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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad none of my friends offered to help me move?

133 replies

tvenclines · 28/10/2023 14:31

Pretty much that
I live alone and the only family I have is my dad but he is late 80s.
I've had 4 days to pack up my 2 bed house and move.
Not one of my friends has offered to move
Or even ask how I'm getting on with the packing.

Both of my good friends I've helped before
One of them I spent two days when she moved scraping woodchip off her walls
The other I helped her pack up to move

I've just been left
I'm feeling overwhelmed
I really could of done with some help
I don't want to ask for it-they know I need it
They know my circumstances
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 28/10/2023 14:33

YABU because it comes across a bit martyrish to not ask for help when you need it. However I do understand that you don't want to ask for help and it would be nice if it were offered.

I would've asked for help and if it wasn't forthcoming I'd be dialling back my support of them in future.

IncompleteSenten · 28/10/2023 14:34

Gentle yabu from me.
People should ask for help when they would like it.

imaginationhasfailedme · 28/10/2023 14:36

I think this comes down to your level of expectation. Did you offer to help them when they moved just because that's the sort of person you are (i.e. helpful)? Or did they ask? And did you (because you're a helpful person) just kind of assume that they would offer to help?
How about asking them to give you a hand unpacking and see what the response is? They might assume you had it all figured out and removal people booked. But also, some people need to be asked outright! I helped a friend move to her place round the corner. I wouldn't have offered but she asked, so we all mucked in for the weekend, no bother.

HappiDaze · 28/10/2023 14:37

Just ask

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 28/10/2023 14:38

It wouldn't occur to me to offer another adult help packing and moving. I did it on my own plenty of times in my 20s.

If you need help, you need to ask.

margotrose · 28/10/2023 14:40

It would never occur to me to offer.

If you need help, ask.

JellyKoala · 28/10/2023 14:42

You ask for help if you need it. This is one of those things when you're expecting other people to read your mind and meet your expectations then getting upset that they didn't.

SnobblyBobbly · 28/10/2023 14:44

YANBU to be upset, if you're someone who naturally offers to help others it's kind of natural to think it might be reciprocated. I think we also like to think our friends can 'read' us as they know us so well, and it's a disappointment when they don't.

If you are seen as someone who's generally quite organised and capable, I think people can automatically assume that you don't need any help.

So I don't think your friends are necessarily in the wrong, but neither are you. Perhaps start asking for bits of help to show that you could do with a hand from time to time x

Tandora · 28/10/2023 14:45

Hmmm tricky one as if you helped them then I think they ought to have offered to reciprocate. On the other hand I would never expect a friend to help me move. Lovely if they offer, but I would never expect it. They have enough going on in their own lives!

Want2beme · 28/10/2023 14:47

Yeah, I get it. It would have been good if they'd offered, considering how you've helped them.

How are you getting on?

TeaKitten · 28/10/2023 14:48

YABU, you won’t be the only person with a busy life. I wouldn’t necessarily offer to help a friend move because I’m busy enough as it is but if they said they needed help and I could manage it then of course I would. You are an adult, you need to use your words. Hopefully you will and youl get the help you need. I hope it goes smoothly for you OP.

LividTwunt · 28/10/2023 14:49

I just got divorced and downsized massively. I have a toddler.

The move was, for many unexpected reasons, traumatic (in the genuine sense of the word).

I am an adult and capable of arranging people to do what I can’t do myself. Thus I paid for packers and movers, even though I’m hardly floating in cash.

The person who I bought off did NOT do this and had a breakdown (again, in genuine sense of the word) on moving day. The knock on effects on a number of people are devastating.

People need to own their shit. If you need help, you pay for it or ask for it.

Caffeinequeen91 · 28/10/2023 14:53

YABU. I used a removals company to pack and move me rather than silently hoping friends would volunteer. Is that even a thing?

kweeble · 28/10/2023 14:55

You should have asked - that’s a mammoth task to do alone.

RocketIceLollie · 28/10/2023 14:57

Everyone has their own busy lives to live, especially at weekends. Maybe if you actually contacted them and asked for help in advance they could have planned their weekends accordingly to help out. They are not mind readers.

saraclara · 28/10/2023 14:57

It wouldn't occur to me to offer, but I'd happily help if asked.

Were you packing on weekdays?

pinkdelight · 28/10/2023 14:58

Another one saying yabu to not ask. As you've helped them, they'd be more obligated to help you but you have to ask, and ideally plan it in advance. Be practical and less emotional about it. You're moving, you'd like help, ask for it. To use it as some friendship test and feel sad is futile and a bit martyrish.

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/10/2023 15:30

Those saying "Just ask". My partner and I had a house move - from a 2 storey duplex apartment (we lived abroad) to a large house and a few weeks before the move Date, she broke her leg so badly that she had surgery on it and spent several days in hospital. She was on a zimmer for weeks.

I was left to do everything. Ostensibly good friends said we should let them know what they could do, so I asked if they could get some boxes for us. The reply: just go to the supermarkets and ask them".

Actual offers and practical help came from people we really didn't know that well, including a German couple who lived nearby. They did all kinds of things to help, including making us meals!

pinkdelight · 28/10/2023 15:33

I'm not sure that's proof people shouldn't ask for help. It just shows some people will help and others won't. You still need to ask rather than stew on people not offering like the OP is doing.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2023 15:36

I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to help you move house. They might easily get a back injury. But if you've helped them to move it's a different story. Then ask for help.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 28/10/2023 15:41

I'd be happy to help a friend move... If they asked. If they didn't, I'd assume they had full on removers planned.

It's hard when you're a practical, helpful person as you assume others think the same as you do. I had to stop offering for a lot of things as it was frustrating me when I didn't get offers or assistance in return. Even saft examples, I always used to let people know if there were significant delays if I knew they were going a certain way, no one ever did it for me so I stopped.

pickledandpuzzled · 28/10/2023 15:42

YABU because it’s actually a pretty personal process best done over a sustained time- you need to sort and organise as you go. It’s not something other people can do for you, unless it’s professional service who work at speed throwing things in boxes with no thought.

having moved DM, it’s soul destroying tediously packing while someone second guesses every item and you have to keep checking with them what to do.

It’s a much more efficient use of a friend to get their help cleaning when you move in or out, or decorating. Something that you can get your teeth into and make a difference.

otherwise you just take twice as long to do the job.

UsingChangeofName · 28/10/2023 15:46

YABU or not asking.

People aren't mind readers. If you want some help with something, then ask for it.

BungleandGeorge · 28/10/2023 15:53

Have you only had 4 days because you’ve had to move very last minute? In which case they may well have other commitments? I think it’s probably best to ask for help if needed, that’s not unreasonable to ask the people who accepted your help previously. I wouldn’t presume you needed help as most people get to pack over an extended period and as a single person I’d expect you to have time and be able to be very organised about the few objects needed to leave til the last minute. I may of course be wrong but that would be my assumption

EmmaEmerald · 28/10/2023 15:55

Yanbu
i tried asking and got one person with very bad grace who clearly felt pushed

i will be thinking very carefully before offering help to anyone again