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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£80 in Card for Friend's Wedding?

161 replies

QS90 · 27/10/2023 18:50

What do you think is the correct amount of cash to put in card for a friend's wedding (they have been living together a while so asked got money rather than gifts)? I think close to £80, but my partner thinks £40 is more appropriate.

For context, this is an old uni friend. We have been friends a while, but are not absolute besties or anything. We are not in the wedding party or bridesmaids or groomsmen or anything. The do seems quite upmarket, in a nice venue and we are having a sit down dinner.

We are low on money atm as DP in and out of work, and I'm just finishing my 2nd lot of maternity leave in two years. However, it's not like we can't afford petrol or groceries or anything. Have spent money on a new dress, bag and shoes (sadly none of my pre-baby clothes are anywhere near fitting me anymore). Venue isn't on doorstep, so there's petrol we've spent and also a room to stay in.

This all sounds very miserly and penny pinching, but it's more that I don't want to get it "wrong" either way. It would also be embarrassing to give too much, and have it seem weird iyswim?

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 27/10/2023 19:49

I'd say £100 (£50 each

BoothsChristmasBook · 27/10/2023 19:52

£50

Whalewatchers · 27/10/2023 19:55

tunapokebowl · 27/10/2023 19:19

Gosh I feel really tight reading these responses. We are not hard up and usually do £50 if we're day guests, a bottle of champagne worth approx £30 if evening only.

We got married 7 years ago and apart from some older, long time family friends I feel £50 was the standard amount we got from couples.

£50 7 years ago is £67 today according to an online inflation calculator. Will you still be giving £50 in 20 years?

Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 19:56

Sorry it didn't quote!

OP posts:
Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 19:57

Thanks all for your wisdom, I'm reading with interest.

To clarify, it's me and my partner going.

OP posts:
Snowdropanddiddums · 27/10/2023 19:58

I think £50 is fine for a couple. It’s not pay per guest is it! Cheeky to think the bride and groom should expect to recover the cost of the meal imo. Guests have already paid to travel to the event, very often paid for the hen/stag do. And yes you’re getting the day/weekend away whatever but paying out for a hen do is not really your choice is it. Same for the wedding meal, I think offer your plate is bullshit when I’ve had no say in what I’m eating!

Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 19:59

And yes, I'm sure my friend will just be pleased to see us. He's not the grabby sort, but still I don't want to put the wrong amount in.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 27/10/2023 19:59

If people choose to have a big, extravagant wedding that's up to them & they shouldn't be 'expecting' financial gifts at all .. why go to all that expense and trouble if you genuinely can't afford it or expect to 'off set' the costs via gifts? The expectation around presents is really quite shocking.
We had a very modest wedding and made it absolutely clear that no gifts were expected ... and none received ... perfect result. We were happy to treat our guests and didn't want or need anything in return.

Cress42 · 27/10/2023 20:01

@QS90 £40 for 2 guests! Does he squeak when he walks?

fyn · 27/10/2023 20:01

We put £50 in for uni friends. Do what you can afford, if there were friends they wouldn’t want you to stretch yourself at their expense. If they think any different they aren’t your friends.

Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 20:01

Wolvesart · 27/10/2023 19:26

I think it’s wrong to ask for cash simply because the sum of money that many people are suggesting here is way more than you’d spend if you were buying a present for them.

I have had this thought too. All the weddings I've gone to as an adult have been cash rather than gifts affairs, as people usually live together a bit first. Or at least in a houseshare or something where they have their own pans etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 20:02

Sparklesocks · 27/10/2023 18:57

Sorry OP but I don’t think you’ll get a consensus as these threads are always ‘how long is a piece of strong’ territory - some posters will say £40 is plenty but others will insist any less than £100 is equivalent to farting in the happy couple’s face

I think you are right! 😂

OP posts:
jm9138 · 27/10/2023 20:04

In the past I guess when people got married they were also starting a new home and so money or a wedding list would feel appropriate. If this is still the case then I can see the merit in wedding gifts. If it isn’t and the people getting married have been living together for years then what is the gift for exactly? Surely the couple just want a lovely day with family and friends to celebrate their love for and commitment to each other.

I got married two years ago now and explicitly said we don’t want any gifts and actually left little hampers for everyone because I wanted them all to leave with something to remind them of a lovely day. Nothing expensive mind.

However, my best friends daughter got married in a small ceremony at the weekend (I wasn’t invited and do not know her especially well) but I gave them a card with £100 in because it made me feel good about myself and I know to them £100 is a lot of money. They didn’t ask for anything though.

Not sure the point of my post other than to say I find the whole wedding present thing a bit weird now and a gift should be something that is given from the heart. The moment something is expected then it isn’t a gift anymore. It is sad that the OP is having to worry about this rather than just be excited for the day.

CloudPop · 27/10/2023 20:04

Hadalifeonce · 27/10/2023 19:13

Gift whatever you can afford to, or want to. There is no set answer as wedding invitations don't come with a price tag.

This! It's a wedding not a fundraiser

KezzabellaB · 27/10/2023 20:05

I think 50 is fine tbh

CateringPanic · 27/10/2023 20:07

We did £50 recently for a friend. I did toy with more but tbh between two nights in the hotel and the abroad hen do I had already spent around £1000 so I thought it was reasonable. I wouldn’t give less than £50. I would spend more for a family member.

CantFindTheBeat · 27/10/2023 20:08

OP,

Just because they've asked for cash, doesn't mean you have to give it.

Fortnum's do a lovely bottle of champagne with a personalised label for under £50.

Order one of those with a Mr & Mrs xxxxx, date etc for the label.

Thoughtful AND in your budget 🥳🥳

Girasoli · 27/10/2023 20:09

I think £40 or £50 is fine.
When we got married most of our friends gave us £20 gift cards and we were very grateful (we were mid 20s when we got married though which might make a difference)

rubydoobydoo · 27/10/2023 20:13

When we got married (6 years ago) our cash gifts ranged between £10 - £50 - some guests got us gifts instead and some got us nothing. This was all OK with us - we were just happy everyone was there to celebrate with us!

Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 20:13

Girasoli · 27/10/2023 20:09

I think £40 or £50 is fine.
When we got married most of our friends gave us £20 gift cards and we were very grateful (we were mid 20s when we got married though which might make a difference)

When abouts was this could I ask?

OP posts:
Birch101 · 27/10/2023 20:14

Out of those 2 I would say 80 is nearer the mark

Southwest12 · 27/10/2023 20:14

I'm going to a wedding on Tuesday and they've asked for cash, I'll.be putting £50 in the card. That's enough, it'll cost me more to get home as it's not that close to home.

Original poster
QS90 · 27/10/2023 20:15

CantFindTheBeat · 27/10/2023 20:08

OP,

Just because they've asked for cash, doesn't mean you have to give it.

Fortnum's do a lovely bottle of champagne with a personalised label for under £50.

Order one of those with a Mr & Mrs xxxxx, date etc for the label.

Thoughtful AND in your budget 🥳🥳

This may be a bit last minute... Wedding in two days 😬Great point / idea for the next one though, thanks.

OP posts:
Girasoli · 27/10/2023 20:20

9 years ago.. but the last couple of weddings we've been invited to (both after Covid) have had registries and the gift options were mainly under £50.

HereComesTheSunBriefly · 27/10/2023 20:23

We'd pay £50 as a couple, max.

Somebody who has a wedding has things as THEY want it (rightly so, it's their day, they should absolutely decide all the details!)

But, if we had £100 to spare there are other things we'd rather spend £100 on - e.g. probably different food, a different location, a different collection of people.

I don't think you need to 'pay for your place' at a wedding. You had no say in any of the choices. Particularly when you've already paid for travel and hotel and taken time off work potentially. Just do a nice card and 50 as a couple.