Page 20 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 08:18

If DH offered to pay for my holiday I don't know what I'd say to be honest. It would depend on how much the holiday was. I may accept and offer to pay some back if I could? Who knows, it's never happened. I'll let you know if he does but its not likely and was most definitely not the point of the thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 08:19

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 08:10

When did I ever say I was rich, or even approaching it? We can pay the bills and spend maybe £1200 once a year between us on a holiday (a type of week-long city break by Easyjet to budget hotels). How does that make us 'rich'???

Oh come on @MajorBarbara you've been goading and winding people up all the way. Your very first post was dismissing me as a drip feeder.

In my experience those who claim to be the happiest are often the most unhappy. You may be the exception.

OP posts:

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 08:19

@Codlingmoths I don't think not holidaying together is the standard but I know a few (two couples to be precise) who don't go away together due to different finances. DH earns just a lot more than I do. I am on a very low part time wage. we don't pool finances for varies reasons and it is in part my decision as I had a very awful experience with pooling in a previous relationship (guess what, there can be downsides to pooling all finances too!). it works for us and I have accepted that expensive holidays are just not doable on my pay. why should DH who works very hard and long days forgo it just because of me. No idea if he would pay for my medical care. situation has not come up.

SomeCatFromJapan · 31/10/2023 08:27

I genuinely don't know many couples who take many separate holidays.

In OPs case I still think it's a really odd scenario not offering to pay or being that uncomfortable with accepting the offer.
It would be a nice thing to do, surely your spouse is the one person you'd most want to offer kindness to or accept it from?
I'd actually feel quite unloved in this scenario.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 08:29

Marriage should not be this hard, this transactional and cold.

Marriage should be a place of safety, comfort and joint security/care.

I can not believe you would have to ‘pay him back’ for a holiday he wanted to go on!

Honestly op, I think you need some counselling. Work out why you choose a man so begrudging and unwilling to share his life and resources with you.

You have committed to a life time of this kind of negotiation. It’s a very hard road as you get older, unexpected terrible things happen and we all need someone that is going to have our backs in this world.
It is very easy to not care when you are young, healthy and care free, less appealing when your health or a serious accident means you can’t work, you are made redundant, sacked, too old or too ill to continue - being lumbered with a man like this will then be exposed for the liability it is. A very lonely place indeed.

My closest friend married someone like your dh, it eventually tore them apart. The endless arguments about money, his ruthlessness. They live in the family home owned by generations of his family. At a stalemate now. He sleeps on the sofa and drinks himself into oblivion intermittently holidays with friends. They openly hate each other now. It’s miserable to say the least, and he didn’t even bother turning up for a scan she has for cancer.

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 08:45

@Pelegrinfalcon do you have to eat different food, ever go out for a meal with DH? I can’t imagine swanning off on an expensive holiday and leaving my spouse behind as they can’t afford it. If you were able to afford a long haul holiday would he sit in first class while you sit in economy?

If you don’t want to pool resources because you got stung before why did you get married?

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 09:02

@crumblingschools No, I eat the same food and yes, we do go out for meals very occasionally and DH tends to pay.

Marriage is about a lot more than shared finances.

Rewis · 31/10/2023 09:19

It's always great when you read a generally sensible op and then it quickly turns into a train wreck. Op wants to partially vent cause her husband did a 180 on something not that deep and partially ask for advice.

What she spent the money on is irrelevant. They as a family decided to forego a mutual holiday and husband is now disagreeing and not listening. The fact that they have separate finances are relevant but tue reasons or judgements are not.

So op, it sucks that he's not listening nor really offering solutions. Next time he brings up the holiday. You need to say that you've mutually agreed that you use your holiday fund to do your purchase and there is no more holiday money. You're not willing to go into debt. Repeat until he gets it. He can't ignore you. If he does then he's being really disrespectful then that's a whole other issue. Either he pays (and doesnt hold it over you) or you go it next year. You can do nice 4* adult only resort for less than £1500 if you're willing to adjust destiantion and time.

SecondRow · 31/10/2023 09:49

@OverratedHoliday
We'll see if he accepts that and stops banging on.

Well... what did he say right then, when you told him?

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/10/2023 09:51

My husband has always earned more than me and has always paid for holidays, with or without children.

It does matter what you spent the money on, though.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2023 10:04

MajorBarbara · 30/10/2023 20:49

I can't imagine ever going on even a weekend 'holiday' away without my DH, let alone longer, and he can't either. When we do go somewhere, like Toulouse a few weeks ago, we split everything 50-50. How can a couple be so distant from each other?

Having a weekend away with the girls by the coast or a weekend to Europe alone isn't a sign were distant from each other, it's a sign of a secure marriage where we can each have space to nurture our friendships.

And of course we miss each other, but there's nothing wrong with that. It's a nice. Missing someone isn't a negative feeling if you know they'll be back.

I actually think the saddest thing is you feel lonely if he's not there. So you feel lonely all day at work, on these occasional lone visits to family etc? Do you not have any other friends? When the worst happens, it may be a lonely few decades for one of you.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2023 10:05

Delatron · 30/10/2023 18:41

I don’t think they’ve had a holiday together this year and with no kids to juggle you would think they can make that happen somehow.

They have gone his year, it's 2024 they can't.
And having no kids doesn't mean endless money.

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 10:16

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2023 10:04

Having a weekend away with the girls by the coast or a weekend to Europe alone isn't a sign were distant from each other, it's a sign of a secure marriage where we can each have space to nurture our friendships.

And of course we miss each other, but there's nothing wrong with that. It's a nice. Missing someone isn't a negative feeling if you know they'll be back.

I actually think the saddest thing is you feel lonely if he's not there. So you feel lonely all day at work, on these occasional lone visits to family etc? Do you not have any other friends? When the worst happens, it may be a lonely few decades for one of you.

Show quote history

Maybe lonely is the wrong word. I'm retired (we both are) and the kids have left home. I have a friend who I go for long walks with and another who is teaching me Dutch (she's from there) but holidays are special things for me and DH. If 'the worst' happens - I suppose you mean if he dies? Well, that, in a way, is the price of loving someone. Anyhow, he has old genes (dad was 94) and I have high blood pressure, so it might be me that 'goes' first. I worry in that case how he'd manage.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 10:23

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 08:29

Marriage should not be this hard, this transactional and cold.

Marriage should be a place of safety, comfort and joint security/care.

I can not believe you would have to ‘pay him back’ for a holiday he wanted to go on!

Honestly op, I think you need some counselling. Work out why you choose a man so begrudging and unwilling to share his life and resources with you.

You have committed to a life time of this kind of negotiation. It’s a very hard road as you get older, unexpected terrible things happen and we all need someone that is going to have our backs in this world.
It is very easy to not care when you are young, healthy and care free, less appealing when your health or a serious accident means you can’t work, you are made redundant, sacked, too old or too ill to continue - being lumbered with a man like this will then be exposed for the liability it is. A very lonely place indeed.

My closest friend married someone like your dh, it eventually tore them apart. The endless arguments about money, his ruthlessness. They live in the family home owned by generations of his family. At a stalemate now. He sleeps on the sofa and drinks himself into oblivion intermittently holidays with friends. They openly hate each other now. It’s miserable to say the least, and he didn’t even bother turning up for a scan she has for cancer.

Yet you’ve completely ignored the fact that OP says in the very first post that they generally have a good marriage and separate finances works for them except this small issue which has just come up.

I’m also not sure why a holiday is being compared to illness etc they are completely different things. One is a luxury, one is something that can’t be helped. It makes sense that the response to an illness or a disability would likely be different to a holiday.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 10:24

When me and my dp go on holiday, he usually pays more than me as he earns more (even though my teenage dc come along). H wanted to go somewhere expensive last year for an event and I couldn't afford to go so he offered to pay for me. I was happy for him to go alone but he wanted me to come so I did and it was amazing. Surely that's how partnerships work? You help each other out and do things together.

Crikeyalmighty · 31/10/2023 10:35

I'm fascinated at some of these strange financial situations in marriages- I'm all for women working and having their own money, but at the end of the day marriage is meant to be a partnership. What happens if you need to be a SAHM or work very part time or one or the other of you can't work because of illness?? On this basis no SAHMs would ever get a holiday whilst thinking it's fine for H to go on frequent mates holidays because it's 'his' money

SomeCatFromJapan · 31/10/2023 10:38

@Crikeyalmighty I've seen more and more women posting about frantically saving for their maternity leave so that they can continue to cover their share of the bills, and how skint they are while nothing changes financially for the new father.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 10:42

Crikeyalmighty · 31/10/2023 10:35

I'm fascinated at some of these strange financial situations in marriages- I'm all for women working and having their own money, but at the end of the day marriage is meant to be a partnership. What happens if you need to be a SAHM or work very part time or one or the other of you can't work because of illness?? On this basis no SAHMs would ever get a holiday whilst thinking it's fine for H to go on frequent mates holidays because it's 'his' money

Why would I need to be a SAHM? Do you mean in the case of having a disabled child? If so, it would be my husband who would be the SAHP and of course I'd financially support him because it's a very different situation to a holiday.

Same for if one of us had an illness. The other one would absolutely financially support the other one, of course we would.

Day to day with two healthy adults who are capable of working full time? Separate finances.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2023 10:43

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 06:36

You clearly are financially not on equal footing. I would just ask him to stop bringing it up. DH and I never holiday together because I can't afford what he can. I don't think it's that uncommon.

You never go on holiday because your husband won't go on one you can afford. That is uncommon.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 10:43

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 07:30

@Chickenkeev

So perhaps, just perhaps, you could STFU

Have you tried to get help for your mental health? You clearly need it.

Why yes, i have as it happens. I spent a few months as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital last year. Joking about mental health is a particularly shitty, low blow. And it's not even funny. There but for the grace of God go us all. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Scalottia · 31/10/2023 10:47

SomeCatFromJapan · 31/10/2023 10:38

@Crikeyalmighty I've seen more and more women posting about frantically saving for their maternity leave so that they can continue to cover their share of the bills, and how skint they are while nothing changes financially for the new father.

Agree with this. Separate finances is just strange. Either you're a team or not. I could not imagine my husband being like this about finances.

OP your marriage is kind of odd, I just don't get it. Separate finances just doesn't make sense in a marriage, especially when it comes to exactly the issue that you are facing. You say that this thread has nothing to do with separate finances etc, but that is exactly what is causing your issue.

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 10:47

I think one of the particular issues with OP's scenario is that they seem to have priorities when it comes to holidays, as DH seems to go on a few holidays without OP and then one annual holiday with OP. This doesn't seem to bother OP as holidays possibly aren't so much her thing, and she has a particular holiday in mind (no kids!) whereas DH maybe slightly more flexible. If OP can't afford a holiday this year, she is not particularly bothered whereas her DH is. So it isn't all about finances it's the slight incompatibility with respect to holidays.

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 10:50

@SleepingStandingUp I did not say I don't go on holiday. we just that do not go together. I do things which are in my budget and I can afford for myself (and the DC). We do go away (abroad, in planes even!!).

electriclight · 31/10/2023 10:50

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 08:45

@Pelegrinfalcon do you have to eat different food, ever go out for a meal with DH? I can’t imagine swanning off on an expensive holiday and leaving my spouse behind as they can’t afford it. If you were able to afford a long haul holiday would he sit in first class while you sit in economy?

If you don’t want to pool resources because you got stung before why did you get married?

It's not because she can't afford it though. OP has said that they earn similar amounts. It was her choice to spend her holiday money on a different treat.

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 10:53

@Pelegrinfalcon has he ever offered to pay for you to go on holiday with him, I can't imagine DH swanning off on some expensive trip and leaving me at home, because my wages wouldn't cover the cost of me going. Yes when we were first seeing each other I had to pay my way, but now we have been married for a number of years, that would just seem terrible. Fine if you are not a holiday person, but otherwise what sort of partnership are you in?