Generous gesture or patronising?? Trying to help a friend

[Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong]

This is more of a WWYD scenario. I have a friend who is a single / lone mother to DD age 14, no father since before birth. She is in an awful situation financially after becoming ill and has been trying to work against medical advice. She has finally accepted she can't do this and is now working a few hours a week more for MH than anything. I presume she is getting some sort of disability payment. She has always struggled financially but is extremely proud and will never accept "charity". In the past I found it a bit frustrating as I might buy her an expensive coffee but she would insist on paying me back the next time, then sit there with water cos she couldn't afford two. These days if we meet its for a walk or we buy our own drink etc.

We talked frankly recently and i realised her situation is worse than I realised. She does not have enough for food sometimes and is worried about her DD's constant need to eat. She mentioned a situation where she ordered an item for the house that was £6 more than advertised and how she had no choice but to pay, so an item her DD needed for school had to be delayed by another month. She was nearly in tears telling me about this £6 deficit.

I was thinking of buying her a voucher for her local supermarket for a few 100s but don't want her to be upset or feel indebted to me. I am not sure if I should give this to her or drop it in anonymously. Would that be a really strange thing to do? I think she may have gotten over her attitude against taking hand outs as she mentioned how generous some neighbours were for buying her groceries when she was recovering post surgery.

For context her prognosis is horrific - she is terminal and will decline slowly becoming disabled for a time. Her hope is that DD won't be a carer and that she will hold off the disease til DD is finished school then make a swift exit. Thats her best scenario. She is in relatively good health now and is saying she would like to make the most of her time, but her lifestyle right now is miserable.

My best friend helped me out when I was going through a bad divorce. I hid a lot from her but she would bring me food for my dog. A shopping bag each week that she had bought the BOGOF offer or she and her husband had both bought accidentally! Or the local butchers had a deal on and there were few items that she didn’t like in the pack. Could I do her a favour take them off her hands. Likewise clothes she bought it cut off the label so unfortunately she couldn’t take back so would I wear it?!!! I knew what she was doing and she knew that I knew but I didn’t feel so embarrassed or ashamed the way that she did it if you understand. Now that I’m back on my feet I treat her to meals out and lovely bunches of flowers! I know your friend won’t be able to but that’s what you could say to her ! Also as she is so ill surely she shouldn’t have to worry about surviving day to day so encourage her to look into any help she can get. I know of a charity think it is CAP Christian’s against poverty they might be able to help. Best wishes to you and your dear friend x

I would be making extra food when I cook our's and deliver her meals. Not only will she save money but she will save time and energy.
I would also take her daughter out for trips to give her something extra - ie movies, bit of shopping etc - and be buying her daughter some things she needs or wants

I would do it anonymously. Don't bring it up, don't say anything just do it. It seems she needs help but is too proud to ask. Your gift is very generous, you get to help (and knowing you've helped) she gets the help but gets to keep her pride in tact - win win.

Not patronising at all, it’s a lovely gesture. I’ve been in times of crisis and would have prayed for someone to do this. You are a good friend OP @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong Don’t worry about it being anonymous just hand it to her. If I was doing it I would probably say I love you here’s a little gift.

I would put £150 on a voucher and give it to her. I wouldn't do it anonymously, as she may worry who knows her personal business and might not use it. If you're worried she won't accept it, tell her your work gave it to you and you won't use it.

Your friend needs to claim pip and universal credit.

Say you’ve had a win on premium bonds and you want to share it with her, you sound like a really lovely friend

Could you say you won some grocery store vouchers and you want to share them?

My goodness, your poor friend. What will happen to her daughter once the worst has happened?
I agree with pps, contact a charity to find out what she is entitled to, and maybe find out about the dad? Being proud is one thing, but her daughter going without is another. Can you offer to buy some things for her DD? School stuff, uniform, brownie/guides subs? Her daughter needs some support too.
What a heartbreaking post.

What an awful situation.
You’re very kind. The vouchers are a kind thought but if you do decide to go ahead don’t do it anonymously.

You sound so lovely. I think it may be hard for your friend to accept a voucher just like that given what you've described so I suggest finding some other way such as:

• saying you've been given a voucher for this supermarket but you never shop there so does she want to have it?
• ordering a food shop to be delivered with a bunch of staples at a time you know she'll be in and just tell her on the day so she can't cancel it
• every time you pop over just bring a couple of items that you say are 'going spare' or the delivery brought two 'by mistake'

I'm so sorry for her though must be so tough

The best thing you could do is to help your friend get the benefits and support she is entitled to. If you aren't good with filling out forms etc could you help her to get an appointment with CAB or another advice organisation. If she has a cancer diagnosis MacMillan will help with this, if not could you do some internet research on her behalf to find information on benefits and any charities that could help.
Could you give her lifts to appointments etc.
If you want to help with money I suggest offering to pay for things for her DD, perhaps as Xmas/bday gifts as this will be easier for her to accept. Teens nowadays will really appreciate decent trainers, a phone etc which may be a struggle for her mum.

Another possible idea - do you have a garden in which you grow things? - (even if you have actually gone and brought some tomatoes and then emptied them into a tub as if you'd picked them from the garden) - a 'I have far more than I can actually use I'd rather them not go to waste' probably wouldn't be seen as patronising things like broccoli, leeks etc are this time of year) - even if it's a 'my mum brought them to me as she grows them and I know we won't eat them but I couldn't say no to her' - I've passed apples and pears onto people before as the trees in my mum's garden had a bumper crop, my uncle tried to palm rhubarb off on everyone he could last year, a neighbour quite often puts a basket at the front of her house with help yourself or they will take them to the community larder,

The idea of saying you’ve won a voucher and giving to her is a good one - maybe £200 for a supermarket where she could by clothes/stationary/toiletries too. There is no pride to be had when the daughter is losing out too. You are a lovely and considerate person OP.

This is so tricky. I think I’d focus the offer around her daughter because people find it much easier to swallow their pride and accept things for their children than they do themselves. Maybe say you’d like to do something for her DD because of how brave/helpful she’s being etc. and you know that things are a strain so this is how you’d like to help. Some ASOS vouchers to clothe the DD or get her a warm winter coat/boots, Tesco vouchers to help with the teenage bottomless pit of eating and school supplies or Amazon vouchers to contribute to her DD’s Xmas. Just ideas - not sure what you think but that might be the way of approaching it. I think a kind, firm, no-nonsense approach and a “I want you to accept this and we’ll say no more about it” type thing how I’d go.

Others have given great suggestions. I also wondered if it was possible to put money in the daughters school account for lunches, trips extra etc.

If someone dropped money through my letterbox I'd be too frightened to use it incase someone asked for it back/it was the wrong house etc.
maybe drop her round some groceries every now and then to help out? She is less likely to refuse it or try to give it back.
You're doing a very kind thing and I totally get how you want to help without patronising her

Someone here on MN told the story of a neighbour whose “freezer broke down” a few days before Christmas and they were given all the ingredients for a family celebration…
Kind, thoughtful and in the Christmas spirit.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Talk to your friend. Explain that you care about her and her dd very much and want to help and you've decided to give her a voucher for X shop that you don't want to hear anymore about.

Ask her what she would do if your situations were reversed - would she like you just to accept the voucher and make good use of it?

I’m really surprised at people saying to lie about winning a voucher. That’s so obvious, I’d feel more patronised by that, than by help from a friend.

And an anonymous gift? I’d hate that. Really hate it. Not knowing who it was from - or thinking I did but no confirmation - would fuck with my peace of mind.

I agree with the poster that said first make sure she has all the support she needs to claim anything she might be able to.

Then I’d pick an expense that’s for her daughter not her (so might help with pride) but then be absolutely up front about it. “Friend, I know this is really hard for you, but there should be love between us not pride, cash in this envelope is for daughter’s school dinner account, and I’m leaving it here now, and don’t want to talk about it again.”

If she insists it’s no, hug her, and respect her decision and tell her it’s there another time if she wants it.

She's been frank with you so I'd do it back. Tell her you want to make life a little easier for her and what's in the envelope is a GIFT for her to do that. The way she pays you back is by saying thank you once, spending it however she wants and then never mentioning it. Can she, as your friend, let you do this one thing for her?

One thing you could do for the daughter is make sure your friend has watertight legal arrangements drawn up for her daughter, a will and POA. She should not leave ANYTHING to an informal agreement with her family.

Ask if she is claiming all she’s entitled to. Speak to local Citizens Advice as they sometimes also have fuel vouchers and can do a food bank referral.
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

If she used to work before she fell ill, she may be able to get financial help from a workers association. And her profession and illness into this search to see.
https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

Do you have a supermarket loyalty card? I'm wondering if she could spend your points rather than cash. That way you could help but it doesn't actually cost you anything. She might find that easier to accept.

I have a friend that really struggles financially and refuses to accept gifts. Although her circumstances are not as tragic as those you describe, I want to help but don’t really know how as she won’t accept help.

Last month I bought a giant pack of washing powder. This was a genuine buy but my husband (who she knows so a snob and fussy) didn’t like it. I took it round and she happily accepted it as we would (genuinely) have offered it out on Facebook or chucked it otherwise. She took this and I know it helped her enormously as washing powder is a ‘non priority’ essential that I know she goes without regularly. I’m now thinking of similar scenarios that I could arrange to help.

Could you do similar? Perhaps receive a hamper gift that you don’t really like? I’ve also got a (genuine) restaurant voucher that I used two thirds of with my family and they weren’t fussed, am taking her out to lunch with the remainder. Not sure how much mileage is in this idea before my friend cottons on but makes me feel I’m helping right now.

This is, perhaps, patronising too but I also asked my friend for a couple of small favours in the meantime (a delivery that I wasn’t going to be in for that I sent to hers, borrowing last minute baking supplies (I needed 4 eggs- replaced with a full pack the next day) so it doesn’t feel so one sided.