Page 4 | To be sad none of my friends offered to help me move?

tvenclines · 2023-10-28T13:31:01+00:00

Pretty much that I live alone and the only family I have is my dad but he is late 80s. I've had 4 days to pack up my 2 bed house and move. Not one of my friends has offered to move Or even ask how I'm getting on with the packing. Both of my good friends I've helped before One of them I spent two days when she moved scraping woodchip off her walls The other I helped her pack up to move I've just been left I'm feeling overwhelmed I really could of done with some help I don't want to ask for it-they know I need it They know my circumstances Aibu ?

CryptidChangeling · 28/10/2023 17:39

If your friends aren't the type to offer you really need to ask. It's a bit shit they aren't checking up on you, but I'm guessing this is a common pattern with your friends?

But to be honest, I stopped helping people move in my 20s. It's a crap job and I'd rather throw money at it at this point of my life. (I do understand not everyone can, but maybe your friends just expected you to get a removal company in?)

AbbeyGailsParty · 28/10/2023 17:40

YANBU a real friend would have offered to help you pack, helped with cleaning and brought you some lunch/tea to have while packing.

AnonyLonnymouse · 28/10/2023 17:40

To be honest, I realise that you are feeling upset but I wouldn’t really expect to help a fully-grown adult to move house, decorate or do any big task unless there were significant extenuating circumstances such as limited ability to do it themselves, unexpected illness, death or an emergency. In those circumstances I would absolutely help

But as seen on a couple of posts on this thread, one person’s idea of ‘everyone lending a hand’ rapidly becomes a cheeky waste of someone else’s free time. I have often raised my eyebrows on Grand Designs when the couple have ‘friends’ helping them finish off their expensive building project - who exactly is benefiting from all that free labour?

Also mentioned on this thread - the idea of getting someone else to clean your house as you move out - that really is dirty work, in both senses of the phrase.

But, perhaps you did need to spell out that you are single and you don’t have a helpful family member for these occasions - that might have prompted some support?

Cornishclio · 28/10/2023 17:41

I would have offered if you were a good friend of mine. My husband is actually helping his friend move next week. I do not get why people don't offer if they know someone who does not have close family to help them on a traumatic event like moving house. I get why people are busy but surely a day or two or even a few hours in the evening would help with packing boxes. Did you not use removers? If it was heavy furniture though and taking it up and down stairs I would expect you to pay for removers.

MrsMorseEndeavour · 28/10/2023 17:42

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 28/10/2023 14:38

It wouldn't occur to me to offer another adult help packing and moving. I did it on my own plenty of times in my 20s.

If you need help, you need to ask.

I missed the bit where OP said they're in their 20s and perfectly capable...

PinkLemons99 · 28/10/2023 17:45

YAB incredibly U.

Why do you think good friends should spend their time trying to second guess your needs?

If you want their help, the least you can do is to ask them nicely. Sulking and playing the martyr does not make you a good friend.

Is there a particular reason you think your friends owe you this massive favour rather than you booking a professional removal company? Even if you’re skint, it’s not really your friends’ responsibility to fix this.

Harrysmummy246 · 28/10/2023 17:59

YABU as you didn't ask. Sorry, people don't just 'know'

1990thatsme · 28/10/2023 18:00

Ginmonkeyagain · 28/10/2023 16:01

When I and my friends moved a lot in our twenties and didn't have a load of stuff, it was common to ask friends to help you move in return for some beer and a takeaway.

Now we are all grown adults with a lot of stuff it is generally expected that people hire professional movers.

I agree with this. Do you mean you wanted people to help you pack your boxes? I think most people would find that rather intrusive and wouldn’t offer.

Or do you mean you didn’t want to pay removal fees?

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/10/2023 18:04

I'd never offer to help someone move, I'd just assume they'd packed up themselves and we're getting movers in on the day.

If they asked for help, I'd be there though, I quite enjoy it!

Pottedpalm · 28/10/2023 18:06

I volunteered DH and self to help a friend, her DH and two teenage DC to move house. She asked if we would go to the tip with a load of stuff from the shed. There were half used tins of paint, old rusty tools, broken garden furniture etc. Everything was wet and muddy as ot had been in the back yard for a couple of weeks.
when we returned from that trip they had found four televisions/monitors also destined for the tip.
we got no thanks for helping, she just commented that her DH didn’t want all that ‘dirty crap’ in his car…😏

Twentypastfour · 28/10/2023 18:08

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 28/10/2023 14:38

It wouldn't occur to me to offer another adult help packing and moving. I did it on my own plenty of times in my 20s.

If you need help, you need to ask.

Yes this. I’ve moved enough times and it’s never fun, but it is something most adults go through multiple times.
I’ve never helped any friends move (though they all have, many times) and no one has ever helped or offered to help me move. If a friend needed help I would do it absolutely, provided I could find the time, but my first assumption would be that they were doing themselves / with professional movers.

Ask.

PickledPurplePickle · 28/10/2023 18:14

Have you actually asked anyone directly for help? They are not mind readers

TeaGinandFags · 28/10/2023 18:16

Dacadactyl · 28/10/2023 14:33

YABU because it comes across a bit martyrish to not ask for help when you need it. However I do understand that you don't want to ask for help and it would be nice if it were offered.

I would've asked for help and if it wasn't forthcoming I'd be dialling back my support of them in future.

This.

Ask and ye shall receive

Antst · 28/10/2023 18:19

Some of these responses! If you've helped them move, then of course they should have offered to help you. Or explained why it would be impossible.

Reading the comments is yet another reminder of why depression rates are so high in the UK. Anyone who is a friend and not merely an acquaintance shouldn't only be taking!

dudsville · 28/10/2023 18:21

I think this needs more context. In my early 20s getting together with wine and pizza and helping one another pack or paint was fun. In proper adulthood however no one i know would offer, but if a friend asked me for help i would certainly consider what i could do to help. I have now of a sense of obligation for family. If mum said she was moving I'd presume my help was assumed and I'd be there with bells on before she even asked.

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/10/2023 18:23

Sorry OP but I do think YABU to have made it into a personal slight or a reflection of your value.

I do think most people would assume that any adult of sound mind and body moving house will likely have just arranged a removals company, particularly if they live alone and haven't got a household of helpers.

If we want help from other people with a specific thing then we should just ask for it, well in advance, but accept that they may not be free or may not want to and that doesn't mean anything much more than that.

NotToYou · 28/10/2023 18:26

It wouldn't occur to me to offer to help someone move. I would assume that anyone past their early 20s would pay for a removals company anyway.

saythatagaintome · 28/10/2023 18:28

It’a a bit dated to expect others to help you move.

1, not everyone wants to spend their weekend off doing manual labor like this, when you could easily hire a moving company.

2 most adults just move themselves?

I used to help friends move and they honestly took the piss. As in, wouldn’t even offer a glass of cold water or a heartfelt thank you. It always always came off as entitled.

SharonEllis · 28/10/2023 18:29

YaNBU. Its hard to ask for help as you don't want to put people in a difficult position. I'm a bit shocked that people would think its normal NOT to offer. However, you just have to crack on & be a bit careful about keeping your distance from the takers. I have a so-called friend who just takes takes takes. I'm a bit less generous than I used to be.

Antst · 28/10/2023 18:29

dudsville · 28/10/2023 18:21

I think this needs more context. In my early 20s getting together with wine and pizza and helping one another pack or paint was fun. In proper adulthood however no one i know would offer, but if a friend asked me for help i would certainly consider what i could do to help. I have now of a sense of obligation for family. If mum said she was moving I'd presume my help was assumed and I'd be there with bells on before she even asked.

I agree with everything you've said, but will add that if someone has helped a friend or family member in the past, then the person who benefitted should offer to help the helper. Especially if the helper lives alone and isn't getting any other assistance.

Riola · 28/10/2023 18:30

I’ll go against the grain here and say generally it would BU but YANBU to expect the two friends you helped move, to offer to help you to move.

I can’t imagine not offering someone help moving, if they had just helped me move.

I’ve had a few single friends offer to help over the years and I’ve taken them to dinner to say thank you , but usually I just pack by myself nowadays as I know everyone has stuff going on and I can afford to pay a removal men.

I wouldn’t offer to help most friends either nowadays, unless maybe it was a single friend, that I knew couldn’t afford it.

JellyKoala · 28/10/2023 18:34

Antst · 28/10/2023 18:19

Some of these responses! If you've helped them move, then of course they should have offered to help you. Or explained why it would be impossible.

Reading the comments is yet another reminder of why depression rates are so high in the UK. Anyone who is a friend and not merely an acquaintance shouldn't only be taking!

But we don't know the context. Did OP help them move 10 years ago from a 1 bed flat when they were all in their 20s and didn't have DC or other responsibilities, didn't have money for movers and there was several weeks to plan?

Circumstances change. People change. And OP said they had 4 days to pack up a 2 bed flat. Most people even if in their 20s wouldn't necessarily be able to drop everything with that short notice. They might do if asked, but they haven't been! OPs only family being their Dad who is in his 80s suggests they are likely not in their 20s.

Depression rates aren't high because people aren't psychic and know their friends expect something of them that they haven't actually asked for help with.

Guesswho88 · 28/10/2023 18:34

I wouldn't expect anyone to help me move. Mind you I don't expect very much of people and I have relatively low self worth.

ZenNudist · 28/10/2023 18:37

I'm sorry but why would you expect people to help? People are busy. It's a massive favour to ask. Most people have their own crapthey haven't got time to sort out. Why would they come around a deal withyour chores? I get that you might have had the time and inclination to help a friend decorate. If you felt you were owed a favour you should have called said friend and asked. They could only say no. They might have helped a bit.

I don't think helping people move is a thing much past your 20s. Once you've got a house and "stuff" it's just a chore to box and pack up. Then hire a van and DIY or book a removal person / company. There are wo/man with van who do exactly this.

Antst · 28/10/2023 18:41

JellyKoala · 28/10/2023 18:34

But we don't know the context. Did OP help them move 10 years ago from a 1 bed flat when they were all in their 20s and didn't have DC or other responsibilities, didn't have money for movers and there was several weeks to plan?

Circumstances change. People change. And OP said they had 4 days to pack up a 2 bed flat. Most people even if in their 20s wouldn't necessarily be able to drop everything with that short notice. They might do if asked, but they haven't been! OPs only family being their Dad who is in his 80s suggests they are likely not in their 20s.

Depression rates aren't high because people aren't psychic and know their friends expect something of them that they haven't actually asked for help with.

Edited

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There isn't a context. Thank you for demonstrating my point. The excuses!

I wouldn't expect friends to help because I'm able to manage everything myself, but having helped all of them, I'd certain notice if they didn't offer it and doubt our relationship would be quite the same. So interesting that people elsewhere behave so differently.