DH going away for few days

[Biancagreenly]

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

And another one! Recuperate from what?! She’s looking after one single 11 month old child, not a pack of feral chimps?!

I probably wouldn’t have phrased it like that c’mon! She’ll be caring for one child,
her own child, for 4 days. That’s it! Too
much drama, barring any subsequent drip feed,she needs to just get on with it.

I've just read through some comments and feel they're quite harsh. The OP is feeling overwhelmed. Doesn't mean she can't cope or needs to see the GP! When it's new scenarios as a mother it'll always feel unsettling. Don't worry OP. 1 child or 10 children it's always a worry.

Listen, I have taken care of twins by myself, one of whom is diagnosed with autism for 12 years. I did it ALL alone. Best believe I'm no lightweight but she hasn't had to do it before so I understand why she's scared. She is used to having help and that's ok. If she had to do it alone long term, she would probably find the strength because she has no choice like a lot of us😭

Can you leave the dog with someone for the few days?

Seriously, OP (and I know you'll still be reading even if you aren't posting) it comes over as if you might need advice from someone.

I don't mean seeing a medic, but the issue seems to be time management and needing a constant hand-hold.
Do you have the same issue at work?

If you have a real issue organising your time, unable to multi-task, need support to plan meals for yourself, find 'housework' overwhelming over those 3 days, because your H is away, something sounds amiss. This is not a normal reaction.

Most mothers don't have another adult at home to help with childcare. If they are at home alone, they are used to looking after the child from 8am-7pm after which time the child is in bed so they have the evening to themselves. This is when they use the time to maybe pre-prepare a meal for the next day, catch up on laundry, or just relax!

There are always times during the day when your child is having an afternoon nap (so you can get on with chores etc) or when they can be in their bouncer etc and you know they are safe.

What exactly the issues are that are making you anxious are quite hard to understand.

If it's time-management and it's an issue right across your life, is this something to explore?

always been a silent reader but this warranted my first post!

sorry to say but I do think you’re being unreasonable, my partner works away 5.5 days every week and leaves me with 2 school ages children, 1 toddler and a baby. He returned back to work the day after my youngest was born. I live in a very small house, which with 4 children get messy very quickly and you bet my partner still comes to a clean home and a nice cooked meal!

Mum instincts will kick in and you’ll make it through.

My partner use to go out a lot and honestly subconsciously I think for me not wanting him to go, it was a jealousy thing. I was perhaps jealous that he got to go out and I’d be home with the kids, but there’s really no benefit to stopping him having fun for 3 days because realistically you will find a way to manage!

I still think it’s the resentment of him off on a stag do ( and the bad name they have for themselves) whilst she’s at home with the baby. Maybe she doesn’t want to admit it as it can make someone feel they look insecure/ weak but having anxieties about such events is normal. Some people find them really overwhelming, others don’t care. Are you worried of the trip? Or simply anxious of being alone?

OP, your turn will come and he seems to do his fair share. He will be grateful and you may feel annoyed when he’s sipping beers on the beach and you’re changing a nappy but he will owe you your turn which is something to look forward to! The annual leave this is annoying, especially as in general, everyone is overworked and underpaid and it’s frustrating having to use it for mundane things but it’s the only option sadly.

Get treaty food in, autumnal walks, cake under a blanket, good TV, couple of new fun toys for babY ( cost of living is a sod so get this may not be doable ) if not they’ll happily play with a box! Get a friend round if possible, rent your fave movie on prime when baby is in bed, takeaway or ready made food, nice baths, get nice photos with baby, play centre, nice walk with dog and baby, collect leaves with baby and get them to explore the texture of them, nice glass of wine of an evening, chocolate, funny stuff to watch.

Itll be empowering. I use to be a single parent then my partner moved in and god I look back and wonder how I did it but I did! Now Im 100% more reliant and some days have to give myself a shake when I feel anxious about doing totally doable things! I didn’t even drive back then either! I’d have slapped myself at times now. We adapt. And you will. You’ll probs enjoy the time once you’ve settled then he will be back anyway then.

In regards to the dog, if it’s still being a pain in the bum like a puppy, look into some good training. Will help when one day you’re alone again.

You sound like a perfectionist ( house clean, food ready, structured play) etc. I don’t mean that in a horrible way btw. I just mean that some people do like strict routine and organisation and struggle if it’s not in place and maybe this is what is panicking you too. Try and get organised but if you’re out of the house as much as you can be in the day, and have easy meals, house should stay quite clean.

x

Use this time to enjoy mummy and baby time. It would be unreasonable to ask him not to go because then when will either of you get a solo break? Is there something in particular making you anxious or nervous about being alone? Most first time parents have never cared for a baby then they have one and we just have to learn and get on with it. I’m sure you will be ok just make some plans to keep you both busy.

You really do need to be able to care for your baby and puppy on your own.

“I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days.”

Blimey, what a load of drama over nothing.

It will help you become more confident in managing and I'm a bit perplexed at how you're not used to do any of this in reality? Does he do everything on his own? Once you spend some time you will realise it really isn't as difficult as you're dreading at all, one (as you said easy) baby and a puppy?! These days help is a a second away so there's always opportunity to ask people.

Talk about mountain out of a molehill

Honestly? Yes you’re being unreasonable. You have one child not 5 fgs. 🙄

Exactly this!
Literally in disbelief someone needs their husband to plan meals for them and clean the house to be able to have a few days away. And extra time in nursery 😳

It's great to work as a team, me and DH always have, but that shouldn't render you completely incapable of being independent or able to look after a 1yr old child solo for a few days, or plan your own food to eat.

Let him go

Fucking hell. What would you do if he died? I’m sorry to be so blunt but honestly, you have to be able to look after yourself and your son!

Why the hell would you get a puppy when you can’t look after your baby by yourself? Seems like a really odd decision to make!

This. I am a lone parent family, but if I wasn't and was going away a few days I would not be impressed if I was asked to plan meals and clean before I did, especially if the child is being chucked into nursery. Why not clean and cook then?

So over the top and demanding, if this was the opposite and a man asked the woman for this then I imagine it would be LTB. Don't expect your husband to forget about it when you go on your own break, no doubt after not offering the same for him beforehand.

The OP said that the dog is 2 years old. They got the dog before her son was born.

However they don't seem to have been able to train the dog very well. The dog is now unsettled because there is competition for their attention (the child.)

This is potentially dangerous as jealous dogs can be aggressive and for that reason they need some professional dog training to help.

And- note- she takes the dog to her office in order to 'make life easier ' for her H.

Which is hardly helping the situation because the dog needs training, not removing from the home.

You would be very unreasonable to ask him to cancel. You are a capable person.

You are massively over thinking

"I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days."

I think this is lovely. If you're used to working as a team, makes sense to prep together. My husband went away a few times for work when my daughter was a little baby (while she was still waking through the night etc), and we'd make sure the grocery shopping was done etc beforehand. Just makes life easier. (I do realise it's a lovely privilege to have an engaged co-parent on the scene and plenty of people manage without.)

I think OP might be working hence using the nursery for those that are saying it's OTT. Or if OP is still using annual leave on those days, why not have the mornings off for a bit of time to herself?

OP, once you've got this trip done, you'll feel more confident in your parenting. Honestly, your activities can be as simple as a stroll round the supermarket and playing with some blocks at home or whatever. They don't need much to be entertained at 11 months. You've got this!

A close relative of my DH died abroad when my twins were about 8 months old - he had to go away for a week - we had only just applied for their first passports so we couldn’t all go. You need to just get on with it. He’s your child! Thinking about it, my DH also had a prearranged 2 day golf trip when the dc were about 8 weeks old; I survived both of those trips (as did the children and the pets). We don’t have any relatives close by to help.

Totally unreasonable. You should be able to look after you own baby for a few days