To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

They look like normal manners to me, and I'm so not Downton Abbey stock!

I must admit I've been out with people who've just left their knife and fork spread eagle on the plate at the end of a meal and it has made me think less of them! It's so untidy and means the waiter has to gather them on collection.

4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to

No, you weren't brought up with this rule. Nobody old enough to have grandchildren could have been.

This is just normal everyday table manners in my eyes. YANBU.

I think that must be a learned objection and not a natural reaction, though. How do you react when people eat sandwiches if they can't eat buttered bread rolls in front of you?

Am I supposed to cut or tear up a ham roll, a cheese baguette, a tuna wrap instead of eating them by biting into them. A scone? A jam croissant? A sausage roll?

Or should I not eat them at table?

They seem normal table manners to me!

Really?

My parents were very strict and these are the rules I grew up with, I remember my friend’s family all stopping eating to watch me eat peas off the back of a fork when I was a teenager 🤣

I had no idea you were meant to put food on the back of your fork? Sounds ridiculous. I just use it like a spoon, or for stabbing things, never been told any different.

The other things, I do agree except for the soup and I don't mind about elbows as long as it's just at home and not a formal "going out" meal.

A big glass possibly, judging by some of your posts on this thread.

These are just manners.

Some of it is utter rubbish. Balancing food on the back of a fork is nothing to do with manners, it's ridiculous!

I’ve been rumbled.

Manners exist to make the fact that we all have to live close together in a civilised society bearable. I can understand 1-8, but have never felt offended or disgusted by the sight of someone eating a bread roll. Where did this ridiculous rule come from?

YANBU! Seems table manners are a thing of the past. Sad times!

Hahaha same. I’ll be cutting and buttering and biting into every roll I ever encounter now just to give the Mumsnettiquette brigade the vapours

Why is it better manners to rip up bread with your fingers and smear butter onto tiny pieces than to put a buttered slice into your mouth?

The op has described an archaic stultified set of habits,that are etiquette to exclude and maintain class and social division
Manners are inclusive, etiquette is exclusive.
The description is of Grimly clinging to and replicating mother said mother did habits isn’t good manners,it’s joyless

I should have mentioned why I brought this up. Some one up thread mentioned one of her dc had problems holding cutlery, he has other issues and she feels judged when she takes her child to eat out because of this and I remembered how helpful the special cutlery helped my GS.

1 through 5 were normal for me growing up. We didn’t have serving dishes, my mum always dished up in the kitchen, but I still agree 6 is sensible for communal eating. Thanking the cook is polite, but probably more formal than a normal family meal (I’m thinking I’d do it if I ate at someone’s house, I don’t expect it from dc as a daily occurrence). Elbows on the table was a thing in my mum’s childhood (born 50’s) she thought it was nonsense so I (born 80’s) wasn’t raised with it. Back of the fork is weird, and I only learned of a ‘proper’ way to hold cutlery when I started reading mumsnet. Weirdly, I was taught as a child that tearing up your bread was the wrong thing, so no idea on that one 🤷‍♀️
I can’t imagine expecting the full list from my dc and don’t know anyone who does.

I was brought up with exactly the same rules, OP, plus DC always asked permission to leave the table. Apart from asking permission and keeping elbows off the table, I still keep all those rules. Doesn’t bother me if others don’t, though. As long as they don’t eat with mouth open!

I think writing them out like that makes them sounds snobby and OTT but they are 100% standard British table manners.
I think the only one I don’t worry about is elbows on the table.

Just wanted to check-in & let some of you know I licked my knife during dinner tonight & I'm absolutely fine. I didn't want anyone to miss their daily dose of superiority complex so I'm giving this one out for free.

Normal, they’re what I was raised with, and raise mine with. But I’m not too fussed when it comes to other people observing them. No judgement, I just slowly (very privately) die inside.

Interesting to see how many people say these are all standard - 5, 9, and 10 are definitely cultural rather than universal, and I wouldn’t be too sure about the elbows, either.

Although i was brought up with these I think some are a bit ott. I ear my food when its served - i do ask if anyone minds but i would not let let my food go cold to be polite.
The use of cutlery as you describe - yes if in a posh restaurant but does it really matter elsewhere?
I think the rest are just basic manners