I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Ultimately you're at an impasse aren't you?
What does he expect you to do? Pick some money off the money tree? Or, as you say, perhaps he wants you to get into debt. Very, very fair and reasonable of you not to want to do that!

The conversation ultimately doesn't make a huge amount of logical sense. He knows you don't have the money but he keeps showing you pics etc.

Given it doesn't make sense, I would step back and think about what's really being "said" here - what the "emotional content" of the conversation is, not the facts on the surface. And then try to talk about that.

Is he upset that you prioritised something else over a holiday - yes he agreed to it, but now he's actually experiencing it, he's feeling something. Perhaps he's feeling resentful that you prioritised something else over time together, which can easily turn into "you don't value our couple enough". I wonder if that's what he's feeling deep down. I don't think it's fair, but it would mean responding with things like, Time together matters to me, and I understand how much holidays matter to you, but ultimately I only have so much money and in this instance I had to prioritise X. And then, if my hunch is right, maybe you could find other ways to enjoy special time together that meet the same emotional need but that aren't a holiday.

I might not have the emotional content quite right - only you can really suss that out as you're there and you know him, but I'd recommend that approach at least, whatever underlying dynamic you identify.

I respect you not wanting to share what it is you spent the money on, but I think that might also give you a clue as to what the emotional content really is. If you spent it on something you did with friends, does he harbour a resentment that you focus too much on your friends and feels neglected vs that? If you spent it on a pet, similarly. I am not saying any of these concerns would be right or justified, to be clear. But I think it would help you to get to the bottom of what is really going on, since what is going on cannot be that your DH thinks you can magic money out of thin air if he shows you enough photos of holidays.

Separate finances but you asked his permission to spend your money?

This isn't my idea of a marriage, the set up sounds a bit odd.

So tell him to STOP!

You know I don't have the money.

You know why.

If you want to go, I'm happy for you to.
Please stop going on about it because it's making m feel really awkward.

Ask him what he suggests you do? What alternative is there? I think you have demonstrated that there really isn’t an alternative,
What is nice is that he really wants you to go on holiday with him. So many posters here complain that their DHs aren’t bothered, just wanttodotheirown thing with mates etc. Long may you enjoy each other’s company.

Marriage is literally a contract that joins money and assets.

You can divvy it all up 50:50 within yourselves if you like but legally it's all one pot. Why did you marry if you didn't want to pool finances? Pooling finances is literally what marriage is.

What a weird thread, what do you expect anyone to do or say that will bring about a resolution to this non issue? Stop being so rude and angry towards people who are posting.

You don't need to share what you spent the money on, that's not relevant. What's relevant is you told him you would be spending your holidays fund and he didn't object then. If he continues to show you holidays tell him you can't afford it so if he wants to pay for you fine if not he can go with his friends or alone.

Having said that I also agree with others that the way you divide and manage your finances is strange and not a true partnership. Im this situation a loving and caring partner would first prioritize holidays with his spouse than his friends (based on your statement that he has gone on multiple holidays with his friends and you were only planning one together) and a caring husband would think nothing of paying for his wife to go on holiday together. I do agree with you that you should not go into debt for this either through credit cards or even him paying and then you owe him back.

Oh my god, this 100%. Why of why do we have to keep hearing this same old garbage. Get your nose out of other people's finances – you are't required to understand anything and it is none of your business. The post isn't about pooling finances, it's about the OP not being able to afford going on holiday and her DH being upset by it.

Why would you be pissed if said partner told you months ago and you were onboard. If you did not agree you would tell you partner when he or she brought it up not go along with it and then mo the later start banging on about holiday when you know he or she has spent the funds which you were aware of and agreed to.

The amount of times you’ve mentioned how well off he is….you think he should pay for you don’t you.
The separate finances thing is ridiculous btw, you are married, you’re a team now. It would certainly solve issues like you find yourself in.

Unless you’re a teacher, you could go on holiday in term time. that way there won’t be many kids there. Before I had kids, I very rarely saw children on the holidays I went on. And they weren’t adult only places. If you think you could afford a cheap holiday or if he is willing to contribute towards the cost, l wouldn’t let the it’s not adult only put you off.

This. Or just look at him and walk away without answering. Unless he's had a brain injury that damaged his short term memory, he's deliberately being a dick, surely?

We've been together 15 years, married 11...and only set up a joint account this year. It's for bills and joint things - though not holidays.

So I'm not finding the separate finances weird.

With holidays we kind of put in proportionate to what we earn...if I said I'd spent the holiday budget he'd cover it and vice versa. So that I find a bit weird. I suppose our set up is a bit more financially fluid while being mostly separate.

Anyway if he really wanted to go and I'd run out of dosh, he'd pay.

In that case why ask on here? She can't go. Let her DH put up with it or pay for it.
My DH earns more than he.me so he could afford 10 holidays a year if we had separate finances. Doesn't strike me as fair.
If you don't want people poking their noses into your finances, don't post on here! Surely.

Not that long or boring, bit disappointed, was expecting an epic! @TheOwlChronicles is right, not clear what advice you want really.

People who have their own personal money tree via family wealth often seem to think that money will just materialise somehow. Ask him how he thinks you would pay for it, and what the magic solution is where you find £1,500 out of nowhere.

@Orange67 I didn't ask him for permission to spend my money. I asked him if he was OK with me not having the budget for a holiday as I'd spent it on something else.

@Changeling78 I have mentioned twice that he has other funds in response to posters questions. I don't mind not having a holiday so no I don't want him to buy one for me.

@SiousieSoo I don't think I am being rude.

@laclochette thank you for understanding the situation and for your very wise advice.

What an odd thread. The fact the OP doesn't want to reveal what she spent the money on is baffling.

It isn't difficult, You gave him the option to object at the point when a choice was still available. He gave the go-ahead with his approval and now wants to retract that because it doesn't suit him today.
he's moving the goal posts you aren't, and the money isn't there which is to be expected as the decision to spend it and what on is in the past.
If he wants to see a joint holiday happen despite approving your ability to finance that to be diverted elsewhere (and where is irrelavant as that is not the principle and he knew it himself), then he can either provide the funds or if unwilling, accept he regrets the decision (but not enough to refinance an alternative) and make a mental note to think more carefully next time he is consulted.
It was courteous of you to consult him on the choice because it affects him though it is your money to spend, so you have already done all that could and should be expected of you to make a mutually acceptable decision.
He is being a spoilt child by wanting you to have more money than you do because he doesn't like it when your budget constraints cramp his style.

When did she say he should pay for her???

And frankly I actually expect him to pay for her if he insists on going with her. She made it clear she would be spending her holiday fund and he agreed so to now change his mind after multiple holidays with his friend and insist she goes with him, yes he should pay it go with his friends or by himself.

What's more baffling is why it really matters what I spent the money on. It's the principle that's being discussed not the 'thing'!

Really helpful response 🙄

Is it required to be your idea of marriage? What does this have to do with anything?

So he can pay for you then 🤷🏻‍♀️ are you not his favourite/team mate/lifelong partner?? I’d take that as a slap in the face honestly. How miserly!

It's not an odd thread.
What she;s spent it on is hardly the point. The DH knew what it was for when he gave it the thumbs up. She is merely sense checking whether his U-turn is reasonable - no it isn't.
He was consulted and made his response with ALL the information needed at the time, now he's sad it spoils his fun. He'll just have to stop expecting his wife to keep up with with the lifestyle he wants and can afford when she has - with his approval - prioritised something else to use her limited funds on.