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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t call grandchild by his name

582 replies

Blyther · 29/10/2023 22:18

our grandchild (5 months) has an unusual name. It’s a made up name which is a bit ‘out there’- think along the lines of ‘starry-Skye’ or ‘misty-bridge’. Our daughter in law is a bit whacky.

It’s of course entirely up to the parents to choose the name of their child but my husband won’t even say his name as it makes him cringe so much. He refers to the baby as ‘the little one’ or will call him by his middle name.

It’s now become apparent to the parents how he refuses to use his name and it’s causing an atmosphere. I just don’t know what to say to them as I completely understand his point and feel very sorry about the potential bullying he (the baby) is likely to encounter further down the road.

Advice on moving forward please.

OP posts:
Safxxx · 30/10/2023 08:02

The other day I saw a post of a DIL complaining about the in-laws not calling their child by the name and calling it a baby only. As you can tell it's upsetting for any parents when names are not being used.
Unfortunately whether he likes it or not the name is staying and it's his name...so start using it, tell him to say it out loud and repeat it when his not around to get used to it so it won't be too difficult to call him by his name when he sees him.
Not worth the arguments so get used to it

flowerr · 30/10/2023 08:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

ClairDeLaLune · 30/10/2023 08:03

Is it Button Bear OP? We need to know!

So awkward. My cousin’s niece has a terrible name, she just calls her the baby or Baby but she’s nearly 2 now and she knows she has to start using the name but just can’t!

Carmargo · 30/10/2023 08:05

I think in certain countries there is a state approved list of names.
As regards children, I'm with this all the way. 100%. If the child wants to change it as an adult to something wacky, they can.
Your dil sounds a nightmare. You've
raised a wet blanket son who is totally led by his wife.
She'll divorce him any way as he is so weak and he foolishly believes that doing everything she wants will make her 'happy'. If she's using him for resources she'll cheat anyway and pour scorn on it as his type 'forgives' such transgressions making him more worthy of contempt.

The kid will then have bigger problems than its stupid fucking name.

Utterly weak dad, domineering mother.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. Like rearranging the tables while the Titanic's sinking.

What is it anyway? I hate these posts where the OP half says stuff because it's outing. Nobody gives a toss and frankly if it IS that bizarre and unusual your dh has a point.

There must be a shortening of the name that is acceptable but unless you tell what it is, no random on the Internet can can help.

Pulverised · 30/10/2023 08:07

Him not using the name is not going to reduce the likelihood of bullying. He is being very very unreasonable.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 30/10/2023 08:08

Sayitaintso33 · 30/10/2023 06:55

This is nothing to do with you.

And even if it were, your husband is entirely right. Giving children absurd names is a ridiculous, vain affectation and one that should not be indulged.

Your husband is also right because mother's do not own children and do not get to insist on what their children are called. Most MNers wouldn't dream of insisting on a certain haircut for their toddling child, after-all her hair, her choice, but the demanding mother believes she is entitled to insist on a certain name.

Your husband might also be right because men, even neuro-divergent ones, frequently use nick-names and shortened names. If he does, you should respect male culture rather than just ride roughshod over it, encouraging the world to think you are a bullying bastard (Karen is misogynistic term I refuse to use, so I use the one applied to unbearably bossy men).

Leave your husband to live his life/ fight his own battles.

What a load of puffed up nonsense.

How do you propose that people "refuse to indulge" parents choosing a child's name you deem silly? Just not using it? Using something else?

A baby can't choose their own name - when they're older they can, but for now they need to be called something and who is better placed to choose what than their parents? You can't just have one person calling them Archibald and one calling them Phillip and one calling them Moonchild on a whim - they have a name, it should be used until a nickname the child likes naturally evolves. Personally I think calling a child John is a bit like calling them "Male Child no.4,564" but I wouldn't call them Archer or something just because I happened to like it better, because it's ridiculous to try and overrule their parents choice (and their legal birth certificate!) because some random doesn't like it. Maybe John is a beloved family member's name, or has a religious connotation to the family, or any other number of legitimate reasons you might give your precious child a super boring, undistinguished name. None of my business.

Seriously what an epically pompous post.

Clarinet1 · 30/10/2023 08:08

It’s odds on the GS will change his name ehen
he gets older - lots of celebrity children have.
Zowie Bowie - now Duncan Jones
Leaf Phoenix - went back to Joaquin Phoenix
Chastity Bono - now Chas Bono

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 30/10/2023 08:11

Also why the strange influx of red-pillers on this thread?

Princessfluffy · 30/10/2023 08:12

I think it's pretty clear that your DH doesn't value his relationship with his son, grandson or DIL very highly.

He's probably done a huge amount of damage to the relationship already, probably irreparably so. That's on him and surely he is not so foolish that he is unaware of this.

Trying to be controlling with your adult son and his wife isn't healthy and isn't being well received. It's good that your son is standing up for himself against your DH.

TheBirdintheCave · 30/10/2023 08:13

I'm autistic so I get why he's struggling with this OP. Largely we're not great at hiding how we really feel in terms of facial expressions.

Names are one of my special interests so I love it when people find underused gems with a proven etymology. My niece is an Ostara which I think a fair few people have raised eyebrows at BUT it's a real name so I've never had an issue with it even if it's not a name I'd choose myself

However, if you name your child a random combination of words or letters like Freedym-Blamanche then yeah I'm going to have a giggle about it.

Carmargo · 30/10/2023 08:13

The name is just symbolic really. Your dh is probably kicking himself for raising such a wet blanket.

Tell us the bleeding name! Lol.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 30/10/2023 08:15

Your husband sounds pretty pathetic tbh, he just needs to use the babys name and you need to stop encouraging him by using the middle name at home with him.

cptartapp · 30/10/2023 08:16

A family members child is called Rusty (on the bc).
FIL calls him Rusty nail.
I've always thought it was rude considering FIL name is absurd and only one of three in the country.

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 08:17

If the parents have chosen a ridiculous name for their poor child they are going to have to get used to that fact people find it ridiculous. Your husband needs to call the poor child by his name now and then.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 08:18

PuzzledObserver · 29/10/2023 22:27

He’ll get used to the baby’s name.

I rolled my eyes when I heard what my niece had named her baby. But I heard his name and used his name, and now it’s just his name.

This.

You do quickly get used to a name when you become familiar with it (helps) if you use it, though!)

A friend's grand-daughter was also give a "quirky" name (😬). Friend's husband was the same as yours ("WHAT? They're calling her what?!" I wouldn't call a dog XXXX!) and had to steel himself to use it, complaining to friend for the rest of the day after they'd gone home, but keeping's feelings between the two of them. Nowadays he doesn't think twice about it - and frankly, compared to some of the names out there it barely raises an eyebrow now.

Please persuade him to use the name. It's very hurtful for the parents.

Carmargo · 30/10/2023 08:21

I don't think the dh is pathetic. If it's that ridiculous, he's right to take a stand but without knowing exactly what it is it's hard to judge.

He's looking out for his grandchild.

He seems to be the only one who is.

DustyLee123 · 30/10/2023 08:23

My FIL always pronounced my DD’s name wrong, even though it’s a perfectly bog standard name, because he was a knob, and an attention seeking one at that.

Carmargo · 30/10/2023 08:24

'Hurtful for the parents'

Really? Who cares if it's hurtful for them? They're fucking idiots.

They've given their child a stupid name which will likely get it bullied at school.

Someone's got to take a stand.

DustyLee123 · 30/10/2023 08:24

I work in schools and there’s a lot of new names out there. The kids don’t see a problem with names, they accept them, and so should the adults.

Carmargo · 30/10/2023 08:25

DustyLee123 · 30/10/2023 08:23

My FIL always pronounced my DD’s name wrong, even though it’s a perfectly bog standard name, because he was a knob, and an attention seeking one at that.

Yeah but entirely different circumstance then.

DustyLee123 · 30/10/2023 08:26

Carmargo · 30/10/2023 08:25

Yeah but entirely different circumstance then.

Show quote history

Not really, it just shows that people can be knobs for all sorts of reasons. Usually selfish ones.

pineapplepinecones · 30/10/2023 08:28

Tellllll ussssss the name !!!!! Then name change !

but think your dh just has to say it 10 times a day to get used to it.

obladeeobladah · 30/10/2023 08:35

My kids have very ordinary names (I am clearly very boring) and my in-laws have never called them by their names but not because they have an issue with what I chose. It's never bothered me! They are called 'grandma's Special girl' and something equally cringeworthy that I can't even remember for the boy! The kids now cringe at it too.

They also used to call my husband by his first and middle initials when he was growing up. Can your husband do that? So

Louis-Ocean (LO)
Arsenal-Aardvark (AA- hmmmm)
Button-Jenson (BJ- maybe not!!)
Dickie-Beau (DB)
Peace-River (PR)
Farquhar-Frog (FF -though that would be eff off...)

Anyway if the kids name is rude when shortened and is an absolutely ridiculous name it's not going to just be the kids that take the kids. It's going to be all the teachers and other parents behind his back. Imagine the eye rolling and sniggering in the staff room when they read the list of names for year 7 entry. Call them what you want but remember that the kid has to apply for a passport, driving licence, jobs etc under that name. Put money on the fact he'll have changed it. If your husband and can find a decent nickname he may well be thanked by the kid

housethatbuiltme · 30/10/2023 08:41

My whole family called me just 'Bairn' all my life. My cousin was the first born then me shortly after then no more kids for decade, it was just because I was the 'baby' of the generation.

It's to the point that now I'm an adult most family members can't remember or pronounce/spell my name.

My mam never took any offense, it was seen as a term of endearment.

Whatabouteryallaboutery · 30/10/2023 08:42

gotomomo · 30/10/2023 07:54

Poor kid.

Not sure if they still do, but the French used to have a sanctioned list of names, I think we do too!

At tots we have a River, an Ocean (not related), a Bear, and a Juniper (guessing mum loves ginGrin)

Bet Ocean is fed up of River constantly hurling fresh water at them.