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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He hit me but said I deserved it

139 replies

alco · 31/10/2023 10:05

Firstly I am an alcoholic. I have been mostly sober for 4 years. I had nearly 6 months this time but I slipped yesterday. I was never a violent drunk, I have seen found out I have a MH issue which I was using alcohol to cover.

DH was really really annoyed about it and hit me. I told him never raise a hand to me again but he said I needed it. He also got into a huge 'anger' himself and went to leave with our son but then handed me our son and stormed off

Did I need to be hit?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 31/10/2023 11:29

Nobody should EVER be hit. Nobody EVER deserves or needs to be hit.
OP, please get some support to help you with alcohol and with your abusive partner - what you are experiencing is not right, and you deserve the best of everything in life.

WhateverMate · 31/10/2023 11:31

Notalldogs23 · 31/10/2023 11:25

You seem to have decided that you deserved to be hit, despite what pps have said.

You need to plan how you can protect your son from witnessing domestic violence again.

You seem to have decided that you deserved to be hit, despite what pps have said.

It's classic addict behaviour.

Often someone knows it's wrong but if they can convince themselves they deserve it, they don't have to do anything to change it.

The long uphill road to changing it, can often be far worse in their mind than actually putting up with it.

It's just so sad for the child that they'll no doubt witness a lot more violence before one parent says 'enough is enough' and actually means it, or something tragic happens to end it.

BardRelic · 31/10/2023 11:36

My dad is an alcoholic and whilst yes, it has driven my mum right to the edge, she's never hit him. She may have felt like doing so, but when you're the smaller, less powerful one somehow you can muster up the self-control not to do it. OP, your husband is a violent bully. He has stopped you trying to get help for your issues. Yes, it's very hard being with an alcoholic. But that means that when they're trying to address their MH problems you help them. You don't use emotional blackmail to get them to stay with you, as your DH has done.

I think you need to get his violence on record. There is no excuse to hit you and the only reason you think that is because of your parents. Then get help separating from him. And also help tackling your addiction and MH problems. As for your son, if you can get your life on track he may be better off with you than elsewhere. But unfortunately you may be at the mercy of family courts with that one and if your husband comes from money, they might believe him more. But that's why you need his violence on record, and you need help.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/10/2023 11:38

alco · 31/10/2023 10:54

But I would never get to see DS if I leave. I am a known alcoholic. It's known I have MH issues

He didn’t even take your DS when you’d been drinking - he doesn’t strike me as a man who wants his child solo.

Is that one of the reasons he didn’t want you going into hospital when your DS was small - because he’d have to parent solo?

LadyWiddiothethird · 31/10/2023 11:48

No you don’t deserve to be hit.

I am a recovering alcoholic,over 20years sober,get yourself to an AA meeting.Stop making excuses for why you drank,there are no excuses.

FartSock5000 · 31/10/2023 11:56

@alco he has NO right to ever assault you. NONE.

Your alcoholism may be causing a strain on the family but he doesn't get to smack you for that.

Sit him down and tell him the very next time he raises hands to you will be his last and you WILL report him to Police.

Take your meds, engage with therapy and go to meetings (AA). Your addiction makes you selfish and not yourself. You cannot beat it alone. You know that so stop inflicting it on your family and co operate with the help that is available.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 11:57

you seem to have decided that you deserved to be hit, despite what pps have said.

It's classic addict behaviour.

It's classic woman-on-the-receiving-end-of-abuse behaviour, especially if they have low self esteem as a result of a damaging childhood, addiction, etc (but abuse itself can cause low self esteem too of course.)

A lot of victims feel like this, because it's what their perpetrators say.

But it's not true OP x

Moccasin · 31/10/2023 12:02

No you don’t deserve it OP, and you know you don’t, so why ask?
honestly though, you sound hard work, which I'm sure you know you are.
The whole situation sounds awful and I feel very sorry for your DC being brought up in this environment. You don’t really seem to want to improve things to give DC a better life. I know that sounds harsh, but also sounds like the truth IMO

ArthurbellaScott · 31/10/2023 12:02

alco · 31/10/2023 10:24

@Comedycook we're together 12 years. He has on occasion, usually when I deserve it. He was also very bad once maybe 8 years ago. I phoned his sister to come get him. He was drunk that time. He doesn't drink now. Hasn't in 3 years

You are in an abusive relationship.

You need help, and your child also needs help.

Who is supporting you, OP? Have you social services contacts? Mental health support? Friends you can talk to?

ArthurbellaScott · 31/10/2023 12:04

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 11:57

you seem to have decided that you deserved to be hit, despite what pps have said.

It's classic addict behaviour.

It's classic woman-on-the-receiving-end-of-abuse behaviour, especially if they have low self esteem as a result of a damaging childhood, addiction, etc (but abuse itself can cause low self esteem too of course.)

A lot of victims feel like this, because it's what their perpetrators say.

But it's not true OP x

Yes, this.

OP you've posted in AIBU, which can attract very harsh responses.

I wonder if you might get better support and advice on the Relationships board?

AbbeyGailsParty · 31/10/2023 12:11

Living with an alcoholic is shit. Utterly toxic and affects the whole family.
But violence isn’t going to stop an alcoholic drinking.
”tbh I think I have gotten all the help I can with alcoholism.”
No, you haven’t. The help is lifelong, you know that. You go to a Meeting today, tomorrow and the next day, and the next if necessary. Or call your sponsor and have them come to you.

You have the choice.

GilberMarkham · 31/10/2023 12:14

He has on occasion, usually when I deserve it.

So he's a repeated violent man then.

You don't deserve to be hit.

Noone does.

Your problem is you actually believe you deserve to be hit.

He can do any number of things other than hit you.

I'm sure there have been times youve been at the absolute end of your tether with your child for example.... But I bet you didn't hit him/her. Why not?

Ths answer to that is why he shouldn't be getting you or anybody.

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 12:14

You didn't deserve to be hit but your son doesn't deserve to live with an alcoholic either. Not sure where it would be best for him to live, are there other relatives he can live with whilst you both sort your issues out separately?

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 12:17

After reading your subsequent posts I am afraid if I knew you as a family I would be reporting you as a safeguarding concern for your DC, he needs external help.

PamFritters · 31/10/2023 12:21

Hot take but in what way are you an alcoholic?

You say you have been sober more than drinking in the last four years. You have one slip in 6 months and your husband hits you for it.

He’s been violent to you for years.

You have had an abusive traumatic life.

BPD is bollocks, recognised less and less. It’s a cop out diagnosis they give women because they are lazy. It’s more likely c-PTSD. A very normal response to trauma.

Alcohol abuse is common in trauma. It doesn’t actually mean you are an alcoholic.

I speak from personal experience. I no longer drink but I didn’t need AA or rehab or detox. I just needed to address my trauma. I’ve shaken off a BPD diagnosis and have stable mental health.

Theres a high chance that if you left the abuse you’d lose the MH issues and alcohol crutches.

Gnomegnomegnome · 31/10/2023 12:24

It’s never okay to hit anyone and blaming it on you being an alcoholic is awful. No ‘but’ or ‘however’.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent, no one would ever have hit them no matter what hell we were going through because we knew that they were struggling. They weren’t drinking for fun!

Are you currently receiving support for your addiction and/or BPD?

Duckingella · 31/10/2023 12:25

He'll hit you again,then again,then it'll be a punch,a kick,bruises,a black eye,a broken bone...........

There is NO excuse to hit someone.

Please call women's aid if you're not prepared to go to the police.

kitsuneghost · 31/10/2023 12:27

He shouldn't have hit you and he shouldn't have left your son with you.
He should have just left quietly with your son

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 12:29

It's usually seen as good to treat any trauma/MH issues and substance abuse issues alongside each other. Any treatment OP can access to help her stay sober, can't hurt. Same goes for any treatment for her mental health, as long as it's a type of help that makes her feel better, rather than worse. Decent professionals can treat 'BPD' (aka a response to trauma in childhood) without being stigmatising/nasty about it.

For sure leaving her abuser is bound to help too.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 31/10/2023 12:29

PamFritters · 31/10/2023 12:21

Hot take but in what way are you an alcoholic?

You say you have been sober more than drinking in the last four years. You have one slip in 6 months and your husband hits you for it.

He’s been violent to you for years.

You have had an abusive traumatic life.

BPD is bollocks, recognised less and less. It’s a cop out diagnosis they give women because they are lazy. It’s more likely c-PTSD. A very normal response to trauma.

Alcohol abuse is common in trauma. It doesn’t actually mean you are an alcoholic.

I speak from personal experience. I no longer drink but I didn’t need AA or rehab or detox. I just needed to address my trauma. I’ve shaken off a BPD diagnosis and have stable mental health.

Theres a high chance that if you left the abuse you’d lose the MH issues and alcohol crutches.

BPD is bollocks, recognised less and less. It’s a cop out diagnosis they give women because they are lazy. It’s more likely c-PTSD. A very normal response to trauma.

Do you have a link about it being 'bollocks' please?

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 12:30

@kitsuneghost the son shouldn't be with the dad

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 12:35

I get what Pam is saying but treatment for the less-than-ideal behavioural/psychological effects someone can develop as a response to trauma can be beneficial.

When I did the Freedom Programme, the leaders had this 'drop the disorder' outlook, but a lot of women there had many, probably pre-existing issues which would've benefited from more therapy and treatment.

WhateverMate · 31/10/2023 12:39

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 12:35

I get what Pam is saying but treatment for the less-than-ideal behavioural/psychological effects someone can develop as a response to trauma can be beneficial.

When I did the Freedom Programme, the leaders had this 'drop the disorder' outlook, but a lot of women there had many, probably pre-existing issues which would've benefited from more therapy and treatment.

I don't think anyone here should be deciding the OP's mental health disorder is bollocks and that she might not even be an alcoholic.

That crosses a line massively.

sollenwir · 31/10/2023 12:39

There is no justification for hitting someone (with the caveat of self defence perhaps), so please don't tell yourself you 'deserve' it, because you didn't.

That said, you do need some help/support with your addiction issues, for the sake of you and everyone around you.

Neriah · 31/10/2023 12:43

alco · 31/10/2023 10:12

@DailyMailHater tbh I think I have gotten all the help I can with alcoholism. I know wht I am. He isn't normally angry

Hitting someone is never right, but that isn't quite the same thing as not being understandable.

There is no such thing as "mostly sober". You either are, or you aren't. You drank yesterday, so you aren't.

It sounds to me like you both need help - this is not a good environment to be raising child.

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