Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent my holiday fund

772 replies

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:52

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP posts:
Zonder · 30/10/2023 17:12

Just write him a message so he had it in b&w.

Remember we discussed me spending my holiday 2024 budget on xxx?
That means I can't afford a holiday with you next year.
If you really want to holiday with me we can talk about you paying for it.
Otherwise I'm happy to wait until the following year, and next year we can have a few day trips to the coast instead!

Ooh or you could do a different type of holiday - a cottage in Cornwall or something so he pays for the cottage and you drive or something.

SecondRow · 30/10/2023 17:13

He is only being unreasonable if he keeps walking off without finishing the conversation, each time the OP reminds him that she's not going on the holiday this year.

But we don't know how the conversation ends...

Cornishclio · 30/10/2023 17:14

Just shut him down then.

At the time of you spending your holiday fund you told him you can't afford a holiday so he should either shut up about it or he agrees to pay for you. I wouldn't put it on a credit card either but this may be a problem going forward if he likes holidays and you aren't bothered.

tinytemper66 · 30/10/2023 17:17

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:01

@MajorBarbara it's none of those things. It's not a drip feed but I won't be divulging what the other thing is so please feel free to leave the thread.

We earn about the same but he is from a wealthy family whereas I am not.

He just keeps talking about it and showing me holidays on his phone?? I've said I have spent my holiday budget. He doesn't seem to hear it.

Well he either pays for you to go or he goes alone or not at all. A no-Brainer really.

GarlicBroccolini · 30/10/2023 17:20

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:57

@GarlicBroccolini perhaps because you called me a twat?

Ah, so you reported it? I said you were ‘coming across as a twat’ in your replies.

Anyway, good luck with your marriage.

MinnieL · 30/10/2023 17:27

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable. It’s as if he’s showing you holidays as a subtle hint that you should start getting some money together as he now wants you two to go on holiday. Well, you snooze, you lose!

I’d just remind him that you already agreed that you weren’t going on holiday and you’ve spent the money on something else. If he’s so bothered why can’t he just pay for the both of you as a one off?

As for having separate finances, so what? Doesn’t everyone do what is best for their marriage? Since when does it mean that someone’s marriage is ‘less than’ just because they don’t have joint accounts? Weird

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 17:29

Prelapsarianhag · 30/10/2023 17:11

I get you OP, I think he want you to take out a loan. Sod that.

Why are some posters on this thread so goady? - They could start a fight in an empty room.

I don't think people are trying to be goady in general tbf. There just seems to be very differing views. If you put up a post like this, you'll get very differing views. But post on MN, don full metal jacket.

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:30

YaWeeFurryBastard · 30/10/2023 13:11

If he wants a holiday with his wife, he needs to start acting like a husband and sharing his wealth.

Show quote history

This!

riseshineglow · 30/10/2023 17:30

OP you should think about what you would do if tables were turned...would YOU pay for him or think 'too bad you spent your pot'...would be a telling exercise?

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:31

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:14

I mentioned children as quite often that is the reason given why finances should be pooled. The simpler answer is that neither of us want to pool our funds, we're both independent. I couldn't bear the thought of being dependent on a man for anything. I'm happily married to a man who feels the same as I do most of the time.

I like holidays but think he likes them more. I am not fussed about giving up the holiday and he said he wasn't but now seems to be.

You are not independent, you are married.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 17:35

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:30

This!

Show quote history

I disagree there. Neither wants to blend finances. She said no. And continuous picking at her by him is unsettling. Unless he wants to pay for it. And he doesn't. So he should STFU imo, not try to bully her into submission.

ohme · 30/10/2023 17:35

I get it OP. Even with a discussion at the time it's become and issue. Classic case of him telling you what you want to hear when you raised it but letting out how he really feels down the line. Has he form for this? It's utterly frustrating and a bastard to live with as you never know if he is telling you how he feels or pacifying you

maw29 · 30/10/2023 17:35

Why can't he just pay for the holiday with you if he's so desperate to go?

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 17:37

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:31

You are not independent, you are married.

Show quote history

You do not give up your independence when you get married. It is not a life sentance. And that is an extremely damaging attitude.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/10/2023 17:37

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:55

He has had several holidays this year with his friends. He wants to go with me.

Well he pays then! I mean, you’re married, surely him paying shouldn’t be a big deal, you’re not going to renege on the deal, lol - pay him back at some point or you pay for both next time .

NoraBattysCurlers · 30/10/2023 17:40

If he wants a holiday he then has choices:
He goes on his own
He goes with a mate
He funds your half of the holiday as well as his.
Or he has no holiday

Surely you just explain that to him?

Seemingly not.

regularmumnotacoolmum · 30/10/2023 17:41

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:34

I do want to holiday with him. I just wanted to do this thing once and sadly don't have the funds to do both in one year.

I assume it's some sort of surgery or course? Either way, he's your husband and should treat you since he can afford to and he's the one that wants to go

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:45

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 17:37

You do not give up your independence when you get married. It is not a life sentance. And that is an extremely damaging attitude.

Show quote history

You do to an extent! Of course it is not a life sentence, but it is the creation of a legal financial union. That is literally the point iof marriage. You are no longer viewed as independent. You are one financial entity.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 17:45

NoraBattysCurlers · 30/10/2023 17:40

If he wants a holiday he then has choices:
He goes on his own
He goes with a mate
He funds your half of the holiday as well as his.
Or he has no holiday

Surely you just explain that to him?

Seemingly not.

I think the point is he won't hear that. He's being a prick. This was dicussed months ago, and he's 'jokingly' harassing OP into what he wants.

saffronsoup · 30/10/2023 17:46

I think you need to be upfront that you do not want to vacation with him. That when you considered how to allocate your funds for 2024, going on a vacation with him was not a priority and not something you wished to put money towards. That you put your money towards what matters to you and a vacation with him does not make the cut. He seems to think you want to vacation with him and so might see where you can find the money. You need to be firmer and clearer that you do not want to vacation with him and will not spend your money to spend time with him.

helloducky · 30/10/2023 17:47

I wouldn't want to go a whole year without going somewhere - holiday, weekend break or something but I love travel. If it's something your DH loves and he wants to share that experience with you then yes, in this situation, he'd have to pay for you. Has that penny dropped with him? I suppose if you work as a couple on the basis of independent finances (which I totally respect!) he might not offer and if he did you might not accept. So, really the only thing is to be firmer in telling him that you can't afford it and he was warned of this.

Whyohwhywyoming · 30/10/2023 17:51

My husband and I have separate finances. We have no joint children and we’re both married before. We pay bills equally but he earns much more than me. However I live in a much nicer home than I could have afforded on my own and have been able to get on the property ladder so am comfortable with it. I can imagine us having this conversation, and I think if he agreed to it and was then reminded of the agreement, he would offer to pay for the holiday. If I decided to accept I would probably aim to save enough to buy dinners / outings on said holiday. He doesn’t really know the ins and outs of my finances and he doesn’t need to save for things like I do so I can imagine it might be a bit difficult for him to grasp that I don’t have the money spare, as opposed to just not wanting to spend it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 17:52

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:31

You are not independent, you are married.

Show quote history

Last time I checked, I’m still my own person despite marriage.

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:53

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 17:52

Last time I checked, I’m still my own person despite marriage.

Show quote history

Not legally in terms of finances.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 17:55

Snugglemonkey · 30/10/2023 17:45

You do to an extent! Of course it is not a life sentence, but it is the creation of a legal financial union. That is literally the point iof marriage. You are no longer viewed as independent. You are one financial entity.

Show quote history

You have certain legal and financial obligations, yes. But realistically, these only become important when people split up. OP is still married, and her H doesn't seem to care a jot about her wishes. I (personally) really don't like the sound of that at all. I particularly dislike his attempts to cajole her into what she has explicitly said no to. But ultimately, it's up to her at the end of the day. I'm giving my experience, which is what is being asked for when someone posts on a public forum. I wish her well, and keep posting here OP x