Page 16 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

GarlicBroccolini · 30/10/2023 17:56

I don’t think most women on here understand what marriage means. Unless you have a water tight pre-nup, “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” when it comes to marriage.

Womencanlift · 30/10/2023 17:56

No idea why you are getting such a hard time. Perfectly normal for spouses to have separate finances, especially with no kids involved. It doesn’t mean you are flatmates, in fact that is a pretty insulting view of your relationship. But there is quite a large proportion of MN who have a “marriage is only real if finances are shared” view of the world. There has been another thread on that very topic in active threads for a few days now

The issue is your DH accepted that there would be no 2024 holiday when you discussed your purchase with him. If he had an issue then he should have raised it. At this stage it’s just going to have to be the broken record approach when he shows you a holiday E.g. “that’s nice dear!” or “yes that will be nice for 2025” and repeat

However would a short city break be a good compromise?

lightpineapple · 30/10/2023 17:57

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:45

I am not prepared to get into debt to pay for a holiday on a credit card. I have no debt and don't want any. I could afford the one-off cost but not alongside a holiday, it was one or the other and I was very clear.

I think he'd like me to put it on a credit card. I've just thought of this so sorry if it's considered drip feeding.

Correct me if I'm wrong but when you're married isn't your credit score merged too?

So it isn't in his best interests for you to do this either.

Your options are either he pays for both of you, he lends you the money (can understand why you wouldn't want this option), or you don't go.

I would also be frustrated in your position @OverratedHoliday, but I feel like if he wants to pay for you that should be fine? I understand you have similar salaries, but he effectively has more due to his parents.

TeaGinandFags · 30/10/2023 17:57

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:30

This!

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Ditto this.

You gave hubby fair warning that you wouldn't be going on holiday and he was happy. That was then.

Now he's sulking and trying to effectively spend your money for you.

Ignore his nonsense and do nothing. The date for the holiday will come and go.

PartyPartyYeah · 30/10/2023 17:57

Of course he doesn't want to pool money 😂 he is sitting on money and laughing!

Delatron · 30/10/2023 17:59

All this talk of independence yet quite often the separate finances benefit the men far more. ‘He earns far more than me but we split the bills equally’ well that’s fair. Bet they hold back savings and pensions too.

If that’s what being financially independent means then I’m happy we share everything. We do have our own accounts but main money is pooled and shared. I work, have a pension but I think it’s unfair if one person in a marriage has a significantly larger amount of money to spend than the other.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:00

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:53

Not legally in terms of finances.

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Which isn’t really relevant unless a divorce happens.

Before that? Marriage can be almost anything you want it to be. For us, it means we’re still financially independent.

NoraBattysCurlers · 30/10/2023 18:01

The simpler answer is that neither of us want to pool our funds, we're both independent. I couldn't bear the thought of being dependent on a man for anything. I'm happily married to a man who feels the same as I do most of the time.

However, this means you will only live happly ever after until the day comes when you can no longer match his spending.

Sadly, this day has now arrived.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 30/10/2023 18:03

MajorBarbara · 30/10/2023 12:57

Weoll, if it was a boob job, an overpriced dog, a pony, or a hip operation for granny might affect his (and my) attitude.

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Am sure if it was a boob job, he would have at least paid for 1 breast, 😃.
You told him you couldn't afford to go, therefore, if he wants you to go with him, he pays.
Simple

Delatron · 30/10/2023 18:03

NoraBattysCurlers · 30/10/2023 18:01

The simpler answer is that neither of us want to pool our funds, we're both independent. I couldn't bear the thought of being dependent on a man for anything. I'm happily married to a man who feels the same as I do most of the time.

However, this means you will only live happly ever after until the day comes when you can no longer match his spending.

Sadly, this day has now arrived.

Yep.

Zebedee55 · 30/10/2023 18:03

I don't really understand these financial posts. Surely you pool resources so both can have a holiday? 🙄

ohme · 30/10/2023 18:04

@lightpineapple

Correct me if I'm wrong but when you're married isn't your credit score merged too?

You are wrong.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:04

Delatron · 30/10/2023 17:59

All this talk of independence yet quite often the separate finances benefit the men far more. ‘He earns far more than me but we split the bills equally’ well that’s fair. Bet they hold back savings and pensions too.

If that’s what being financially independent means then I’m happy we share everything. We do have our own accounts but main money is pooled and shared. I work, have a pension but I think it’s unfair if one person in a marriage has a significantly larger amount of money to spend than the other.

Edited

I’m the higher earner in our case. I don’t earn significantly more though.

Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 18:04

if I were him in this scenario, I would either pay for your holiday- without grudging a penny- or if that made you uncomfortable, try to downsize to a city break that you could afford, or even try to put it off till next year.

Ultravox · 30/10/2023 18:04

I can’t understand why he doesn’t just pay for you to go on holiday with him. It’s not like you’re a distant friend or acquaintance…you’re married FGS.

GarlicBroccolini · 30/10/2023 18:05

Zebedee55 · 30/10/2023 18:03

I don't really understand these financial posts. Surely you pool resources so both can have a holiday? 🙄

Noooo…. Because the OP is fiercely independent. Even though she chose to get married.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 18:07

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:04

I’m the higher earner in our case. I don’t earn significantly more though.

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Yes. It makes sense for the higher earner not to pool resources.

I do notice you said you dipped in to savings to cover maternity though which is a shame. I think any shortfall in earnings on maternity (however short) should be covered by the DH. He doesn’t take the financial hit so why should the woman.

I’m all for financial independence just don’t like to see women being screwed over by men with huge amounts of saving and pensions whilst they split everything ‘equally’.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:10

Delatron · 30/10/2023 18:07

Yes. It makes sense for the higher earner not to pool resources.

I do notice you said you dipped in to savings to cover maternity though which is a shame. I think any shortfall in earnings on maternity (however short) should be covered by the DH. He doesn’t take the financial hit so why should the woman.

I’m all for financial independence just don’t like to see women being screwed over by men with huge amounts of saving and pensions whilst they split everything ‘equally’.

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If both agree to the setup, I don’t see the issue.

We both wanted a baby so we both saved during pregnancy, I didn’t dip into personal savings.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 18:12

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 18:10

If both agree to the setup, I don’t see the issue.

We both wanted a baby so we both saved during pregnancy, I didn’t dip into personal savings.

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Yes if it’s equal then fine.

TheBoxontopofthewardrobe · 30/10/2023 18:13

Fucking hell @GarlicBroccolini whats
your problem with OP?

Ejismyf · 30/10/2023 18:16

Why dont you suggest that he covers next years holiday and you save up for 2025 and will pay for you both that year and that evens it out then go back to paying yourselves in 2026?

GarlicBroccolini · 30/10/2023 18:16

@TheBoxontopofthewardrobe what do you mean? My first post was in response how curt she was being to the people who replied.

fluffypotatoes · 30/10/2023 18:17

Hold firm

Burpsandrustles · 30/10/2023 18:23

This is such a depressing thread.
Finding love is not a given being physically able to go away freely is something denied to so many people for so many reasons.
Sudden tragedy befalls so many people, people are lonely.
Here we have two newly married people, one of whom wants to go away whose too tight to offer to pay for his wife...but he wants a holiday with his wife and his wife is too stubborn to want to go and be paid for...

BuddhaAtSea · 30/10/2023 18:24

I think YANBU, he shouldn’t be annoyed.
Just remember that none of us walk into an abusive relationship thinking: yeah, that sounds great! It’s a drip by drip by drip by drip scenario.

If there is a problem when there are funds, and the subject is a holiday, I’d dread to think what the take would be in case of redundancy, illness, maternity etc.