I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Your DH seems gloaty, frankly.

As you have separate finances and don't want to change things , when he shows you pictures of his proposed holiday your reply should be
" That's nice dear!"
He seems to ignore the fact he is wealthy and won't share with you, which is selfish imo

So he's changed his mind months after your discussion with him, won't listen when you say you no longer have your holiday funds but also doesn't offer to treat you to the cost of the holiday? He sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat to be honest op. Tell him you can't go and to stop harping on about it.

It doesn't matter what you spent the money on. It does matter that your financial setup isn't working and, if I understand correctly, your husband wants to share his life with you but not his money, of which he has more than you.

Me neither. I don't understand not having your own money to spend as you want to, once bills and regular outgoings are paid.

I just bought a coat that was £300, unusual for me, but I don't want to be in a position where someone is able to vote down, veto or question my clothing choices or how many coffees and sausage rolls I buy or what was that thing I bought from XYZ when it's actually DH's Christmas present. That said, we would always prioritise going on holiday together.

@OverratedHoliday Just tell him to shut up and stop going on about it, you can’t afford to go and unless he is paying your half to not mention it again.
You need to be direct as he’s not taking what you said on board.

Why doesn't he just treat you to the holiday then?

The whole way of running your finances just sounds depressing.

@OverratedHoliday - I'm very sorry you are getting some flak on here - and I'm sorry your DH is still trying to persuade you to go on holiday with him, even although you told him beforehand that you were intending on spending money on something that would mean you couldn't go on holiday this year - and he said that was fine.

I don't think you can do anything else, except to refuse to look at the holidays on his phone, tell him that you can't afford it. Rinse and repeat

If he keeps on about it, tell him that if he wants to pay for you both, he'll have to pay it since you already told him a while back you wouldn't be able to afford it if you went ahead with your other spend and he was ok with it at that point

Best of Luck

@OverratedHoliday Ultimately this is your husband’s problem not yours. If he wants to waste his time looking at holidays you can’t afford this year let him crack on. Just keep repeating You can’t afford it
You are not bothered about a holiday so it’s not an issue for you
let your DH come up with a solution which is within your budget or if he is that desperate he finances
No guilt necessary you told him the situation before you spent your budget and he’s already had holidays with friends this year

Her question has nothing to do with her finances. Her question is whether her DH is reasonable in being upset that she spend a large amount of money on something other than a holiday, despite agreeing to it. It's not that difficult to understand.

This is how I feel too. I’d be miserable if I had to justify every single purchase to my husband, it’s my money so minus joint expenses such as mortgage, nursery fees etc I get to spend it on whatever I like.

You had every right to spend your money on the other thing in preference to a holiday if that was your choice. You don't have to spend your money in the way your husband wants you to.
If he wants a holiday he will have to go without you or pay for you to join him. Next time he gets the brochures out, ask him which of these he intends, as there is no third option.
.

It's only human nature sure, we can all be a bit nosey at times 😅. As to your H, as PP have said, put your foot down and reiterate that you can't go on holiday. You previously cleared this with him so won't be changing your mind. And you're right not to get into debt to keep him happy. I'd be pretty unimpressed in your situation tbh.

It's not a problem that you don't pool finances. It is a problem if your husband expects you to take on debt rather than either a) accept your prior agreement that you would not be able to holiday together as you had chosen to spend your money on something else, or b) fund the holiday himself, assuming he can afford it (which you have pointed out he could).

I can see why he might take issue with you prioritising something else at the expense of your shared holiday time together, particularly if it is an established thing that you do together. However, the time to have sorted that out was when you first discussed it, not after the event.

I think you are looking at years of him going out for Michelin star meals and luxury holidays with his family money while you sit at home.
I suppose some posters will see that as another unhelpful response but what do you want people to say? If that kind of marriage suits you, crack on.

Legally, but not in day to day practice. And you have no idea what their day to day practice is, other than this tiny snapshot concerning one holiday. How they choose to handle their money is irrelevant.

Send him an email now which summarises your previous agreement. Then when he bring it up, say ‘I refer you to my email
of 30th October’. Over and over again till he gets bored.

Thanks everyone, there's a distinctive small percentage who just don't get separate finances and that's fine.

I haven't meant to be annoying or drip feed. Just asking for opinions on DH's obvious U turn on something he'd previously agreed with.

I'm very independent and won't give in to his gentle persuasion (I couldn't even if I wanted to). I won't get into debt for a holiday.

But thanks everyone for your advice and perspective on this. I'd better get back to work or I'll not be able to pay my 50% of the bills ;-)

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP 😂

Lets say it’s a horse. 🐎

Anyway, tell him to stop showing you holidays you cannot afford, as it’s rather unkind.

Not sure why you don't just ask him why he's showing you holidays when you've already spunked your money

@OverratedHoliday

What does he say when you say you can’t afford a holiday?

Because no you aren’t BU by not being able to afford a holiday because you made this clear upfront and he was on board.

He’s talking about a holiday together. You’ve told him you can’t afford it but you haven’t totally shut down the idea because you’re hoping he’ll offer to pay for you too but you don’t want to ask outright. He’s not offering to pay and isn’t telling you why he’s not offering.

I would say that you need to be a bit more open with each other. Doesn’t sound like a very healthy marriage to me.

Its likely a big factor as to why your husband wants you to come.

Again - why is he not offering to treat you if he can afford it and going on holiday means that much to him? Surely that's the logical solution?

Utter bollocks, what on earth gave you that idea? 😂 The literal point of marriage in the UK is it gives the spouses rights over each others assets

@YaWeeFurryBastard gotta love the certainty of idiots 😂

You’re absolutely wrong, spouses have no rights over each others assets. A married person in England and Wales can spend their money however they please, bequeath it however they please and invest it however they please.

There is no contractual relationship, either religious or legal that gives anyone rights over the assets of their spouse.