Page 14 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Hipnotised · 30/10/2023 16:35

Do you want to go?

If so, could he lend you the money and you pay him back next year?

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:35

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 16:33

Well I've not commented on your situation as I've no idea but looks like I touched a nerve 🤷‍♀️ If your DH wouldn't pay for your holiday, or anything else you needed/wanted, despite having the resources, but went on repeated holidays with friends when you didn't have enough money then to answer your question, yes I wouldn't think that was much of a marriage 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Massive assumption @Firebug007 . You don't know if he pays for anything else as all that has been discussed here is the holiday.

I can't enjoy your posts as I find them goady and presumptive AF.

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:37

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 16:33

Well I've not commented on your situation as I've no idea but looks like I touched a nerve 🤷‍♀️ If your DH wouldn't pay for your holiday, or anything else you needed/wanted, despite having the resources, but went on repeated holidays with friends when you didn't have enough money then to answer your question, yes I wouldn't think that was much of a marriage 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

OP would’ve had enough money though, she just spent it on something else instead.

OP sounds more irritated by the fact that her DH seems to be going against their agreement rather than she isn’t going on holiday.

GarlicBroccolini · 30/10/2023 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wheredidyougonow · 30/10/2023 16:39

What an odd type of marriage. Doesn't even sound like a marriage really. If you can't go and has enough for both of you, why doesn't he just pay. I can't imagine dh treating me this way. Sounds so transactional.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:40

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:34

You were expected to pay half the bills while on mat leave and mat pay, looking after the new baby and recovering from labour?

Show quote history

With my enhanced maternity pay plus savings we both contributed to equally during pregnancy, yes.

I also went back at 12 weeks so didn’t have a particularly long maternity leave.

AngeloMysterioso · 30/10/2023 16:42

DH and I don’t pool our finances, and we do have children. It’s mostly because I have poor credit history so it would be detrimental to his eligibility for a mortgage, but also, I like having my own money that I can spend how I choose. We split household/DC related expenses fairly and the rest is ours. I don’t see why this is so alien to some people.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:43

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:40

With my enhanced maternity pay plus savings we both contributed to equally during pregnancy, yes.

I also went back at 12 weeks so didn’t have a particularly long maternity leave.

Show quote history

So he at least contributed to savings that were used to cover you during your mat leave?

Did you need to go back at 12 weeks?

MuchTooTired · 30/10/2023 16:44

YANBU to say you can’t afford it, he knew you were blowing the money on the ‘mystery purchase’ and was ok with it.

There's only really a handful of options as far as I can make out:

use a 0% credit card, which you don’t want to do,
dip into your savings if you have them,
he treats you to a holiday if you’ll accept,
you cancel the ‘mystery purchase’ if you can,
or, you don’t go and he quits mentioning it.

I don’t really see any other solution to it!

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:44

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:43

So he at least contributed to savings that were used to cover you during your mat leave?

Did you need to go back at 12 weeks?

Show quote history

Not financially, no. I wanted to go back.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 30/10/2023 16:46

hi
I understood from your OP that you had used this year's (2023) holiday fund for mystery purchase so there was no holiday this year, your latest hioliday suggests no holiday next year either so iis it 2 years of no joint holiday

I think he is allowed to suggest that he uses his "pot" to pay for you both, you can graciously accept a true gift

but if you think it is more a loan that you have to scrimp on clothes coffees etc to pay back or that you will be reminded endlessly he paid for your 2024 holiday then I think i would be hesitant in accepting the offer and I agree I would never put a holiday on a credit card.

long term you need to discuss things as you will only ever be able to afford things from income so if costs go up your ability to save will go down and so your choices of things to do jointly will depend on your disposable income as you have no pot to raid ( emergency funds are for rainy days major emergencies losing your job etc) I think your DH may not understand this fully as he has a backup over and above a reasonable emergency fund. you have to cut your cloth according to means so he has to accept your means are different to his

perhaps he needs you to explain again that you can only spend what you can afford, and your activities have to met with this and that limits your options

if one person has 100k in savings and the other 8k taking £1000 from savings is very different percentage wise, Having 99k (instead of 100K) in a 5% account will be worth about £104K in a year's time ( so still 4k more than before) however the other person at the same interest rate will have gone from 7000 (instead of 8000) to 7350 ie they are still £650 worse off a year later and the disparity which was 92K is now 96,650. So this is why the OP is probably so reluctant to use her emergency fund which needs to grow not shrink and is also probably why her DH doesn't understand why using her savings or credit card is such a big deal

Didimum · 30/10/2023 16:50

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 16:33

Well I've not commented on your situation as I've no idea but looks like I touched a nerve 🤷‍♀️ If your DH wouldn't pay for your holiday, or anything else you needed/wanted, despite having the resources, but went on repeated holidays with friends when you didn't have enough money then to answer your question, yes I wouldn't think that was much of a marriage 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Someone disagreeing with you doesn't mean you have touched a nerve – very strange. OP has said she was unconcerned with taking a holiday, so why should it matter that he has holidayed with friends? She is also fine with him having gone on holiday with friends – so again, why is any of that relevant? Your personal view on what a marriage is has nothing to do with this thread.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:51

Aside from the separate finances argument. (Which is working out far better for him..). I just can’t imagine being married to someone who has lots of savings and ‘family money’. Yet won’t pay for his wife to come on holiday with him. So ungenerous. He could call it a Christmas present if he likes.

I do wonder why you got married? I would argue romance but if he can’t treat you to a holiday it’s not that.

My DH treated me to a break away 3 months after I met him. Generosity and kindness are attractive traits.

GarlicBroccolini · 30/10/2023 16:52

Why was my post deleted?! How ridiculous

Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 16:54

There was a pp upthread who suggested a joint fund for holidays and separate finances for everything else. A reasonable compromise, I think.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:57

@GarlicBroccolini perhaps because you called me a twat?

OP posts:

MangosteenSoda · 30/10/2023 16:57

I think you should be able to spend your money on your Mystery Purchase AND go on holiday with your husband because your combined finances make that very doable.

However, you are not bothered about a holiday and your husband had agreed to that so I think the line has been clearly drawn.

I don’t think it’s ok that your husband appears happy for you to get into debt for the trip he wants to take and I think it is weird that he just wouldn’t pay for the trip for both of you if he really wants to go.

I also think a lifetime of marriage is full of hypothetical scenarios and situations can change quickly. To have this amount of rigidity and inflexibility around what is essentially team work could cause proper (not trivial like this) difficulties in the future.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:58

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 30/10/2023 16:46

hi
I understood from your OP that you had used this year's (2023) holiday fund for mystery purchase so there was no holiday this year, your latest hioliday suggests no holiday next year either so iis it 2 years of no joint holiday

I think he is allowed to suggest that he uses his "pot" to pay for you both, you can graciously accept a true gift

but if you think it is more a loan that you have to scrimp on clothes coffees etc to pay back or that you will be reminded endlessly he paid for your 2024 holiday then I think i would be hesitant in accepting the offer and I agree I would never put a holiday on a credit card.

long term you need to discuss things as you will only ever be able to afford things from income so if costs go up your ability to save will go down and so your choices of things to do jointly will depend on your disposable income as you have no pot to raid ( emergency funds are for rainy days major emergencies losing your job etc) I think your DH may not understand this fully as he has a backup over and above a reasonable emergency fund. you have to cut your cloth according to means so he has to accept your means are different to his

perhaps he needs you to explain again that you can only spend what you can afford, and your activities have to met with this and that limits your options

if one person has 100k in savings and the other 8k taking £1000 from savings is very different percentage wise, Having 99k (instead of 100K) in a 5% account will be worth about £104K in a year's time ( so still 4k more than before) however the other person at the same interest rate will have gone from 7000 (instead of 8000) to 7350 ie they are still £650 worse off a year later and the disparity which was 92K is now 96,650. So this is why the OP is probably so reluctant to use her emergency fund which needs to grow not shrink and is also probably why her DH doesn't understand why using her savings or credit card is such a big deal

Nope purchase was from 2024 fund, we've had a 2023 holiday. No holiday 2024, back to saving for 2025.

OP posts:

DaphneMoo · 30/10/2023 17:00

I have separate finances and I understand why you do but I don't understand why your dh won't pay for the whole holiday if he wants one with you

friendlycat · 30/10/2023 17:00

I don't really get the point of your thread OP because it's all rather obvious.

You told your DH that you wanted to spend your saved holiday money on a purchase for you, that would then result in you having no holiday fund money.

He accepted your decision and you made your mystery purchase.

You now have no holiday funds money.

Your DH is looking at holidays that you have no money to go on as you have separate finances. Fair enough if that's how you work your finances.

If he wants a holiday he then has choices:
He goes on his own
He goes with a mate
He funds your half of the holiday as well as his.
Or he has no holiday

Surely you just explain that to him?

Didimum · 30/10/2023 17:01

OP's question is quite literally 'Is my DH reasonable to be annoyed that I spent money that he agreed I could spend?' and I feel like only 5% of replied have answered that. Why are replies giving OP an invented problem and an invented solution?

Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 17:02

Well, I think everybody is agreed that he is being unreasonable.

Ace56 · 30/10/2023 17:03

Hah, well hasn’t this turned into a bun fight 😂. OP is free to split her finances however she sees fit! Nothing wrong with separate finances especially with no kids.

However this is a bit of a non-issue OP. Every time he shows you a new holiday he’s found just say ‘Ive told you already that I can’t afford it, but looks great if you’re willing to pay my £1500! Otherwise, no.’

Justgorgeous · 30/10/2023 17:10

Sounds like a stressful marriage. My husband would just pay for me.

Prelapsarianhag · 30/10/2023 17:11

I get you OP, I think he want you to take out a loan. Sod that.

Why are some posters on this thread so goady? - They could start a fight in an empty room.