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Original poster

£80 in Card for Friend's Wedding?

161 replies

QS90 · 27/10/2023 18:50

What do you think is the correct amount of cash to put in card for a friend's wedding (they have been living together a while so asked got money rather than gifts)? I think close to £80, but my partner thinks £40 is more appropriate.

For context, this is an old uni friend. We have been friends a while, but are not absolute besties or anything. We are not in the wedding party or bridesmaids or groomsmen or anything. The do seems quite upmarket, in a nice venue and we are having a sit down dinner.

We are low on money atm as DP in and out of work, and I'm just finishing my 2nd lot of maternity leave in two years. However, it's not like we can't afford petrol or groceries or anything. Have spent money on a new dress, bag and shoes (sadly none of my pre-baby clothes are anywhere near fitting me anymore). Venue isn't on doorstep, so there's petrol we've spent and also a room to stay in.

This all sounds very miserly and penny pinching, but it's more that I don't want to get it "wrong" either way. It would also be embarrassing to give too much, and have it seem weird iyswim?

OP posts:
sollenwir · 27/10/2023 21:37

Hadjab · 27/10/2023 19:17

I have a weird thing about numbers, so for me 80 just feels wrong. I'd either take it up to 100 or take it down to 50.

Me too! If I gave 80 I'd be wondering if they thought I'd miscounted or 20 had somehow fallen out.

100 if you can afford it, 50 if not.

LeggyLinda · 27/10/2023 21:38

I’ve always worked on the basis of giving the same amount I / we would’ve spent on a comparative day/night out. Then add a bit if we like the couple or are close.
I think that is reasonable.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/10/2023 21:38

The amount that you spend on attending surely has an effect on what you can afford as a gift.

We are attending a close (on paper, not in real life) family member’s wedding next month. Our dc are older teens now. It is 5 hours away from where we live and we need to be there by 11am on the Saturday. We will travel over half way on Friday night after work and school, it should be 3 1/2 hours on a good run but I expect it to take at least an hour more than that due to Friday night traffic on notoriously busy roads. We’ll stop somewhere en-route for something to eat (££) and then stay one night on the way up (approx £120 including breakfast). We’ll need to pay for the Saturday night’s accommodation at the posh hotel in the middle of nowhere where the wedding is being held or pay more for taxis to somewhere cheaper but we have been told that we should join the rest of the family for breakfast the next day so it will be more straightforward to stay there. Both dc need new outfits as we rarely go to posh events like this and neither have anything remotely suitable at fits. I’m hoping to find something on Vinted (must get on with this!). DH and I will make do with squeezing into something that’s already in our wardrobe!

Add a tank of fuel (may be more than one) and it’s already a very expensive weekend. I’m sure the happy couple will be expecting a very generous gift but tbh we’ll have spent over £600 just by attending which is a huge amount of our monthly budget at a time of year that’s already quite expensive. If we give less than they are expecting I know that the rest of the family will be informed.

Fwiw, we are attending to keep the peace and then keeping contact to a very bare minimum.

op. Give what you are comfortable with and not a penny more xx

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 27/10/2023 21:55

100

Differentstarts · 27/10/2023 22:01

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 20:58

2 guests are attending. You think £50 between them is generous? What would your mean be?

Show quote history

Me and my partner share money so I wouldn't think of it as £25 each. Where gifting £50 as a couple. There isn't a mean amount to give, you give what you can afford. I'm not gonna not feed my kids for a week to compete with others the reality is the amount of wedding gifts the newlyweds recieve they won't have a clue who give what.

peenaction · 27/10/2023 22:08

If you don't like someone enough to give what they've asked for, don't turn up to be fed by them

What a disgusting attitude.

Jk987 · 27/10/2023 22:44

I don't think that couples should ask for or expect cash or gifts for their wedding. It's outdated. The important thing is they celebrate with their loved ones.

Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 23:10

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/10/2023 21:38

The amount that you spend on attending surely has an effect on what you can afford as a gift.

We are attending a close (on paper, not in real life) family member’s wedding next month. Our dc are older teens now. It is 5 hours away from where we live and we need to be there by 11am on the Saturday. We will travel over half way on Friday night after work and school, it should be 3 1/2 hours on a good run but I expect it to take at least an hour more than that due to Friday night traffic on notoriously busy roads. We’ll stop somewhere en-route for something to eat (££) and then stay one night on the way up (approx £120 including breakfast). We’ll need to pay for the Saturday night’s accommodation at the posh hotel in the middle of nowhere where the wedding is being held or pay more for taxis to somewhere cheaper but we have been told that we should join the rest of the family for breakfast the next day so it will be more straightforward to stay there. Both dc need new outfits as we rarely go to posh events like this and neither have anything remotely suitable at fits. I’m hoping to find something on Vinted (must get on with this!). DH and I will make do with squeezing into something that’s already in our wardrobe!

Add a tank of fuel (may be more than one) and it’s already a very expensive weekend. I’m sure the happy couple will be expecting a very generous gift but tbh we’ll have spent over £600 just by attending which is a huge amount of our monthly budget at a time of year that’s already quite expensive. If we give less than they are expecting I know that the rest of the family will be informed.

Fwiw, we are attending to keep the peace and then keeping contact to a very bare minimum.

op. Give what you are comfortable with and not a penny more xx

Wow, that's exhausting to even contemplate! Hope it goes okay for you, and that your extended family appreciate the effort xx

OP posts:
Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 23:14

Goldfishonabike · 27/10/2023 20:55

Although, just to add to that, we and our wedding in another country so guest had paid a lot to travel there and for accommodation, many didn’t give us anything, not a penny, and some just a small amount like £25 or a cheapish gift like a household item. Tbh, I didn’t mind a lot, understood how much they’d paid to attend the wedding. We did give them a good time too though, a full days event and a day trip to the mountains the following Day (minibus and tourist guide paid by us, food on the way at own expense). I think the most important thing is giving just something, as long as you give them a lovely card and write a nice personal message, the amount is less important. It’s all about demonstrating your care for the friend. My precious comment was more based on a recent event where someone got very angry at me for not paying the bill for all the guests at a restaurant dinner for my birthday, the experience scarred me so much that since then I’m just giving everyone OTT gifts and rounds and paying for meals as I’m mortified to be thought of as stingy, I’m re not, it was just a cultural norm in the country where I am now that you have to pay for guests at a birthday dinner and obvs it’s isn’t in the UK. So, all that to say it’s v based on culture and class and there’s no exact answer. There are friends I stopped being friends with because they were expecting us to spend so much on each other and I just couldn’t afford it. Can you ask some other guests what they’re giving?

As in, they expected you to pay for the dinner for all your guests, for your own birthday, in the UK??

I only know one other couple going, I'm too embarrassed to ask, which is silly really but there you are!

OP posts:
Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 23:18

fluffypotatoes · 27/10/2023 20:56

I'd try and go to £60. £50 looks like you thought about it too hard. £60 looks like you just popped 3 £20s in a card.

I love this, I think it's what I'll do. Fake it 'til I make it, re being casual!

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 27/10/2023 23:31

I'd do £50 in this case. For close friends I'd give £100. For family members a lot more. Don't second guess yourself and don't overstretch yourself either. Hope you have a lovely time at the wedding.

Nevertouchakoala · 27/10/2023 23:54

I put in 200. But if you can’t afford that you can’t afford that. Just go with what you can afford friends won’t judge you.

VanityDiesHard · 28/10/2023 10:08

Ghastisflabbered · 27/10/2023 19:06

If you can afford it then £80 is more appropriate in my opinion.

I work on the basis with a cash gift that the bride and groom shouldn’t be out of pocket from inviting you so aim to cover the cost of the sit down meal at least - so if you put the £80 in then it’s £40 each from you and DH.

This is why I prefer gift lists as it easier to buy something cheaper and still know the couple want it and will enjoy it.

Sidenote: I know the bride and groom aren’t asking for money to cover the cost of inviting you as guests, it’s just internally how I work out what I feel is an appropriate cash gift.

I don't understand this 'cover your plate' mentality at all. A wedding is not a fundraiser. If the couple can't afford to host without putting themselves in hardship, then they shouldn't do so. It isn't on the guests to make sure that they aren't out of pocket. When I am invited to a dinner party, I bring wine (or flowers or chocolates) I buy whatever looks good, I don't calculate the amount I spend so that it tallies with what my hosts spent to feed me. OP, I think 50.00 is a nice round sum. Ignore people who say that 100.00 is 'standard'.

Alconleigh · 28/10/2023 10:17

I don't get the "cover your plate" idea either. Or rather, I suspect it comes form a place or time where people went to a local wedding for a few hours / half a day and then went home. That bears no relation to any wedding I have attended. Without fail, they have been miles away from where I live and have needed hundreds of pounds spending in travel and accommodation. If I've attended the hen do, we're easily over a grand. Even the poshest wedding dinners I've been fed ain't costing that.......

Same goes when people refer to guests turning up for the "free meal". That's about as far from free as it can be.

Youremylobster87 · 28/10/2023 10:21

I always go with 50 unless it's a very close friend or family, if moneys tight please don't worry about not giving more. Attending weddings costs a fortune, I don't see why people should be majorly out of pocket for someone else's big day.

Clarich007 · 28/10/2023 10:37

You learn something every day !! I've never heard of 'cover your plate'.
How silly is that ? You should not be paying to attend someone's wedding.
Strange idea.
I think £50 is a perfect amount to give.

KitsyWitsy · 28/10/2023 10:37

£100 for day guests. That's my standard

Clarich007 · 28/10/2023 10:40

That's ok if you can afford £100 !

Itsallsostressful · 28/10/2023 10:46

When I got married we didn't stipulate anything regarding cash or gifts or whatever. Wouldn't have cared if we received anything or not. Most people gave us cash (with maybe a wee minding like mugs !) and I honestly couldn't tell you how much individual people/couples gave us. The only thing I payed attention to was if it was a gift or money or voucher so I got the thank you card correct !!!

Oriunda · 28/10/2023 10:50

Won’t let me quote, but in response to personalised champagne idea: What a waste of £50. If you insist on getting champagne, get a decent bottle without the personalised bit. If the couple don’t drink champagne themselves, at least they can regift the bottle, or bring to a dinner party etc. I’m sure the couple would rather receive £50 in cash, though, if cash is what they’ve requested.

Don’t waste money on ´keepsake’ gifts.

avemariiiaa · 28/10/2023 10:53

What do all you people who can afford to fling £1-200 in a card and not give it a second thought think about people who genuinely cannot afford more than £10/20?

The value of £100 to you will be £10 to someone else.

Do you realise some people are living hand to mouth?
Can just about make their wage stretch from one end of the month to another?

It's great that you can afford that much, but would you honestly slag someone off and look at them as 'tight' if that is what they put in a card? Because if you would, you are a cunt.

Woahtherehoney · 28/10/2023 10:59

I’m getting married soon and i’d be absolutely gutted to think my guests had left themselves short just to put money in a card for me! I definitely don’t want people to put money in to cover their day guest fee - that’s just absurd!

OP you’ve said he’s not the grabby sort so put in whatever you can afford without over stretching yourself as I’m sure he’ll be so pleased with that and pleased that you are there.

randomusername2019 · 28/10/2023 13:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 28/10/2023 13:22

I've always based the amount on how much I would spend on a decent meal out for two. So if your budget allows £80 then this is absolutely fine. I think £40 sounds on the low side but if your funds are limited then don't spend more than you can afford.

SallyWD · 28/10/2023 13:29

The thing about giving £100 or more is that you've probably already spent hundreds getting to wedding, buying outfits for you and the kids, paying for accommodation etc. To pay £100 or £200 per person on top of that is just not affordable for many. Have people not noticed the cost of living these days?! People are struggling!
My friend got married on a Greek Island this summer. It was absolutely wonderful and I'm so pleased we went. However, with travel, accommodation, clothes etc it came to well over £1500 for our family. When I asked her what she'd like as a wedding present she said "Please don't get us anything. Everyone's spending a fortune to be with us and we have everything we need" and I could tell she meant it. We didn't give a gift.