He hit me but said I deserved it

[alco]

Firstly I am an alcoholic. I have been mostly sober for 4 years. I had nearly 6 months this time but I slipped yesterday. I was never a violent drunk, I have seen found out I have a MH issue which I was using alcohol to cover.

DH was really really annoyed about it and hit me. I told him never raise a hand to me again but he said I needed it. He also got into a huge 'anger' himself and went to leave with our son but then handed me our son and stormed off

Did I need to be hit?

Where are you based? Are you working a program? Going to meetings?

Of course you don’t deserve to be hit. it sounds like you and your son need more support. How old is he?

I’m sorry about your abusive up bringing and no of course hitting you isn’t the answer nor did you deserve it, I think you know this.

are you sober now, when is the last time you had a drink? And was your child there yesterday when you were drinking, were you alone with them?

I think (I hope) that possibly what the poster who said this meant is that BPD is one of the most commonly misdiagnosed mental health conditions and this is largely because it is really quite difficult to diagnose accurately due to the fact many of the symptoms overlap with other mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, even substance abuse and yes, PTSD. Many are almost reluctant to make a BPD diagnosis because it can be really difficult to say for sure that it’s accurate due to all of the overlapping symptoms.

I hope that what the poster was intending to point out is that perhaps if the OP is able to open up and seek help not just for alcoholism but also to deal with a lot of the trauma that has been described throughout the posts, they may find that things start to change for them in terms of their mental health in general and relationship with alcohol as well as other things such as self esteem. Unresolved trauma and PTSD can present itself in many different ways and could potentially lead to a misdiagnosis, I hope this is all the previous poster intended to say

No one deserves go be hit.
No one deserves to live with an alcoholic; it destroys lives, yours and everyone’s around you. It will be a horrible burden for your son to bear to see you live life as an alcoholic. Don’t model that as a normal lifestyle. Please seek help for yourself. Xxx

There’s a lot of blame being flung around for your apparent lack of treatment, you make your own decision when it comes to having a drink so why can’t you make your own decisions when it comes to your treatment? stop putting excuses in the way why you can’t and just get on with it, you both should be thoroughly ashamed of your actions and behaving that way in front of your son.

when you say your ‘known’ for having MH issues and as an alcoholic do you mean your known to the police? Is that why you say they would take your son away?

I grew up with an semi-alcoholic mother, she wasn’t a ‘violent drunk’ either, but the mental torture that she was blissfully unaware of the next day leaves a lasting impact that you can never fully get over, you should know better than anyone after growing up the way you did.

Get treatment for your mental health issues and get treatment for you alcoholism and stop subjecting your child to this abuse.

are you sober now, when is the last time you had a drink? And was your child there yesterday when you were drinking, were you alone with them?

Seriously??

OK there's two issues here.

1. You're an alcoholic and your alcoholism needs urgent treatment, regardless of whether you're actively drinking or 'sober' today or not - it's a lifelong issue;

2. Your partner is violence and he is justifying / rationalising violent criminal abuse of you and you are buying into to his excuses.

These are separate issues.

Living with an alcoholic / untreated 'white-knuckling' sober alcoholic is a nightmare, being one is a nightmare.

Living with a violent person who punches you is living in a violent situation.

Please find your nearest local AA meetings, in person, on zoom, you can speak to their helpline.

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/contact

There are also other alcohol recovery projects such as SMART recovery and your local council will have lots of guidance and advice for alcohol recovery projects and support groups in your community.

As for the violence, then there are also people who can work with you - your local council will have details and your local mental health team. I would suggest that since you're battling alcoholism and you have mental health problems, you ring the crisis team and ask them.

You did not deserve to be hit, under no circumstances should he hit you regardless if the circumstances.

I suggest you get your self to place of safety because once they start hitting a woman once, they do it again and again. Its why laws have been tightened because too many women end up dead.

So you have a few choices. Repert him to the police, leave him or both.

Yes, seriously? Why have you taken issue with this?

Because all of that information is there in the relatively small OP that you couldn't be bothered to read.

OP you did not ‘deserve’ to be hit. No one has the right to hurt another person. I grew up with a mother who was an alcoholic and there was a lot of violence between both my parents. Unfortunately It still affects me now- MH diagnosis, anxiety etc.

You are an alcoholic. That’s not going to change. But you can change your story. You child deserves so much more than this. You may kid yourself into thinking they don’t know, but they will
do. They’ll know that feeling of unease, that change in atmosphere, the tensions raising.

Seek help now and change the outcome of your child’s future.

If I were you op I'd contact social services for support with this. It will look far better should you ever have to go through a custody case If you can shown you are seeking help, being open and trying to better yourself for your child. I think you're at risk here of spiralling and then if you want to split he can manipulate the situation to make it look like you're mentally unstable (trust me, I've been there with this).

You need to report the physical abuse to the police so it's on record and keep note of any last and future incidents.

Reach out to your GP for help with the alcohol, reach out to SS.

Not one answer to those questions is in the op. What on earth are you talking about?

No. Being hit is not a therapy for alcohol addiction that I'm aware of. Whilst some forms of battery may be acceptable to an alcoholic (e.g. grabbing them and pulling them away from danger they are about to get themselves into), hitting is definitely not one of them.

People saying call the police are therefore probably right although I suspect you are worried about how this would play out for you if social services got involved? You need help but I would start with Women's Aid rather than the police first.

Sorry, yes this is a more measured way of putting it.

I’ve met a lot of fellow travellers of the awful cycle of abuse, MH, alcohol and drug abuse. BPD gets over diagnosed in women of this cohort and in my experience it’s much more nuanced. And there’s a difference between self medicating with booze and being physically dependent on it (obvs there can be an overlap).

Unresolved trauma and PTSD can present itself in many different ways and could potentially lead to a misdiagnosis, I hope this is all the previous poster intended to say

Some people dispute the idea of Borderline Personality Disorder at all. It is arguably problematic that people's response to trauma is labelled a 'personality disorder' aka a fault with them.

I can see that there could be an advantage in listing BPD symptoms as just part of PTSD or other trauma diagnoses, rather than saying there's something wrong with the victim themselves. It'd end up really long winded then though, and without as clear a potential treatment pathway.

Some professionals are pretty nasty/dismissive towards people they give this diagnosis- sometimes not even suggesting treatments.

'Borderline Personality Disorder' is not like other personality disorders in that there are more effective treatments, the person can often stop meeting the criteria for the disorder after therapy.

But in the hands of a decent professional, all the label means is that they have a treatment protocol going forward, rather than it saying anything about the person.

Oh FGS 🤦‍♀️

I’m so confused why you’re attacking me. Genuinely,

she said she slipped yesterday, thus doesn’t mean she is sober now or stopped drinking again.

she has not said if she drunk alone with her child, just the event of her husband assaulting her, he could have come home and found her.

I have no idea at all why you’re on the attack for me asking basic questions.

I definitely had more traits of Borderline when I was with a somewhat abusive man (not half as bad as OP's husband.) I was convinced I was really unhinged. Once I stopped being in touch with him, I was a lot better and realised I genuinely don't have it usually, 'just' traits.

Which isn't to say people shouldn't try all possible treatment approaches to MH/substance abuse issues they have.

But you might find you're a lot better once you split with him and have some time to heal OP.

I have severe MH issues and have mixed with people who have BPD, I have bi polar and CPTSD, CPTSD has many traits that align with BPD.

People commenting feel sorry for you and I’m sorry you were hit but you are abusive yourself because you are an alcoholic. Anyone with severe MH issues will never be as well as they can if they drink or take illegal drugs.

Regardless of the label if the op does not get assistance and clean herself up
there is a real risk her child will be removed, it may be the reason she hasn’t had help. There is a real dishonesty about what is happening sometimes because of fear. I have done some awful things when ill and treated people very badly. Most people here will have had contact with others who have anxiety and depression, awful for people but it is really not the same. To get better you have to acknowledge your own role in how utterly dreadful you can be with a severe MH issue. That’s not about the hitting it’s about getting yourself better. My DH never hit me but he should have left me as I took that man to the depths of hell when untreated.

Again he should not have hit you and you should separate, regardless you can never ever drink again not even a glass of champagne at a wedding because it will affect your behaviour. I had social social services and a MH team involved and they basically saved me. I didn’t have an issue with alcohol in that I drunk too much but I have an issue in that just one drink can trigger an episode of mania.

This

Hitting never stops alcoholics or addicts.
Leave this man and get proper treatment.

@Behemouth I also have bipolar and agree with you to an extent. I definitely have to forgive myself/apologise and get back on the wagon of getting well at times. But we don't know the extent of OP's behaviour and whether it's that bad. We do know her husband is abusive.

Is your son watching all of this behaviour? Can he be placed somewhere he doesn't have to endure his parent's substance abuse and violence while you recover?

I'm in recovery from alcohol addiction too. Well done for your sober streaks, this shit is not easy.
I've used rehab, AA, SMART, local alcohol services and therapy in my recovery. You know what none of the numerous counsellors, therapists and peers in the programs have ever done? Assault me in any way. Even when I have, quite frankly, behaved like a complete and total prick.
My partner gets angry and frustrated with me but again, never lifted a finger to me.
You never deserve to be hit. Try to believe it (I know how the mind talks to you to convince you you do but keep trying). Keep working on sobriety and your MH, This internet stranger wishes you the best.