Not to understand why people who find their first child really hard and question whether they did the right thing

[Parpadew]

have a second one?

Are they hoping the second will make things easier?

This is true. You reap the benefits later on but just can't always recognise it whilst in the shit storm.

Yeah but there's hard and there's "I've lost myself and I can't take pleasure in anything and I feel so touched out and I think my marriage is in tatters and I want my septuagenarian parents to give childcare on tap while I go out whenever I want because I can't stand having no freedom".

I'm obviously not asking why ANYONE has two kids just the ones who seem broken by #1.

Because they don’t want an only child?

Folk are so primitive

p.s. also giving the 1st child a sibling, that can go either way in my experience but when it goes well then can be if huge benefit to both children, some of my children are incredibly close and provide each of huge support and joy.

You clearly are referring to one specific case here and so only they can answer, and quite frankly you don't need to know 'why'.

I'll certainly be expected to help/sympathise as I am now so it's my business as to whether I continue to do so.

Well, children are human beings, some are more challenging to be around and look after and some less. Second time round tends to be much less daunting too in a sense of reading their cues better, having some equipment already bought and set up, knowing how to use it, knowing a lot more about feeding, weaning, sleep, routines...all these things that take up a lot of your mental space first time round and make it hard especially with a more challenging little one. Second time round things might well be very different.

It's a wider phenomenon, though. Now in my forties my friends are mostly pretty open that parenthood isn't exactly what they expected or wanted. But they at least had a period of optimism to get where there are now.

Because they want their child to have a sibling? Obvioysly it doesn't always work out like this, but my teenage dc have always got on amazingly. Dd's life growing up would have been very different if we hadn't had ds.

Similarly, my DM almost gave up trying to have a second after me (miscarriages and other issues), plus I was a difficult baby. Dsis and I have a great relationship, and our dc get on really well too. People with good relationships with their own siblings, cousins etc might find it hard to let go of the chance of their dc having that.

This. The second one can play with the first! It takes the pressure off

Because I absolutely didn't want an only child and was afraid of regretting not having another. I thought long term.
Also had come to terms with the lack of family help, and budgeted accordingly so we could use nursery from an early age and outsource the hardest bit.
Best decision ever.

Such a goady thread.
I won't mentioned undiagnosed disabilities....

But I don't know one person who thought that having a second child would make things easier.

Who are you talking about OP? These people don't exist

People just hope for the best and sometimes it goes well or other times it’s too much for them, doubt this is a permanent phase they’re going through. With experience we expected the 1-3 phase to be a complete nightmare with each child and it generally was, would happily just skip that phase but is much better when their a bit older and surviving that hell seems worthwhile

Lots of people do things they find hard, but still do them because they have a greater goal they want to achieve. We all do this all the time in work goals, sporting goals, personal goals.

Because it can be lovely, despite the crushingly hard work at the start.

People are great (mostly), why wouldn't you want them in your lives? My DC are such good company now.

Same here, outsourced a few hours to nursery to maintain some sanity in the toddler years but now have 2 school aged children who are an absolute joy together

Just because something is hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

Sometimes the good times outweigh the hard times.

Because children are all different so you don’t know if the second will be as hard.

Because someone may really want two children to complete their family and they may just want to get the hard times over with.

So many reasons… I could write more but it’s not really hard to see it from their perspective.

This is me except there will be no third.

My first was high needs from the day she was born - I remember being in hospital and she was just screaming - so much so that the midwife came to try and help me settle her - midwife tried everything, then handed her back to me saying “I think you have just got a screamer” and she was right. She slept well, ate well and developed completely normally but screamed all the time. She’s 8 now and is still dramatic, but she’s kind, she’s hilarious, she’s creative and she’s smart too. She’s always been pretty well behaved - even as a toddler we didn’t need to lock cupboards or hide away paint/pens, she never “ruined” anything. Just screaming.

My son on the other hand was an angel as a newborn. Didn’t cry. Still only cries for a few minutes at a time and can be distracted out a temper. But he cannot be left for a second or he may die. He picks things up and throws them. He climbs. He jumps. He gets into things he shouldn’t.

I thought I’d mastered parenting when I had my first, then my second was completely different.

Because they want a sibling, because they want a family, because they think second time round it will be easier. Because even though they find it hard the benefits still outweigh the difficulty?

It depends on what you find hard, if it's the lifestyle change you might think well my lifestyle has already changed. If it's the lack of sleep you might think it's a temporary period of pain

If you have a problem with an individual person why don't you speak to them?

My first born was an absolute delight but a big shock at how much she changed our lives (for the better).

I don't know anyone who had a difficult first child, sorry.

Perhaps they only felt like that in transition? If you liked your old life, realising how different parenthood is can be hard. But once you’ve accepted and even embraced it, a second may be a good idea.

The biological urge to reproduce is quite strong, for some folk at least.
Also some folk say 'well it cannot be any worse' (when it can), or some folk may get pregnant without meaning to (failing to use contraception properly or at all, the 'unlucky' small percent it doesn't work for), some might want a sibling for the first child, and so on.

Because I knew it would be different when they were children and I knew I wanted 2 children/teens/adult children, I wanted to be a family of 4. I was right.

Early years with my first were hard, having second didn't actually make it that much harder. I wasn't getting any sleep anyway. We've come out the other side of toddlerhood now and have two children that are delightful and play well together, meaning I don't have to act as default playmate like I would for an only.