I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

I feel incredibly secure in my marriage because I am married to a decent man that would do anything for us, and wouldn’t dream of mistreating me, and he would never see me go without. We have each other’s backs 100%. We are in this together, as a unit.

I think ops dh is verging on abusive behaviour. Refusing to take no for an answer, ignoring her explanations. Badgering and tormenting her with photos and expecting her to get into debt for his pleasure and treating her with indifference. I would be furious.

Badgering is a great word imo.

Me: Do you mind if I spend next years holiday money on Mystery Purchase? It will mean I can't afford to go on holiday in 2024, but we've had a holiday in 2023 and will again in 2025. It's a one-off purchase and I'd really like to have it. But if you feel strongly enough that you'd rather I didn't then I'll consider that.

"Split" finances but you ask for permission. Sounds great.

😂 I use it with my kids when they go on and on asking for something! 🦡

It doesn't matter if she wanted to buy a fucking unicorn. No means no. It's literally as simple as that.

Sounds more like a discussion to me. It was money that was earmarked for a holiday but then OP ran it by DH because she wanted to spend it on something else instead.

I'd do the same in OP's position.

Couples with seperate finances always amaze me. In my experience it often causes issues, some minor, some major, but it’s an issue that is avoidable.
Are you a couple or not?
You should share and enjoy everything, in this case he should pay for your holiday and enjoy it, together, while respecting your other commitment that he was aware of.

Why can’t you just talk about it? You are a couple, right?

I agree. Its bizarre. Why are you married? Do you split everything evenly? This seems like a not so serious boyfriend girlfriend relationship.

I understand separate finances, I understand going 50/50 if you earn the same, but what I don't understand in a committed relationship why one person who has the means to wouldn't pay for the other person who doesn't in this situation. As you said, it's a one off, you usually pay halves, but this year you wanted to spend it on something else, which you told him you were going to. Now he wants to go on holiday with you, but you've spent your budget, but he has more than enough money to cover you both, but for some reason the obvious solution, that he pays, isn't obvious. Splitting everything down the line the way you guys seem to is quite businesslike, rather than what one would expect in a romantic relationship. Perhaps you both need to reassess this and be a little more flexible. I find it quite cold and transactional tbh. Wanting you to get in debt on a credit card rather than just paying something he can afford is utterly bizarre and devoid of feeling.

That's batshit tbh. Of course you can talk about money, but there's no divine right for anyone to access someone elses finances. It's a mutual agreement. It's not a 'given'. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with separate finances, as long as both parties are in agreement.

The faux naivety on this thread (and the other one about shared/separate finances that’s been going for a few days) is actually becoming laughable

I am a team with my DP
I trust him and he trusts me
I feel secure and loved
He is not my flatmate but my partner in life
We have separate bank accounts and it’s never caused any issues

It is actually insulting to say people who choose to do something different to you has any less of a relationship

I feel even more secure in our set up after watching that documentary on ITV X about the bigamist con man who took loads of money from his (multiple) wives

But they are not. I’ve never known this work.

I dont understand why people can’t understand separate finances. It’s simple. Some people wish to retain their identity and independence on all levels but still be in a committed relationship.

Faux naivety is a nasty phrase. Sometimes people just don't know things.

Even when it’s already been explained multiple times on this thread?

I think it is the lack of flexibility that people don't understand. Some posters are so rigid that "what's mine is mine and what's his is his, and ne'er the twain should meet"

We have a joint account, but we also both have separate savings accounts.

What @LaDamaDeElche said.
my DH and I both have separate finances. Both earn the same but aside from paying mortgage together everything else has just over the years fallen under one partner. For instance I pay for shopping, council tax, life insurance and everything for our DD. He pays all other bills and pays when we go out.

when it comes to holidays it’s paid majority by me as I get a very decent bonus that we’ve always just spent on holidays. I’ve never looked at that as ‘my’ money as we are a family and even though our finances are separate the money is used for our family. I wouldn’t feel like a family if my DH didn’t want to go on holiday because I’ve paid for it! I also wouldn’t think twice about accepting money from DH if he said he would pay for something if I couldn’t.

I agree with another poster that having separate finances can cause problems and over the years for us it has but we always decide we still prefer it. What we do now is regularly look at what we are spending on and what we are saving.

whether you Share finances or have separate finances, ultimately you are a family and when needed should be able to rely on your other half. If you can’t get help financially from your DH who can you go to?

Yes it's not so much the separate accounts or whatever, that's just details, it's the weird rigidity and lack of generosity.

Someone offering to cover a holiday should be no big deal at all if they can afford to.

Do what suits you but I don’t think you are looking at the situation logically.
You state that you earn pretty much the same and pay 50/50 across the board. Leaving his parents money and this one off payment for your hobby out of the equation, how would pooling your money make you less independent?

Hasn't caused any issues for us. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Well done you , keeping your money separate is a great thing
if he wants you to go he could
A lend it to you
B go on his own
C make a plan for next year together
never never have a joint account
married or not
I speak from experience

Good for you, there’s always one as they say. It’s clearly not working here though is it, and that’s the point!

One minor issue = it isn't working at all? OP is overall happy with the setup which to me means it is working.

Plenty of couples who share finances have money issues, sometimes just minor hiccups. Does that mean sharing finances doesn't work either?

If this is how you work your money, then that’s up to you both but a discussion was had so it’s a pointless thread really. If your Husband wants to go away with you when he knows the score then he can pay. You’re both Married, it’s silly for this to even be a thing when the solution is pretty simple.

I'm well aware of what it means. I just think people who use it are dicks.