Generous gesture or patronising?? Trying to help a friend

[Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong]

This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

Turn up with a small bag of groceries and essentials and two cups of coffee. Have a chat and discuss things you could do to help. Tell her you can blindly guess what help she needs or you can figure out between the two of you how you can support her.
Find some way she can give some thing back. Maybe you get her shopping and she can make you lunch one day?
I have a watch own by two of my great grandmothers. One of them heard that the other had reached hard times after their husband had gone off work sick (pre national health), she went round with a bag of groceries and introduced herself. They were best friends for the rest of their days. The one that passed first left the other one her watch. After failing to match make their kids they succeeded with their grandkids!

Offer to support her daughter instead of her
offer to pay for school trips, uniform etc

I had a friend financially struggling severely with two little ones at home. She told me that she was going to Asda to change the babies nappy because in the baby changing there was boxes of nappies and wipes for those caught short.
I couldn’t stand by, so I ordered a Tesco shop with lots of staples, lots of cupboard items that would last, lots of bags of pasta and sauces and tins and freezer stuff and lots of nappies and wipes and a few treats for them all. I spent about £150. And I just had it delivered to her house. I texted her the delivery slot and said make sure you’re in please.
she was so grateful. She said I saved her and the kids life, which I don’t think is true. But I’ve been in a position myself where I couldn’t afford anything, and I also wouldn’t have taken money or food from someone as a handout. But if it was forced into me, like a delivery arriving or whatever. As you say a voucher just sent there, I would have gratefully taken it and lapped it up so we could eat. I would do whatever you can if you’re in a position to help. Not being able to feed my kids is the lowest of place I have ever been.

Are you local? Could you invite her round for tea once a week? And send her home with leftovers?

Personally I think offering things that might otherwise be wasted is another way of helping out. When I was hard up, my mother used to bring things like chicken breasts and claim it was buy one get one free, and what did she want with 10 chicken breasts etc etc. Fruit and veg is another example. I think I knew what she was up to, but I was very grateful for the food and the pretence.

What a kind friend. What if you suggested that you just helped her out occasionally but there was not rush to 'pay back' so she doesn't feel awkward?

You sound like a lovely friend.
My friend had breast cancer and sounds very much like you're friend. A few friends got together and bought a sainsbury gift card and posted it through her door with a letter saying she'd won a competition! She couldn't remember entering the competition but she was over the moon.

Without prying, is it a neurological problem like mnd/als? This can have cognitive issues making form filling and even basic planning difficult. People often hide it well outwardly.

Support from benefits experts might really help too.

Could you make sure that she is getting all the benefits she is entitled to she may be missing out you never know

What a sad situation and it’s horrible to think that anyone has the stress of worrying about money when their health is in such a bad way.

I would probably do as much as I could afford and not take no for an answer, I would help
financially where I could, buy groceries, etc etc, I wonder if there are any charities that could help also? If you feel she won’t accept it, they buy a gift card and post it in her letterbox anonymously.

You could have another chat with her and say how much you want to help but you're not really sure what would help her the most - let her tell you if she can & then try to work out what you're happy to do. If she's not forthcoming or says she doesn't want any help, then maybe she just wants to chat.

If you know your friend won't accept the money and may worry if its anonymous, you could maybe talk to her daughter about what would be the best way to help her mum. Could you speak to neighbours and you could surprise her with a big shop or even invite her to yours for a meal or offer to cook for them in their home. x

You are a good friend. It sounds like her situation has become worse and she might be more open to receiving financial help now - if she was too proud she probably wouldn’t have told you how bad it is now.
Hundreds of £ is too much though, I wonder if you could offer a smaller sum of money as a buffer for when she gets into a dire situation? Offering it in strict confidence in a way that’s practical rather than patronising if you know what I mean.

This is the most human decency I’ve seen on mumnset🥹🥹🥹🥹

Cash in an envelope through the door in the dead of night. I've done this on 3 occasions for friends. My closest friend who I did this for, I just know she wouldn't have accepted if I'd tried in person, and she'd have felt so embarrassed. I did it just before their camping holiday because I knew from previous experience they can't afford to let their kids go in rides at the fair, or in amusement arcades. It was months and months later that she mentioned it in passing, having no clue it was me. It turned out their washing machine had gone bang the night before they set off on holiday so that money couldn't have come at a better time. Anyway, moral of story, don't get her food viuchers because you don't know what she has the greatest financial need for. Cash in brown envelope all the way! It's so much fun creeping back to your car all ninja like feeling warm and happy for them inside.

No no PLEASE don't do this. Having her Daughter and Neighbours know how bad things are, I'd be completely MORTIFIED if I was in her shoes. Some people being mortified would manifest in tears feeling humiliation.... I'd be absolutely FUMING with you and would wonder how on earth you could be a friend if you'd willingly embarras me like that.

I'd post £100 cash in an envelope through the door. That way she can spend it on stuff she needs instead of just food. I'd do it anonymously.

We did it a few years ago for a friend.
Wasn't sure about it at the time but it actually worked really well.

We put cash in an envelope through the front door 2 weeks before Christmas.
My partner's family all club in and give money to a local charity or an obviously needy one each year.

This one year there was a lady my partner worked with who had been to charity shops for her teenage children's gifts and was planning sandwiches for Christmas dinner.

I think we put £250 in a Christmas card that was from Father Christmas.
We have never said anything but recipient put thank you so, so much our Christmas fairy on social media.

Partner heard after that the children got lively presents and they had a lovely Christmas Day

The GP or treatment team can provide support letter for PIP . The daughter needs a carer assessment to assess her needs. I’d suggest a CAMHS referral of she’s adversely impacted and school can initiate a school referral for additional support eg student support
The unwell friend can request a carer assessment from LA and if she has eligible needs get a package of care etc

posters need to stop suggesting anonymous stuffed envelopes, fake notifications of winnings, made up prizes, gift vouchers and pretend stories. It’s all convoluted and unnecessary. Offer help graciously, if friend decline, so be it, unwell friend under no compulsion to accept monies ,gifts or sympathies. Sure it comes from well meaning sentiment but lying and foisting monies on friend is overbearing and potentially adversely impact

Tbh all of the above are incredibly stressful and humiliating to apply for and no guarantee any eligibility will be sorted out in a timely way (I know, I've been there). Too many applications for PIP are only granted on appeal.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong I hope you've gone with your heart and found a way to support her that makes you both feel good.