Page 10 | I've spent my holiday fund

OverratedHoliday · 2023-10-30T12:52:00+00:00

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed. He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost. AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Orange67 · 30/10/2023 14:49

Didimum · 30/10/2023 14:47

What does it have to do with the post though?

Show quote history

That having separate finances but asking whether it's okay to spend your own money a certain way sounds odd to me. A marriage with seperate finances but having to justify your spending doesn't sound right to me.
As I posted in my first comment.

Quitelikeit · 30/10/2023 14:51

I’ll tell you what is baffling - that a seemingly sensible couple have this discussion and that the situation was accepted and agreed, yet here you are posting this mindless issue

I mean what is your point? You think he expects you to magic the cash out of thin air? In which case he isn’t that sensible at all?

Honestly I can’t even understand where he is intellectually if he cannot grasp you don’t have the money

All you have done is argue with other things you’ve disagreed with from other posters hmmmm

Enjoy work

Itsnotchristmasyet · 30/10/2023 14:51

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 14:41

This isn't a marriage, it's two people pooling some resources to save costs with the benefit of sex (possibly), trust me you have bigger issues than this holiday 💐

I personally wouldn’t want to share my money with a man who I didn’t have children with.

My money is my own to do what I please with.

I would consider paying for the holiday for the both of us as a one off but it would depend on how much he earns and whether he wastes his money or not.

crumblingschools · 30/10/2023 14:51

If it had been a for a health reason I would see no reason why the partner wouldn't treat his wife to a holiday, if her savings had been spent that way

ManateeFair · 30/10/2023 14:52

I'm not sure why you need anyone else's advice here?

You previously agreed, together, that you wouldn't have a holiday as a couple because you wanted to spend the money on this other mystery thing for yourself. Now he is suggesting that you have a holiday as a couple. So just remind him that you'd previously agreed you'd be spending your money on Mystery Thing instead.

He seems to not hear it and continue to look at holidays and show me them.

So continue to tell him, very firmly and clearly, that you can't pay for any kind of holiday because (as previously agreed) you spent your money on Mystery Thing. There's nothing else you can do, clearly. What else would you expect anyone to suggest?!

Do you think maybe you're not the best at communicating? Because this whole thread has been like pulling teeth and I wonder if you have not been as clear with your husband as you seem to think you have.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 30/10/2023 14:53

Orange67 · 30/10/2023 14:49

That having separate finances but asking whether it's okay to spend your own money a certain way sounds odd to me. A marriage with seperate finances but having to justify your spending doesn't sound right to me.
As I posted in my first comment.

Show quote history

I agree but I think that was just giving him a heads up that she can’t go on holiday this year.

Asking his permission to spend her own money would indeed be odd and a massive red flag.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 14:54

Catusrusty · 30/10/2023 14:40

I disagree with this.

I would be upset if my husband had left himself so short that we couldn't enjoy a family holiday if he had spent the money on a frivolity. If he had spent in on something meaningful, say a private operation to beat NHS waiting times then that would have my full support.

So I can't judge because to me, the thing does matter.

Oh and I'm married and don't have pooled finances.

Show quote history

But initially, her DH wasn’t upset. It’s just now that she’s spent her money that he is acting like this.

Didimum · 30/10/2023 14:56

Orange67 · 30/10/2023 14:49

That having separate finances but asking whether it's okay to spend your own money a certain way sounds odd to me. A marriage with seperate finances but having to justify your spending doesn't sound right to me.
As I posted in my first comment.

Show quote history

Do you not discuss large purchases with your partner before going ahead? 'Your own money' does not mean that you do not respect that the money is not spent at solely one person's will and decision. That's far too literal.

BurbleBumleBleep · 30/10/2023 14:56

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 14:41

This isn't a marriage, it's two people pooling some resources to save costs with the benefit of sex (possibly), trust me you have bigger issues than this holiday 💐

That's a ridiculous comment. You have no idea what else they do or don't contribute to the relationship.
Why pool money unless you need to?
Even if it isn't a marriage in your eyes ( and I guess the law sees the marriage certificate as proof it is) there's a considerable amount of real marriages that go tits up. Shared finances and all.

Yes DH should pay for your both because you were both happy to forgo it at the time.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 14:56

He knows she doesn't have the money, and she had discussed it with him previously. Harping on at her is really annoying.

Quitelikeit · 30/10/2023 14:57

Well if he’s annoying her she could maybe have a conversation with him instead of coming here? It’s not like she wants advice - more attention by the looks of it

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 14:58

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 14:41

This isn't a marriage, it's two people pooling some resources to save costs with the benefit of sex (possibly), trust me you have bigger issues than this holiday 💐

Of course it’s a marriage, it’s just probably a different marriage to yours.

It’s ridiculous to think that marriage means only the marriage you have. It clearly is different for different couples.

ManchesterLu · 30/10/2023 15:00

He agreed that you could buy the mysterious thing (for goodness sake, why not just say?) instead of going on holiday. His choices are either to stick to what he agreed, or to pay for the whole holiday himself. Entirely up to him either way.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 15:01

Quitelikeit · 30/10/2023 14:57

Well if he’s annoying her she could maybe have a conversation with him instead of coming here? It’s not like she wants advice - more attention by the looks of it

It's a board for advice. It perfectly reasonable to bounce the idea around here if you're not sure if you're being reasonable or not.

CharlotteBog · 30/10/2023 15:02

I have read only OP's posts.

YANBU if this is how your marriage works.
I don't understand it and it seems nor does your DH so that's the discussion you need to have; to remind him what separate finances mean to you both.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 30/10/2023 15:08

TedMullins · 30/10/2023 12:59

Why can’t he pay for you or at least cover some of the cost and you pay him back? That’s what my partner and I do. I earn more and want to go on more holidays than he can afford so I pay for them upfront and he pays me back in instalments or pays for all good and drink on the holiday

Wow. I couldn't imagine 'owing' my DH money and actually having to pay him back. But then we pool our money. We're in a marriage, not a house share.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/10/2023 15:08

You need a separate bank account just for holiday savings, easy enough to set up in a few clicks if you have online banking. You both pay into it and both agree that it's ONLY or holidays and no other big purchases. You could also do one for bills. Anything else is your own money, and it's THAT which you could save up for big purchases of your own choosing which only benefits you.

gamerchick · 30/10/2023 15:09

OP ignore the people who keep banging on about one pot of money when married. There is no law that says you have to pool money. Me and husband don't, it's nobodies business but ours.

However one of us wouldn't sit on a pot of coin whole the other one goes short. So with that in mind I suggest you look your husband in the eye and say ' stop going on about holidays. I can't afford it, I'm not getting in debt for it. If you want me to go then you'll have to pay for the whole thing, or go on your own. So STFU about holidays.'

Then give him a hard stare and no comment if he brings it up again. He's short sighted and those types need a blunt, to the point conversation.

SomeCatFromJapan · 30/10/2023 15:11

Wow. I couldn't imagine 'owing' my DH money and actually having to pay him back. But then we pool our money.

Right? It's definitely not my experience of marriage.
DH and I do actually have our own accounts and split bills rather than a joint current account, but that's just because we never bothered changing the original setup. In practice, whoever pays for something is whoever reaches for their card first or has the healthiest current account balance at the time. Savings are moved to the highest interest account without worrying about whose name is technically on it.
We're a team.

Autumnvibes23 · 30/10/2023 15:11

I always find some people on MN so nosy! Always digging for more information and wanting to discuss something that isn't the point of the post!

I think as you say he's hoping to tempt you to put it on a credit card or something. I think you need to be clear you won't do that. I think the options are either he lends you the money (but I imagine you'd not want to get into debt even like that) or he pays for you. Otherwise he needs to stop bugging you!

CharlotteRumpling · 30/10/2023 15:12

@gamerchick us poolers and bangers on already said this about 50 posts ago but her husband doesnt get it.

Maybe a loan then as pp does?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 15:13

If you want to go on holiday with your wife and she hasn't got any money for half of it but you have, it's horrible to expect her to put it on a credit card and get into high interest debt rather than just pay. It's not a loving gesture. You're married.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 30/10/2023 15:15

SomeCatFromJapan · 30/10/2023 15:11

Wow. I couldn't imagine 'owing' my DH money and actually having to pay him back. But then we pool our money.

Right? It's definitely not my experience of marriage.
DH and I do actually have our own accounts and split bills rather than a joint current account, but that's just because we never bothered changing the original setup. In practice, whoever pays for something is whoever reaches for their card first or has the healthiest current account balance at the time. Savings are moved to the highest interest account without worrying about whose name is technically on it.
We're a team.

I couldn't imagine being married to someone that could actually be so stingy as to take money off me when I had less money too. Or being married to someone that wouldn't say, you spent yours, I'll pay for it all, if we had the same set up as op.

Maybe he is just taking it as a given that he'll pay all of this years holiday? And thats why he's suggesting places?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2023 15:15

Firebug007 · 30/10/2023 14:41

This isn't a marriage, it's two people pooling some resources to save costs with the benefit of sex (possibly), trust me you have bigger issues than this holiday 💐

So what would make it a marriage? DH and I have been together over a decade, have three kids together and are happy. Do WE also not have a marriage because our finances aren't shared? Did I miss that part of the vows?

coveredindoghairs · 30/10/2023 15:15

I don't understand the point of this thread, unless you simply wanted to vent, OP.

You don't have the money and can't afford the holiday. You've explained this to your husband. He either doesn't want to pay for you to go or you would refuse to allow him to do so, so that's not an option. You don't want to go into debt to go on this holiday.

There's really no solution without one or both of you budging on the finances. In that situation, I'd just lay it all out on the table and ask him why he continues to talk about holiday options when it's already been settled that you can't go.

Apparently you're okay with the financial split, but I wouldn't like being married to someone who wouldn't offer to take me on the holiday himself, if he can easily afford it, especially when he's the one who particularly wants to go on holiday together. If nothing else, this could be his Christmas gift to you/for the the both of you.