He hit me but said I deserved it

[alco]

Firstly I am an alcoholic. I have been mostly sober for 4 years. I had nearly 6 months this time but I slipped yesterday. I was never a violent drunk, I have seen found out I have a MH issue which I was using alcohol to cover.

DH was really really annoyed about it and hit me. I told him never raise a hand to me again but he said I needed it. He also got into a huge 'anger' himself and went to leave with our son but then handed me our son and stormed off

Did I need to be hit?

OP, my parents would have told you that they were never violent.

Even when they were looking irrefutable evidence of their violence in the eye.

Violence from any party is unacceptable. Your child needs a good homelife. This is not what a good homelife looks like.

'D'H sounds controlling and you sound like because of being an alcoholic you genuinely believe that you don't deserve anything better.

He does not get to tell you that you can't go back to the hospital. He'll miss you translates to he'll have to do things round the house and look after DS and he doesn't want to.

OP you need to work on your self respect and stop believing that you're a bad personally who deserves to be hit. Stop being grateful that he's still with you and see him for what he is. I bet this isn't the only issue he's controlling if you think about it. You might have a lot of stress in your life, some of which you can't do anything about, but you can reduce it by getting rid of him.

You say your husband is 'a lovely guy'.

This man has violently assaulted you, threatened you and STOPPED YOU FROM GETTING THE MENTAL HEALTH CARE YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU WERE SUICIDAL. He is not a lovely guy. He is an abusive cunt. Wake up, for fuck's sake. Stop being a martyr. He's harming you.

But I would never get to see DS if I leave. I am a known alcoholic. It's known I have MH issues

Nothing would make him hitting you OK @alco .

Of course there's more help available to you- and of course you should permanently separate from this abusive man.

There are plenty of alcoholics with MH issues raising their own children.

Please report him. He really does “deserve” to be interviewed and charged.

OP I’m asking you to think of your son in this. Not you, not your partner, but your child. I don’t know old he is but this is an incredibly toxic situation for him to be living in. No matter what his age you mustn’t be naive to the fact that this will be deeply affecting him. His mother is an alcoholic and his father hits his mother. Is this the reality you want for him? You have the power to change both of these circumstances but it will only happen if you move your focus away from yourself and your abusive partner and on to him. Getting help for yourself and parting ways with his dad is the main way you can do this. Anything less than this and you are condemning him (and yourself) to a life of misery.

But I would never get to see DS if I leave. I am a known alcoholic. It's known I have MH issues

They don't stop someone seeing their kids unless there's concrete evidence of abuse/neglect. Get in treatment for your alcoholism and mental health, then you have evidence you're getting help, which you can show to any court.

So he also stops you seeking help OP please report this it is not ok it sounds as if he is quite controlling

Op, of course you should not be hit but really, why do you even feel the need to be ask this question? As a parent, i hope you’d know the answer so you can teach these morals to your child.

I’m quite concerned for the welfare of your son tbh with one alcoholic parent and one violent parent. Is he safe? Please seek help and support immediately.

Get some advice about this. It’s possibly not true.
You have never ever deserved to be hit, btw.

Are there? DH 'comes from money' my mum doesn't own her home. I would be taking DS into instability I have no where to go.. The police would 100% give ds to dh.

I am trying my best to stay on track, I can tell you one thing no one wants to be an alcoholic it really isn't fun. I feel down, worthless, useless, hated no good,

Those saying about living with an alco. So mum was but thankfully has changed now. I get it, it's hard to live with. She used to hit me, she threw me down the stairs, screamed in my face that I was worthless, her fav thing to say was that if I didn't exist she would have her 'real' family.

step dad who I bent over backward to please was on reflection so weird. he used to put porn on for us to watch (age appox 11) started taking me to the pub aged 15. Locked me out of the house for disrespecting him. I lived alone with him for 6 months. It was not fun. He never had sex with me but he tried

They wouldn’t give him to your husband. He is violent. You need to report his violence so it’s on record.
Try and get some legal and Women’s Aid advice before you make any decisions.

There is never a reason to hit another person. You should look after yourself better and not drink. Did you think how this is affecting your son? It must be very volatile living with an alcoholic.

I am trying my best to stay on track, I can tell you one thing no one wants to be an alcoholic it really isn't fun. I feel down, worthless, useless, hated no good,

I don't imagine it's much fun for your child living with an alcoholic and a woman beater.

This ^^ is what you need to focus on instead of making wild assumptions.

Can you get any advice through AA or Women's Aid?

You need to separate and address your alcoholism. Your marriage is over. I feel sorry for your son.

I wouldn’t hit anyone, let alone anyone I am supposedly in love with.

Would you hit your son because he was doing something you didn’t like?

Of course it’s not ok to hit anyone but I would use this as a wake up call.

You obviously have a lot of issues and you need to put yourself first and get better.

You cannot be the best mum you can be when you are an alcoholic, have MH issues and are physically attacked by your DH.

DH is not good for you.
You are probably not good for your DH either.
Your son is the one that suffers the most though.

You need to see your GP and talk to them about getting more help.

You may decide that you need to move out and focus on yourself for a while and get better - that’s ok.

But the main thing is that the relationship needs to end and you need to reach out for help to get better, for your son’s sake.

Oh, I just want to give you a massive hug. You are not worthless. You do not EVER deserve to be hit. I’m worried if he’s done it once and you stay and act normal, that this could escalate. It worries me that you’ve had an upbringing of being abused and that it seems you find this is somewhat normal or justified or that you asked for this, as this is what you’ve always known.

You did not ask for it, you certainly do not deserve it. I have BPD and we are known for self-sabotaging behaviours and also having abandonment issues. I’m worried that you’ll stay with him due to these things and continue with giving into the addiction. I urge you to speak to Women’s Aid, they are so helpful! They send you links of who to speak to and where to access support. Also phone your GP- perhaps a certain medication will help stabilise the BPD, or they can point you in the direction of support for alcoholism. Online there are DBT videos and I’ve bought two DBT workbooks from Amazon (DBT is meant to be best for us with BPD).

I think getting help from Women’s Aid to get away from him and also getting help from the GP to access support for the alcoholism and perhaps medication for the BPD could help you. Women’s Aid help with emergency accommodation and housing later on. So you’ll have a stable home for your DC and any court would also see your MH issues are managed and medicated and that you’ve sought help for alcoholism.

I’d also urge to report him to the police. This is assault and it is a crime. It would send a strong message to him that this is not acceptable and that you don’t deserve this at all. It would also help in future with regards to DC if he tried to get full custody, as there’d be a police report detailing his physical abuse. I would personally get my children out of the house like a shot if my husband ever hit me. How do you know that he will not ever hit your DC? He clearly has anger issues and worse still, actually thinks he’s justified in physically assaulting you. I wouldn’t have him anywhere near a child.

What is the housing situation?

Is it rented or owned?
Whose name is on it?

He is the one who hit you, so unless it’s his house he needs to move out.

Take a photo of any marks he left and consider ringing the police.

If you don’t want the police involved then you could say that you’ll call them if he doesn’t leave.

Btw, I am not sure I believe you. One of the issues about alcoholism is the lies and "poor me" that come out.

Maybe your husband is a bastard, but I would bet good money you've said similar to him and others over the years.

Get some treatment and self respect. Then you can be a great parent. Your posts are full of I can't. That's quite convenient for someone who is an addict. I expect this isn't one day of relapse either.

Nobody deserves to be hit.

No child deserves to live with an alcoholic parent.

No child deserves to live under the same roof as an unhealthy, unhappy and toxic dynamic.

No child deserves to have suffered the abuse you did in the past.

All these things can be true at once.

Your relationship is not working. The behaviour of you both is not to your son's benefit.

You need to work on yourself, give yourself the chance to heal from / process what sounds like terrible childhood trauma, in order to be the best parent you can be.

@alco PP's make a good point to report him so you have evidence of his violence in any custody disagreement.

I have BPD traits and DBT did nothing for me. I had good results from EMDR to address the trauma causing the symptoms. But DBT does help some people. So, there's two new things you can try for a start. Both of these therapies are available on the NHS if you can't afford private treatment (but that'd be worth prioritising if you can.)

You seem to have decided that you deserved to be hit, despite what pps have said.

You need to plan how you can protect your son from witnessing domestic violence again.

Nobody deserves to be hit by anyone. There are no excuses for it.

Your son deserves more than being raised by a violent father and an alcoholic mother. I hope there’s someone close to him who can help him.