Generous gesture or patronising?? Trying to help a friend

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This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

Put some cash in an envelope and post it to her anonymously

Did you post a really strangely wording thing about how much money to give a single mum over the weekend?

Good grief. Hopefully the OP has more sense than to do this. Her friend has immense pride. Imagine how she'd feel if she knew she'd been the subject of a thread on here and we'd all been talking about her (many in a very patronising way)

...also many many people here think that OP's friend is stupid and gullible. So many 'lie to her' suggestions that are so bleeding obviously lies that she'd need an IQ of about 50 to swallow them.

Would that honestly not freak the hell out of you?

I agree with the frank conversation route. Meet this awful situation head on.
It may even help her to have a rage/cry. She's in dire straits, tell her she's not a charity case, it's absolutely not her fault this has happened and you simply want to do what you know she'd do for you if roles were reversed.
Also, my life insurance pays out for Total and Permanent Disability/Terminal diagnosis.
As part of the honest conversation I'd check that she's looked into this.
I think the time for tiptoeing around this is past.

I’m team frank conversation too.

Off topic but how big is her house - could she make some extra money by renting out a room?

I'd put 100 in her account. I have done this from time to time with a friend in a similar situation. I insist on it, just matter-of-factly.

Has she looked at whether her DD would be eligible for Free School Meals given the drop in income? It is generally very easy to check - just google "Free School Meals" and OP's Friend's County Council and you will generally find a link to the right council webpage. Then there will be a phone number or webpage where she can put in her NI number.

Please ask her to also ensure the school knows - so they can support daughter and potentially sign-post to other help.

Yeah I'm team direct- look "friend" you've been handed a really shit deal, I'm going to help because you're my friend and that's what friends do! It's for your daughter just as much as you so please just accept it"

Whatever you do, do not show her this thread as pp advice, she'll be mortified.

You sound like a lovely person OP, if she knows you well she'll know this is from a good place

This is a great approach

I think I would either be very open and speak to her about how her pride is to the detriment of her child’s welfare and offending you, when you have some spare money.

Or do something a bit sideways, like pay the DD to work for you for a few hours each weekend. Could you get her cleaning windows, that sort of thing?

Thanks all, such words of wisdom here. I think on balance the anonymous option isn't the best so I'll shelve that one. I'll have to think about specifics of food / voucher / cash etc. I'll do something, best try and fail than not try at all.

To answer a few questions and sorry for not coming back individually, I don't know DD well anymore really. We used to hang out a bit when she was young and I have a son the same age but these days its more 1 to 1, so offering to take DD out somewhere or shopping would be weird. Likewise inviting them both over might be a bit strange, maybe once in a while but not regularly enough to help financially. I have 3 kids, DH and a dog, its a busy noisy house! If it were me in her position I think having cooked meals delivered would be the best option, but I would find doing this tricky on regular basis as I already cook for 5 every day and bloody hate it. I sometimes batch cook for an elderly relative too. But I could certainly do it occasionally.

Regarding benefits, if anyone knows the position its this friend. She works in financial services and would be very confident with form filling and researching etc. I've no doubt she has it all sussed out.

Truthfully, she hasn't really been that honest to me about her finances before. She probably thought I wouldn't understand, and I guess she isn't wrong. She has great neighbours all on low incomes so not in a position to help financially but she does have that moral support.

I don't know if her family are helping, I thought they would help more but I suspect she isn't being totally honest. I know one parent has poor health and she said they were saving a lot for DD's education. Her brother and partner have agreed to take on guardianship while already managing young kids, they invite DD over a lot so I expect she doesn't want to bother them. She also has a sister living elsewhere who very generously paid for my pal and her DD to go on a holiday last Summer once she heard of the diagnosis. She paid for flights, accomodation, everything and they got to sit in the sun for a few days, it was extremely generous and must have cost a lot. So again, i suspect she hasn't been kept in the loop. The problem is they are young, they have young kids and childcare costs and its a really bad time for them too.

This is horribly transparent, please don't do this.

OP, if you love your friend, sit down and have a really honest conversation with her. Tell her you're worried about her, and ask if she's definitely getting all the help she's entitled to. PIP is very hard to get, so don't assume she's getting disability benefits. She has confided in you, tell her you love her and can't bear to see her struggling so badly, and that you want to help if you can. It won't be an easy conversation and you'll both probably be upset, but if you really are good friends she will accept that you are not doing this as charity, but as support that she deserves.

(My health has suddenly nose dived due to random illness, and I'm now disabled and deteriorating, although not terminal in the near future. I've found it incredibly hard to ask for and accept help, but those I've been really honest with are those I'm willing to accept help from, so I speak with some insight)

I would put cash in an envelope through her door anonymously.

OP, if you hate cooking, here's an idea: pay someone else to make the home-cooked meals, and take them round as if you cooked them/ made extra etc.
I had a friend who was terminally ill and would never have accepted financial gifts after her DH died suddenly and intestate, so I just took food round as often as I could, and generally was on hand to help as often as possible.
Good luck talking to your friend; I know from experience how hard it can be, but it's also important for you, the friend, as you feel so impotent in the face of so much calamity. You can always present it like that.

Actually, I think groceries post surgery can be seen as a gesture of care that's more to do with limited mobility after surgery than money. Maybe that's why she wasn't embarassed to accept that? So I think you should frame your gesture similarly too in a way that's like a gift or act of care, rather than about finances

I really don't think you should do anything anonymously. I think that would freak her out.

PIP isn't hard to get if you are terminally ill.

This brought tears to my eyes, i dont have answers but you are lovely helping, Your support will mean so much to her as time goes on, let her cry treat her daughter and your friend to warm throws snuggly water bottles treats ect.
💐These are for you. x

You could perhaps order her some fresh ready meals to be sent to her - can't think of a name off the top of my head, but there are mail orders you can choose from where you choose a weekly delivery. I've done that for someone before now after surgery and they were really grateful. You could always treat her and her dd to a gift voucher for Christmas, or nice day out/Spa thing. Would that be harder for her to refuse?

I’ve not read any of the replies to your post, my reply to you is personal.

i was ten when my mother got very very ill, and money dried up very quickly. My late mother was a hairdresser, we lived in a small end terraced cottage, and she was driving around in a capri, not many unmarried mothers with children had those!

i got a job delivering newspapers every morning, and I delivered the advertiser every Thursday evening, which i put the money in the biscuit tin, where Mum kept the money.

Sarah Beeny has recently said about “sad eyes” I know exactly what she means.

The most generous thing that one of our neighbours did, when he and his wife drove Mum to an emergency hospital appointment, was go to Kwik save, where they spent a lot of money on tins, and helped me learn about allotment gardening.

Every Christmas til I was 17 when they passed away, there was presents of food, seeds, knitting needles, wool, and vouchers for the school uniform shop. They also bought me a pair of doctor Martins seven holed boots which are still around.

They weren’t patronising with it, they weren’t rich,but they knew what they saw, and passing to me, all the government papers on how they lived in the war, make do and mend etc, learning how to make garlic soup which was the cost of a stock cube and electric for the stove staved off the hunger. I say about garlic soup, I read in a herbal remedy book it’s very good for the blood.

I love my allotment, for the nutritious food I grow, and for the peace I find there, some people may say I’m daft, but it’s my church.

I’m eternally grateful to those lovely neighbours, who supplied books, showed me how to clean a house properly, how to hand wash clothes, bedding, turn collars, iron using a flat iron, it sounds draconian but like your friend, my mum was never going to get better, and slept more and more and money got harder and harder to find.

My mums wish was similar to your friends, I went thru education. I very rarely pray, but I hope a few others join me in helping you find the best way to help in the subtlest way. Good luck.

Could you maybe say you won a supermarket gift card or were gifted it by work as an incentive or something? And say you feel she would benefit from it more than you would? Perhaps even more so if you and your friend use different supermarkets, so you can say “I know you shop at X”

❤

I would start off by saying you are worried about her and her daughter and can you help in anyway eg by helping her look at her finances and see if she is eligible for any more help
macmillan give grants, there are energy grant schemes, basic broadband, some people can get reduction on council tax etc
Then depending on outcome - maybe offer to take on a regular bill for her to leave her money for other things
I have in the past paid rent top ups, council tax, energy or phone/broadband for friends who have been struggling