Generous gesture or patronising?? Trying to help a friend

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This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

Would you be able to invite her daughter over for some reason? Have a relaxing time, movie, pizza, bake muffins, whatever and send her home with stuff? Suggest it as a "have some you time" to your friend so both she and DD can have a break.

Or suggest something like "movie at mine" when your OH is away. "Please don't leave me to eat an entire pizza by myself and wallow watching some weepie movie!!" Just as a treat?

Beyond that, maybe contact whatever charity is associated with her illness and see what they can suggest or make sure that they are aware that she is struggling. A food bank will definitely help her though some will limit the number of times she can get help (done for fairness unfortunately). Also have a look for those community fridge type things or Olio. Maybe you could say "I've found this community fridge that says it's got lots of XXX! Let's go get some and see what else they have." And make it a weekly thing??

A few hundred might put her in an awkward position she might feel overwhelmed with your generosity. Can you build it up or even do an online shop every month or so. I think you need to speak to her about it a grand gesture of few hundred pounds is imo too much.

I’ve been in financial dire straights and going against the grain of he thread I felt like I had won lotto when someone gave me a supermarket voucher. Also felt the same when someone came round with three bags of stuff I could never afford - yogurts, cheese, ice cream bubble bath…etc

So sorry and so glad you are trying to help. Can you offer to take on school purchases for her daughter. Or a regular supermarket/Amazon voucher.

I think the vouchers are a good idea, but maybe not a few hundred at once - little and often.

Are you close to the daughter? Take her for her favourite foods / snacks as a way to get a shop in.

Batch cook for them.

I’m sure she’s grateful for a supportive friend like you, even if her pride gets in the way.

Bless you ❤️

If I was in your position I would sit my friend down and have a talk with her, I'd explain how it's just not possible for me to let her continue to struggle when I am in the position to help

This. I want to give you this for DD.

This is when it's annoying that BOGOF offers in many supermarkets have disappeared. When I was a student years ago my mum used to go for those, and give me the "free" one (I lived close enough to visit at weekends). Helped out loads. In my Tesco now, instead, you just get discounts on some things if you use your Clubcard. You obviously get the clubcard vouchers to spend though and I bet you;d want to give her those. But it's more obvious giving than the BOGOF thing when you could just say "I haven't got room in my freezer/cupboard for these but I couldn't leave them if they were free, could I"

I'm usually a very upfront person but I don't think I'd confront this issue head on - if it went wrong and she drew away from you, she would be in an even worse position than she is now.

I think I'd couch any help I offered as being for the DD. I'd do a lot of 'humour me, friend - no bugger has ever let me be a godmother and I'm desperate to buy a teenage girl unsuitable presents' or something like that. I'd try and get it to a place where your friend could say 'oh you are awful, you're going to spoil her - but thanks very much, she loved the pizza/Vinted voucher/skincare/hair appointment.' A bit like parents and godparents relate to one another for real?

I think it’s a lovely gesture

please ask her to speak to her life insurance - if she is terminal she may be able to access the funds now

And then on top of that I'd do targeted interventions like oh look a BOGOF on meat, I'll never eat this and I'll feel awful if it goes to waste, oh look my friend was getting rid of this, oh look Gousto were doing a special recommend a friend offer and we both get a week's free meals, oh look I bought this posh shampoo and it's just not right for my hair, oh look these candles are lovely but DH can't stand them for some reason, what an idiot but it's not worth the argument

Give her the card and say its up to her if she wants to donate to a food bank or use it herself but youd like her to invest it for you in her daughters future - she's an excellent mum and it kills you that such a small sum is impacting her life. You are friends, and friends would allow you to help.
Tell her that she would be helping you out because you have anxiety and doing something that makes a difference to someone you love would ease that considerably. It's not a lie.
Or I'd tell a porky and say someone paid for your gym membership or car repair and said it to pay it forward so that's what you're doing (with this card that you won in a raffle??) And then help her pay it forward by doing something charitable but not paying something.

Only you know your friend, and this might be terrible advice, but here goes...

I think she will see through anything "casual" and feel patronised.

I think with this one you have to face the fact she might be angry or insulted head on.

I would make it important, sit down with her face to face and say "Friend, you are an amazingly brave, strong person but this is more than anyone should have to deal with. I can see you are struggling and as your friend I hate to stand by when I could help you. I would like to give you and your daughter [XXXXX] to make a small part of your life a little bit easier so you and your daughter have more time and energy to focus on each other. I understand you don't want charity and I will also understand if you don't accept, but please think about it. I can afford it and I think this is the best possible use of this money right now."

I’d be honest with her. I think she’d feel patronised by you making up a clearly false story just to spare her feelings. But go in ready to be firm in a ‘you and me against the world’ kind of way. You value her friendship and love her and her daughter very much. You hate to think of them suffering for lack of money, and you know that if the situation was reversed she would come out, guns blazing, for you. You want to give her some money/an online shop/a voucher, but want to work with her so she can be clear about what she needs the most. That may be a Tesco gift card with money on it, it might be a school trip or school uniform, it might be paying for someone to come in and deep clean the house - but you need to ask her what she needs the most. She might be reluctant to take cash, but may be thrilled to let you pay for shoes for her child. You sound like the most lovely caring friend, and she knows you care for her.

I think you need to sit down in private with your friend and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her that she is a very dear friend and if she lets you help her you can help to reduce the strain and pressure for her. Say if friends can’t help at the worst of times then what are they for? Ask her what she’d do if the tables were turned? You may need to be candid about your own situation and say that you are able to comfortably afford to provide her with food shopping, a sum or money per week, etc. And say that her pride is the only thing standing in the way of having a full fridge. It must be excruciating for somebody so proud to accept help but what’s the alternative? She can’t carry on the way she is. I bet she isn’t eating properly which can’t be helping her condition.

Could you just tell her that she is she most amazing friend ever and that if the roles were reversed you have absolutely no doubt that she would want to do exactly the same for you - that makes it feel more equal to me, like it's just down to 'fate' and could just as easily have been the other way around and her wanting to help you out.

With so much going on I wonder whether it is the acceptance which is hard rather than the having the money? It seems like neighbours didn't ask, they just came with stuff.

How do you think that she would react if you just put a weekly standing order for £20 per week into her bank, set the reference as something like "love you x" and didn't ever mention it?

She could bring it up if she wanted to, and you could say something like "I didn't know what else i could do to help, so I did that". But equally she wouldn't have to talk about it if she didn't want to.

I guess it depends on how you think that she would react? It could come across as a bit controlling, but also avoids the whole polite acceptance thing which seems to be part of the reason shes turning down coffees etc.

OP, does your friend have a birthday coming up? If yes, I'd gift a Marks and Spencer's voucher (if you have one close by). Technically, it could be used on homeware, clothes etc but more importantly, it could be used for the food hall. This might be easier for your friend to accept than cash. I'd make it clear that you don't expect the same on your birthday as you have everything you need.

Anonymous donation - bad idea. I'd think it was scam if it happened to me and throw the vouchers away. Or I'd worry where it came from and what they knew and what they wanted.

Find other ways to help. You are very kind but anything anonymous is hard to receive.

I think this situation calls for honesty

Sit her down and say you want to help her support her daughter...could she see it as being like family or a godparent? She is ill and her child needs extra support

Say you would like to take on some financial responsibility for her daughter ? Including food achool stuff etc

I also think she needs help in accessinf food banks if she isnt already and do the school know her situation??

No to voucher
I'd offer to give her a lift to the food bank though

The thing is..this woman and her child need more than one off help.

I’ve been in your friend’s situation for different reasons and I’m now in a position where I could be the one to help if necessary. I’d have found money very hard to accept but food/shopping delivered/offered unexpectedly very hard to refuse (especially when we were hungry). Two sayings from a wise friend that helped me accept help were “the people who help you now won’t necessarily be the ones you help in return” and “if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children’s mother”. Good luck OP and thank you for being a good friend. I really treasure the people who helped me unconditionally through that time.

I think that giving her little gifts now and again and saying ‘I accidentally bought too many’ or ‘ I happened to have a spare ticket’ will be glaringly obvious, particularly as you’ll have to do it multiple times, and will be more patronising as she’ll know you’re not being straight with her.

I think (if you can afford it) I would tell her that I’d won some money on the lottery and I wanted her to share it so that she can enjoy her remaining time. I’d give her the money, how’ve much you want, in one hit, and tell her that you have a bit spare now and she should come to you in the future if she needs more help.

If you have time, make some freezable dinners and take them round to pop into hers. Or get some nice ones from somewhere like Cook. The gesture there is more about providing nice food for someone you love who may not have the energy to cook a lot rather than just giving money or vouchers.

Make her up a hamper for Christmas as well?