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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Generous gesture or patronising?? Trying to help a friend

170 replies

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 29/10/2023 16:33

This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

OP posts:
landbeforegrime · 29/10/2023 20:10

could you get a food hamper delivered anonymously, not money so feels less transactional? i tried to give someone in need money and they paid me back and have been a bit weird with me ever since so i know it ca mn go down badly.

Justanotherteacher · 29/10/2023 20:15

Would she be willing to pay you back by leaving you money in her will? Have a proper conversation. Offer whatever you want/can afford to give her and she gifts you it back out of her estate. (You then give it straight back to her DD.)

Doubledodecahedron · 29/10/2023 20:19

A friend did this for me - had an unexpected windfall and insisted she share it with me (I had just lost my job). She literally dropped it through my door with a note, knowing I'd never accept it if she offered face to face. It was so kind of her and I'll never forget it.

Inertia · 29/10/2023 20:30

I think anonymous gifts will just make her anxious. Asking her to allow you to help out with her daughter’s expenses may be the way in- that way she can use the cash in whatever way they both need.

Ifellasleep · 29/10/2023 20:31

Ask what you can do for her daughter rather than her, and offer to help her/get someone to check she’s getting all the benefits she’s entitled to.

Nazzywish · 29/10/2023 20:32

This is heartbreaking to read and you sound like a wonderful friends OP..
Agree with PP with batch cooking and dropping some around or calling her over for dinner etc and then raise it with her re you wanting to help ease the burden.
Also maybe as time is limited consider gifting them a day out somewhere to make memories together for her daughter I'm sure she'd be appreciative of that.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 20:32

I would say you won an Asda gift card worth X amount and as you don’t need the money you thought it may help her out.

I can imagine it would be a great relief at this time of year!

I would also try and see if she’s getting all the available help she’s entitled.

I don’t know anyone on disability benefits that are short of money (and rightly so), as this is for those who cannot work.

I would also offer to have DD too.
Not only does she obviously need the break if she’s poorly but it’ll also mean she saves food on that day.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 29/10/2023 20:38

All the posts saying to lie about it or do it anonymously... Wow. Don't do that. Just speak to her.

silkpashmina · 29/10/2023 20:40

If she has life insurance attached to her mortgage some companies will pay off mortgage on a terminal diagnosis. Worth looking into and this would help with outgoings as she wouldn't have a mortgage payment every month.

adriftinadenofvipers · 29/10/2023 20:43

My SIL's mortgage was paid off by her insurance when she got a terminal diagnosis. She also got her work pension.

Ilovelurchers · 29/10/2023 20:47

Give the voucher anonymously just in case she might refuse it if you give it directly.

What's her daughter like? If you have her a regular allowance of say £10 or £15 a week (if you can afford that) would she use it to buy the essential stuff she needs for school, toiletries etc etc do you think (as well as some of it to have fun with friends of course - but you know what I mean)? Because your friend might be less likely to refuse help given directly to her daughter. Well in fact, she couldn't really! But it might make it seem more like an acceptable gesture to her and less like "charity" IYSWIM. But obviously no good if daughter is likely to rush off and spend it all on a packet of fags, or whatever.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 29/10/2023 20:48

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 29/10/2023 17:04

Thanks all for the posts so far, I'm heading out soon so will read in more detail tomorrow.

@pikkumyy77 to clarify, my friend has family local enough and her brother will take guardianship of DD, even if over 18 and until her education is finished. My friend owns her house so ironically DD will be ok when she dies as life insurance will clear the mortgage and the house will be put up for rent, so DD will have a rental income for as long as she likes, or she can move home and live rent / mortgage free forever.

Is there any scope to have a quiet word with the brother? Maybe you could do a regular food order through him? Why aren't her family helping, are they not in a position to, or doesn't she want them to know?

I also agree with those saying no anonymous drop off, have a word with her - I love you and care about you and I know you wouldn't let me struggle, so how can I watch when I see you struggling, let me give you a hand. It's not charity, it's friendship. Also suggest doing things for her daughter as you're her honorary aunt / godmother.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 29/10/2023 20:49

I think do it. You can show her this thread to show that have thought about it carefully and that you genuinely just want to help out your friend because you can.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 29/10/2023 20:50

Why don’t you start doing an online weekly shop there must be an anonymous way to do this?

If she has family around why isn’t anyone helping this is so sad.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 29/10/2023 20:51

It would make me unable to sleep if I knew someone in this situation I would have to just tell her it’s not time for pride and I would be helping no matter what.

Preschoolmum78 · 29/10/2023 20:53

I’m in a similar situation as your friend and 2 uni friends frequently insist on paying for coffee and lunch when we meet and slip me some money for Ds each time despite my insistence. Sometimes it does feel very hard to accept but they insist. I know it’s hard for them too as we trained together and now they are doing great in their careers getting promotions I had to drop out and I’m working a few levels below and on a low income. I know it comes from a good place and they too are unsure how to support, I don’t like people taking pity on me though.
So understand what it’s like for both you and your friend.

I wouldn’t do any anonymous charity things. Or a supermarket voucher.
I would probably put together a large hamper with things she wouldn’t usually be able to afford like ‘nice’ coffee, tea, herbal teas, hot choc, soft drinks, non chilled juices, her favourite tipple, biscuits, crackers, puddings and custard, chocolate, sweets, Jams and chutneys, fancy pasta and sauces, snacks like crisps/nuts/breadsticks/jar antipasti/snack bars, nicer cereals or American ones for her Dd (b&m sell them), herbs and seasonings to make bland meals taste better, oils and vinegars, wild rice/quinoa/cous cous etc. plus you could add fancy toiletries and soap, nicer razors with extra blades, period pants or moon cups, favourite make up or nail varnish items if you know and a new pair of pjs or slippers each. Even add books if you know what she would like.

then give it in the next couple of weeks as an ‘early Christmas gift’ to use throughout the festive season instead of just after Christmas, with a handwritten card saying how much you value her friendship, positive words about her and Dd.

Then it doesn’t feel demoralising that you are paying for her food, but you will certainly make things a little bit easier for her and Dd, and with luxury treats she may not be accustomed to right now or wouldn’t buy even if she hard a supermarket voucher to make it stretch. It is an actual gift and easier to accept and reduces the amount she would have to spend herself.

Or gift a few months of hello fresh etc as she has more time to cook now.

also think planning a trip out like theatre/concert and dinner and saying dh etc doesn’t want to come could she please come (and saying you asked her before other friends) like she is doing you a favour and you’ll take care of everything might help.

Preschoolmum78 · 29/10/2023 20:58

Also, options like a cinema voucher (with enough for snacks)or for a beauty treatment for her and dd might be a nice touch.

I know it’s not the help they need, but when you are in survival mode all the time it’s nice to actually enjoy and live life a little bit and sounds like something completely out of her reach right now.

EnoughIsay · 29/10/2023 21:06

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 29/10/2023 16:33

This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

My friend had a friend in a bad situation.

Her solution was to have a bag of good groceries delivered to her house every week - anonymously!

It lasted about a year and worked really well. It meant that their relationship did not get converted in any way. (The only reason I know is because I do not know the friend, and am not the type to go digging).

CanIPutTheTreeUpYet · 29/10/2023 21:07

My first thought was to ask the DD if she would do some jobs/help with such and such job, ofcourse you're willing to pay for her help...
Batch bake and tell her you've made a lasagne etc up for such and such but such and such didn't fancy it, you've got enough already, would she like it so it doesn't go to waste...

You sound like an amazing friend OP, can't imagine how your friend must be feeling but good luck offering her your kindness.

ilovesushi · 29/10/2023 21:11

Help her out. Not sure what the best way is, but she must be beside herself with worry about her health and her finances. You sound like a lovely friend x

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 21:31

Favouritefruits · 29/10/2023 16:56

In this instance I’d forge a pretend letter about her winning 2nd prize in an postcode competition and put the voucher in the envelope!

That’s utterly bizarre thing to do. Fake a lottery win with hooky correspondence?
What if she guesses it’s a fake letter and bins the real voucher presuming it to be fake too
It’s a really daft idea

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 21:37

Don't fake a competition win . That's silly.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 21:37

Give your friends details of advice centres and probono law centres
law centre
contact local authority requesting a care act assessment
Be open you’re concerned and don’t push too much regards money it’s sensitive. can you offer practical help? Food prep? Collect her daughter from school
I would suggest ask GP for a supporting letter to apply for PIP

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Brainfogmcfogface · 29/10/2023 21:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 21:57

Genuine question,why are so many of you suggesting made up stories & lies. Stop trying to be a heroic saviour. If the friend wants to say no or de line,that’s her prerogative. It is not about making op feel better it’s about what works for the friend. So,Why not have a honest what can I do that won’t make you uncomfortable