I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP what does he say when you ask him to stop showing you the holidays/saying you won’t be going with him?

DH and I don't have pooled resources. We have a holiday fund apparently but only DH pays in to as he earns lots more. DH is very pleased by the amount he saves into it but frankly it more for his benefit so he knows he has some ringfenced.
If we want a holiday and nothing is in the pot we would just go anyway and each pay according to our circumstances at the time.

I'm with you, OP. DH and I don't pool our money. We put money into a joint account, which more than covers all outgoings such as mortgage etc. If we need to make a big purchase, we discuss and each add extra to the joint account.

I don't want to pool finances with DH. He earns a bit more but he is a spender, I am a saver.

I have my plans for my savings, including buying a holiday home.

We still have the benefits of marriage, and if I die everything goes to DH and vice versa.

I think he is trying to wear you down into paying for this holiday on your credit card. Say no!

He can...he could pay for him and the OP to go. The OP has said this clearly in their posts.

I wonder if his selective hearing stems from being from a wealthy family? And that he therefore applies a different meaning to the word 'budget' than you do.

To you, 'budget' is an amount of money that you save/set aside for a particular purpose. A physical amount of cash (albeit in an account). When you have spent that physical cash, there is no more.

Perhaps to wealthy-background DH, "budget" means 'planned expenditure'. So if he budgets for something, that's what he plans to spend - but his actual spending is not restricted to his planned spending. In his wealthy-background head, more can be found if he wants to. You said "he can afford to do a lot of things if he wants to that I can't" - I wonder if this is at the root of this? "If he wants to", he has/finds the money, and he presumes that everyone else can. He doesn't see money as a finite resource that can run out whether you want it or not.

So, when you "asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed" - he didn't actually make the connection from his fuzzy 'planned spending' to your definite 'actual spending'. Somehow, he thought you could move money around, draw on your savings, wizard it up somehow.

"I think he'd like me to put it on a credit card."
Which would be fine if the bill was paid in full next month, but it's clear you wouldn't be able to do that - so it's a very bad idea. I wouldn't.

"I have told him several times I can no longer afford a holiday this year. He seems to not hear it and continue to look at holidays and show me them."
He'd be getting the rough end of my tongue for that. You've said you can't afford it, continuing to press you to spend money you don't have is unthinking, uncaring, and - makes him look a little bit thick. To not be able to see that few people have bottomless funds at their disposal, to be spent on a whim, is really quite self-absorbed and unobservant.

I'd give it one last go at pointing out that you cannot afford a holiday, and that you told him that earlier this year.

'We talked about this when I was deciding whether or not to do [whatever], doing [whatever] meant I wouldn't be able to afford a holiday this year. I don't understand why you keep showing me holidays I won't be going on.'

Paint him into a corner. Make him spell it out exactly how he expects you to afford this holiday. Then shoot his unworkable ideas down. (No, I don't have £1500 I already spent it on [whatever], no a credit card would just make it more expensive and I still don't have the money etc. etc.)

He can go on holiday with friends, as he has done before. Yes, he wants to go with you - but he can't. As you told him earlier this year.

I really would be giving him side-eye for his lack of financial intelligence, and for trying to pressurise me into debt.

You say you used your holiday fund. Does that mean your thing is paid for or are you still paying for it using the money you would have otherwise saved?
I read it as the former, so unless your DH wishes to depart immediately, just pick a date and a budget to book, eg "DH by March/April/May, I'll have £X back in the kitty and we could get away for a (cheap) holiday then."

But she said 'No'. She has her reasons. I'm really uncomfortable that he won't accept this. Just my opinion obviously, but i hate that idea that women just need to be cajoled into the only acceptable answer for the man. No means no.

I think @laclochette has the right take on it - this is a communication and relationship issue where he might intellectually understand that you have a holiday budget but can't really understand that the money is now gone and there is no more (for now).

Speaking as someone who grew up comfortably without money worries, I always just asked my parents for what I needed and it was forthcoming as long as it was reasonable - so I probably would have been like your DH when younger, oh there's always money, if you really want to do something. And if you're saying there's no money left in the budget it's just because you don't want to prioritise it, you could find the money if you wanted so if you're saying "no holiday" it's really "I don't actually want to go on holiday (with you)".

Of course with age and maturity I no longer think this way but I certainly did as a thoughtless teenager!

I think also the reason people keep asking about what it was that you spent the money on is because of what @laclochette points out in the final paragraph - it does have a bearing on which one of you is being unreasonable (or maybe neither of you are!) if he is behaving this way, if the thing you spent the money on is making him feel threatened/undermined or prioritised emotionally over him etc. Or if the thing you spent money on is an essential, it makes his reaction more unreasonable than if you spent money on a holiday with someone else instead of him (for example) and now he's feeling hurt that you chose the holiday with the other person instead. You don't need to say what it is, but I do think that's why people keep going on about it.

So basically, you now feel under subtle pressure?

Can you ask him the question? What do want me to do? Or, are you hinting I should put it on a credit card.? Then you have the opportunity to remind him, that you won't be getting into debt.

Maybe you also need the conversation now. Where you point out that he has a savings pot, you will never have that, and this could be a recurring theme. So he needs to get used to it.

I'm surprised his parents are giving him money just for him now that he's married.

Your threads getting derailed a bit here OP. Just let the conversation go like this.

"Looks nice DH, are you planning on going with Clive or Steve"
If he says you...
"Well remember I don't have the money as I spent it on X. Are you going to lend it me/cover me"
If he says no...
"Well it's not possible for me then, speak to Clive/Steve about it"

Rinse and repeat

I don’t see anything wrong with that, he is their child, not OP.

@SurprisedWithAHorse

Worry about you? No thanks.

Lack of literacy?
Your posts are far from perfectly written but as long term poster, I appreciate that English is not everyone's first language or like me, many type in a hurry or don't check for typos.

What's your excuse I wonder?
Do ensure in future your posts are perfectly written, I'm cringing that you're sneering at others 😂

I could not be with someone like this op.

Walk away. Seriously.

You are very unintentionally funny. Carry on.

Nor would I as a married person be remotely comfortable with him taking SEVERAL holidays with friends!

@Icefoot

theyre not uneven though

op says they earn about the same

The very last sentence says it all!! he is able to pay for you because he has the money!! but you say you dont want him to pay for you, so what exactly is it that you want?? do you even know????????

@Lastchancechica

why?

Apart from your sanity, and situations like this. If you get divorced, do you both think you'll get to keep 'your money' or do you think you'll be forced to make an equitable settlement?

The more I read MNers who feel entitled to pool money with their husbands the more glad I am not to do it. We have a joint account that bills and mortgage payments come out of and the rest stays in our individual accounts (roughly equal earners). Being in a long-term relationship (not married either, heaven forfend) doesn't entitle him to access my money as and when he feels like it, or vice versa.

Having said that the joint account is also used for holiday money. We prioritise going away with each other at least once a year because we both like to travel and it's a great way to connect. I don't think either of us would be impressed if the other were to pass up a holiday to do something just for us. That suggestion would definitely call for a strongly-worded discussion.

It seems as though OP's husband's extra money is in his savings account so I don't especially blame him for not wanting to dip into it. However if going on holiday with her is so important the time to object was obviously when she originally told him. He may not like that she's spent her holiday fund but what's done is done now. He's being very obtuse about it.

Is there absolutely no way to do a slightly cheaper or shorter holiday though?

Any decent man keen on taking his wife for a holiday would bloody well pay for it!!
Is he so miserly and mean that he won’t even stretch to this as a one off????

I can’t fathom why you would choose to be with such a wealthy tight arse still attached to his mothers financial nipple.

Its spectacularly unattractive.

Dig in, say no, hold your line and tell him to go on his own.
Reconsider your future with someone so lacking in basic generosity, and definitely DONT have children. It will incapacitate your earning power, and he will do nothing to contribute in any way.
Get some bullet proof birth control.

You're equal earners. How would you feel if he earned more than you?

Once you're married, you are legally entitled to share money. That's literally what it means. You can split it up as you like day to day but if the marriage dissolves, legally it's all one pot to start the divvying up based on certain factors.

If the thought of pooled finances is such a horror, you really shouldn't get married. It's not a legal contract to stay in love.

Yeah, what an asshole. Thick as pigshit too if he can’t get his head around that. You have your plans, perhaps time to move on?

Because in my marriage we are equal. We pool money, have the same amount of holidays and work equally hard.

I think resentment would soon kick in if one half had a much more lavish life than the other. The point of marriage is to share a life together.