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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Rosiiee · 31/10/2023 07:22

From your update kind of sounds like you’re resenting DH for wanting to have fun without you and baby for a few days…. You know you CAN take a few days off parenting too right. It doesn’t make you a bad mum. You have a full life of being a parent god forbid you have a few days to yourself!

NancyJoan · 31/10/2023 07:28

Popping the dog into kennels for a few nights seems like a good idea. And while your husband is away, don’t worry too much about cooking/keeping the house tidy. Buy some nice ready made food you can just heat up, make some plans for some nice half day outings, have a friend over for an evening or watch a film once your baby is in bed. If you lower your expectations of what you should be doing, it might even be nice.

OopsaDazy · 31/10/2023 07:36

I look after our dog daily and take him into our office with me so he doesn’t cause my DH stress, I take my annual leave so DH can take his days off and I haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun…

But your DH has been on paternity leave for 6 months.

Why would you need to take your dog to the office when your DH is at home with 'only' one baby to look after? Can't he cope with a baby and the dog?
Is that why you feel you can't either?

Your first post painted a picture of a really great, hands-on H, sharing everything. Yet now, you are implying he's a bit hopeless and doesn't quite pull his weight (you're working full time, he's at home all day, yet you do most of the chores.) Why?

You sound resentful. Is that why you don't want him to have this holiday?

Totextornottotext · 31/10/2023 07:39

Yabu why haven't u booked the time off knowing he has a stag do? Can you get carers leave from work? This is a one off opportunity I don't think its fair to ask him to cancel it. I was a single parent from about 3 months juggling work and watching dc it can be done and for 2 days you will find a way just organise if you can i.e. meal prep, toys ready, nappies and wipes at reach etc

supersop60 · 31/10/2023 07:57

OP - the sentence that leaps out to me is that you haven't had a day off for your own fun. Also that your annual leave has been for your DH benefit.
That needs to be balanced.
You will cope while your DH is away, and then you need to talk about you having time off for fun. It's important, or you'll build resentment.

Jcf1977 · 31/10/2023 07:58

It seems odd that you can differentiate him away for work and fun. Coping is coping and you clearly have coped when you had a younger child (not sure when the puppy came into it, but perhaps not the best time to get one?) Perhaps it’s because you haven’t had a trip and you are feeling a bit like it should be you.
I can only imagine the grief a man would get for posing this q about his stay at home wife…
the trip is booked so he obviously thinks it’s reasonable. Did you not discuss it beforehand? From what you have described as his role and level of hands on with your boy, I would say it’s well deserved. My DH took annual leave to be man on when I had girls trips/ work trips and vice versa (he was not SAHD but we all need to get away sometimes and let our hair down) I think you know what (not) to do.

Eskimal · 31/10/2023 07:59

Put the puppy into kennels?
do a load of meal prep ahead of time.
work out what it is you can’t cope with and put a plan in place?

Doris86 · 31/10/2023 08:01

Of course he should go. If you can’t cope with your nearly one year old child by yourself for 3 nights, then you have serious problems.

Do book yourself a weekend away with your friends at some point though, and leave your child with your husband. We all need a break sometimes.

IhaveanewTVnow · 31/10/2023 08:04

You are being 100% unreasonable. As a couple you share the care so most of your leave will be used covering childcare.

in one post you say he is helpful, so if you are bathing the baby he is cleaning the kitchen. However in a later post you say that you do the majority of housework. So what is it?

it must be lovely having your partner at home looking after your child. How lucky are you both.

anotherside · 31/10/2023 08:05

Either you both get a break/trip (ideal) or neither of you do.

nearlyemptynes · 31/10/2023 08:06

You have 1 child - open your eyes and look around you and see that people are coping with much more

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 08:08

Biancagreenly · 30/10/2023 20:22

@Tourmalines self-centred? I’ve done my mat leave, I work full time, I do the vast majority of house chores, I look after our dog daily and take him into our office with me so he doesn’t cause my DH stress, I take my annual leave so DH can take his days off and I haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun…

I might be a lot of things but can hardly see how I’m self-centred.

I haven't taken a day off to "have fun" in my almost 18 years of parenting! My leave has always been to look after the dc/go on holiday with them...I think that's pretty normal.

You will be fine. I left my exh with our two dc to go away for a few days with girlfriends when they were 9 months and 2.5 years old. They were all fine when I got back and it did me good.

Rosiiee · 31/10/2023 08:08

@anotherside Jesus. What sort of relationship do you have with your partner! That’s such an odd way of thinking. It’s completely ok to take turns socialising with your friends without your partner? Sounds a bit co-dependent and controlling to say ‘it’s both of us or nothing’!

mooneigh · 31/10/2023 08:12

I may be wrong, but I get a hint that deep down you are concerned he is going away with friends for a stag do, as it sounds like you cope when he goes away for work.

It is perfectly normal for it to play on your mind a little. But enjoy some alone time and as others have said quick easy meals or a take away, treat your self and most of all this would mean he can have the baby and puppy for a few days while you go away and treat your self or have a girly few days away.
Don't worry about it and enjoy.

If he looks after the baby full time while you work /or you suffer with health issues or AD or something then this is a completely different story and you need to talk to him. It is very difficult to judge when we don't know the full situation.

However either way talk to him, if you have a good trusting relationship then talk to him rather than on here.

It seems like most people are at you on this thread. But as said it is very difficult to help / offer advice when we don't know the situation.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 08:28

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 08:08

I haven't taken a day off to "have fun" in my almost 18 years of parenting! My leave has always been to look after the dc/go on holiday with them...I think that's pretty normal.

You will be fine. I left my exh with our two dc to go away for a few days with girlfriends when they were 9 months and 2.5 years old. They were all fine when I got back and it did me good.

Show quote history

“ I haven't taken a day off to "have fun" in my almost 18 years of parenting! “

why on earth not?!

start now and take yourself off for cocktails or a spa!!

Marnie1818 · 31/10/2023 08:30

Let him go for one reason…. You get to go on holidays with your friends and he will have to suck it up!

MandyFriend · 31/10/2023 08:30

I'd let him go on his stag do, but only on the understanding that when he gets back, you'll be going on a four-day spa break to recover!

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 08:30

“haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun”

well you need to start then don’t you? @Biancagreenly

Pezdeoro41 · 31/10/2023 08:31

Absolutely no reason he shouldn’t go. That’s not long, yes it’ll be tougher than usual but hardly impossible. I’m on my own with a 3 year old DS all the time!

But then - as others have said - he repays the favour and you get a trip too. Giving each other time off is really important.

Lazyj · 31/10/2023 08:35

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 04:42

I cared solo both baby and dog from day 7! Of course you will manage unless you are disabled in some way and haven’t mentioned it on here?

Why is his paternity so long? It sounds like you are losing your confidence caring for your own baby.

Dh has never been on stags etc, we don’t agree with them. You can always say the timing doesn’t work for you if it is impacting your work and ability to provide financially of course.

Edited

Sounds like she's gone back to work while he's taken paternity/shared parental. Mens paternity should be much longer than it is, I wish my husband's had been!! I think if the roles were reversed and she'd been the one on maternity and her husband was questioning not "letting" her go for a hen or girls trip, people would be going wild. (Though I'm pleasantly surprised most people agree she's being unreasonable)

YerArseInParsley · 31/10/2023 08:36

@Biancagreenly

First of all, is that your real name? If so, I'd be changing your user name as posts quite often get picked up by the media.

It sounds like you think you won't cope if your partners away especially as you've said your mum has come over to help when your husband has been away for work for 2 days. Are you worried about not being able to cope? I think you need to challenge yourself, partners can't be around all the time.

Who cares if your house is a bit of a mess for a few days and the dishwasher hasn't been emptied? No one really. Just do what's necessary and have fun with your baby.

Imo you would be unreasonable to ask your husband not to go UNLESS there's something you've missed out that you're not telling us.

Lazyj · 31/10/2023 08:37

anotherside · 31/10/2023 08:05

Either you both get a break/trip (ideal) or neither of you do.

Or people are just reasonable grown ups instead of playing tit for tat? Of course she should also go away at some point if she wants to, in a healthy relationship you don't need to keep scores.

IvyIvyIvy · 31/10/2023 08:37

You'll be fine. You and your DH just need to plan very well in advance - pre cook all the meals, lay out all the clothes, pre book or decide on activities for the day's. Perhaps buy a couple of new toys. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Is there a mum friend who could come and keep you company for an afternoon?

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 08:41

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 08:28

“ I haven't taken a day off to "have fun" in my almost 18 years of parenting! “

why on earth not?!

start now and take yourself off for cocktails or a spa!!

Show quote history

I mean, I've had fun, of course, but generally my annual leave has been needed to cover school holidays/spend with my dc. I am a single parent and my ex mostly used his leave to have fun (and still does) so someone had to be with the dc. They are older now though so I am starting to change this AND the bonus is I get EOW to myself to have fun so not all bad...

Melonmango70 · 31/10/2023 08:41

I don't have kids, but my husband is away for a couple of nights and it's THE BEST THING EVER!!

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