I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Was that a question?

That's sensible to you? Just wack it on a credit card because he demands a holiday despite having multiple holidays with his friends????

No the sensible solution will be for him to recognize that she doesn't have any holiday funds left and if he desperately wants her to go with him he should pay, it go with how friends or alone.

I would put it on a credit card rather than "wack" it on yes. Are you one of those people who go for a "cheeky" Nandos?

I find it a baffling that you are so resolute not to disclose the mystery spend.

@willbeskinnysoon

Why? Often a whole thread is diverted by an innocuous detail in the OP

Most people also like to remove identifying details from their posts when they're not strictly necesssary

She said No. She is debt averse. She is well within her rights there. They had discussed the situation previously. He needs to accept what they have previously agreed on, not think he can joke his way into changing her mind. Or, just pay for her if it's that important to him. But constant, low level nagging is yuck imo.

That would be a dumb thing to do and is just pandering to a partner who cannot make up his mind. The fact is she told him she wanted to spend the money on something else which would mean she would forgo a holiday this year and he agreed because he has already gone on multiple holidays with his friends.

So when he changes his mind and ignores her while reminds him she doesn't have any holiday funds, your wise solution is for her to cave and put it on a credit card. Are you that desperate for a man's attention and validation?

She should incur credit card debt for a holiday she doesn't want simply because he demands it.

And your excuse of boosting credit score is just stupid 😂

Despite a small amount of debt paid off regularly actually being positive, another option would be for OP to get a second job to top up her holiday fund. Alternatively could OP sell the life size inflatable Kier starmer if they are done with it now?

OMG how could say that, a good nice woman would rack up credit card debt to make her man happy, and she will also boost her credit scores as part of the deal, what's wrong with that?

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all.

As you have separate finances, how you spend your disposable income is your own business, assuming all the necessaries are paid.

Whether you got laser eye surgery, Botox, Invisalign, or climbed Ben Nevis with your disposal income, that's no less valid than your DH wanting to go on holiday.

To my mind, having separate incomes works well for you in general but could do with some flexibility. It seems too rigid at the moment - perhaps suggesting that you can both treat the other occasionally without it becoming transactional could help, especially as your DH has more disposable income than you.

On another note, I don't blame him for changing his mind about having a holiday. The weather has been so miserable lately that I would be scrabbling around to get away from these shores.

Stick to your principles OP and do what suits you best and feels right for you.

Enjoy your other activity.

It always makes me laugh how people demand to know the 'full story' which could obviously be a bit outing and anyway has nothing to do with your AIBU. Pure nosiness.

I don't find it baffling at all. It's irrelevant because OP's DH originally agreed to it.

If OP said what it was, the thread would just be filled with people giving their opinion on if it was a justified purchase. Of course, instead it is filled with people trying to tell OP what a 'real' marriage is.

I can't imagine ever going on even a weekend 'holiday' away without my DH, let alone longer, and he can't either. When we do go somewhere, like Toulouse a few weeks ago, we split everything 50-50. How can a couple be so distant from each other?

Stop the thread @OverratedHoliday ! @MajorBarbara has just come on to tell you how utterly in love they are and how they absolutely can't be apart from their partner even for a weekend. Who needs friends and family after all. Hope all your (unrelated) problems are now solved by this poster exclaiming how distant you are in your marriage because you're not like her.
Also as a side note, I also have a wonderful marriage like you do Barbara, but I also have lots of friends, family and experiences separate from DH. Co dependency and an insular life does make your marriage superior to everyone else's.

No it isn't!! None of my friends pool their money with their husbands and i wouldnt do it either. Ever.

What??? There's no victim here? Why do you consider yourself a victim? You're the perpetrator.

This 👆

Some people on MN seem to live like flatmates rather than married couples. Our finances are completely shared.

Trying to think of something constructive for you; could you look at some city breaks or even a weekend away in UK as a middle ground if he’s super set on going somewhere for a holiday?

Failing that book something for next year and just out a deposit down? I get how frustrating it is when people suddenly shift the ballpark and I don’t think if you clarified when you’d spent your fund that you’ve been unreasonable.

Failing that, stick a post it note to your head with “no holiday funds” and parade the house to get the message across? 😅

@RedPony1 do you or your friends have children? Are you all on similar salaries to your partners, do you all have equal disposable income between the couples?

If you divorce it is possible that your assets/income will be pooled when looking at how they will be divided

It's a bit scary that some people still like this isn't it! Marriage is a contract, but not one that requires women to slavishly surrender everything to their H. Like I said upthread (way back) myself and H do pool our few pence. But my mother drilled it in to me to always, always have access to my own money. (Never be dependent on any man!) It's always something that has stuck with me. It's a really really important lesson for girls imo. Or anyone really but moreso girls, what with mat leave etc.

Another use of the word baffling?! Not baffling in the slightest.

I won't disclose because it has nothing to do with the principle of the question, it would be unlikely to alter the advice as it's neither a wildly inappropriate purchase nor is it very interesting to anyone other than me.

I am quite mature enough to have a conversation with DH that went along the lines of this:

Me: Do you mind if I spend next years holiday money on Mystery Purchase? It will mean I can't afford to go on holiday in 2024, but we've had a holiday in 2023 and will again in 2025. It's a one-off purchase and I'd really like to have it. But if you feel strongly enough that you'd rather I didn't then I'll consider that.

DH: Yes that's fine.

No ambiguity, no room for confusion.

As for the cheaper holiday with children around, no thanks, I'd rather not go at all.

"So according to your logic OP should just accept he has changed his mind and find the money for holidays no matter how or where?"

I clearly said the complete opposite but cba explaining.

I so not understand why so many people are obsessed with the ‘mystery spend’. It’s completely irrelevant as OP’s DH deemed it reasonable when they discussed it.

I also don’t understand why people are hijacking the thread to essentially say “my financial way is the only way”. There are plenty of reasons why people wouldn’t pool funds.

OP, in my opinion you are still not BU.

(Edited to fix typo.)

Each to their own, I'm not sure why you find it so bizarre that someone has a differing opinion to you?
I can understand why you pool finances, why can't you understand why I don't?
He's my husband and we do husband/wife things together - never did that with a flatmate.

I think I'd be a bit upset if dh said he couldn't go on holiday with me because he'd bought an expensive piece of gym equipment that he then never used.

I'd feel as if I'd made a sacrifice too, but for nothing at all.

Whereas I wouldn't feel like that if he paid for a course that boosted his career prospects, or an item he loved and used regularly, or a medical procedure that changed his life.

So I do think the Mystery Purchase matters in terms of whether he's 'allowed' to regret making a sacrifice to support his partner.

But ultimately op has spent the money, doesn't want to go somewhere cheaper, doesn't want to get into debt and doesn't want him to pay for her. So he'll have no choice but to eventually accept that he's holidaying alone next year.

Yet it is completely different.

I didn't love my flatmates
I didn't have sex with my flatmates
I didn't have children with my flatmates
I didn't marry my flatmates