Husband won’t call grandchild by his name

[Blyther]

our grandchild (5 months) has an unusual name. It’s a made up name which is a bit ‘out there’- think along the lines of ‘starry-Skye’ or ‘misty-bridge’. Our daughter in law is a bit whacky.

It’s of course entirely up to the parents to choose the name of their child but my husband won’t even say his name as it makes him cringe so much. He refers to the baby as ‘the little one’ or will call him by his middle name.

It’s now become apparent to the parents how he refuses to use his name and it’s causing an atmosphere. I just don’t know what to say to them as I completely understand his point and feel very sorry about the potential bullying he (the baby) is likely to encounter further down the road.

Advice on moving forward please.

Are you magic? Can you really just repeat away neurodivergence? God, I wish I had known you when my son was little, you could have been the magic cure.

FFS, OP has already said her DH is neurodivergent, and all you "helpful" people telling him to just get over it, would you say the same to a five year old - there's very little difference. 🙄

Take a stand?

Do you think they're going to change the name if someone refuses to use it? Of course they aren't.

So how does the grandfather refusing to use it benefit the child?

If you're worried a child will be bullied for their name, refusing to ever use it or to laugh when saying it are both bullying behaviours that will make the child feel bad. So that argument makes no sense either.

He's not though. They've chosen the name. Presumably it is now on the birth certificate and his parents are using it every day. They're not going to change it because some curmudgeonly old geezer thinks it's silly, they're just going to reduce contact with him because he's rude. He's not "looking out for his grandchild", he's pissing in the wind!

Did you miss the bit where DH does use the middle name? So on your basis, he's probably calling DGS Moon - why isn't that acceptable?

Curious what the name is though because if its something like Winter-Rose thats REALLY common right now.

If its something like Malibu-Barbie then thats some try hard influencer style.

My DS is in reception and I have seen a few parents act shocked, one even said at a kids party recently 'I met a kid called... get this... Winter' and I know several (had to point out theres even one IN the class). It's not that crazy it has just replaced Autumn which replaced Summer. Hyphen names the second usually ends up getting dropped so overly descriptive might just end up as 1 name.

Why have they "got to take a stand"? Do you think it will make this child's life better, silly name or not, to have little to no relationship with his grandparents because they couldn't just let it go and be polite?

Then he should practice.

if he’s genuinely unable to control himself / keep himself from laughing, he should probably see a medical doctor. Seeing as that should be perfectly possible with some effort…

it honestly sounds as if he’s being rather precious. A grown adult unable to keep himself from laughing? Come on! How unpleasant and childish.

Have you ever actually met anyone with neurodivergence? What do you think another doctor is going to do, give them the NEW magic pill?

Once the child is old enough to talk, they will probably mispronounce their own name and that will help with developing a nickname. In the meantime, is there any way that your husband could pretend he finds the name difficult to pronounce rather than too ridiculous to say? Can he use the initials?

My first son has a very traditional name, but it isn't from my parents' tradition (it's from my husband's culture), so my parents just decided to call him something else (vaguely related to the English version of his Gaelic name). My son is 21 now, and has no relationship with my parents. Refusing to use his name or call him by his initials (very common here, with so many Donald Johns and Callum Josephs etc) is just one of the reason why.

And River gets sick of Bear jumping on them looking for salmon . . . 😂

Can you both come up with a special nickname for the child? My grandfather was not British and so gave me a nickname from his country. No one else called me it and it make me feel special.

OP, can the name be shortened a different way?

So if "Arsenal-Aardvark" sounds like arse, can it not be shortened to "Aardvark" instead?

Surely there must be some possibility of a nickname which is related to the name but which sounds less silly.

If you PM me the name I'll try and come up with some suggestions for you!

I think using the middle name unfortunately isn't going to smooth things over because it's a very clear rejection of the first name your DS and DIL have chosen. You and your husband need to find a way of going along with this name, at least for the first few years. Try and be as close and loving towards your grandson as possible, in the hope that if he hates his name when he starts school he will tell you so. And then you could suggest to the child himself that using his middle name is an option.

not using your grandchild's given name:
Playing stupid games

damaging relationships all round:
Winning stupid prizes

Your husband can do what he wants but there will be consequences. I'd suggest you separate yourself from his actions to protect your relationships with DS, DIL and your GC.

Oh please.

if it was his job and his boss’ child’s name he would surely manage to say the name politely and without pulling a face or laughing.
and now he can’t! BS.

carry on if you don’t want to see your grandchild… if you do want to have a relationship, have a stern talk with them and be sure to show your support to your son and DIL

You say you are worried about bullying later in life but what your husband is doing is a form of bullying.

What definition of bullying does this fall under then?

The child will call him out on it when he gets to about two and a half.

This.

Plus, what we older people might regard as "silly" names, are very much becoming the norm now, and by the time this boy starts school the class will be full of children with names that my generation (I'm 70) would never have considered bestowing on a child. He is unlikely to stand out among the Tygers, Oakleafs, Northtars etc.

Personally I admit I would love to see a return to older, more traditional names

I haven't met a Grendel, a Cuthwulf, a Thorloxen or a Leofrith for donkey's years.

As a teacher, I remember having a class where two kids had the same name, but one was spelt really oddly. The girl introduced herself as "the XXXXX with the ridiculous spelling". The poor girl hated her name.

If he finds the name cringy then others will too. And if the shortened version sounds rude then I hope that child isn't going to get picked on as kids can be so cruel.

As your DH is autistic then it's not surprising he finds the name difficult to say without reacting. I struggle with the name Ophelia after someone told me it sounded like "I'll feel ya", and now I can't un-hear it!

He can just keep calling her "little one" as to be honest, so many parents have pet names for their kids there's nothing wrong with that.

At least it isn't something like farty-pants.

I'm going to guess at Peace-River.

Trying to coerce and humiliate someone into doing what you want them to do.

I think if the name is as outrageous as your are suggesting and he really can't say it without laughing (which would likely only make this situation worse) then sticking to a term of endearment is probably the best bet. I think calling him by his middle name is sending an obvious judgement on the first name, but lots of people refer to their children/grandchildren by more generic terms like sweetie, sweetheart, love etc. I don't really see how anyone can object to that.

My dgs has an 'out there' name, it suits him, We love him more than words can say and I would walk over hot coals to make sure we keep the wonderful relationship we have with him, ND or not, I would never have put up with my dh not using the name, laughing at it and being a nasty bully. BTW, Todays classrooms are so full of 'out there' and foreign names that the kids just accept them without question. Your dh is being old fashioned, a bully and a nasty twat. Remind him of his attitude in the years to come when he complains that 'dgs never comes to see us'

My money is on Louie-Bear.

Your DH appears to be the one starting the bullying!

’Silly’ names have been routinely used for generations, if Dickie Bird can be a serious person, I can’t see that your DH has any ground here.

Tell him to grow up.

Shakespeare apparently used ‘country matters’ as a euphemism for cunt. There’s a bit in Hamlet - Hamlet to Ophelia.