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Original poster

£80 in Card for Friend's Wedding?

161 replies

QS90 · 27/10/2023 18:50

What do you think is the correct amount of cash to put in card for a friend's wedding (they have been living together a while so asked got money rather than gifts)? I think close to £80, but my partner thinks £40 is more appropriate.

For context, this is an old uni friend. We have been friends a while, but are not absolute besties or anything. We are not in the wedding party or bridesmaids or groomsmen or anything. The do seems quite upmarket, in a nice venue and we are having a sit down dinner.

We are low on money atm as DP in and out of work, and I'm just finishing my 2nd lot of maternity leave in two years. However, it's not like we can't afford petrol or groceries or anything. Have spent money on a new dress, bag and shoes (sadly none of my pre-baby clothes are anywhere near fitting me anymore). Venue isn't on doorstep, so there's petrol we've spent and also a room to stay in.

This all sounds very miserly and penny pinching, but it's more that I don't want to get it "wrong" either way. It would also be embarrassing to give too much, and have it seem weird iyswim?

OP posts:
Hibernatalie · 27/10/2023 20:53

£50 is fine

I got married 10 years ago and no one gave us anywhere near £100!!

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 20:53

spidermonkeys · 27/10/2023 18:59

I think £100 is pretty standard for day guests ime.

If you are invited on your own £80 would be ok but if part of a couple anything less than £100 - £120 wouldn't even cover the cost of your meal if you're invited to a day reception.

avemariiiaa · 27/10/2023 20:53

BeeHappy12 · 27/10/2023 20:31

You can't give £40, that's £20 each... I would say £100 is appropriate

Says who?

Kirstyshine · 27/10/2023 20:54

I don’t think there’a an obligation to give a certain amount. I and my husband certainly didn’t feel offended at any gifts we got, and all our choices - venue, food, booze - were our responsibility and I’d have been sad to think any of our guests felt pressure to cover their plate or whatever. (English/historically Irish lower middle class background - the culture is different in Ireland, I know.)

CleverLilViper · 27/10/2023 20:55

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2023 19:32

If only one yes but she's hit a plus 1 so at least 50% increase on this

Show quote history

Why?

Goldfishonabike · 27/10/2023 20:55

Although, just to add to that, we and our wedding in another country so guest had paid a lot to travel there and for accommodation, many didn’t give us anything, not a penny, and some just a small amount like £25 or a cheapish gift like a household item. Tbh, I didn’t mind a lot, understood how much they’d paid to attend the wedding. We did give them a good time too though, a full days event and a day trip to the mountains the following Day (minibus and tourist guide paid by us, food on the way at own expense). I think the most important thing is giving just something, as long as you give them a lovely card and write a nice personal message, the amount is less important. It’s all about demonstrating your care for the friend. My precious comment was more based on a recent event where someone got very angry at me for not paying the bill for all the guests at a restaurant dinner for my birthday, the experience scarred me so much that since then I’m just giving everyone OTT gifts and rounds and paying for meals as I’m mortified to be thought of as stingy, I’m re not, it was just a cultural norm in the country where I am now that you have to pay for guests at a birthday dinner and obvs it’s isn’t in the UK. So, all that to say it’s v based on culture and class and there’s no exact answer. There are friends I stopped being friends with because they were expecting us to spend so much on each other and I just couldn’t afford it. Can you ask some other guests what they’re giving?

Georgieporgie29 · 27/10/2023 20:55

Also I don’t get this covering the meal thing. When I got married we chose our favourite meals because we liked them but why as a guest should I pay for a meal that I haven’t even chosen? I might not like it, then do I get to put a lower amount in?

avemariiiaa · 27/10/2023 20:55

@caringcarer but there is no expectation to pay for your meal.
You are a guest, invited to an event, there is literally no expectation that wedding guests pay for the cost of their meal.

fluffypotatoes · 27/10/2023 20:56

I'd try and go to £60. £50 looks like you thought about it too hard. £60 looks like you just popped 3 £20s in a card.

cunningartificer · 27/10/2023 20:57

Irish and here you certainly wouldn't be asked for money. It's the bride and groom (or their parents if you're traditional) who are paying to have their friends there for a party to celebrate. Expecting to have the cost covered is not at all traditional and feels tacky to me. If cost is an issue have fewer guests or a simple wedding. It's just a party after all. If you're not helping them set up home then either a thoughtful gift (because you know their taste) or a small monetary gift, enough for a good bottle of wine or champagne or a little treat, is fine. £50 is plenty for not close friends if you're short of cash. They'll cherish more the nice message in the card, and if they're the sort of people who are wondering why you didn't give more I'd be wondering why I was friends with them!

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 20:58

Differentstarts · 27/10/2023 19:40

Ignore everyone saying to give at least £100 that's ridiculous. Where in a cost of living crisis and that's a weeks worth of shopping. It's a wedding gift a gesture, your not paying for the wedding. I would give £50 and I think that's generous.

2 guests are attending. You think £50 between them is generous? What would your mean be?

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 27/10/2023 20:59

I'd do £50. I've never given more than that and when we got married our guests whi gave us money gave us between £20 & £50 which feels right.

Snowdropanddiddums · 27/10/2023 21:00

You’re not paying to attend their wedding so it absolutely does not need to cover the cost of the meal.

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 21:02

CleverLilViper · 27/10/2023 20:55

Why?

Show quote history

Because 2 people will be fed.

jumperoozles · 27/10/2023 21:02

We have quite a few weddings coming up and definitely could not afford £100 for each one!
We do around £40-£50 for friends/uni friends
Maybe push up to £60-80 for very close friends where you might be a bridesmaid/groomsman perhaps
£100 we have only given if it’s your brother or sister getting married

For our wedding I think the only £100 we got were from maybe older richer family members. Friends etc all gave around £50

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 27/10/2023 21:03

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 21:02

Because 2 people will be fed.

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And?

Itsamumone · 27/10/2023 21:04

if I was going on my own I’d say £50 but full day as a couple id probably go £100 now, would have probably done £50 a few years ago but just feels like the norm has changed

Screamingabdabz · 27/10/2023 21:07

No one should have to ‘cover their plate’ - that’s a disgusting grabby attitude creeping in nowadays by couples who organise weddings they can’t afford to host. You invite guests to a wedding because you want their company at your nuptials, not their cash.

I’d stick to £50 op. That’s still generous and they should be grateful. Many couples these days don’t even acknowledge gifts so don’t worry about it.

fluffypotatoes · 27/10/2023 21:08

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 21:02

Because 2 people will be fed.

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They didn't ask to be fed. They were invited ro be fed.

CleverLilViper · 27/10/2023 21:08

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 21:02

Because 2 people will be fed.

Show quote history

And?

I didn't realise bride and grooms were so grabby nowadays that they expect the guests they've invited to the wedding that was entirely of their own choosing to cover the costs of said wedding.

A wedding gift is a gift to celebrate the occasion, not to bloody fundraise to help goddamn pay for it.

If that's the case and expectation, then couples who want and expect money to cover this cost-should open up the choices for the wedding to their guests. Since, after all, they're paying for it.

Autumnvibes23 · 27/10/2023 21:14

Toottooot · 27/10/2023 18:52

At least £100 if you are full day guests.

But what if you can't afford this? Do you just not go?

I would have been horrified if any of the guests at my wedding thought they had to give/spend £100 or not come. I didn't expect any of my friends to give/spend anything near that. I was just happy they came to celebrate with us.

CleverLilViper · 27/10/2023 21:20

I agree with the poster who said that the difficulty with cash gifts is that they mean that people typically spend/give more money than they would have spent on a gift.

If you're low on money, don't put yourself into financial trouble by giving more than you can afford. Typically money gets taken out of a card, put into a pile/savings account and the amounts given by each guest is forgotten.

Give what you can afford. A gift isn't there to cover the cost of you attending the wedding. Decent people are just happy to share their special day with people and really don't care about how much/little someone has gifted them with.

Anyone who is upset that the cash gift doesn't meet their expectations is probably not someone you'd want to be friends with anyway and it doesn't sound like your friend is like that.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/10/2023 21:21

£40 is beyond tight. At least £100 if you are a day guest.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 27/10/2023 21:25

ConsuelaHammock · 27/10/2023 21:21

£40 is beyond tight. At least £100 if you are a day guest.

Why?

HereComesTheSunBriefly · 27/10/2023 21:28

ConsuelaHammock · 27/10/2023 21:21

£40 is beyond tight. At least £100 if you are a day guest.

Beyond tight when you earn.... how much? With how many people to support? I don't see how you can make a blanket statement like that when household incomes can vary so wildly... Some couples will be earning £25,000 between them and some will be on £100,000 between them. It's madness that in theory they both have the same pressure to put the same amount of money in...