To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

The finger on top of the knife bit is a step too far

I think the majority of these are reasonable.

I really wouldn't be concerned about the direction in which someone spooned soup though.

5 8 9 and 10 seem OTT and ridiculous to me. But all the rest yes, basic manners.

YANBU - these things are polite and avoid people being blocked in conversation by those leaning over the table, or interrupted whilst someone answers a phone or ignored whilst someone gazes at their phone or food flying around due to incorrect cutlery usage. They stop elbow jolting, food spillage, unpleasant scraping or clinking noises and so on. For almost all of them, there is a good reason and some of them, there was and it no longer applies (and I am far less bothered about those, for example, which hand you hold your knife and fork in. As long as you're using them correctly, and not HKLP for example, I do not give a shit if you put knife and fork in the 'wrong' hand - we're not usually sitting so close together that it matters!)

The one I struggle with is not using the fork as a shovel for things like peas, because the fuckers will not stay on the back of my bastarding fork and I would prefer not to mash them on there.

It's pretty much what I was taught, and what I have taught DS. We are relaxed at home, but in a restaurant or someone's house or if we have guests then these would be fairly normal, apart from the spoon use.

I use a fork and spoon usually for Chinese or Indian meals, or any other rice based dish. Can't handle rice politely with a knife and fork.

All basic stuff really and I broadly agree with all points op. I don’t lose sleep and certainly don’t mention it if others don’t do these things but I do notice - but it’s all a bit of a first world issue.

I was also raised like that op.
Not many people I know these days were though, DH definitely wasn’t, and I’m afraid our ASD DC doesn’t follow many of the rules, despite my best efforts. These days I have relaxed a little, but then I don’t eat out away from home much.

These are basic. I don’t understand how you think you were raised strict on the basis of this list?!

YANBU and I find it really off putting when others don't use these basics. I'm not saying I judge them as a person, as I know not everyone was taught these things, but I do notice and find it unattractive/ off putting.

Some I agree with others I don't understand and have never heard of before.

Why do you have to put your fork and knife on the plate?

With regards to who eats first we have our own customs. Obviously white people eat together whereas we eat differently. But I've been at parties where you have to wait for everyone to be served. But it's a white person thing.

YANBU.

All pretty normal manners.

The snobbery is in judging others. Do what you like.
I pretty much do the same as on your list - except I "shovel" as we do here in Canada. The only thing that makes me raise my eyebrows is when I see adults stab their food with a fist-like grip with knife upright and I wonder, Who taught you that? 😂

Why is it silly to expect people to keep their mouths closed & not talk when eating? I don’t want some clap trapping person spitting food all over me. It’s basic manners.

All the others are too & I’m with you op.

They are all pretty basic, however I don't mind elbows on the table at all. I like people to look relaxed/informal and not like we are dining with Mrs Bucket.

The one I struggle with is not being allowed to scoop with a fork? Surely the shape of it means that it is designed to be used to scoop food up?

I know them all, but don't necessarily do them all. It depends on context. Important business lunch, absolutely stick to them as much as possible. Lunch with my mates, nah. Dinner at home, absolutely not.

Agree OP and my parents never if ever got to 'eat out', yet they taught me these basics at home.

I tried to teach my own DC the same. Worked with DS, but DD, at the age of 36, still insists on holding her cutlery in the wrong hands. She is not left handed.

Tiny is an exaggeration but you should tear off a bite sized chunk, butter it and put the piece in your mouth. You shouldn't butter a larger piece of bread / roll and bite a piece off. That would be considered good table manners, fwiw.

I was taught most of these things, though I was taught that one spoons savory things from the near side of the bowl and sweet things from the far side. Also to never put the whole spoon into your mouth but to drink from it like a tiny teacup, and never let an item of cutlery chink against your teeth.

I haven't passed many of these teachings on. We are working on "don't chew so loudly that it makes fellow diners wince, and keep your mouth shut while chewing". We try to enforce not-eating-until when with grandparents. But my DC has ASD and severe food-related anxiety such that any food being eaten at all is sometimes all we can hope for and I am not going to jinx it by making the dining room into a stressful battleground to enforce rules.

I was brought up by these rules too and think some are ridiculous, why elbows off the table? I'm comfortable leaning on the table so what's the problem?
Knife and food together at the end, why? For me it's more important to take your own plate to the kitchen, surely that's more polite?
Waiting for the chef? Well I'm usually cooking and would prefer everyone to eat hot food so I think it's a silly rule.

My in-laws are like this. They also treat waiting staff like absolute shit.

As someone who was a waitress for many many years I can say that the two things do go hand in hand more often than not.

Exactly! 💡🇨🇦

Debretts disagree. They say 6.30 (in agreement with the OP).

https://debretts.com/the-golden-rules-of-dining/#:~:text=Indicate%20you%20have%20finished%20your,in%20the%20six%2Dthirty%20position.

I once found it very amusing watching my prissy fil trying to squash and balance his peas on the back of a fork. What a silly sausage.

All apart from 9 and 10 were normal when I was growing up and asking to get down from the table when we were young.
I think my DC have pretty similar table manners to me but it has been a bit of a battle with them asking to get down as DH just wanders off when he's finished eating.
Luckily not such an issue now as they stay at the table because they are 17 and 15 (DS, 3, does get away with not asking as he's non verbal).