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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent my holiday fund

772 replies

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:52

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP posts:
LizzyLongbow · 31/10/2023 02:14

Your DH prioritises holidays, you don't. That's the problem to solve. The money issue is a red herring.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/10/2023 02:49

Did you explain to DH before you made Mystery Purchase or after that you were spending your holiday budget?

You say he has had several trips away with friends and presumably will do the same in 2024. Will you be doing similar, ie is it only the big holiday with him that you can't afford but you will still have some time away from home? Perhaps he thinks there are other areas you could save in to pay for a holiday.

Or perhaps he genuinely doesn't understand that you actually don't have the same resources that he does? What has he responded when you've said "But I can't go on holiday next year because I bought MP"?

Codlingmoths · 31/10/2023 04:40

LizzyLongbow · 31/10/2023 02:14

Your DH prioritises holidays, you don't. That's the problem to solve. The money issue is a red herring.

That’s not true that we know he prioritises holidays. He has lots of disposable cash, so if he wanted this random other thing he could buy it and still take his 6 holidyas a year. Maybe there are 10 random other things he has already decided he likes this year and bought, or one thing costing 20x as much - money means he doesn’t have to make these hard choices. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to respect that his wife does.
op, if he only had money for one holiday do you think he’d ditch the friends and other travel options and say it’s the holiday wiht you I want?

I suppose where I’m coming from there is if he wants a holiday with you that much then he’d pay for it.

Indoorcatmum · 31/10/2023 04:52

Ah, classic mumsnet.

People are being deliberately obtuse. I don't know why they like to fixate on things and derail threads but it is ridiculous.

OP, you communicated with him clearly re holiday and he agreed.
You are not being unreasonable.

Simply repeat -
"Remember we discussed this and you gave me the go-ahead. That holiday looks lovely for next year, put it on the list".

Your financial agreement and split are irrelevant here.
What IS relevant is you clearly communicated but he now has FOMO.

urbanbuddha · 31/10/2023 05:07

You’ll still have leave to take though? And he wants a holiday. So can you design a “paupers’ break” that takes you both away? See it as a challenge to find something cheap and cheerful and embrace something you wouldn’t usually do.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 05:10

urbanbuddha · 31/10/2023 05:07

You’ll still have leave to take though? And he wants a holiday. So can you design a “paupers’ break” that takes you both away? See it as a challenge to find something cheap and cheerful and embrace something you wouldn’t usually do.

It’s incredible the level of pandering being recommended on here!!

Shocking levels of passivity and helplessness. It’s pathetic.

No is enough.

’ I am not going on holiday as we discussed earlier in the year following my purchase ‘

Autiebibliophile · 31/10/2023 05:11

I would sit down with him and say very clearly. "I do not have the money to go away in 2024. So will not be going away. Please stop showing me holidays as it's not nice"

RampantIvy · 31/10/2023 05:54

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:17

What's odd? I haven't asked him to pay as I'm not bothered about having a holiday. If he wants me to go badly enough then he has the funds to pay but I'm not even sure if I'd accept.

Being financially independent is good, but this just all sounds rather cold and transactional. There doesn't seem to be any give or take on either side, just rather compartmentalised.

coffy11 · 31/10/2023 06:04

What opinions are you after? You tell him you can't afford a holiday and he's not listening to you and keeps showing you pics. Not much you can do except ignore him when he does this. I don't understand why he doesn't get it.

Tumbleweed101 · 31/10/2023 06:34

I’ve not read the full thread.

Can’t you just do an off season UK holiday or staycation type holiday next year? You will be together and it won’t be too expensive to save a couple hundred for a few days out together.

Your husband knew you were prioritising the other thing so shouldn’t be making things awkward now.

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 06:36

You clearly are financially not on equal footing. I would just ask him to stop bringing it up. DH and I never holiday together because I can't afford what he can. I don't think it's that uncommon.

CherryBlossoms88 · 31/10/2023 06:50

Clearly this arrangement isn’t working perfectly hence why you are posting your issue here. Not sure what else people can advise than say you told him already you spent the 2024 budget and you can’t go, unless he pays for you?

There are huge discrepancies with how other people in a marriage do their finances. Others separate, while others joint. I prefer the joint as neither my partner or I would want the other not being able to do something because one couldn’t ‘afford’ to do it.

maddening · 31/10/2023 06:57

So is the pot usually around 1500? If so perhaps you forgo Xmas presents as he suggested so both put £250 to his 1500 and find a 1000pp holiday? He would be doing it knowing he was subsising you but he can choose to do that if it is what he wants?

electriclight · 31/10/2023 06:58

Surely this is a simple case of him changing his mind, as we all tend to do sometimes.

When you told him you wanted to spend your holiday money on something else, he agreed because (1) he didn't have much choice and you presented it as a done deal, or (2) he genuinely thought he'd be ok without a 2024 holiday.

As we move into winter he's realised that he really wants a holiday to look forward to, that it's important to him. Maybe the thing you bought instead looks pointless to him (something you haven't used much, doesn't look as nice as he thought it would, has had some unintended negative consequences) and this has bred some resentment - he can't believe he has to wait 2 years for some sunshine so you could buy a handbag, or whatever it is.

So he's trying to persuade you to reconsider - credit card, not buying Xmas presents etc.

Obviously he has savings and could pay for you but you don't have that sort of marriage. If he gives you £1500 for a holiday he may as well have just bought your handbag. You are also very independent and like the financial arrangement. You would not pay for him either if your situation was reversed.

Therefore your only option is to accept that he has changed his mind - as even you might do sometimes - and be patient and emphatic as he slowly realised that you won't change yours and he really does have to wait a long time for a holiday.

CharlotteBog · 31/10/2023 06:59

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 06:36

You clearly are financially not on equal footing. I would just ask him to stop bringing it up. DH and I never holiday together because I can't afford what he can. I don't think it's that uncommon.

I hope it is uncommon!

Codlingmoths · 31/10/2023 07:00

Pelegrinfalcon · 31/10/2023 06:36

You clearly are financially not on equal footing. I would just ask him to stop bringing it up. DH and I never holiday together because I can't afford what he can. I don't think it's that uncommon.

Do you actually know other married people who do not holiday together because one can’t afford it? That stinks, frankly. Imagine loving someone, marrying them and also taking all of your holidays without them because they don’t earn enough to go on holidays with you. At least the op usually holidays with her husband! I am going to be really personal and ask if you had a serious medical issue and couldn’t earn an income, would your dh cover your share? Would he pay for private medical care if that was within his budget?

Basilton · 31/10/2023 07:03

Ilovelifeverymuch · 31/10/2023 02:10

Wtf is going on with this thread lol, how is OP rude? She has told him she doesn't have any money for holidays anymore this year and yet he keeps showing her holidays ignoring the fact she has already spent her holiday fund which he agreed to and somehow she is rude?

Are you upset she refuses to divulge what she spent the money on? That's none of your business and is not relevant. What is relevant is she told him before she spent the money and he was on board and now he has changed his mind. It doesn't matter what she spent the money on, it could be a car, it could be to go to a Michelin star restaurant, it could literally be anything it doesn't matter, what matters so she told him and he was ok with it so he can't then change his mind months later and insist she go on holiday with him.

You really need to take a break from the edibles 😂

Edited
Show quote history

Well, obviously the rudeness being commented on is referring to OP’s rude responses it many people on this thread.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 07:06

So much so that I won't drop them and take money from PIL that they clearly don't want me to have.

Is there more to this @OverratedHoliday ? Do your inlaws hate you, and you them, which is why you’d never allow your H to pay from his family pot?

Tappetytap · 31/10/2023 07:16

It's obvious she's had a new set of pearly whites 😂

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 07:30

@Chickenkeev

So perhaps, just perhaps, you could STFU

Have you tried to get help for your mental health? You clearly need it.

Delatron · 31/10/2023 07:42

jannier · 31/10/2023 00:16

I wouldn't say most a few in my experience but they all ended up divorced or separated most are still together and holiday together. They spend their working lives apart have separate hobbies etc but their 3 weeks off a year are together maybe it's a rich thing to have separate holidays.

Show quote history

What? So couples that have the occasional trip apart end up divorced? Right. The things I read on here….

Your post doesn’t even make sense…

RampantIvy · 31/10/2023 07:57

DH and I never holiday together because I can't afford what he can. I don't think it's that uncommon.

That is so sad. I do think this is uncommon, thankfully.

Imagine loving someone, marrying them and also taking all of your holidays without them because they don’t earn enough to go on holidays with you.

if you had a serious medical issue and couldn’t earn an income, would your dh cover your share?

I agree @Codlingmoths. I had to give up work at first when DD was born because she had serious medical issues that required 24/7 care that also meant very little sleep for me at night. If we had had this kind of transactional relationship I doubt that our marriage would have survived.

We are a partnership, and we both bring different things to the table. Now it is DH who has the health issues and I am the one still working.

Original poster
OverratedHoliday · 31/10/2023 08:02

Some really interesting replies overnight - thanks!

I didn't think my boring little problem would get so much interest. I think @BluebellsareBlue had a bit too much wine last night ;-)

Interesting to see @MajorBarbara made a reappearance after her initial dismissal that I was drip feeding, to tell us all how happy she is in her perfect marriage and how very very rich she is. Congrats!

Sorry if my early morning sarcasm is seen as rude to some. Just my humour as this is all very unimportant.

The situation is what it is. I told DH last night that my budget for next year's holiday is spent as we agreed. I have no issue if he wants to holiday with friends (as he probably will) and I can probably stretch to a mini-break or a UK weekend but defo not the usual couple of weeks abroad in an adults only. We'll see if he accepts that and stops banging on.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 31/10/2023 08:05

Would you really refuse if he offered to pay for a holiday? Really?
He is your husband not a loan shark.

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 08:10

When did I ever say I was rich, or even approaching it? We can pay the bills and spend maybe £1200 once a year between us on a holiday (a type of week-long city break by Easyjet to budget hotels). How does that make us 'rich'???