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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent my holiday fund

772 replies

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:52

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:25

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:23

This is such a depressing thread.
Finding love is not a given being physically able to go away freely is something denied to so many people for so many reasons.
Sudden tragedy befalls so many people, people are lonely.
Here we have two newly married people, one of whom wants to go away whose too tight to offer to pay for his wife...but he wants a holiday with his wife and his wife is too stubborn to want to go and be paid for...

Surely if OP was so desperate to go away with her husband then she wouldn’t have spent the money in the first space?

Sounds like OP wasn’t bothered about going anyway, hence the fact she spent it on something else.

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:27

@BuddhaAtSea

Gosh that's a very very good point.

There is money here and this is just a holiday. What happens if shit hits the fan....

reallydontlikeit · 30/10/2023 18:28

It is beyond my comprehension that a man would like to go on holidays with his wife, and seemingly can afford to pay for that holiday, but apparently will not because it's outside the usual financial set-up. He should either offer to pay for the holiday or shut up about the holiday/find someone else to holiday with this year.

It sounds like the 50:50 works well for you OP most of the time, you've spent your extra money this year on something for you, which you discussed with him at the time. That's the way you organise your money (it's not the way it works in my marriage but that's not relevant here) so he needs to either accept that or stop being so rigid so you can both have a nice holiday. What a way to live.

FaeWings · 30/10/2023 18:30

Your DH is being annoying if he is repeatedly not listening to you. Next time he shows you a holiday you could just say: Looks great, are they taking bookings for 2025 yet?

Maybe start planning a nice staycation for yourself in 2024 and let him know your plans?

Or you confront him directly for not listening to you.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 18:32

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:23

This is such a depressing thread.
Finding love is not a given being physically able to go away freely is something denied to so many people for so many reasons.
Sudden tragedy befalls so many people, people are lonely.
Here we have two newly married people, one of whom wants to go away whose too tight to offer to pay for his wife...but he wants a holiday with his wife and his wife is too stubborn to want to go and be paid for...

I don't quite agree with this. Seperate finances should be fine. But imo, the H here is taking the proverbial. Like I said before, we have all finances together. When we started out, i earned double what he did. We got along fine. What bothers me here is the OH's refusal to hear his wfe's No. I find that hugely disturbing.

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:36

The point is being missed.

Life is extremely short and precious.

A husband wants to go on holiday with his wife but he won't pay and she'd not bothered about sharing a holiday with him.
As I said so depressing.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/10/2023 18:38

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:05

Do you find his attachment to his mothers financial nipple attractive?

Given his adult position is that of a petulant five year old determined to hold on to all of his sweeties, because he is incapable of sharing and his mother told him not to.

Show quote history

WTF!!! How did you get here????

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:39

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:36

The point is being missed.

Life is extremely short and precious.

A husband wants to go on holiday with his wife but he won't pay and she'd not bothered about sharing a holiday with him.
As I said so depressing.

Life is short which also applies to not going on a holiday you aren’t bothered about.

Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 18:40

I don't think OP was not bothered. That's unfair. Seems like she spent it on a course or something else important.

I travel solo all the time- mind you- but it's not because DH doesn;t have the money to come along. Just that I sometimes like to get away on my own, especially now we both WFH.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 18:41

I don’t think they’ve had a holiday together this year and with no kids to juggle you would think they can make that happen somehow.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 18:44

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:36

The point is being missed.

Life is extremely short and precious.

A husband wants to go on holiday with his wife but he won't pay and she'd not bothered about sharing a holiday with him.
As I said so depressing.

She told him she had plans for her money a good bit in advance. His behaviour is (generously) decribed as passive aggresive now. He needs to 'shit or get off the pot' as the saying goes.

Tontostitis · 30/10/2023 18:50

My dh and I kept separate finances for years we had no joint children so it worked for us. Twenty years on its all in one pot now so I don't seevanything wrong in it.

Next time he shows you a holiday say yep that's great as long as your paying. Or you get to choose as you'll be paying but I'll bring Mystery Purchase along. (In my head its a Mulberry bag)

PurpleSky300 · 30/10/2023 18:59

I find it a bit strange, prioritising something over a holiday with DH (?) but each to their own. If he knew in advance then he was free to arrange something with his mates or just go without you, really.

Zeroperspective · 30/10/2023 19:14

I haven't RTFT only your replies but my 2 pennies are

  1. you discussed it, it was agreed, end of. You're not being unreasonable to stick to the agreement
  2. your last reply to the lengthy message that Cottagecheeseisnotcheese took the time and thought to type out was pretty blunt and kinda rude. I can guess from your replies you've had the usual crap thrown at you that is so typical on mumsnet these days but this reply was genuine, well thought out, obviously took the poster some time and you just dismissed it because it wasn't 100% clear to them which year the holiday was being "missed". They made some really good points with good examples that I think will help start a productive conversation with your DH so you don't end up in a similar situation in the future, you don't have to reply to every comment but you did take the time to reply to Cottagecheeseisnotcheese and frankly the least you could have done is added a thank you in there
GettingOldWithoutStyle · 30/10/2023 19:31

Just for those that don't get it. We also are married and have separate finances. I like having my own 6 month emergency pot - he knows I have one 🤷🏼 also have three very young kids. Childcare is split, mortgage is split 50-50. DH does food shops and council tax, I do bills like energy etc and kids expenses like new coats etc. It's not 100% even I'm sure, but we never count, never deprive each other of anything. I paid for this year's holiday, he's paid for a new front door and some builder repairs. It's all the same really. I'm fiercely independent, I wouldn't take DHs name for example which sure pissed off the mil 😂 DH didn't care, we're two people that love each other, there are not boxes you need to tick to meet a criteria. Been together for 22 years.

OP, if he wants you to go he either offers and you accept or goes alone. You've every right to be annoyed but like pp suggests just think about whether you will accept if he does offer. He is a twerp for keep bringing it up though.

NoraBattysCurlers · 30/10/2023 19:36

BuddhaAtSea · 30/10/2023 18:24

I think YANBU, he shouldn’t be annoyed.
Just remember that none of us walk into an abusive relationship thinking: yeah, that sounds great! It’s a drip by drip by drip by drip scenario.

If there is a problem when there are funds, and the subject is a holiday, I’d dread to think what the take would be in case of redundancy, illness, maternity etc.

Wise words@BuddhaAtSea.

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 20:03

The stupidity on this thread is horrifying. How can women have so little knowledge of their own positions?!

When you marry you do NOT create a “joint financial union”

Your DH can NOT control your finances

You do NOT have to share your money if you don’t want to

You remain fully independent and autonomous when it comes to making decisions about spending/bequeathing/saving or otherwise disposing of your assets.

If you divorce then divorce law mandates that generally assets be treated to ensure parties are treated fairly, but that’s totally separate to the issue of what happens in a marriage.

Definitelynotem · 30/10/2023 20:05

Not sure why this is so hard for people…I’m with you OP. We have separate finances too and if I was in the same situation I wouldn’t budge, nor would I expect my husband to

Autumnleaves89 · 30/10/2023 20:32

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 30/10/2023 13:09

Why can't he go on his own? Is he helpless?

Don’t be ridiculous.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/10/2023 20:46

If I was your DH and we'd had that conversation I'd just pay for both of us if I really wanted to go on holiday with you, I think that would be fair enough as you did discuss.

I think if I were you and he carried on showing pictures and making suggestions I would just say 'if you want a joint holiday you'll have to pay for it all as my budget is gone, like we discussed'. If he doesn't want to do that and carries on talking about it just smile and nod, or tell him to bugger off if it's annoying!

I don't think either of you are in the wrong really, he said it was fine because of course it's your money and he probably thought he didn't mind, now he wishes you could go, where as you made your choice and you don't have a way around the situation now so it's out of your hands.

No idea why there's so much aggro on the thread!

MajorBarbara · 30/10/2023 20:49

I can't imagine ever going on even a weekend 'holiday' away without my DH, let alone longer, and he can't either. When we do go somewhere, like Toulouse a few weeks ago, we split everything 50-50. How can a couple be so distant from each other?

PetsAreBetter · 30/10/2023 20:51

Your finances are so separate that he can't offer to shout you a holiday because he wants your company on it? Especially given the wealth disparity, that seems a bit strange to me.

If he's not hearing you and not offering then you'll just have to find a phrase to repeat. Something like, "That looks nice. Maybe next year when I've been able to save again?"

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 20:55

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 20:03

The stupidity on this thread is horrifying. How can women have so little knowledge of their own positions?!

When you marry you do NOT create a “joint financial union”

Your DH can NOT control your finances

You do NOT have to share your money if you don’t want to

You remain fully independent and autonomous when it comes to making decisions about spending/bequeathing/saving or otherwise disposing of your assets.

If you divorce then divorce law mandates that generally assets be treated to ensure parties are treated fairly, but that’s totally separate to the issue of what happens in a marriage.

😂😂 no actual idea of real lives, babies being born, disability…. Literally no idea of reality.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 20:56

MajorBarbara · 30/10/2023 20:49

I can't imagine ever going on even a weekend 'holiday' away without my DH, let alone longer, and he can't either. When we do go somewhere, like Toulouse a few weeks ago, we split everything 50-50. How can a couple be so distant from each other?

It doesn't mean they are distant, it just means they don't need to be together 24/7. It's fine to still be your own person after marriage and also have relationships with other people such as going on holidays with friends.

Frankly, I'd feel suffocated if your marriage was mine but all marriages are different.

MajorBarbara · 30/10/2023 20:59

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 20:56

It doesn't mean they are distant, it just means they don't need to be together 24/7. It's fine to still be your own person after marriage and also have relationships with other people such as going on holidays with friends.

Frankly, I'd feel suffocated if your marriage was mine but all marriages are different.

Show quote history

Yes, of course all marriages are different. We'd feel lonely if we weren't together.

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