Husband won’t call grandchild by his name

[Blyther]

our grandchild (5 months) has an unusual name. It’s a made up name which is a bit ‘out there’- think along the lines of ‘starry-Skye’ or ‘misty-bridge’. Our daughter in law is a bit whacky.

It’s of course entirely up to the parents to choose the name of their child but my husband won’t even say his name as it makes him cringe so much. He refers to the baby as ‘the little one’ or will call him by his middle name.

It’s now become apparent to the parents how he refuses to use his name and it’s causing an atmosphere. I just don’t know what to say to them as I completely understand his point and feel very sorry about the potential bullying he (the baby) is likely to encounter further down the road.

Advice on moving forward please.

Of course he can say it without being an idiot. Sounds like he is the child in the family. He needs to learn to grow up - it’s not all about what he thinks.

Your husband needs to keep practising. Also rather than "the little one" or the babies middle name - both obviously avoiding - some term of endearment local to your area means he could use the name less often and be less offensive.

yes it would be completely inappropriate for you and your DH to just decide to use a nickname. I mean- how unbelievably arrogant an assumption!

When my younger one was born our neighbour (who is not even a friend just a neighbour) announced; 'I don't like that name. I will call him X instead'. (His initials). I just replied ' No you won't' and I corrected every time. This neighbour is a fucking tosser though and I think I can say with some certainty that your son and DIL and most likely everyone else around you who knows of it will think your DH is a bit of a tosser as well if he cannot even say the name. He might be neuro divergent but he has agency.

So you don't like your DIL and think she is domineering to the point your son, your own child, is afraid of her and has no voice in his relationship. And your issue is the name they've chosen for their child?

Didn't occur to you to have a talk with your son before they got married/had a baby asking if he was ok, if he was happy in the relationship, if she wasn't a bit controlling, stood up to her a bit when she was domineering towards him in front of you? No, you and your husband just sat back through all that, let him enter an apparently abusive relationship and have children in it without so much as an "is this a good idea?", and now he's well and truly stuck with her on that island your stupid husband is looking to burn the bridge because of a name?

If you think he's so afraid and controlled in his relationship, you could be his (and eventually your grandchild's) only support and escape route. Abusers go out of their way to cut off and isolate their victims from their support and family networks. So why not tell your tittering husband that, and say that by failing to control himself, he is putting your child who you presumably love at risk by giving his partner a golden excuse to sever ties or at least severely reduce contact. See if he's still laughing then.

I'd also be interested how many jobs your DH has lost by being "unable to hide his feelings". I daresay like most of us he's had the odd boss who is a twat, but somehow he's managed not to say "you're a twat boss" just because it's how he's feeling. Tell him to use whatever methods he's employed for that purpose with his grandchild's name and get over what is obviously an ego thing for him. That good relationships are as important, and as reliant on him being basically socially aware, as his professional relationships.

Tbh though I don't believe she's a controlling monster or that your poor son is helpless in her clutches; I think she probably challenges your family dynamic, which you've all fallen into a deep groove of over the years, and you don't like it, so are both looking for any reason you can to dislike and disparage her. But that's largely because I don't believe ANYONE reasonable would choose this hill to die on.

I’m afraid he’s going to have to grow up and get on with it.
Perhaps in the meantime he could use a pet name that is special to just him and the baby? Hopefully over time the real name will seem less strange to him.

This is nothing to do with you.

And even if it were, your husband is entirely right. Giving children absurd names is a ridiculous, vain affectation and one that should not be indulged.

Your husband is also right because mother's do not own children and do not get to insist on what their children are called. Most MNers wouldn't dream of insisting on a certain haircut for their toddling child, after-all her hair, her choice, but the demanding mother believes she is entitled to insist on a certain name.

Your husband might also be right because men, even neuro-divergent ones, frequently use nick-names and shortened names. If he does, you should respect male culture rather than just ride roughshod over it, encouraging the world to think you are a bullying bastard (Karen is misogynistic term I refuse to use, so I use the one applied to unbearably bossy men).

Leave your husband to live his life/ fight his own battles.

You clearly don’t like your DIL at all or think much of your son. Neither you nor your husband can cope with your grandchild’s name.

Just think how much easier life will be for you when they stop visiting and you and your husband are relieved from the burden of trying to be civil. Phew, that DIL really did you guys a favour! 😅

Never mind being bullied at school, his own fucking grandparents are mocking the name! Laughter coming from a 5 year old is more understandable than a grown ass man. I’m afraid this is very sad behaviour.

Id find a diminutive, any diminutive. Are there cute sounding initials he can use? Eg JJ etc

Just tell DiL he's getting on a bit and finds the name a mouthful and keep mispronouncing it to sound rude & is mortified by it.

I hope I never hate my DIL.

God I’m dying to know this name.

Generally anything goes with names these days. My kids have friends with quite odd names and none of the children really notice as they don't have the preconceived ideas that older people do. I doubt he'll get bullied at school for that particularly. But do agree you need to get on board or risk alienating your DiL.

OP - can you imagine any way of moving forward that does not involve your husband using his grandson's name? Because I can't. So your hunsband is going to have to adult up on this one, or stop seeing his grandson.

@LunaNorth absolutely!!

@Hopskiplou

Gid only knows?!?! But anything with bear in it he could call him 'cub'

I very very much hope nobody would stoop so low as to lie about dementia.

I feel like you've got quite a bit of stick op. If your dh is neurodiverse could you quietly speak with your son and dil and explain the problem, tell them he might just refer to the baby as something like 'sunshine' 'pumpkin' 'bubba' or something for a bit longer. I am certain that this problem will resolve itself when your grandson is actually walking and talking and responding to his name with no problem. Just ask them to be patient with him.

If people call their poor children ridiculous names they have to accept the flak that comes with it. As the poor child will have to learn to live with the bullying.

I am with your husband actually. If people insist on calling their children these ridiculous names they are going to have to expect some flak for it.

I would be exactly the same, if it was that ridiculous I wouldn't be able to say it without laughing, that's all there is to it, nothing to do with feelings towards the DIL or anything else, just simply - stupid name, nope can't do it.

I'm guessing it's Peace-something given OP says it's exceptionally close to something on a list someone suggested. That's not that awful if so - just saying Peace is fine, and doesn't sound rude in some accents anyway.

Surely there have been many situations in your husband's life where he's had to suppress his emotions? He's had a boss? He's been to funerals? This is just another of those things. He needs to practice alone, of course he laughs when he practices with you because anyone would with one other person.

Going forward, he needs to cope with saying the name.

I am with your husband actually. If people insist on calling their children these ridiculous names they are going to have to expect some flak for it

I agree with this to be honest.

In the meantime I'd go for 'wee man' or 'big guy' or something similar, with the occasional use of his name dropped in so that started to become more natural.

There's not really a problem with a grandfather and grandchild having pet names for each other. Unless the other adults make it a problem.

It's unlikely that little Button-Moon is going to call his granddad Keith. So let let them call each other Pops and Sonny if that works for them.

Poor kid.

Not sure if they still do, but the French used to have a sanctioned list of names, I think we do too!

At tots we have a River, an Ocean (not related), a Bear, and a Juniper (guessing mum loves gin)

Maybe outing but one was called atmosphere
Bloody hell, that’s cruel.

Your husband sounds like a spiteful, childish bully. You are enabling his behaviour. For example, him “practicing” saying the name sounds like the two of you having a laugh at the expense of your grandchild. Call the child by it’s name and stop making a big deal out of it. It might be the most stupid name in the world but it’s not worth damaging the relationship over - or making the child feel self conscious over. If the child is bullied, they’ll feel worst if they remember eve their own granddad was weird about it.