Page 13 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

SecondRow · 30/10/2023 16:21

What does he say when you remind him you're not going this year so what is he hoping to achieve by showing you holidays? I don't care what you spent the money on so please indulge this question!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:22

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:09

If we choose to have children then a new discussion about finances will take place. It obviously changes things.

Why would having children make it more acceptable to share finances?

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 30/10/2023 16:23

I haven't rtft so ignore if said already. But is this actually holiday money or money you save? Like money which is always ring fenced for a holiday with your husband? I get you had your conversation previous to your purchase and he agreed which therefore makes you nbu but it comes across like the only extra chunk of money you have every year is designated for a holiday with your husband.

Is this something which you both agreed you would always try to make funds for to do? It seems a bit off you have to always have money for a holiday every year with him when you could want to do something else. Of course this is irrelevant if you have other savings.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:23

@Lastchancechica I find your opinion interesting but very very misguided. I have very high standards for myself and DH. So much so that I won't drop them and take money from PIL that they clearly don't want me to have.

I will not be trapped and pregnant - please don't assume this bullshit.

Perhaps we agree to disagree and you take your judgemental and patronising opinion elsewhere.

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BlueEyedPeanut · 30/10/2023 16:23

Just say to him that if he really wants you both to go on a holiday he will have to pay for it because you don't have any money this year.

I don't understand people's obsession with joint finances and pooling money. It's great having your own money. You don't have to get permission to spend big money on yourself.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:23

Cheap with money, cheap with love.

Pigeon31 · 30/10/2023 16:23

Well, if you already told him there wasn't going to be a family holiday this year and he wasn't paying attention then it's on him isn't it?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:24

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:23

@Lastchancechica I find your opinion interesting but very very misguided. I have very high standards for myself and DH. So much so that I won't drop them and take money from PIL that they clearly don't want me to have.

I will not be trapped and pregnant - please don't assume this bullshit.

Perhaps we agree to disagree and you take your judgemental and patronising opinion elsewhere.

He doesn't want you to have money, his parents - your mother and father in law - don't want you to have money, but you rationalise this as your own "high standards"?

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:25

I have my own savings account with money set aside for holiday. There is not a huge amount of money in there but enough for an emergency. I took the money from the 2024 holiday fund to buy my Mystery Purchase. I will start that pot again for 2025 holiday. I will not use my emergency fund or credit card debt to buy a holiday we had previously agreed would not happen as I was spending the money on Mystery Purchase.

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user1477249785 · 30/10/2023 16:26

I am endlessly fascinated by the small mindedness that assumes there is only one way to do marriage. So people split their finances differently? So what? It shows a real failure of imagination to think you can judge something about the strength of their marriage from that.

PartyPartyYeah · 30/10/2023 16:26

He has a pool of money from parents? What? You're married!!

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:26

His money from his parents is not my money.

My high standards are mine and will remain so.

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Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:27

@PartyPartyYeah welcome to the thread :-)

OP posts:

Sugarfish · 30/10/2023 16:27

Some posters will really turn any thread into a LTB situation!

A man who wants to spend some time away with his wife, would most likely pay for it, doesn’t control her finances or give her permission to buy what she wants. What an absolute monster!

OP is there any chance he’s trying to get you to ask him to pay for the holiday as he’s knows you’d say no if he suggested it?

Also, I wouldn’t tell what you spent the money on. I get the feeling some people are just waiting for you to say so they can rip you apart for it.

sangriapeople · 30/10/2023 16:28

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:17

What's odd? I haven't asked him to pay as I'm not bothered about having a holiday. If he wants me to go badly enough then he has the funds to pay but I'm not even sure if I'd accept.

The fact that he keeps asking you is odd.

You have told him you have no money.

He either pays for you or he doesn't. I would have lost my shit with him by now if he kept prodding...

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:28

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:25

I have my own savings account with money set aside for holiday. There is not a huge amount of money in there but enough for an emergency. I took the money from the 2024 holiday fund to buy my Mystery Purchase. I will start that pot again for 2025 holiday. I will not use my emergency fund or credit card debt to buy a holiday we had previously agreed would not happen as I was spending the money on Mystery Purchase.

It's not us you need to convince, OP.

PartyPartyYeah · 30/10/2023 16:28

I'm going to get some inheritance soon, i wouldn't dream of saying to my husband it's only mine!

Outliers · 30/10/2023 16:28

At first I thought he was unreasonable, but after reading your responses it's clear YABU based on the arrangement of your relationship.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 30/10/2023 16:28

I think you need to be blunt with him, that while your earned incomes are similar, he has extra money due to the wealth of his parents, etc that you don't. You don't have family money to dip into, so you have to make choices sometimes, you can't do everything.

You chose to do something other than spend money on a holiday this year. You're fine with that. If he's not, then he treats the two of you without ever saying another word about it or expecting you to contribute, or he goes by himself or with others (which he can afford to do several times a year and does do anyway). You're fine not going, though, so be clear about that.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:30

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:09

If we choose to have children then a new discussion about finances will take place. It obviously changes things.

It didn’t change things for us. Maternity leave was considered a joint expense which we both contributed half towards and then when I went back after maternity leave, we both contributed half towards nursery fees.

CKL987 · 30/10/2023 16:32

It seems quite simple to me. If he wants to go on holiday with you so much he needs to pay for it.

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 16:33

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2023 15:15

So what would make it a marriage? DH and I have been together over a decade, have three kids together and are happy. Do WE also not have a marriage because our finances aren't shared? Did I miss that part of the vows?

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Well I've not commented on your situation as I've no idea but looks like I touched a nerve 🤷‍♀️ If your DH wouldn't pay for your holiday, or anything else you needed/wanted, despite having the resources, but went on repeated holidays with friends when you didn't have enough money then to answer your question, yes I wouldn't think that was much of a marriage 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:33

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:30

It didn’t change things for us. Maternity leave was considered a joint expense which we both contributed half towards and then when I went back after maternity leave, we both contributed half towards nursery fees.

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Yes this is the sort of arrangement I'd expect but as I mentioned, it's currently hypothetical as I have zero maternal feelings. This could change.

OP posts:

SecondRow · 30/10/2023 16:34

H: shows holiday
OP: nice but I'm not going
H: ...?

What happens, OP? Where does the conversation go?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 16:34

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 16:30

It didn’t change things for us. Maternity leave was considered a joint expense which we both contributed half towards and then when I went back after maternity leave, we both contributed half towards nursery fees.

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You were expected to pay half the bills while on mat leave and mat pay, looking after the new baby and recovering from labour?