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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He hit me but said I deserved it

139 replies

alco · 31/10/2023 10:05

Firstly I am an alcoholic. I have been mostly sober for 4 years. I had nearly 6 months this time but I slipped yesterday. I was never a violent drunk, I have seen found out I have a MH issue which I was using alcohol to cover.

DH was really really annoyed about it and hit me. I told him never raise a hand to me again but he said I needed it. He also got into a huge 'anger' himself and went to leave with our son but then handed me our son and stormed off

Did I need to be hit?

OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 31/10/2023 13:28

OP you've really been through it, what you say about DM and stepdad sounds awful. I'm sorry that happened to you and wish you healing.

I lived with an alcoholic, it was awful. I never hit him. Don't let your partner use your issues as an excuse.

I'd advise logging it with police in case of future custody issues. Wishing you strength.

Arbutusflower · 31/10/2023 13:32

RoomOfRequirement · 31/10/2023 10:32

Pedantic over the terminology, really?

Show quote history

Arsey, really? She's not wrong, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Even a dry one.

Lateatnight78 · 31/10/2023 13:38

You do not deserve to be abused in this way. You are worth more than that! You do need to leave him and sort yourself out for the sake of your child. He has to be your priority, whatever happens.

glitterfinder · 31/10/2023 13:45

No one deserves to be hit. That's abuse.
Living with an alcoholic (I have done it) is very tough. It sounds like you need to separate for both of your sakes.

FlyingPotato · 31/10/2023 13:53

My mother was an alcoholic. My step-father was violent and would assault my mother when she was drunk. She didn’t leave because she felt she deserved it and kept drinking.
My mother died when I was 18.

You might not feel you deserve better but your child does. FGS do whatever you can to not subject your child to this. Break the cycle.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 31/10/2023 22:51

GinAndJuice99 · 31/10/2023 10:49

I don't know why people are talking about your drinking as if it's a consideration in all this. It's irrelevant and it's also bordering on victim blaming. The bottom line is that he assaulted you. Call the police.

In any case it sounds like you were doing well going almost six months sober. You having a drink is in no way equivalent harm to a child's welfare to having a violent bully in the home. Call the police, end this situation as soon as you can. You will probably find that you feel far less need to drink when you're free.

100% this!

Original poster
alco · 01/11/2023 10:15

Thank you all for your replies

The GP did actually say she thinks I have PTSD but I'm not sure. I thought that was from 1 scary event.

BPD makes a lot of sense to me. Altho I have managed to over come a lot of it.

DH was very sorry last night.

I mean that I am known to the police because I attempted suicide last year, my mum phoned me, I told her what I did and she called the police they came and helped me. I feel very bad about that because I know they are stretched

OP posts:
ArthurbellaScott · 01/11/2023 10:27

OP it sounds to me that you really need help. Who is supporting you now?

MarthaFokker · 01/11/2023 11:52

alco · 01/11/2023 10:15

Thank you all for your replies

The GP did actually say she thinks I have PTSD but I'm not sure. I thought that was from 1 scary event.

BPD makes a lot of sense to me. Altho I have managed to over come a lot of it.

DH was very sorry last night.

I mean that I am known to the police because I attempted suicide last year, my mum phoned me, I told her what I did and she called the police they came and helped me. I feel very bad about that because I know they are stretched

So you'll be known to Social Services too.

Please reach out to them for help in leaving your abusive marriage. They can put you in touch with other agencies who really can help.

Conkersinautumn · 01/11/2023 11:54

Noone needs to be hit. It sounds ike you're both in a toxic nightmare noone needs an addict in their lives. You need to take action on both fronts.

Nemareus · 01/11/2023 11:55

There are lots of ways of dealing with anger that don’t involve hitting. Why did you slip, if you don’t mine me asking?

JFT · 02/11/2023 00:18

alco · 01/11/2023 10:15

Thank you all for your replies

The GP did actually say she thinks I have PTSD but I'm not sure. I thought that was from 1 scary event.

BPD makes a lot of sense to me. Altho I have managed to over come a lot of it.

DH was very sorry last night.

I mean that I am known to the police because I attempted suicide last year, my mum phoned me, I told her what I did and she called the police they came and helped me. I feel very bad about that because I know they are stretched

Don't feel bad about being known to the police for your suicide attempt. It is proof that you're vulnerable and need some extra support / intervention.

Are you in contact with anyone from your local mental health team or crisis team or alcohol recovery service?

I don't know what your living situation is but if you really wanted to address your alcoholism you could demand to be referred to a treatment centre, somewhere your child (if they're young) could come? Also you could ask to be informed of refuges for women and children fleeing violence?

It's time to start thinking about making big changes. You deserve a healthy happy alcohol free life and to be free of criminal violence inside your home - but getting to a point of safety and freedom, however, it's achieved, you're going to need support workers and help.

myopinionmatters · 02/11/2023 01:52

He should have just left not hit you

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