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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Mrsmaggie27 · 31/10/2023 10:40

You shouldn’t ask a question if you don’t like to get the answers.

pphammer · 31/10/2023 10:42

If he already goes away once a month for work, I think you're just worried with him going away for a stag.
If he's a lovely husband as you say, don't try to find excuses to fight it. A break will do him good

heyitsthistle · 31/10/2023 10:46

I totally understand that it is annoying that you now have to take annual leave. I may have missed a response to this but could you put the dog in a kennel for some/all of the time to give you a bit of a rest during the time he's away?

I can say that he does owe you a BIG one! Book your spa trip whilst he's away to make it feel even better, haha.

ClaraMaraa · 31/10/2023 10:50

Anxiety about these scenarios is perfectly normal, it’s the first time you’ll be truly alone with baby for more than a day, even if that is 11 months in, you’re allowed to be nervous about that. But asking him to cancel I think is over the top and unreasonable IMO.

The reality is it’ll feel hard but you will be fine, the first time alone is always gonna feel hard but you will manage better than you think you will, I promise. Just plan to keep busy and be out and about and you’ll enjoy your bonding time together. You got this!

Bunda · 31/10/2023 11:19

I think yabu. Your baby is 11 months not 11 weeks. And yes it's hard but we need to be able to manage on our own for a few days at a time.

OopsaDazy · 31/10/2023 11:22

Is the dog the issue?

If you can't cope with your dog, you either need to consider rehoming him/her OR going to dog training classes.

I appreciate the dog is now 2 years old but it would appear that they've not responded to training before.

Maybe it's the dog that is the issue?

I don't think people without dogs understand that dogs can't just be 'put into a kennel' willy-nilly , because many dogs find that stressful and it makes the whole thing worse.

Appleass · 31/10/2023 11:22

What a pathetic post ! Sounds to me like you have a very very easy life and cannot cope with a bit of hard work.

OopsaDazy · 31/10/2023 11:24

Your dog is not 'settling' now because he is jealous of your baby.

You really do need to get an expert dog trainer on board and get help.

It's quite unwise to have a jealous needy dog around a baby and I wonder if you have to take the dog to the office as you worry for your baby's safety when the two are at home (with only one parent around.)

Please address this, as it seems to be a serious issue.

cccarol · 31/10/2023 11:25

you should definitely let him go he shouldn’t miss the opportunity with his friends it will be very important to him xx

Simplehi · 31/10/2023 11:26

When my youngest was about the same age my DH went to his best friends stag for 4 days. I had 2 kids, 2 dogs and work full time, I also was expected at the end of the week to travel to the wedding, get all our stuff into our hotel room then get both kids to the wedding, I didn't see my DH until after the ceremony. Didn't think once about telling him not to go, I just got on with it.

OopsaDazy · 31/10/2023 11:33

I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days.

I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous.

As a grown woman, with an 11 month old child, (so hardly a baby) you're really saying you can't feed yourself and a baby for 3-4 days without another adult helping you plan meals in advance and you will both do some cleaning before he goes away?

How much cleaning does a house need if there is only you and an 11 month old in it for 3 days?

What on earth can need doing? A quick vacuum, wash the dishes, throw clothes into a washing machine?

If your child is not already at a nursery, do they take children who aren't on the register?

Good God, can you start to imagine how women 100 years ago coped on their own with 10 children, a H out at work and no mod cons?

Your update makes painful reading.

CornishGem1975 · 31/10/2023 11:35

Completely agree @OopsaDazy I've never read anything so ridiculous.

God forbid you have any more children OP. The world will implode.

Greenqueen40 · 31/10/2023 11:58

My DP went diving in Thailand for 3 weeks whilst I was pregnant and had 2&3 yr olds at home. I actively encouraged him to go and managed perfectly well without him (no family support). I find it baffling that people can't cope without a partner, the co dependency some people have is shocking on this site.
And no, it's not a race to the bottom from other posters making comments like mine. We are all just giving examples that it's perfectly normal to manage without a partners presence 24/7!

H007 · 31/10/2023 11:59

YABU you sound controlling.

ScotsGirl48 · 31/10/2023 11:59

It seems to me that you have always had help when your husband has went away due to work & you are at home with your child, but this time your having to fly solo & you’re not sure on what to do, this is where mobile phones & the internet come in really handy as help is only a call or click away, but you shouldn’t stop your husband from going on the stag do he is the one working & helping raise his child he deserves a break with the lads to keep his mind clear it’s good to go & have a blow out, when he comes back why don’t you, your mum, sister or good friend go for a spa treat,get refreshed & leave the baby with your husband this will keep the marriage happy & the two of you sane

LocalHobo · 31/10/2023 12:11

I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy.

Let's try and make our offspring resilient. What kind of future parent are we raising?
I salute those parents managing alone with DC, careers and homes to run.

kitsuneghost · 31/10/2023 12:30

Book the puppy into kennels
That is one less thing on your plate

pennsylvaniasixfivethousand · 31/10/2023 12:39

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2023 07:09

This. God forbid anything happen to him, I guess op would just die or something without anyone to help her.

Show quote history

😮Why are people on MN so mean?!

ScartlettSole · 31/10/2023 12:43

WalkingRunning · 29/10/2023 06:59

Also when you have kids I think it's perfectly acceptable to use annual leave to help each other out when these events come up because you have no other childcare. I'm sure something will come along for you and you'll need him to take leave, and he should and you should go enjoy yourself too! The years will be long if you both miss out on everything so you aren't with the child solo for a bit

Exactly! Everyone complaining shes using her annual leave... Thats what its for surely?!? Shes taking leave and spending quality time with her child.
If this was reversed and someone on maternity leave complained the dad wouldn't use annual leave to give them time away, they guy would be called allsorts! No one would be saying "well you arrange childcare" 🙄

A 4 day stag has probably been arranged for a while, its not been sprung the week before!

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 12:48

“I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days.”

@Biancagreenly

This sounds so over the top OP

For example why do you need an “activity plan”

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 12:49

@ScartlettSole but she is not getting a choice when she can use her annual leave, she is having to cover times when DH is away for work and now she is having to use it for covering a stag do.

Cappuccino17 · 31/10/2023 12:54

I've been in a similar boat to you, you rely on him for certain things and that's why it makes you nervous but trust me you'll be fine once he's gone.

Some tips to help:

  1. Get some new toys for baby to keep him/her busy and excited to see something new.
  2. Get new books to keep baby entertained and to bond with baby the touch and feel books or open the flap ones are great for babies.
  3. Take baby in pram for walks, pack some healthy snacks incase baby whines and just ring a friend or family member on your handsfree so you can chat in peace.
  4. Messy play for baby.
  5. Prep your meals before he leaves so you know exactly what you and baby are eating so you're not stressing last minute. Or Get urself your favourite takeout ( i do, he's enjoying himself why can't i)?
  6. Put your feet up when baby naps and relax watch t.v. etc.
  7. Make sure all your laundry etc is done house is clean before he leaves. Get him to watch your baby and that way you'll be free to do more and take care and bond with your baby when he's gone!

I would let him go, he could resent you if you don't! The reason isn't valid enough to make him cancel a full trip.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/10/2023 12:55

@Biancagreenly - I hope you are still reading this. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have a wobble about coping on your own - and I am sure you are not the only person who has felt this way in a similar situation.

I do think you can cope with this, and as a previous poster said, it will be good for you to realise you are strong enough to manage.

I also think that there would be nothing wrong with looking for some shortcuts that would make life easier while your dh is away. You could cook some extra portions of meals and freeze them for a quick meal (which would mean less washing up too), or get something easy to cook. You might also find it useful to get someone to come and walk the dog for you - there is a site called Borrow my Doggy, where you could find someone local.

I used to - and still do - dread dh going away - when the dses were smaller, it was just hard work, and not having any back up made it harder, and unfortunately although they are all grown up now, I have long covid and weight related mobility problems and can't do much around the house, so when dh is away, I do struggle - but I have found the things I can do to make my life easier - and there is nothing wrong with that.

Autumnleaves89 · 31/10/2023 13:01

MandyFriend · 31/10/2023 08:30

I'd let him go on his stag do, but only on the understanding that when he gets back, you'll be going on a four-day spa break to recover!

Honestly, I couldn’t handle this level of pathetic tit-for-tat in a relationship.
Of course it should be reciprocal and give and take but “well YOURE not going unless I can go STRAIGHT TO A SPA when you’re home!!” For gods sake.

Highlighta · 31/10/2023 13:02

Whether you do actually skim read the replies or not OP, you started the thread and asked the question. You asked what other people would do. And if you were being unreasonable. Other people have responded to you, and now because you don't like the majority of the replies (maybe there is a reason why most of the replies are similar), you have become all aggressive in your last post.

Many people answering are from a different generation to you. I think that is quite obvious. Then, it was a case of just having to get on with your lot, and making the most of it.

Try not to take the replies so negatively. Many posters (including myself) have suggested that you could really make these 4 days so very pleasant.

How often do you have bonding one on one time with your ds?

How often do you get to do exactly as you please and he be the only focus you have for four whole days without a grandparent intervening, like when dh works away?
Just use the time to enjoy your 11 month old. He won't be 11 months old ever again. You don't need to put him into daycare for this if he is not used to that environment.
Try to look at it positively, rather than just what seems is just negative thinking.

And, I am afraid to say this, but as you are only one year in, do not let it come too much of a shock to you if you use up ALL of your annual leave at times for reasons other than off on a nice holiday. Unfortunately parenting throws us some curveballs that we didn't plan for, so we need to adapt for when things do happen.

You will be fine, and I really do hope you make the most of the time.