Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Lazyj · 31/10/2023 08:44

Biancagreenly · 30/10/2023 20:22

@Tourmalines self-centred? I’ve done my mat leave, I work full time, I do the vast majority of house chores, I look after our dog daily and take him into our office with me so he doesn’t cause my DH stress, I take my annual leave so DH can take his days off and I haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun…

I might be a lot of things but can hardly see how I’m self-centred.

Clearly some resentment here...

Anyway you asked for opinions , you got them . YABU.

Take a trip away yourself when you want to, a relationship is a partnership, when I go away my partner has no qualms looking after OUR 18 month old, and vice versa. Everyone needs a break, I go out/away much more than my husband, because his friends are a little more insular, so it's definitely not weighted evenly but we are both free grown adults with respect for each other.

YerArseInParsley · 31/10/2023 08:50

JANEY205 · 30/10/2023 23:51

Outrageously unreasonable. It’s VERY unusual your DH is still on paternity leave and home with you and honestly I think it’s creates learned helplessness. I find it crazy you needed your Mum to come and stay for 2 days! You should be able to cope with your baby on your own OP and you may need to have a deeper look at what is going on if you’re not managing alone. (That goes for both parents I’m not being sexist). My husband is frequently gone for weeks at a time and I have 2 children under the age of 4 and a nightmare dog and we cope as we have to! I think he needs to go and you need to realise you CAN do this. Being this dependent on your husband is really really a big flag that something is going on with you.

@JANEY205

I agree with this, I definitely think there's something else going on when help is needed for 2 days but of course on this platform information is usually dripfed therefore the op isn't a true reflection of what's going on.

Luckyduc · 31/10/2023 08:51

You have 1 child who is almost 11 months......If you can't look after yer baby alone alone a few days then something isn't right. Plenty of single parents our their juggling 4. Think he deserves a break!!

Highlighta · 31/10/2023 08:51

Biancagreenly · 30/10/2023 20:22

@Tourmalines self-centred? I’ve done my mat leave, I work full time, I do the vast majority of house chores, I look after our dog daily and take him into our office with me so he doesn’t cause my DH stress, I take my annual leave so DH can take his days off and I haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun…

I might be a lot of things but can hardly see how I’m self-centred.

You were just saying upthread how fantastic your dh is around the house and that everything is shared, now suddenly you have sole care of the dog and do most of the house work. So which is it?

I think you are being self centered because I can bet there are occasions where your dh has done things for you, where in fact he could also have used that time for himself doing something. This is a partnership. A marriage. It is not a tally of one favour for me, one favour for you on some type of countdown. What ever happened to taking one for the team every now and then.

Take a few days off. Use that time to spend with just you and your dc. And think of it more positively than how am I going to cope for 3 days. You will and this is a perfect opportunity to see that you are able to. You just haven't ever had to do it before until now.

This is more to do with him wanting to go to a stag do to which you cannot go and do not want him to. Don't be this person that is getting all huffy because he has a life outside of your household, family and arrangements. If you have not had one day in 11 months to yourself, perhaps that is a topic that needs having a conversation over. Where are all your friends and why have you chosen not to spend time with them? It isn't like you cannot, you seem to have a very supportive system around you. Perhaps just something to ponder.

Lazyj · 31/10/2023 08:55

SkyFullofStars1975 · 29/10/2023 07:15

Just be aware that he'll be 4 days on the stag and then at least another 4 recovering from it.

I think grown men going on stags abroad are pretty fucking tragic to be honest, I'd have an issue with that not being left.

You also think grown women going on hen dos is tragic then? I'll tell you, it's a lot of fun 😄

Also who needs 4 days to recover. I went away this weekend , back to work on Monday, I'm a woman but that's irrelevant 😆 And my husband looked after OUR daughter , god forbid.

Sbera · 31/10/2023 09:01

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed something.

My husband works away a lot (sometimes up to 5 weeks) and I can totally empathise with how you are feeling. It always is easier to swallow when they are away working versus having fun on a stag do. But it feels overwhelming to not have your partner in crime with you and I think this is a lovely thing rather than a “you should be able to cope on your own” thing.

However, some things that helped me particularly when the children were much smaller.

  1. Batch cook now. Making a curry? Double it and freeze a portion. Spaghetti bolognese, chilli, casseroles all good options for this.
  2. Meal plan so that you know what you’re eating on what days so it literally is one less thing to think about. I still do this now and my kids are 12 and 14. Even down to breakfast and lunch.
  3. Clothes plan in the same way as meal planning. I had a clothes rail in my spare room with the clothes laid out for me and the boys for the week.
  4. If it’s only 4 days don’t do any washing, take that chore away.
  5. Consider a dog walker and / or kennels to take away another chore.
  6. Deep clean before he goes so that you are literally surface wiping and loading a dishwasher whilst he is away.
  7. Have a shopping delivery the day before he goes so that he can help put it away.
  8. Double layer the babies sheets on the bed. That way, if they wake in the night poorly or milk is spilt, you only have to strip a bed/cot and not remake it.
  9. Have baskets/boxes of toys for each day that are easily packed away. I use to use 7 ikea bags in rotation for each day of the week stored under the stairs. Easy to Chuck them in at the end of the day.
  10. Get out of the house every day. Even if this is a pop to the shops for a biscuit or visit the library. When you work and live in the same place the days can be very long.

And lastly agree a time each day when you can speak uninterrupted together. Just to be able to share some adult convo about little one laughing at XYZ or the neighbours putting the wrong bin out. It’s the snippets of conversation you miss the most in my experience.

I hope that whatever you decide this time, this might help you for another trip.

JRM17 · 31/10/2023 09:07

I'm sorry but if you cant look after your own child for 3 or 4 days alone you have no business having a child. What do you think single parents do????

CeibaTree · 31/10/2023 09:12

11 days old I would be asking him to cancel, but 11 months should be fine for you to look after on your own for a few days. I do get where you are coming from though - I was nervous about being left on my own with DC1 for the first time, but once you've done it once you will wonder what you were worried about! Just make sure you get to go away on a break too once in a while :)

femfemlicious · 31/10/2023 09:13

Let him go, then plan a spa hotel weekend to recuperate after...simples

SENDintheClowns101 · 31/10/2023 09:23

Completely unreasonable! How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot - I would never expect my husband to ask me to cancel plans just because he couldn’t cope with one child and a dog 🙄

fedupwithbeinghot · 31/10/2023 09:28

YABU. He's your baby. You are the mother and surely you've learnt how to do most baby related things in the last 11 months. You will cope, just like 1000s of mothers do every day.

fromdownwest · 31/10/2023 09:29

Sbera · 31/10/2023 09:01

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed something.

My husband works away a lot (sometimes up to 5 weeks) and I can totally empathise with how you are feeling. It always is easier to swallow when they are away working versus having fun on a stag do. But it feels overwhelming to not have your partner in crime with you and I think this is a lovely thing rather than a “you should be able to cope on your own” thing.

However, some things that helped me particularly when the children were much smaller.

  1. Batch cook now. Making a curry? Double it and freeze a portion. Spaghetti bolognese, chilli, casseroles all good options for this.
  2. Meal plan so that you know what you’re eating on what days so it literally is one less thing to think about. I still do this now and my kids are 12 and 14. Even down to breakfast and lunch.
  3. Clothes plan in the same way as meal planning. I had a clothes rail in my spare room with the clothes laid out for me and the boys for the week.
  4. If it’s only 4 days don’t do any washing, take that chore away.
  5. Consider a dog walker and / or kennels to take away another chore.
  6. Deep clean before he goes so that you are literally surface wiping and loading a dishwasher whilst he is away.
  7. Have a shopping delivery the day before he goes so that he can help put it away.
  8. Double layer the babies sheets on the bed. That way, if they wake in the night poorly or milk is spilt, you only have to strip a bed/cot and not remake it.
  9. Have baskets/boxes of toys for each day that are easily packed away. I use to use 7 ikea bags in rotation for each day of the week stored under the stairs. Easy to Chuck them in at the end of the day.
  10. Get out of the house every day. Even if this is a pop to the shops for a biscuit or visit the library. When you work and live in the same place the days can be very long.

And lastly agree a time each day when you can speak uninterrupted together. Just to be able to share some adult convo about little one laughing at XYZ or the neighbours putting the wrong bin out. It’s the snippets of conversation you miss the most in my experience.

I hope that whatever you decide this time, this might help you for another trip.

He is going away for 4 days, not leaving the OP with 17 children, 37 dogs, 4 infirm parents and a £3billion property empire to manage!

Rubyphoebetina · 31/10/2023 09:35

There is no way my husband would have been going away on a 3 day stag when we had an 11 month old, that being said our first born had allergies and I wasn't that well either. However if you have already agreed to him going on the trip I don’t really think you can ask him to cancel it now

SuspiciousLampshade · 31/10/2023 09:39

Yet another thread with a pile on 🙄 shocking that people come on here for advice and get told they shouldn’t even have children! It’s not a competition of who has it harder for Gods sake - it’s a legitimate feeling for someone who is used to having another parent around and hands on, and instead of tearing people apart for being honest about their feelings maybe you should be a bit more empathetic in your responses…

@Biancagreenly - I totally get where you’re coming from, I struggle with anxiety and the idea of looking after my two DC on my own can feel overwhelming at times. Kindly, YABU to ask him to cancel, but YANBU to feel this way. It’s always easier than it seems it will be beforehand and you’ll get into a rhythm really fast. And you have friends/family to talk to if it feels too much. I think your idea of figuring out how to juggle work etc in the long term is a good one, as life goes on after kids too and occasionally one of you will be away (like you said with your husband and work). You can do it :)

Highlighta · 31/10/2023 09:42

KateKateLee · 31/10/2023 02:32

DH went away for a week when my DS was 13 months. Ended up calling an ambulance 5am on second morning as he couldn't breath. DH was in US couldn't get back because of some strike. DS ended up in intensive care.

OP if you don't feel comfortable being left discuss it with DH I don't think you are being unreasonable. All of us have unique circumstances that only you can understand so don't feel bad or let others guilt you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am sorry this happened, but this was just fluke that it happened the day after your dh left for a week away.

I spent Christmas day in hospital with ds on his first Christmas. These are just things that happen, and can not be planned for nor prevented. You just manage, as I am sure you did.

If OP is already anxious I am not sure this post is all that helpful tbh.

Highlighta · 31/10/2023 09:43

fromdownwest · 31/10/2023 09:29

He is going away for 4 days, not leaving the OP with 17 children, 37 dogs, 4 infirm parents and a £3billion property empire to manage!

Show quote history

😂This gave me a very good giggle.

Milliemoos5 · 31/10/2023 09:44

I thought this too.. she suddenly changed the narrative from how much of a team they are to her now doing the majority of chores, never taking a day off in 11 months etc 🤷‍♀️

Horatiosmum · 31/10/2023 09:48

(*Unless there is mental / physical health issues at play here).

You have one small human and a small puppy. It's 3 days. . . 3 days you can spend some quality time with your child or 3 days when you need to juggle children, pets and a job. This is parenting, this is life!

You will face situations like this through your parenting journey (particularly if you have more than one child). Its best to start to learn to juggle life and parenting when they are small as when they get to 5 it gets so much harder!

My DH went away on stag dos and with work when we had a small baby, and also when we had 2 small children. I also went on a Hen weekend when our first child was 9 months old. It's healthy to have time away as well as spending time together. Parenting is hard.

See if you can get your child into a nursery for some taster days while you work reduced hours or plan 3 days of snuggles and pjs and take time off work.

It's as complicated as you make it.

OopsaDazy · 31/10/2023 09:58

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

But the narrative seems to have changed.
She now says she does most of the chores.

@Biancagreenly How do you think that SAHM manage? They are alone with a baby all day.

Working from home is a pretty new change and only came about during lockdown and Covid.

My DH got 2 weeks leave as paternity leave.
After that, I was at home all day with our baby. No family or friends nearby. DH never home till 7pm.

At 11 months our baby was sleeping from around 6pm.

I am struggling to see what your problem is- other than you resenting the fact you have to take use annual leave so your child is looked after.

It just comes over as jealousy. It's also sad that you don't seem to relish a few days on your own with your child.

Tourmalines · 31/10/2023 10:08

fromdownwest · 31/10/2023 09:29

He is going away for 4 days, not leaving the OP with 17 children, 37 dogs, 4 infirm parents and a £3billion property empire to manage!

Show quote history

🤣🤣

Onesipmore · 31/10/2023 10:21

To be honest I don't think 3 days as sole carer is that much. I had to deal with dh going on a work trip when my twins were 2 weeks old and I had had a C section. As previous posters state, do some pre planning, let standards slide a bit etc. Looking after a singleton at 11 months isn't hard.
Then when DH is back, ensure you book something for yourself.

Original poster
Biancagreenly · 31/10/2023 10:32

I won't be coming for another update. So feel free to keep piling on but I won't be back to comment after this.

I haven't changed my narrative, I think people love taking things out of context and polarise every comment made.

I do the vast majority of house chores, because he does the vast majority of childcare. That does not mean to say he can't wash a dish or that I can't change a nappy. That doesn't mean he is helpless (can't believe someone even suggested that!?) or that I can't parent. How is that so difficult to grasp?

I take our dog into the office because after months and months of trying he is simply not settling and it makes my DH life easier if the dog is not around, not because DH can't look after the dog either.

No, I haven't taken a full day for myself, but yes we both have our own hobbies and activities we enjoy. We take turns to make sure we both do our own thing. If he wants to go for a run in the middle of the day I look after DS in the meantime. If I want to go out for a drink with another friend DH stays at night looking after DS...

I cannot possibly explain every single tiny detail of our relationship... Are people really this simple minded?

Like @SuspiciousLampshade kindly said I am used to having a hands on parent by my side (just like he is also used to having me around all the time) so yes, the idea of not having him around makes me anxious. That does not mean to say I am incapable of looking after my own baby, or that I don't enjoy looking after him, of course I can and of course I love being with him. I can look after him and still feel anxious and uneasy about it.

So no, I am not pleased that I need to take annual leave yet again but yes I will do it and no I don't resent my DH, yes I do love him yes we make a good team, yes probably I would like to go on a spa day later on, no I am still not looking forward of being 4 days on my own, but yes I will manage, no I don't need to see the GP, no that does not make me a bad mum, yes I know other mums have it worse, or army wives, or single parents, or widows and yes I have a massive respect for them.

I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days.

To all the lovely mums who support mums, you rock! Thank you for the lovely, objective and understanding advice it was really helpful. Even if some were harsh I appreciate the politeness.

And to the mums who shame other mums, I hope you got your thrill of replying something from the safety of hiding behind your screen and I really hope I don't get to meet you in real life.

OP posts:
Mamabear48 · 31/10/2023 10:35

100% being unreasonable what a shitty thing for you to suggest

mammybird · 31/10/2023 10:36

Sorry but for everyone saying he should arrange someone else to do it, he HAS arranged childcare. His partner has previously agreed to take annual leave to cover. Parenting isn't every man for himself.
Sounds like OP is just anxious and having a "help me" moment but will likely be absolutely fine! I'd encourage OP to view it not as having to take annual leave so he can go away but as taking annual leave for some adventures with little one!

Fififafa · 31/10/2023 10:37

@Biancagreenly You did ask a question on AIBU and 95% of people said you were BU. No need to be so defensive.

Swipe left for the next trending thread