Not to understand why people who find their first child really hard and question whether they did the right thing

[Parpadew]

have a second one?

Are they hoping the second will make things easier?

I don't think it's weird or daft to have a second child after you've had one difficult one or have found parenthood very challenging. If parents feel like they've lost themselves or their freedom, well, that's going to be the case whether they have one child or two and maybe at least they want their child to have some company growing up.

I get what you mean OP, there are people who seem to actively hate being a parent yet go on to have another and then incessantly moan about them. I don't mean those who struggle but find it worth it, but people who shout at their children, treat them like shit, don't take an interest in them and talk crap about them constantly with no reprieve. Thankfully a minority but it is perplexing and I do wonder what the thought process behind it is.

If my second DS had been our first, we would never have had a second. Thankfully our first DS was a very happy, contented baby, who lulled us into a false sense of security 😂. Ours are grown up and best friends as well a close brothers.

Depends. There is a big difference between it being hard and having an initial tough time compared to hating parenting and regretting it. With the latter I don't understand why they have multiple children when parenting isn't what they enjoy and they feel that their lives were better before. I was in the first group, dd1 was born tiny, wouldn't drink milk, my life only got easier when she was 6 months and by then I was pregnant with ds. Even through the worry with dd1 I was besotted with her, she was a joy.

Well you have lost all your freedom because you have a child. You can’t return to your pre child life. So you may as well have an another child and hope it is better this time ! Hahhaaa

Also, some people really want a girl/ boy and hope they will find it easier.
‘we’re so pleased we are having a girl,
they are such calmer !’

😂 SNAP!

we’re so pleased we are having a girl,they are such calmer !

Literally never heard anyone say that, what impact would sex have on a baby's temperament? That's ridiculous.

If 'folk' are, then this description includes you.

Im a reception teacher and I always hear this when the parents come into tell me that little Bobby is going to be a big brother !!!!!
’We just know having a girl will
complete us a family . Girls are just so (insert adjective )

Because, on balance, the joy of 6+ months onwards made it 'worth it' a thousand times over.

Folk are so primitive

Well our desire to reproduce is primitive. But we are able to make rational choices about it too. Surely being able to look past short-term pain for the purpose of trying to have the size iof family we want, and then stopping, is far from primitive? If we were so primitive, most people wouldn't stop at two dc.

People look at the long term. If you had a difficult baby stage for whatever reason then you know it’s just a stage. Life and we change constantly. All babies and toddlers are different.

Alot of things can be tougher than you think, doesn't mean it's not worth doing. Our first was a nightmare, next two great.

Our first is now the most delightful child, and I'm so pleased we had more!

Can you really not get your head around this op?

I found my first incredibly difficult for the first year. But I also love them so much and have many amazing times with them. I wanted a second because I really valued having siblings myself, and I knew that even if it was that hard again I would love them just as much as I do my first.

In reality the second has been a doddle. A content, easy going baby combined with us knowing what we're doing and being in the swing of young family life. Both my children are nothing but an asset to our lives.

I think it would have been much more difficult in many ways to have the easy one first and the demanding one second.

Because although I massively struggled with the baby stage, I found it easier from toddler onwards. Plus I believe that a sibling relationship has potential to be really special and life changing so it was worth it.

In my case my second was a much easier baby so it was win win.

Having children is not what people expect it to be. For any of us really. Nothing can prepare you.

And human nature is to hope. Because otherwise we would be lost every time things went wrong.

Why not just describe the friend/family member situation that you are desperate to complain about and judge? The skirting around is painful to read!

The hormones post birth that make you want another are really strong for a couple of years.

I know a couple who have a DD 4.5 and a little DS who's 2

The father has said to be a couple of times how they thought the DS would be exactly like the DD but he's not and they find him a bit of a handful

I'm not sure why some people expect siblings to be the same

This. I was always going to have two kids and decided I might as well get on with it. And actually DS was much easier for a while when DD was born as he had someone else's attention to show off for, and when they were old enough to play together. I had also heard that two kids cancel each other out a bit and when the first one is that hard, a second is not really double the effort - I found this to be true.

I had no expectations or even hope that DD would be easier - I thought that my first-baby experience was just baseline normal parenting, but to my shock she slept well from 12 weeks old, was dry day and night within a week of starting potty training, is polite and well behaved in restaurants and doesn't have to be dragged out from under the table all the time. It's been so much easier parenting a child who came with the correct instruction manual where conventional parenting just works as it is supposed to! Eldest is still a difficult child, but as we all get older I can see now that he's a carbon copy of my dad, who is intelligent, loyal and generous, but is also completely self-centred, enjoys being contrary for the sake of it, and an absolute nightmare to live with. It is what it is.

I hated the first year because I was so lonely trapped in the house with a baby who had horrendous colic, no family in the area and no friends as I had just moved here.

Baby number two completed my family. I was not lonely as we had friends with ds1, knew our way around, and the boys adored each other from the outset, so had fun together. I'm not a baby person and still found it tough, but it was worth it to see the boys giggling together, or cuddling up to watch TV . . . It was so much better with 2 rather than one.

This

Plus PND, should I have not had a second child because I was depressed in the first year? I knew it was situational and temporary (although did work through it and recover before having a second). Second time was almost as awful as the first time but I was able to cope knowing it was a phase.

Primarily because they want their child to have a sibling I imagine.

I kind of know what you mean, OP.
I know people who seemed to get absolutely no joy whatsoever from parenting to on to have second and even third children, and I always found it baffling. I wonder what it is like for kids to grow up with such visibly unhappy parents. There may of course have been lots of moments of joy and love at home that were not visible to outsiders like me so I don't want to be too judgy.
I am very much in favour of big families having come from one myself and I totally understand why people want to have two, three or more kids.
But I also wish it was more normalised and accepted for people to stop at one kid or to leave a bigger gap between babies if they were struggling to cope emotionally, financially or health-wise. Or if their marriage was under massive duress. There are some situations in which throwing another newborn into the mix could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. This seems to be a wildly unpopular and almost counter-cultural opinion where I come from.

It can! That happened to us.

So now any stretch of sleep over 2 hours is a bonus 😅 I’m glad we had it this way round 😂