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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent my holiday fund

772 replies

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:52

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP posts:
Snowflakeslayer · 31/10/2023 19:42

It isn’t working, they can’t even talk about it, and it’s not even massive, it’s one persons one holiday cost.
You’re detracting from the post, start your own post if you want dialogue and conversation, I don’t, I’m not replying to you any more. Get your own post!!

DoodleDoo37 · 31/10/2023 19:46

Wow - you're husband won't pay this just once to take you on holiday - what a gem you have there. My husband and I also have separate finances - but that's for our own investments or spending money etc we pool funds for household bills and education and certainly holidays! I seriously could not be married to a man who would not pay for me to go on holiday with him! Do you split the bill in reataurants also?

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 19:49

Snowflakeslayer · 31/10/2023 19:42

It isn’t working, they can’t even talk about it, and it’s not even massive, it’s one persons one holiday cost.
You’re detracting from the post, start your own post if you want dialogue and conversation, I don’t, I’m not replying to you any more. Get your own post!!

Who though?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 19:55

Snowflakeslayer · 31/10/2023 19:42

It isn’t working, they can’t even talk about it, and it’s not even massive, it’s one persons one holiday cost.
You’re detracting from the post, start your own post if you want dialogue and conversation, I don’t, I’m not replying to you any more. Get your own post!!

I can respond to whoever I like, thanks.

Exactly, it is a minor issue. It's also perfectly possible to experience minor issues when a couple share finances too.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 19:55

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 19:49

Who though?

Show quote history

Me. 😂

Anele22 · 31/10/2023 19:59

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:23

@TheOwlChronicles enough of an issue for you to write a long boring post in response though??

Pot - kettle!

Anele22 · 31/10/2023 20:00

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:30

I don't know if you're mixing it up with another thread, but I have not pleaded poverty at any point.

You clearly don't think its that boring if you're repeatedly replying. Why would I make this up? Don't bother to reply I'll be ignoring you and to answer your question, I don't want YOU to say anything. Yawn.

Show quote history

Goodness - how rude you are

LaDamaDeElche · 31/10/2023 20:09

Mrsgreen100 · 31/10/2023 19:26

Well done you , keeping your money separate is a great thing
if he wants you to go he could
A lend it to you
B go on his own
C make a plan for next year together
never never have a joint account
married or not
I speak from experience

D. Pay for it

Newmum110 · 31/10/2023 20:12

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:53

I think my marriage certificate says otherwise.

Show quote history

@Feraldogmum this is absolutely going to blow your mind but I am married with children & we keep our finances separate. It doesn't make it any less of a marriage.........

Jacesmum1977 · 31/10/2023 20:13

I get it OP.
I don’t see why people can’t get their head around that you guys use your own money instead of having a joint account 🤷🏻‍♀️
Maybe he doesn’t care you spent your holiday funds and is happy to pay for you to go in a holiday with him next year; making sure you do both go on one together.

Your ‘mystery purchase’ is cracking me up.
Why do people have to know this information lol nosey fuckers pmsl

Personally mate, I wouldn’t worry about anything. You discussed that you wanted to use your holiday funds for something else, now you’ve spent it.
Hubster is still looking at holidays for you both. Discuss it again with him when it comes to booking it.
Enjoy your mystery spend lol

angelfacecuti75 · 31/10/2023 20:24

The issue is here that there is no clear communication.
You haven't directly asked him /said 'so are you gonna pay for me then?/ you keep asking /hinting like i am gonna go , but i can't and i keep telling you this
...."

Pallisers · 31/10/2023 20:46

I don't get the angst about the separate money thing. Especially since they earn the same and have no children. i know plenty of people who did this in similar situations. We didn't - ended up with me having to give up a job to move countries - opened joint bank accounts then - and then when I worked again I earned more but at that point it was pretty much one pot and we were used to it.

What baffles me a bit is the emotional stuff. I'd feel like treating my best friend to a holiday if I had the money, so for my husband - even way back in the day when we were just married and childless, I can't imagine not saying "yeah I know you spent the money on mystery thing, but come on, I'd love us to go off together so let me pay - it will be a nice thing for me as much as you". And I can't imagine my spouse being so insecure in our relationship as to say "no I will not go on this holiday if you pay for it as I will never be dependent on a man"

So basically the separate finances aside the relationship doesn't seem very deep or intimate that this is a big thing.

pphammer · 31/10/2023 20:51

Now, you let him go on holidays and you start at home. Remember you used your money for something else.

OR ARE YOU EXPECTING HIM TO PAY YOUR HOLIDAYS? 😂😂😂

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 20:59

He is exactly the type to suggest going out for coffee and will insist on paying for his coffee only as yours was 10p more than his, and anyway it’s split costs all the way!

Why the hell would anyone sign up for this? It would take up so much unnecessary head space that could be redeployed in other areas such as your career/studying/the bedroom/ parties and fun stuff. Whilst I think of it how do you manage Christmas, entertaining friends, family occasions, weddings etc???

It feels painful and tedious.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 21:10

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 20:59

He is exactly the type to suggest going out for coffee and will insist on paying for his coffee only as yours was 10p more than his, and anyway it’s split costs all the way!

Why the hell would anyone sign up for this? It would take up so much unnecessary head space that could be redeployed in other areas such as your career/studying/the bedroom/ parties and fun stuff. Whilst I think of it how do you manage Christmas, entertaining friends, family occasions, weddings etc???

It feels painful and tedious.

Edited

Birthdays, Christmas etc are super easy, we just simply use our personal accounts to buy presents for each other. As for family members, he buys for his family and I buy for my family and we'll just pop both of our names on, also easy.

Meals out, coffees etc we usually take it turns but there is no 'it's your turn' etc, one of us just pays and the other will next time.

It isn't even a little bit tedious and takes up no head space at all really. It isn't complicated at all.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 21:16

The joys of poverty! We are now equally poor!

Anderson2018 · 31/10/2023 21:29

If your saying it and he’s still looking I would imagine he’s planning on paying for the holiday, he’s maybe just looking at prices to see if he can afford it.

Switcher · 31/10/2023 21:33

One thing I wouldn't do is invite randoms to comment on your arrangements...

Densol57 · 31/10/2023 21:45

The reason loads want to know about the mystery purchase is so they can jump on you and pick apart your reason for buying it ! 🤣 - its an MN speciality that ! As you said its irrelevant.

Also my partner and I have separate finances and go 50/50 on holidays. I have a lot more holidays than him as I have more money and I am retired.

However if I really wanted him to come with me, Id probably pay towards it a bit, although Ive no idea if he would accept. Its not come up yet.

Id certainly not do what your DH is doing is batting on and on about it, unless I was willing to pay for it. Thats not fair. Just tell him to shut the fuck up about the damn holiday 😂

babyproblems · 31/10/2023 22:07

olderbutwiser · 30/10/2023 12:53

If separate finances is your choice then this is the kind of thing that's going to happen. 🤷‍♀️

This. You’re not really separate because actually as you can see with the holiday issue, your lives are together. And money is being spent by both of you on various things in your joint life. Just combine your money in future. It sounds like both the thing you wanted and his version of a holiday were too expensive- look at ways you can do both but for less. X

grumpycow1 · 31/10/2023 22:10

I’d be blunt. “You agreed to me spending my holiday budget on X. If you really want us both to go, you will need to pay, because as agreed with you beforehand, I have spent my holiday budget. If you don’t want to do that I am very happy for you to go somewhere on your own and we can go away next year”

Middleagedspreadisreal · 31/10/2023 22:17

Me neither

Fluff3 · 31/10/2023 22:48

EspressoMacchiato · 30/10/2023 12:53

Sorry OP I can never understand not pooling money as a married couple. It’s a bizarre concept for me.

Its a bizare concept to share finaces. None if my family or friends do. When will women learn that having their own seprate bank accounts is safer.

JJWT · 31/10/2023 22:48

What a fascinating thread! A study into the pros and cons of "discourse" on these types of platforms. People howlingly offended when they encounter someone who makes different choices to theirs!! I hope I may be permitted a "baffling" in relation to the assessment of Sir Starmer's attractiveness, though. I was with you all the way until that shocker, OP!!

Totaly · 31/10/2023 23:07

Wow OP you took a lot of stick for separate finances - I’ve been married 20 years and we’ve never had joint finances, he out earns me x5 roughly and I still don’t want joint finances! I pay for my own holidays, and my own bills .

In fact I’ve had more holidays than him this year and had a good time.

Roll on next year -

I would say though there are some cracking last minute deals at the moment - so hint round for a short week bargain!