Page 21 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 10:54

Scalottia · 31/10/2023 10:47

Agree with this. Separate finances is just strange. Either you're a team or not. I could not imagine my husband being like this about finances.

OP your marriage is kind of odd, I just don't get it. Separate finances just doesn't make sense in a marriage, especially when it comes to exactly the issue that you are facing. You say that this thread has nothing to do with separate finances etc, but that is exactly what is causing your issue.

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It makes sense in my marriage.

We are a team which means we pay half of joint expenses such as mortgage, nursery fees etc but we don't feel entitled to the rest of each others money just because we are married so the rest of our money is ours to do as we like.

This means that gifts for each other are genuine surprises, not just from a joint pot of shared money.

It means that we don't have to check in with each other when we want to buy something unless it's something like a weekend away with friends and childcare is needed.

It means that if one of is more of a spender, that is fine because when the money is gone, it's gone.

We don't argue about money, it works really well for us. I'd never agree to pooling all of our money together.

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 10:56

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 10:43

Why yes, i have as it happens. I spent a few months as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital last year. Joking about mental health is a particularly shitty, low blow. And it's not even funny. There but for the grace of God go us all. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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I wasn't 'joking'. Your poisonous spite took me aback and I believed I knew what was behind it. Having MH problems is not a free pass to be nasty and attack people.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:04

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 10:56

I wasn't 'joking'. Your poisonous spite took me aback and I believed I knew what was behind it. Having MH problems is not a free pass to be nasty and attack people.

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You were attempting to be witty. It didn't land. Sorry about that. You asked about my MH, I answered honestly. I'm sorry that my 'poisonous spite' took you aback. I suppose that's the chance we all take when we post on an anonymous forum isn't it. I'm sure we'll both gather ourselves and get on with our respective days.

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 11:14

@Chickenkeev

I'm sorry that my 'poisonous spite' took you aback. I suppose that's the chance we all take when we post on an anonymous forum isn't it.

Well, that is a fair point.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 11:22

@MajorBarbara you have consistently come across as a bitter and twisted individual - slurring MH problems will win you no favours on this forum. Why don't you take your goady, disingenuous, superior attitude to another thread where they might be more interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 11:23

@Scalottia - I don't "get" your marriage where you think being dependent on someone else is attractive, but it takes all sorts.

OP posts:

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 11:24

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 11:22

@MajorBarbara you have consistently come across as a bitter and twisted individual - slurring MH problems will win you no favours on this forum. Why don't you take your goady, disingenuous, superior attitude to another thread where they might be more interested.

Victim blaming.

HamBone · 31/10/2023 11:30

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 08:18

If DH offered to pay for my holiday I don't know what I'd say to be honest. It would depend on how much the holiday was. I may accept and offer to pay some back if I could? Who knows, it's never happened. I'll let you know if he does but its not likely and was most definitely not the point of the thread.

If he does offer to pay for you, remember the old phrase “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!”

I hope he shuts up about the holiday soon, it must be irritating that he keeps bringing it up. Going forward though, just remember that it IS normal for couples and even close friends to treat each other, everything doesn’t have to be evenly split for you to remain financially independent.

In the last two last week my DH has treated his parents to dinner and one of my close friends has treated me to lunch. I’m going to buy DH’s ticket to an event next week., because I want him to go with me. We do it all the time.

Scalottia · 31/10/2023 11:36

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 11:23

@Scalottia - I don't "get" your marriage where you think being dependent on someone else is attractive, but it takes all sorts.

How on earth did you get to that conclusion from my post? We aren't dependent on each other...we just share money. And never have issues about holidays or spending, unlike you. I mean I would buy the 'mysterious' special treat and also go on the holiday with my husband. There's no either or.

Delatron · 31/10/2023 11:41

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 10:50

@SleepingStandingUp I did not say I don't go on holiday. we just that do not go together. I do things which are in my budget and I can afford for myself (and the DC). We do go away (abroad, in planes even!!).

Edited

Is it not financial abuse? Leaving your wife with hardly any money whilst swanning off on expensive holidays and buying nice things? What about when you go out for a meal? Do you have a starter and water whilst he has a three course meal? No that’s not common, sorry you think it is.

By all means be financially independent but that’s different to being married to a tightwad.

Delatron · 31/10/2023 11:42

I see you include the kids in what you can afford. So you have to pay for them too?

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:43

Scalottia · 31/10/2023 11:36

How on earth did you get to that conclusion from my post? We aren't dependent on each other...we just share money. And never have issues about holidays or spending, unlike you. I mean I would buy the 'mysterious' special treat and also go on the holiday with my husband. There's no either or.

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For me, it's fact she has (by the sound of it) very firmly said no. And he's not accepting it. That really bothers me tbh. Although, as has been well documented on here, I'm 'in need of (further) help with my MH. So what do I know ;)

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:45

Put the holiday on the credit card. Pay the money back over the next year. I know you said you don't want do do that but it sounds like the most sensible option and you could do with boosting your credit rating.

gamerchick · 31/10/2023 11:47

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:45

Put the holiday on the credit card. Pay the money back over the next year. I know you said you don't want do do that but it sounds like the most sensible option and you could do with boosting your credit rating.

Is that what you make your spouse do even though you have healthy bank accounts like?

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:49

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:45

Put the holiday on the credit card. Pay the money back over the next year. I know you said you don't want do do that but it sounds like the most sensible option and you could do with boosting your credit rating.

But she doesn't want to go? Boosting her credit rating is a bit of a stretch as a reason for a holiday. Her 'No' should be enough.

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:49

gamerchick · 31/10/2023 11:47

Is that what you make your spouse do even though you have healthy bank accounts like?

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You didn't finish your simile?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 11:49

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:45

Put the holiday on the credit card. Pay the money back over the next year. I know you said you don't want do do that but it sounds like the most sensible option and you could do with boosting your credit rating.

Surely the most sensible option is OP's DH accepting that no means no? She spent her holiday money which DH originally said he didn't mind. It sounds like he now feels differently but he still needs to accept OP's no and the fact she doesn't want to put it on the credit card.

Scalottia · 31/10/2023 11:50

@Chickenkeev yep I agree that he needs to accept no as the final answer...something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship if he can't accept no from his wife.

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:50

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:49

But she doesn't want to go? Boosting her credit rating is a bit of a stretch as a reason for a holiday. Her 'No' should be enough.

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I thought she did want to go but her half of money had been spent on the life-size inflatable model of Kier Starmer (I'm assuming this unless OP says what it is). If she doesn't want to go - don't go !

Universalsnail · 31/10/2023 11:52

Why doesn't he just pay for you to go on holiday? Honestly can't imagine living so seperetly like this. Me and my partner don't even love together and we are not as stringent is this. If one of us wanted a holiday and the other couldn't afford it we would just pay.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:53

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:50

I thought she did want to go but her half of money had been spent on the life-size inflatable model of Kier Starmer (I'm assuming this unless OP says what it is). If she doesn't want to go - don't go !

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LOL!!! (Sure you wouldn't kick him out of the bed for eating crisps ;))

Ilovelifeverymuch · 31/10/2023 11:54

electriclight · 31/10/2023 06:58

Surely this is a simple case of him changing his mind, as we all tend to do sometimes.

When you told him you wanted to spend your holiday money on something else, he agreed because (1) he didn't have much choice and you presented it as a done deal, or (2) he genuinely thought he'd be ok without a 2024 holiday.

As we move into winter he's realised that he really wants a holiday to look forward to, that it's important to him. Maybe the thing you bought instead looks pointless to him (something you haven't used much, doesn't look as nice as he thought it would, has had some unintended negative consequences) and this has bred some resentment - he can't believe he has to wait 2 years for some sunshine so you could buy a handbag, or whatever it is.

So he's trying to persuade you to reconsider - credit card, not buying Xmas presents etc.

Obviously he has savings and could pay for you but you don't have that sort of marriage. If he gives you £1500 for a holiday he may as well have just bought your handbag. You are also very independent and like the financial arrangement. You would not pay for him either if your situation was reversed.

Therefore your only option is to accept that he has changed his mind - as even you might do sometimes - and be patient and emphatic as he slowly realised that you won't change yours and he really does have to wait a long time for a holiday.

So according to your logic OP should just accept he has changed his mind and find the money for holidays no matter how or where?

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:56

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 11:53

LOL!!! (Sure you wouldn't kick him out of the bed for eating crisps ;))

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But seriously, he needs to listen to, and understand her No. Or stump up if it's that important to him. Not keep hassling her.

pinkred · 31/10/2023 11:57

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 11:45

Put the holiday on the credit card. Pay the money back over the next year. I know you said you don't want do do that but it sounds like the most sensible option and you could do with boosting your credit rating.

The OP has given no reason to think she needs to boost her credit score nor has she asked how to do so.

FWIW, utilising more than 25% of your credit limit actually lowers your rating..

@OverratedHoliday I know you said you and your partner earn about the same, but clearly the money from his parents causes a discrepancy. He needs to either accept you can't spend as much as he does and therefore you won't always be able to do the same things, or he needs to start paying more for things.

willbeskinnysoon · 31/10/2023 12:04

I find it a baffling that you are so resolute not to disclose the mystery spend. I presume it's because it somehow will impact the advice given.

I'm married and we have 3 accounts, mine, his, ours, and both pay an amount each pay day into the shared acc. But equally if the car packs up, or DIY house works, an unexpected cheeky holiday etc, whoever has it pays, there really is no mine or his.

Fwiw, I think it's absolutely fair enough that somebody wants to go on holiday with their partner before 2025. If you want to continue with current financial split arrangement then no matter what he agreed to it was unreasonable of you to suggest waiting until 2025 for holiday, 2 people working etc, there can't be any reason for it, except if maybe neither of you care about holiday much, or don't care much on spending time together.

Neither of you sound mature enough for a discussion either. All these lines in the sand, I told him I was paying my holiday fund on mystery spend, he agreed, he has money saved but hasn't offered to spend it, his family are rich, mine aren't (I don't see the relevance tbh), I won't go into credit card debt (absolutely, I agree), but you won't go on a cheaper holiday where there are children either.

Where's the compromise here?