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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad none of my friends offered to help me move?

133 replies

tvenclines · 28/10/2023 14:31

Pretty much that
I live alone and the only family I have is my dad but he is late 80s.
I've had 4 days to pack up my 2 bed house and move.
Not one of my friends has offered to move
Or even ask how I'm getting on with the packing.

Both of my good friends I've helped before
One of them I spent two days when she moved scraping woodchip off her walls
The other I helped her pack up to move

I've just been left
I'm feeling overwhelmed
I really could of done with some help
I don't want to ask for it-they know I need it
They know my circumstances
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Chalkdowns · 28/10/2023 16:47

I wouldn’t expect help with packing and moving and I’m afraid I wouldn’t offer either.

Changingplace · 28/10/2023 16:49

Unless someone asked me to help move house I’d assume they’d booked removals/were fine.

How would they know you need help unless you ask? Moving is awful, but I wouldn’t assume anyone who was needed my help unless they asked me specifically.

ColleenDonaghy · 28/10/2023 16:50

Yes agree too big an ask at such short notice. Sorry OP. Hope you're hanging in there.

Fedupwitheveryone · 28/10/2023 16:51

Sorry OP, that sounds tough. Moving is an emotional thing to do alone. I did it and was grateful that one of my friends came over to help me unpack some boxes once the removals guys had gone - made me feel a bit less lonely.

NB - the friend who offered is single, so i think maybe she understood that side of things about needing help a bit more clearly than the married ones?

mangochops · 28/10/2023 16:51

I'd be happy to help a friend move... If they asked. If they didn't, I'd assume they had full on removers planned

Same, more than happy to help if asked but literally everyone I know hired movers because of the furniture being so heavy/unwieldy therefore I'd never assume they needed help unless they asked me.

YABU by not asking, expecting them to read your mind, then getting passively annoyed and resentful about it when they dont.

adriftinadenofvipers · 28/10/2023 16:54

I did offer to help a friend with packing when she moved house after her marriage split, but she said she could manage.

Gillypie23 · 28/10/2023 16:58

I get if you need help ask. If they're really good friends. They should offer. I'd always offer as would my friends. All of yoy saying ii wouldn't occur to offer. How incredibly selfish.

thecoat · 28/10/2023 16:59

It wouldn't occur to me to offer. I'd assume you had movers. Sorry.

Bellyblueboy · 28/10/2023 17:00

I had a similar situation. Helped friend pack, clean and transport things to her new home.

a year later when I sent a photo of my new empty house she replied ‘oh was that today’

the difference is I offered to help, she didn’t: and I didn’t ask. I hired a removal and cleaning company.

she is also a bit selfish and I was too generous and giving in friendships. Lesson learned.

Zebedee55 · 28/10/2023 17:00

Get a removal firm next time. Problem sorted.

Sallyh87 · 28/10/2023 17:01

I wouldn’t offer but I would if asked. I’ve moved many times in the last ten years and always packed myself and had movers.

If you need help just ask.

theduchessofspork · 28/10/2023 17:01

It wouldn’t occur to me, I’ve always done my own.

I wouldn’t mind being asked, although if you are well enough off I’d probably say get get a removal firm to help.

Ask.

ActDottie · 28/10/2023 17:02

Yabu

If you wanted them to help them ask.

Also I’m not convinced it’s even a thing to help people move house? I’ve never thought to help someone move? Or expected help when I’ve moved?

Dotcheck · 28/10/2023 17:03

Are you from this country, op?

I find in some countries, friends wouldn’t have to ask. In England it’s not that way. It’s a shame

theduchessofspork · 28/10/2023 17:03

Gillypie23 · 28/10/2023 16:58

I get if you need help ask. If they're really good friends. They should offer. I'd always offer as would my friends. All of yoy saying ii wouldn't occur to offer. How incredibly selfish.

It isn’t. I’ve never needed help from anyone to move, so I wouldn’t think of it. I wouldn’t mind being asked.

Lucyintheskywithlove · 28/10/2023 17:06

I think sadly you need to ask them.
We live in a world where we are all so caught up in our own lives/ problems that we don't always notice when others need help.

If I was your friend and I hadn't noticed/ thought that you might need help, and then realised after that you were struggling I would feel mortified and wish you had asked me.
I might also feel a tiny bit annoyed that you hadn't been more open about needing help, and then had a moan about it afterwards.

melj1213 · 28/10/2023 17:12

I've had 4 days to pack up my 2 bed house and move.

Why such a short timeline? Unless it's due to an emergency or traumatic incident then nobody has such short notice that they're moving - even if you're evicted you get more than 4 days notice - so that would influence my decision. And if it is an emergency/trauma then your friends are probably waiting for cues from you as to what help you need/want.

If it was a last minute situation then I would expect my friend to either have paid professional movers to ensure everything is sorted/packed within the tight timeframe or for them to explicitly say "This is an emergency situation, I need all the help I can get to be packed before Tuesday. I know it's short notice but is there any chance you can help in any way in the next few days?"

I have had friends who I will help move whenever they want, even at short notice, because they were grateful for the help, were organised and appreciated the help and I have friends who I will never help move again as they would claim they only had days to move which is why they had done zero packing on moving day and expected loads of friends to just turn up and get it all done in a day while they stood around "project managing" ... when they'd known they were moving for weeks but had been lazy and left it all to the last minute, expecting everyone else to do it for them and be happy about it.

Not one of my friends has offered to move

If one of my friends was moving on such a tight time frame I would assume they had paid for movers unless they said otherwise - especially at such late notice when I may have had plans and so I couldn't necessarily commit to helping ... Or would assume that if I couldn't come and help for a big chunk of time then it would be more effort coordinating the help than it was worth.

I have had a friend move on short notice as her relationship broke down and she sent out a message to the group chat asking for any help and people weren't making offers to help because they assumed she meant "I need people to come and spend 5-6 hrs packing my stuff" until she started breaking it down into what she actually needed eg "Anyone with a car able to take 4 boxes of broken stuff to the tip for me? It's all boxed up, just needs transporting"; "Anyone able to help move boxes between <Old house> and <New House> at some point today?"; "Anyone free for an hour to help me move the big bits furniture into the van so I can move them today?"

I'm feeling overwhelmed
I really could of done with some help

Then put your big girl pants on and ask for it then!

I don't want to ask for it-they know I need it

If you don't want to ask for help then you won't get it. Your friends are not obliged to offer to help someone who won't help themselves.

FarEast · 28/10/2023 17:15

Did you ask?

I've moved continents on my own. I buy in help. Stop being a martyr.

JellyKoala · 28/10/2023 17:19

Gillypie23 · 28/10/2023 16:58

I get if you need help ask. If they're really good friends. They should offer. I'd always offer as would my friends. All of yoy saying ii wouldn't occur to offer. How incredibly selfish.

Why?

I would never expect any of my friends to help me move and if I was really stuck, I'd ask for help. Not seethe or be upset that they hadn't offered when they didn't know I was expecting them to.

People have different ideas of friendship, that doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong, just that different people have different ideas and expectations. But that doesn't mean everyone else feels the same or even knows that the other person has different expectations.

Going by MN threads, some people think you're only a good friend if you'll offer to help someone move, or answer distressed calls in the early hours, or drive hours to pick up a friend from the airport, or take their DC to school every day if the parents are working, or loan significant amounts of money, answer texts within a few hours etc. But many people would draw the line at some or all of those things.

And some people think friendships are transactional and the other person should do what they do and expect reciprocation. And I think that's a wrong way to go about things, if I was ill and a friend dropped a cake round, that I didn't ask for, it would be a nice thing to do but unwanted and unneeded.

So I then shouldn't have to think I should do the same if they get ill and if they were quietly seething or upset that I didn't, that's them being selfish to my mind. Expecting something from me and judging me because they did something for me that I didn't ask for, want or need.

Happens all the time on MN that people do things they want to do, and often enjoy , doing then get upset that it wasn’t reciprocated in kind when the other person has no idea that was expected of them.

Ktime · 28/10/2023 17:30

Don’t let them off the hook.

Ask them for help.

If they prevaricate or do it begrudgingly then you know they weren’t good friends anyway.

19lottie82 · 28/10/2023 17:31

Ginmonkeyagain · 28/10/2023 16:01

When I and my friends moved a lot in our twenties and didn't have a load of stuff, it was common to ask friends to help you move in return for some beer and a takeaway.

Now we are all grown adults with a lot of stuff it is generally expected that people hire professional movers.

This ^^

2jacqi · 28/10/2023 17:33

why have you only got 4 days to pack up and move????? no reason not to have started packing up before the 4 day mark!

MargaretThursday · 28/10/2023 17:36

I'm sure I read a thread this morning who was complaining that too many people were offering to help and she wanted to do it herself.
No wonder no one knows whether to offer or not.

SM4713 · 28/10/2023 17:36

Why only 4 days to pack?

SheWentWest · 28/10/2023 17:37

My friend was a bit arsey with me that I didn’t offer her help to move. The fact is I’ve got a bad back and I pay for help for myself when I move. Is it really fair to expect your mates to slog their guts out for the weekend to move you