Page 12 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

TravelInHope · 30/10/2023 15:54

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 15:50

Any decent man keen on taking his wife for a holiday would bloody well pay for it!!
Is he so miserly and mean that he won’t even stretch to this as a one off????

I can’t fathom why you would choose to be with such a wealthy tight arse still attached to his mothers financial nipple.

Its spectacularly unattractive.

Dig in, say no, hold your line and tell him to go on his own.
Reconsider your future with someone so lacking in basic generosity, and definitely DONT have children. It will incapacitate your earning power, and he will do nothing to contribute in any way.
Get some bullet proof birth control.

Absolutely. Lots of red flags. Change the locks and dump his stuff on the lawn. Time to move on.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 15:55

gannett · 30/10/2023 15:46

The more I read MNers who feel entitled to pool money with their husbands the more glad I am not to do it. We have a joint account that bills and mortgage payments come out of and the rest stays in our individual accounts (roughly equal earners). Being in a long-term relationship (not married either, heaven forfend) doesn't entitle him to access my money as and when he feels like it, or vice versa.

Having said that the joint account is also used for holiday money. We prioritise going away with each other at least once a year because we both like to travel and it's a great way to connect. I don't think either of us would be impressed if the other were to pass up a holiday to do something just for us. That suggestion would definitely call for a strongly-worded discussion.

It seems as though OP's husband's extra money is in his savings account so I don't especially blame him for not wanting to dip into it. However if going on holiday with her is so important the time to object was obviously when she originally told him. He may not like that she's spent her holiday fund but what's done is done now. He's being very obtuse about it.

Is there absolutely no way to do a slightly cheaper or shorter holiday though?

Everyone has a different outlook though. Neither is neccessarily wrong. It's circumstances like this where things come unstuck. OP is happy not to share finances and not to go on holiday. He's the one not listening. Like i said before, in my own case, we pooled everything. And i earned twice what he did so i wasn't taking advantage. That suited us, we went on hols but i would have paid more money towards them. But i was happy to. That worked for me, but it must be difficult when you've agreed not to pool finances and then have competing aims for spending. As is the case here. Have to say, i really don't like his attitude. It feels to me like bullying.

TravelInHope · 30/10/2023 15:57

Remember, if you do separate, you get half his money. Might be the right time to do it now?

Autumnvibes23 · 30/10/2023 15:58

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 15:53

Because in my marriage we are equal. We pool money, have the same amount of holidays and work equally hard.

I think resentment would soon kick in if one half had a much more lavish life than the other. The point of marriage is to share a life together.

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The OP did say she isn't as keen on holidays as he is. My ex-DH went to a music festival with friends as it wasn't my kind of music. Perhaps OP also does things with friends that her DH isn't so keen on.

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 15:59

TravelInHope · 30/10/2023 15:54

Absolutely. Lots of red flags. Change the locks and dump his stuff on the lawn. Time to move on.

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I would literally do that too.
There is no future in this relationship beyond inequality, resentment and simmering tension.

You can not possibly bring children into this ‘arrangement’

I can only imagine his parents have coached him into preserving his wealth and family money at op’s expense. I bet you he is virtually penniless in name.

Run for the hills. Do not have children with this miser under any circumstance.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 15:59

If you love someone, surely you want to live up to your income instead of down to theirs?

You're legally committed to each other, supposedly in love, a life partnership and team. Why wouldn't you want the best for both of you, that you can do together?

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:00

I thought the majority of posts on Mumsnet were for the poster to ask advice of a group of like minded individuals, not necessarily always agreeing, but to bounce around a concept to see differing points of view.

Some posters seem to think you can only post if you have a "very valid' in their opinion, reason for posting. So my AIBU is not worthy because I haven't divulged what the "Mystery Purchase" as a PP called it, was. It doesn't matter if it was a donation towards cancer treatment for my closest nephew, or a new set of fancy tyres for my sportscar (it was neither), the point is that DH agreed and then u-turned.

I'll bear this viewpoint in mind next time I read about the very valid toddler tantrum, or school girl fall out that seems to be allowed.

Thanks everyone it definitely got us talking.

OP posts:

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:01

Autumnvibes23 · 30/10/2023 15:58

The OP did say she isn't as keen on holidays as he is. My ex-DH went to a music festival with friends as it wasn't my kind of music. Perhaps OP also does things with friends that her DH isn't so keen on.

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A music festival is somewhat different to several holidays and a financial power imbalance such as this one.

Windinmyhair · 30/10/2023 16:02

I get the separate money
i get not wanting to get into debt over the holiday.

what I don’t get it not wanting him to pay for you. If he wants a holiday with his wife but you don’t have the funds, he can pay for the thing he wants just as you could pay for whatever it is you bought. A holiday is not your first choice right now but it is his. If he wants a holiday with you rather than just a holiday alone, he can pay.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:02

LOL and double LOL the LTB and do not have children with this loser comments have started!

OP posts:

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 30/10/2023 16:02

Wakk · 30/10/2023 14:24

Not sure why you don't just ask him why he's showing you holidays when you've already spunked your money

OP hasn't spunked her money, she spent it on something for her which when discussed, husband was OK with. He's now changed his mind

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:05

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:00

I thought the majority of posts on Mumsnet were for the poster to ask advice of a group of like minded individuals, not necessarily always agreeing, but to bounce around a concept to see differing points of view.

Some posters seem to think you can only post if you have a "very valid' in their opinion, reason for posting. So my AIBU is not worthy because I haven't divulged what the "Mystery Purchase" as a PP called it, was. It doesn't matter if it was a donation towards cancer treatment for my closest nephew, or a new set of fancy tyres for my sportscar (it was neither), the point is that DH agreed and then u-turned.

I'll bear this viewpoint in mind next time I read about the very valid toddler tantrum, or school girl fall out that seems to be allowed.

Thanks everyone it definitely got us talking.

Do you find his attachment to his mothers financial nipple attractive?

Given his adult position is that of a petulant five year old determined to hold on to all of his sweeties, because he is incapable of sharing and his mother told him not to.

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:07

I call a reverse peeps!!!!!!

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:08

@Lastchancechica what his mother and father chose to do with their money is nothing to do with me. Nor is it my business what DH chooses to do with the money gifted to him. I would feel this way if the roles were reversed and I had the big savings pot so can't be a hypocrite.

I also feel a bit sick at your first sentence.

OP posts:

indianwoman · 30/10/2023 16:08

What will happen and you have a baby and can't work. Will you and your kids never go on holiday because you can't afford it? Or if you became ill and couldn't work?

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:08

Not a reverse at all. Definitely not.

OP posts:

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:09

If we choose to have children then a new discussion about finances will take place. It obviously changes things.

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 30/10/2023 16:10

@OverratedHoliday

I think the real question to me, given the prior agreement between the 2 of you, is why your DH is unwilling to pay for you to go on holiday?

He would rather see you in debt than pay for you - have I got this correct?

indianwoman · 30/10/2023 16:10

How do you know it will change if he doesn't offer to pay for your holiday too if he wants you to go? It seems the most obvious basic thing that he is not even offering.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:12

We're not planning on having children so it's currently irrelevant but if that changes we will discuss. It's hypothetical.

OP posts:

sangriapeople · 30/10/2023 16:15

He's either going to pay for you or he isn't. How odd.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 16:16

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:09

If we choose to have children then a new discussion about finances will take place. It obviously changes things.

You'd be best to have those discussions well before you consider having kids. I know it sounds patronising AF, and i do apologise, but i come from a family where my mother had nothing to feed us with. BC dad felt his spending was the priority. This is obvs projecting, and probably not in any way relevant, but do have the conversations. And always have access to your own money as you do now.

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:17

What's odd? I haven't asked him to pay as I'm not bothered about having a holiday. If he wants me to go badly enough then he has the funds to pay but I'm not even sure if I'd accept.

OP posts:

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:18

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 16:08

@Lastchancechica what his mother and father chose to do with their money is nothing to do with me. Nor is it my business what DH chooses to do with the money gifted to him. I would feel this way if the roles were reversed and I had the big savings pot so can't be a hypocrite.

I also feel a bit sick at your first sentence.

Maybe if you raised your standards and expected your new dh to treat you as an equal he might step up? And have a shared life truly together - not a house mate arrangement.

What is so precious about his mothers savings pot? That he would rather his wife got into credit card debt than offer to pay once in a blue moon?

Good luck renegotiating once you are trapped and pregnant, there is no way this man has your back op.

I have been on MN for decades and seen this situation play out over and again, the trust and naive assumption the miser will come good. No he won’t. They never do.
You will be scraping the bottom of your overdraft funding nappies whilst trying to hold down a full time job, whilst he kicks back in Mustique.

For goodness sake open your eyes. Look at who he is, not who you want him to be.

NumberTheory · 30/10/2023 16:20

OP it may be that he doesn’t really expect you to go on holiday (though he’d obviously like to). He may just really like the run up to holidays with you. Thinking about all the possibilities, planning what you’re going to do, fantasizing about how hot/exciting/beautiful it’s going to be. A big escape from the day to day.

Anticipation is a significant part of enjoyment for most treats. A study some years ago found that people were happier in the planning and run up to a holiday than just after going.

Maybe he’s just so used to having that to look forward to at this time of year that he can’t stop looking. You could just join in the fantasizing a bit. “Yes that would be lovely!” “Ohh look at the gorgeous pool.” “What about their resort in Antigua? Have you seen the swim up rooms?” Etc. But at the end always, ultimately, smile sadly and say “Wish I could, maybe we should do that next year.” And try not to see it as a big issue.

If this is what’s driving him then planning next year’s trip early might help. Or, if you can afford it and want to, a weekend trip somewhere in lieu of your normal holiday together, which will give him something to look forward to.