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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t call grandchild by his name

582 replies

Blyther · 29/10/2023 22:18

our grandchild (5 months) has an unusual name. It’s a made up name which is a bit ‘out there’- think along the lines of ‘starry-Skye’ or ‘misty-bridge’. Our daughter in law is a bit whacky.

It’s of course entirely up to the parents to choose the name of their child but my husband won’t even say his name as it makes him cringe so much. He refers to the baby as ‘the little one’ or will call him by his middle name.

It’s now become apparent to the parents how he refuses to use his name and it’s causing an atmosphere. I just don’t know what to say to them as I completely understand his point and feel very sorry about the potential bullying he (the baby) is likely to encounter further down the road.

Advice on moving forward please.

OP posts:
CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 03:07

Blyther · 29/10/2023 22:42

Oh yes, he’d very much like to tell them the name is laughable!

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Wow, you don’t have a grandchild with a problem name, you have a husband with a problem.

It really doesn’t matter if the child is called Darth Moon Unit Felony, your H (I really can’t call him a dear husband, more like Stupid) needs to use the name. He can shorten it to Darth, but he has to use it.

I remember years ago, there was a family whose surname was Death, and the mother insisted that everyone pronounce it as Dee-arth, idiotic right? But we all did, because it wasn’t fair on the kids.

When my DC were in primary school, some Nepalese immigrants enrolled their son in the school. Every Friday was an assembly for the kids to get their merit certificates and the parents could attend.

I nearly fell off my chair when Genghis Khan was called up to collect his good behaviour and helpfulness certificate!

So yes, your H doesn’t have to love Darth Moon Unit Felony as a name, but he should really love his grandson enough to use the name!

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/10/2023 03:09

Blyther · 29/10/2023 22:47

That’s not too far from it be honest 🤣🤣

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Oh its not Scooby Do is it.

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 03:11

Sidebeforeself · 29/10/2023 22:44

Shortened version sounds like a rude word? Is it Cunty-Star? If so don’t worry..there’s six of them in DDs class.

Oh no 😂😂😂🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️💀💀🙈🙈

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 03:20

Timeaftertim3 · 29/10/2023 22:55

Well, you both sound self righteous and pompous tbh and well done for raising a supposedly incredibly passive child who didn’t have any say in the name of his child. Good job there.

It’s probably because they are pompous and self righteous that their poor son grew up totally hen pecked and “got at” that he then replicated that in his wife.

Don’t they say that men marry their mothers? (I think this means in personality).

Also, if stupid husband is ND, it’s surprising that he won’t use the correct name as I’m ND and dislike misnaming people (or things!).

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 03:39

Beeinalily · 29/10/2023 23:32

I just keep thinking Kunte Kinte. Oh Gawd it's not, is it?

But Kunte Kinte is pronounced Kun-tar Kin-tay, so shortening it to Kun-tar or even Kun isn’t rude.

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 03:45

Stupidnighty · 29/10/2023 23:36

I know the equivalent of a Faye who changed her name to Fairy, a woman who goes by an equivalent of ‘carebears’ and a woman who goes a name in the same vain as ‘Tony-the-Pony’.

All adults who adopted these names by choice and like them.

I’ve also met a Chris Cross (chose to take Cross as a married name) and an A. Pratt who was happy with his name.

Names can be all sorts of weird and wonderful, or stupid or ugly but it isn’t up to other people to change them!

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I knew a Richard, who went by Dick, and unfortunately his surname was Head, and every time he phoned the office and the receptionist put him through saying “I’ve got Dick Head on the line for you”, I would give a little laugh, before he was put through and he used to say I always sounded happy and cheerful!

Yeah buddy, that was your name. He was a bit of a pompous man, but he was a IV, so presumably the 2 before him nabbed Ritchie and Rick, so he was Dick. Nice fella though and a joy to work with.

sashh · 30/10/2023 03:52

Everyone in the family should start calling you DH his middle name.

Is this the first grandchild? If so. "My favorite grandson" can cover a multitude of sins.

My dad calls me his favorite daughter still and I'm well into my 50s.

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 03:52

LulooLemon · 29/10/2023 23:41

Not Teddy Bear. If it's shortened, it sounds like a rude word. Kunte-Kinte is q possibility. It maybe:

Louis-Ocean (Loo)

Arsenal-Aardvark (Arse)

Button-Jenson (Butt)

Dickie-Beau (Dick)

Peace-River (Piss)

Farquhar-Frog (Farq)

Yes, this how Australians shorten politicians names.

Julia Gillard was Ju-liar
Tony Abbot was man monk
Malcolm Turnbull was Turncoat
Scott Morrison was ScoMo
Current incumbent is Anthony Albanese aka AnAl (yep, Anal for the win!)

Limonatamum · 30/10/2023 04:12

Calling someone by their name is the most basic first level of respect. I manage to call everyone by their name and I can’t possibly like all names. Your husband is being a douche and will damage relationships with your son and DIL and grandson if he carries on.

ExitChasedByAPolarBear · 30/10/2023 04:19

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 29/10/2023 23:31

It's Teddy Bear, isn't it 🧸🐻🧸🐻🧸

But Teddy or Bear doesn’t sound like a rude word 🤔

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 30/10/2023 04:44

Please share OP! You could always put lots of spaces inbetween the two words so that this thread doesn't show up if she Google searches the child’s name 🙏

JammyThing · 30/10/2023 05:19

It's Prickypegs, isn't it?

ABeautifulThing · 30/10/2023 05:32

Don't tell them he's got dementia! It's not a good suggestion, either your son will be very worried and upset or they'll know you're lying!
They already know you're avoiding the name and you have an atmosphere.
You either get him to focus hard on the prospect of losing good relations with the parents and what that could mean to see if that helps him get some self control
Or you talk to the parents and ask that you be permitted to use his middle name.
Anything else is souring relations

AproposofEverything · 30/10/2023 05:48

LulooLemon · 29/10/2023 23:41

Not Teddy Bear. If it's shortened, it sounds like a rude word. Kunte-Kinte is q possibility. It maybe:

Louis-Ocean (Loo)

Arsenal-Aardvark (Arse)

Button-Jenson (Butt)

Dickie-Beau (Dick)

Peace-River (Piss)

Farquhar-Frog (Farq)

You forgot Cockadoodle-doo

BirthdayFlower · 30/10/2023 05:52

Your husband is being a complete tool and he’s going to damage his relationship with his own child if he doesn’t get a grip.

DawnInAutumn · 30/10/2023 05:52

Ottersmith · 29/10/2023 23:34

Do you often indulge your husband with his selfish behaviour? He is being ridiculous and making this about him as well as being completely disrespectful to his grandchild. Is he going to look him in the face one day and say 'sorry I think your name is stupid.' It's his name!

He needs to get a grip and you need to stop indulging him. You are making it worse by suggesting he is going to get bullied. No he's not. It's 2023. Young people are changing their names to wacky words all the time. I think people with names like John or Laura should be embarrassed that their parents were complete fucking dullards who constantly worried about what people would think.

This is your husband's problem completely.

Hey! One of mine is John. Grin trust me it stands out now as extremely unusual when you are only 11.

Op i truly agree with most on here- your husband is being breathtakingly disrespectful and I'd find it hard not to think less of him as a result. But also the way you speak of your DIL is pretty disrespectful as well.

Maybe neither of you have had much exposure to groups of young children for a while. Extremely unusual names are quite normal nowadays. There have been a few in both my DCs class (13 and 110 over the years that i have raised an eyebrow at but then it becomes just their name and no more ridiculous than any other name (all of which were made up at some point).

Zanatdy · 30/10/2023 05:58

Little one is fine, middle name is not. Ex MIL did this to DS as middle name was from her culture, first from mine. Really p’d me off, eventually as he got older he didn’t respond to that name and she’s stopped referring to him as that. I did speak to his dad, he should have tackled it with them, but didn’t

Hibiscrubbed · 30/10/2023 06:11

or will call him by his middle name.l

This is not ok. Because that’s not his name. He can’t decide to address him by that. Using “little one” is different, but essentially changing the name is wrong.

I strongly suggest your husband grow the fuck up. No adult is that affected by a name so much that they can’t say it without laughing, despite ‘practicing’ with you. Pathetic.

Palmasailor · 30/10/2023 06:15

Blyther · 29/10/2023 22:40

No, he is completely under the thumb and goes along with whatever she wants- I think he’s a bit scared of her, she has outbursts and is easily angered

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Sounds like it will be over soon anyway.

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 30/10/2023 06:16

Forget that you don't like the name or what you think of your DIL. Do you love your grandson and do you want a relationship with him? Do you want him to feel happy and confident with who he is and not embarrassed about his name when he's older? If so just call him by his name. You dont need to use his name everytime you speak to him but your DH needs to make the effort to try. My dad hates the name of our youngest DS - it's not out there at all it's Henry but he thinks it sounds pretentious - he uses his name to get his attention but mainly refers to him as bonny lad.

Jewelspun · 30/10/2023 06:23

Actions speak louder than words. If he's a loving grandad then calling the baby alternatives laugh as 'little one' until he gets used to the real name shouldn't really matter.

The parents can choose to take umbrage or they can accept the weird name is uncomfortable for grandad to say but appreciate he loves the child all the same.

Holly60 · 30/10/2023 06:24

CherryMyBrandy · 29/10/2023 22:49

I disagree with the PPs. If he doesn't want to say it he shouldn't have to force himself to use it. He's entitled to his opinion. Can he find a nice nickname for the child to use instead? Lots of grandparents have nicknames for their grandchildren.

I'm sorry what? So someone who doesn't wish to use another person's name can just 'make up a nice nickname for them'? No. They can't.

If someone refused to call me by my own name and started using a nickname of their choice, it wouldn't be an issue for very long as I'd not spend any time with them.

StolenCookie · 30/10/2023 06:26

If it’s impossible for your silly husband to say the name then I guess I hope both of you enjoy the giggles at the expense of your grandson. Good luck.

Scottishskifun · 30/10/2023 06:28

Stupidnighty · 29/10/2023 23:11

Nothing except showing the children that her opinion is more important than their feelings, and that they matter so little she can’t even be arsed to do them the common courtesy of using their names.

She probably thinks that she can do it with anyone’s name-too stupid, too long, too foreign? I’m going to give you a proper name of my choosing.

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What exactly does too foreign mean?! I'm not someone from 1940 who decided to call everyone Betty because they couldn't pronounce something.

And yes to answer the original quoter I did raise it and stated they would be severely bullied for it which they have been. The eldest has begged DB and SIL to change it for them due to the bullying, she hates her name and has been asking for 10 years to change, they refuse. She is counting down til her 18th birthday so she can do it and no that's not my influence I see them twice a year! Also no not me being more important just letting them know that they have options.

I say made up as SIL proudly states that she did infact make their names up by merging words.

It's also pretty common for people to go by a middle name or an abbreviation, even in nursery you will see children shortening each others names. I just shorten to the first few letters.

Igloolou · 30/10/2023 06:34

You seem as unpleasant as your husband. Let’s not use ND as an excuse for a grown man to not be able to call a child by its name.
if the child’s name is Peace, nobody is going to think you’re calling it piss.
And the fact you accuse the mother of basically being abusive to your own DS screams a lot to me.
You need to grow up or you’ll end up sad and miserable with no contact with a lovely grandchild.