husband hits you.

Get out. You may well feel much less need to drink without an abusive man in your life.

Think about what it is doing to your son living in a violent household. If you can't split for yourself, do it for your son.

Passerillage · 31/10/2023 10:46

@alco Apologies for misinterpreting you!

GinAndJuice99 · 31/10/2023 10:49

I don't know why people are talking about your drinking as if it's a consideration in all this. It's irrelevant and it's also bordering on victim blaming. The bottom line is that he assaulted you. Call the police.

In any case it sounds like you were doing well going almost six months sober. You having a drink is in no way equivalent harm to a child's welfare to having a violent bully in the home. Call the police, end this situation as soon as you can. You will probably find that you feel far less need to drink when you're free.

ManateeFair · 31/10/2023 10:50

There is no excuse for your husband to hit you. None. It is fundamentally wrong, and criminal, for anyone to hit their partner, for any reason. However angry he was, he should not hit you. Ever.

This is a terrible relationship. You have an addiction, which you are trying to manage, along with your mental health issues. That obviously does have an impact on your husband - of course it does. But if his reaction to you having a lapse with alcohol is a) to hit you and b) to then tell you that you deserved it, he is still the one in the wrong. It's even more distressing that your son is being made a part of this. He shouldn't ever be used as a prop for threats to leave or be made to witness this sort of behaviour from your husband.

You need to leave this man NOW. You also need help with your addiction and MH problems, clearly. But the first step here is to get this man out of your life.

Mari9999 · 31/10/2023 10:52

@alco
When does a woman deserve to be hit?