Generous gesture or patronising?? Trying to help a friend

[Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong]

This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

My life insurance paid out for my cancer immediately I was diagnosed.

Maybe say you’ll pay for things for her daughter? She might find that easier to accept

This is what I was thinking. What a horrible situation for her to be in.

I think you should tell her that she needs to accept help for her daughter's sake if not for her own, and tell that you love her and it would make you happy to help her, that you can't bear to see her struggle.

She is at least fortunate to have a good friend.

Like a pp i was thinking along the lines of pretending you have won a voucher or something. Or could you say you've started doing surveys or mystery shopping or something that means you get regular vouchers which you don't need to use up in their entirety so split with her for free as they cost you nothing?

Tesco have been doing a couple of offers, say 4 frozen products for the price of 3. They also have cat litter which may or may not be helpful here though!

I don’t get it - pride is about ego, and her daughter is suffering as a result of it(I would say this to my friend, though many wouldn’t. But sometimes we need tough love;& I’ve been on the receiving end of it too from a close friend). Being vulnerable is hard, but we aren’t meant to do everything on our own. Her daughter is already dealing with the decline of her mother’s health & impending loss, but to have to go without food & essentials on top of that…it’s not right.

I think helping her out is wonderful, and very generous of you. Tell her you won’t take no for an answer, and it’s not charity, you’re helping out two people you love and care about.

It’s not about pride, it’s about taking help when one needs it - we all need help sometimes, and there is no shame in that. No woman is an island. Let me help to ease your burden and worries, as you already have enough to deal with.

Is she definitely getting everything she is entitled to. Maybe it would be more helpful going with her to citizens advice. I also think a supermarket voucher or hamper would be a good Christmas present.

I would say to her that you have had hard times in the past and accepted help. You can see she's having a tough time and you want to help her and her daughter. I'd say I want to give you some money to make things easier for you. You would do the same for me and my children, I hope. And don't even think of giving it back - I'm giving it as a friend because I love you and your daughter.

I would buy a series of vouchers for £20 each, so she doesn't have to spend them all at once. And I'd send them with a long note, explaining this isn't charity, it's because she means the world to you and you are convinced she'd help you out. You know she is a hard working and proud woman and would never be in this predicament if she weren't ill, but you hope she will see that this is just one way you can think of to ease unnecessary stress for her and her daughter because you love them and think they deserve more peace of mind over every day things.

If she can see it is done with love, maybe she will accept.

I don't think it's patronising at all, OP. I think it is lovely.

I think your friend would struggle to accept a large voucher.

Is she in touch with a charity relevant to her health? They often have great advice including financial.

She may not want to go to a food bank but look up social pantry as some feel more comfortable going to one. You pay a small amount and leave with food to a far greater value.

Maybe you could have a tactful conversation about I understand it's important to you to be able to feed yourselves, could I help in a small way by giving DD sanitary products?

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong

I think you're lovely to want to help, but unfortunately I think at this point you have to take her pride into account. If you can get away with it, invite them to your house for dinner now and then and send home the leftovers, perhaps 'overbuy' some food item, say your DH or DC did it, and ask her to 'take it off your hands or it'll spoil', but if she pushes back or insists on hosting you or refuses your offer don't offer again.

But what I would do would be to start stashing away money in a 'rainy day fund' with her in mind. The day may come that she is desperate enough or ill enough to have to bury her pride and it would be nice to know I had money set aside that I could draw on to help her.

I think test the waters by giving her a £50 food voucher and if no negative vibes, follow up with same on a regular basis. Or give her some cash in an envelope and tell her it’s for clothes or whatever for her daughter.

First- I think you are amazing.

I’m wondering if it would be more helpful to just have a standing grocery order with some basic nutritional food- some milk, bread, veg. If she accepts it, then at least she will know they will always have some food in the fridge for her daughter.

Of course, the hard bit is her accepting it. I would just be clear that you love her, the value she and her daughter brings to your life is immeasurable, and that this is one very small thing you can do.

Again, you are amazing

I thinking lying about it or doing it anonymously is not the way to go.

I think giving her some power in the situation is a lever here - explain that you love her and by accepting the gift, she’d be giving you the return gift of feeling helpful to her. Say at the moment you feel totally helpless and you worry about her and that actually knowing she had £100 for food would ease your mind, so she’s doing you the favour by taking it.

Could you make some meals to fill up the freezer so it feels more like support than financial charity?

alternatively I’d say something like “I’ve recently come into some money and I’d love to share it with you.” Maybe say you won on a scratch card or something. I don’t know why but that feels less charity and more sharing.

Can you cook for them? Send them a few meals a week over?

My approach would be an old-fashioned conversation

"Friend, I know you're going through rough time. I care for you and for your daughter and I really want to help. I make more money than you and your daughter really needs to eat and get supplies. Here is a x voucher"

Making it about the daughter might distance her. I don't like anonymous letters. Approaching honestly and frankly will reduce the embressmend. Dancing around it makes it awkward. If she still says no then just say that it will be donated to the nearest foodbank.

Go to her house with groceries. If she declines then just say it will go to trash. This would work best with my bff and her pride. I'm all for directness.

On top of if she could To come to yours for dinner and offer to help her with finding the correct benefits etc.

A couple of ideas - could you say you've had a win on the premium bonds and you're giving an amount to all your friends and relations?

Also, my dad does online surveys and gets Sainsbury's vouchers, could she do that from her sofa when she's not up to working?

If she is your friend, I would give cash rather than vouchers. She can shop around at different places and the money can go further or she might owe it to other people and could clear a debt with it or her DD could use some for a day out with friends so your friend can have some rest.

Another alternative would be to give her a load of food and say you have a friend who forgot to cancel her online shop in time and ended up with a full trolley of food the day before a 2 week holiday and did she want the food rather than it spoil before your mate gets back.

A further option would be to sit down with her and say "I know you're in a sh*tty situation, here's £200, you need it more than I do, I know you'd do the same for me, spend it on whatever you want, I don't want or need it back and we never need talk of it again". You could even put a note and the cash in an envelope or a Christmas card. But if you give her cash, don't mention it again. A gift should be let go of with both hands.

Could you do something like a gohenry card (I don’t know how old the daughter is), and explain that you’d like to top it up for her daughter if there’s anything she needs, or wants a treat for her and her mum every so often? That way, she knows there’s money there if she needs it but it’s less charity and more for her daughter.

you sound like a lovely friend.

I’ve done something similar before and transferred money and told them they can do whatever they want with it and if it’s too generous, they are welcome to donate it to a charity of their choosing. I think giving a big voucher to a supermarket says “here’s what you should be spending money on”, whereas she may just want to treat herself and her DD.

I'd just say to her that she means a lot to me and I happen to have a few quid spare which is just through luck really and I'll be really upset if she doesn't take it. Tell her she can pay you back by continuing to be such a good mate and you know she'd do the same for you if the situation was reversed.

Your friend is in a terrible situation. I admire her determination to do it alone. However, if it was one of my good friends I'd sit them down and have a very honest conversation with them. We can be quite blunt and I'd tell them to stop being so stubborn and accept the help.

NRFT but is there a charity or organisation that supports people with her prognoses?

Is she in touch with them and have they got outreach workers who can ensure she is receiving everything she is entitled to?

Could they advise you on the best way to support her?

It was before the days of Ring doorbells so I would be nervous of this now, but I once dropped a few hundred quid through someone's door with a note saying it was to anonymously acknowledge all the work they do for the community. The real reason is a bit more complicated. Can you do something similar? Maybe by post if CCTV could be a problem.